The girl I was involved with more than 1 year doesn't find me attractive

[heartBrokenSteve]

First of all, sorry for my English, I'm a non-native speaker.

So this will be a long read, and I really hope someone can shed some light on this.

 

About me: I'm a pretty shy guy around girl I'm attracted to, but once I'm comfortable, I'm a lot of fun. I'm also very emotional and really like to bond with people on a deeper level. No previous romantic relationships but limited sexual experience.

 

About her: She is a also a shy girl, pