Does he want his ex back? I’m flying out to be with him for VDAY in a few hours.

[Beckydee90]

I (27/f) met a guy (30) a few months ago through my cousin. My cousin went to school with him and they became best friends, like brother and sister actually. Anyways, I moved back to my hometown about 2 months ago and started hanging out my cousin again. We all hung out as a group and I developed an interest in this guy. We eventually exchanged numbers. My cousin found out and warned me that he had just gotten out of a serious relationship. I asked for more details (how long ago, length of the relationship, etc.)

So the backstory - he was with her for almost 2 years, she was his first very serious adult relationship, he wanted to marry her. They broke up in October but officially stopped talking in December - they had planned for him to spend Xmas with her family.  Apparently, he was kind of being *** towards the end of the relationship and so she said that either they go to couples counseling or he could walk. He told her he wasn’t going to go. So she just told him  “okay” then left. They haven’t talked since (December). 

As I mentioned he and my cousin are like brother and sister so they hang out quite a bit and he confides in her. My cousin told me that he watches her stories every single time she posts. He liked a post 2 weeks ago that said, “the person you’re stressing over, well they’re f*cking someone else, let it go.” Or just a few days ago, “don’t lose your mind over someone who doesn’t mind losing you.” My cousin also told me that it was the ex’s mom’s birthday on the 31st, well he texted the mom happy birthday. My cousin noted that he and the mom weren’t extremely close. Got along, but not close. 

He was out a few days ago and got some free merchandise (beenie hats) from a law firm that happened to be the ex’s name. He posted a story saying “oh I got free merchandise from *insert law firm/ex’s name”. My cousin thought he did this on purpose to get her attention, I however just thought it was coincidence and he wanted to show off the free merchandise. Two nights ago he posted a meme that said, “Are you gorilla glue because I can’t can’t get my mind off of you” then with the letters/caption [b]MED[/b] under the post. My cousin said the ex’s full name is (changed for post), Mary Elizabeth Donaldson - the ex’s initials are [b]MED.[/b] Is that just coincidence?

So after my cousin told me all of this I confided in my best friend. My best friend said she believes he still wants to be with his ex. I disagree, if he still wanted to be with her he wouldn’t forming other relationships with women, aka me. I do, however, still think he’s just grieving the relationship. You can still care about someone and not still want to be with him (why he told her no to counseling) and I’m flying out (he relocated for work last month) to spend the Valentine’s Day weekend with him. If I’m with him this weekend it clearly means he doesn’t want her back, IMO.

So does he still want to be with his ex?

[Lambert]

Ok this might be a shock to hear but I think you're being naive about this.

And your best friend is right. 

People (some anyway) don't want to be alone. when you break up you feel horrible and you need attention.

It's a huge red flag... like HUGE he is posting memes with her initials.

He clearly is not over her. 

Have you had any serious relationships end? 

He is just being stubborn about the counseling. He is probably cool with hanging with you,  but you're putting more into this,  than he his.  She is still the main woman in his mind. 

If you go this weekend.  It might be great but your presence may make him miss her more.  That is just human nature to prefer what we're used to even if it's not better. And when you get back, he'll end it with you.   Saying he just isn't ready.

[Andrina]

There are a lot of high risks to this relationship. Apparently you've never heard of rebound relationships? Otherwise, you wouldn't be questioning why he's decided to date you if he still had feelings for the ex.

The other high risk is that now this would be a LDR for you. Always a great risk of failure there if you already haven't started the LDR as a longterm couple, such as those who've dated a long time and have to temporarily be separated because of education or a career.

No, I definitely wouldn't be spending my hard earned money on him at this point. I'd have a wait and see attitude to see if he puts in major effort, instead of me driving the train. How will you gauge how much interest he really has in you if you don't sit back and let him show you he's serious about you as a longterm relationship? If you're the one willing to pay and fly out to be intimate with him, why would he reject that even if longterm isn't his goal? If you're only rebound material, he's being handed something on a silver platter and will accept it until hard reality comes into play. When you're expecting more from him and he doesn't want to deliver.

Has he asked you to be exclusive? Dating long distance, you can't date at a normal pace. Either too much time apart or too much time together during visits. An expensive and high risk relationship. Do you really want to attempt this after only knowing him a mere 60 days? Certainly there must be attractive men your age in your local area who lack enormous barriers to leap over.

[Wiseman2]

Have fun but be prepared that it could just be a hookup because he's on the rebound. 

Also he is long distance so sex with you is a safe bet, since there's no chance of this going anywhere.

Enjoy yourself and your cousin's fix up. 

After your adventures, you can get on some quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting local men who are single and available.

No one knows if he wants his ex back. However you do know it's long distance and pity-sex your cousin arranged for him.

[boltnrun]

You're doing a lot of mental gymnastics to "explain away" all of the things that clearly show at the very least, his ex is very much on his mind.

Sure, he'll spend time with you.  It's soothing to have someone who's obviously into you around when you're hurting.  But that isn't love and it isn't a "relationship".  It's an understandably human desire to try to feel better when you're not feeling so great.

If you choose to proceed be aware this will likely end soon, one way or another.  And don't be surprised when it does.

[SooSad33]

9 hours ago, Beckydee90 said:

still think he’s just grieving the relationship. You can still care about someone and not still want to be with him (why he told her no to counseling) and I’m flying out (he relocated for work last month) to spend the Valentine’s Day weekend with him. If I’m with him this weekend it clearly means he doesn’t want her back, IMO

Yes, he is grieving, and NOT over her.  

You being around him this weekend means nothing - sorry. What is clear is..

He is still emotionally invested in her.  Their BU is so recent.  He has no space for you.

It is selfish behaviour, but happens often.  So, don't get too deep into anything with him!  - No expectations.

 

 

[Beckydee90]

1 hour ago, SooSad33 said:

Yes, he is grieving, and NOT over her.  

You being around him this weekend means nothing - sorry. What is clear is..

He is still emotionally invested in her.  Their BU is so recent.  He has no space for you.

It is selfish behaviour, but happens often.  So, don't get too deep into anything with him!  - No expectations.

 

 

So I do know that he checked the ex’s Instagram while I was with him today. I’m not sure when though. My cousin belongs in a group chat with her and old college buddies. The ex put in the group chat... “oh there goes ___ checking my story again lol* 

Why doesn’t my presence during a romantic holiday 3 day weekend mean anything? He’s not spending it with her.

Lastly, if he’s grieving that means he doesn’t want her back.

[SooSad33]

By sounds of it either are over this... look at the games they're playing..  You don't belong in the middle of this 😞 .. If you are interested in him... you will get hurt.

No, he is not spending it with her because they are having issue's.. yes, they split, but they have only recently split. yes?

Then obviously his mind is still on her - and if they were together a while, he's still emotionally invested.

To be meeting up with you is his way of to get his mind off her.  To be 'busy' in a good/fun way.. not wallow in his self pitty.

Yes, it's 'using' someone else to try & get over his pains -  but it never works... So, take that to mind.

Your choice if you want to get used, then have him pull away (go distant in a short time = rebound)

[Beckydee90]

2 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

By sounds of it either are over this... look at the games they're playing..  You don't belong in the middle of this 😞 .. If you are interested in him... you will get hurt.

No, he is not spending it with her because they are having issue's.. yes, they split, but they have only recently split. yes?

Then obviously his mind is still on her - and if they were together a while, he's still emotionally invested.

To be meeting up with you is his way of to get his mind off her.  To be 'busy' in a good/fun way.. not wallow in his self pitty.

Yes, it's 'using' someone else to try & get over his pains -  but it never works... So, take that to mind.

Your choice if you want to get used, then have him pull away (go distant in a short time = rebound)

Well he hasn’t pulled away yet so that’s a good sign? We met in October (after they broke up) but things didn’t really pick up until December (when they stopped talking). I’ve been around since October really so isn’t that a good sign? 

[SooSad33]

You see how soon you 'showed up', after they broke up?  He had no time to work through any of this.  To let the fire settle... recover.

Then you walk in..

Okay, so things picked up with him just over a month ago?

But, see - he is still viewing her posts.  Many signs they (he) is not done & over her.

Rebounds do not usually last long.. they can portray such deep acts of emotions ( which is spilling onto you- mistakingly not his ex)... And they use someone to 'try' and get over their ex, then realise that isn't working., and they realize they can't do it, they're still stuck in their last relationship).. And cannot 'give'.

So, while YOU are all in it.. ready.. He is not.  You two are not at the same level.

[boltnrun]

7 minutes ago, Beckydee90 said:

Well he hasn’t pulled away yet so that’s a good sign? We met in October (after they broke up) but things didn’t really pick up until December (when they stopped talking). I’ve been around since October really so isn’t that a good sign? 

If you think this is going somewhere you don't need anyone to tell you how it looks from the outside. 

Are you looking for someone to tell you "Yes, it 'means something' that you've been around since October!"

The fact that he checked her social media while you're there says it all.

I would advise you to not sleep with him as you would risk getting even more attached. I hope that ship hasn't already sailed, though.

[Capricorn3]

To me this has rebound written all over it. You've got red flags all over the place. OP, be prepared to get hurt.  Your choice.

[Beckydee90]

Well I see that he followed her other social media within the last 2 weeks. Her page is private so you can only follow the account if you’re not a friend — it says on his profile that he follows her. 

[Capricorn3]

4 minutes ago, Beckydee90 said:

Well I see that he followed her other social media within the last 2 weeks. Her page is private so you can only follow the account if you’re not a friend — it says on his profile that he follows her. 

Looks like he's not over her.  You're heading for heartache. 

[Tinydance]

So if you think everything is fine then why are you asking for advice here? Obviously you have suspicions? And I would say your suspicions are definitely right. He doesn't seem to be over his ex. Also how can he really be over someone he wanted to marry and was with for two years, when it's only been 2-3 months since break up? Just because he's seeing you doesn't mean it's not a rebound. It's very common to see someone as a rebound. Many people even think it might help them distract themselves from their ex. I mean if you just want something casual then sure you can keep seeing him. I'm not sure that it would become a real relationship though while he's still into his ex. You have many signs that he is. He's with you for Valentine's but he's checking her social media. That being the biggest sign really. He's got you right there but he can't stop thinking about her.

[Lambert]

People looking to build a relationship together should be able to discuss it. You talk about what you're looking for,  what you expect,  what things need to happen to get to that point, you express things like feelings.  One's openness and vulnerability says a lot about their emotional health. 

A person hung up on someone is probably not able to discuss without feeling a certain way.  Or they get super defensive.

You've spent money and given up your time to be there with him for valentines. 

Is it for Valentines? Does he know it's a romantic valentine's day weekend? 

Have you discussed anything about what this is? 

Your cousin clueing you in on her group text, is pretty cringe worthy.  You are in the middle of a love triangle and potentially providing entertainment while your boyfriend and his girlfriend play little games at your expense. 

I'd actually be pretty pissed that he's acting one way with you,  while keeping the door open for her.  And she knows he still loves her. 

I would probably have to talk to him about all this and come to some understanding.  it's one thing to get together for a date when he comes to town, taking it super slow while he figures things out,  you keep dating others.  

Its rather something completely different to be investing in plane tickets for weekends and holidays together.  Those things, while fun can make a person think things are more serious than they are. 

I can see why you're confused. You're doing relationship things, but you know, even without admitting it to yourself, he's not all in. 

[Beckydee90]

3 hours ago, Tinydance said:

So if you think everything is fine then why are you asking for advice here? Obviously you have suspicions? And I would say your suspicions are definitely right. He doesn't seem to be over his ex. Also how can he really be over someone he wanted to marry and was with for two years, when it's only been 2-3 months since break up? Just because he's seeing you doesn't mean it's not a rebound. It's very common to see someone as a rebound. Many people even think it might help them distract themselves from their ex. I mean if you just want something casual then sure you can keep seeing him. I'm not sure that it would become a real relationship though while he's still into his ex. You have many signs that he is. He's with you for Valentine's but he's checking her social media. That being the biggest sign really. He's got you right there but he can't stop thinking about her.

I asked because of what my cousin said.

Honestly, I’m actually 22. I just turned 22 in September. I just said I was 27 because I thought I’d be too young to use this forum.... The guy in question is 30 though.

[Cherylyn]

He still hasn't recovered fully from his ex.  When you're with him, his mind will be on his ex.  You need to ask yourself if you mind his distracted mind.  He won't be fully invested in you and your relationship as long as he keeps reverting back to his ex with social media, gift purchases even though it was free and never truly severing ties with his ex.  He isn't finished healing from breaking up with his ex and his life with her during his 2 year duration with her.  You might just be temporary so keep this in the back of your mind.  He's not thinking of you 100% of the time.  His ex is on his mind and not exclusively you.  I'm sorry and it's unfortunate.

[Hollyj]

He clearly is still in love with his ex.  You are in serious denial.   

He is using you as a rebound, people do this often to take their minds off of their break up.  

You would be foolish to continue with this.

[Hollyj]

4 hours ago, Beckydee90 said:

Well he hasn’t pulled away yet so that’s a good sign? We met in October (after they broke up) but things didn’t really pick up until December (when they stopped talking). I’ve been around since October really so isn’t that a good sign? 

No.  It means you are a rebound.  Do you consider it a good sign that he is still obsessed with her?   Wake up!

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, Beckydee90 said:

Lastly, if he’s grieving that means he doesn’t want her back.

Where did you get this idea?

Your cousin is right - he still wants her. You are in denial and it is going to be a colossal waste of money and time to fly to him. You're a rebound and a convenient distraction, but his heart is with her. 

Go if you want, but understand that this is going to be a just a "for fun" thing. It won't last. 

[Jibralta]

21 hours ago, Beckydee90 said:

So after my cousin told me all of this I confided in my best friend. My best friend said she believes he still wants to be with his ex. I disagree, if he still wanted to be with her he wouldn’t forming other relationships with women, aka me. I do, however, still think he’s just grieving the relationship. You can still care about someone and not still want to be with him (why he told her no to counseling) and I’m flying out (he relocated for work last month) to spend the Valentine’s Day weekend with him. If I’m with him this weekend it clearly means he doesn’t want her back, IMO.

I think your cousin and best friend are correct, and I think you are dead wrong.

21 hours ago, Beckydee90 said:

So does he still want to be with his ex?

Yes, yes, and YES.

5 hours ago, Beckydee90 said:

Honestly, I’m actually 22. I just turned 22 in September.

Ok, this makes a lot more sense. At 27, I think you would see what's happening here from a mile away. But you're still pretty young.

So, take it from the older people: This guy is not over his ex. And furthermore, his ex doesn't seem to be over him. They are playing games with each other. And you're the monkey in the middle.

Have your fun this weekend, then be done with him.

[Wiseman2]

Make sure you enjoy the sex and food. He's off texting his GF and you're posting on social media.

That's ok. You did your cousin a favor and provided her friend with free no strings pity sex.

Have a good flight back. But get on some quality dating apps.

[Beckydee90]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Make sure you enjoy the sex and food. He's off texting his GF and you're posting on social media.

That's ok. You did your cousin a favor and provided her friend with free no strings pity sex.

Have a good flight back. But get on some quality dating apps.

You would spend 4 days straight during. Valentine’s Day weekend with someone just for sex?

[Beckydee90]

7 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

I think your cousin and best friend are correct, and I think you are dead wrong.

Yes, yes, and YES.

Ok, this makes a lot more sense. At 27, I think you would see what's happening here from a mile away. But you're still pretty young.

So, take it from the older people: This guy is not over his ex. And furthermore, his ex doesn't seem to be over him. They are playing games with each other. And you're the monkey in the middle.

Have your fun this weekend, then be done with him.

Why do you think his ex isn’t over him? I thought she walked away after he said no to therapy.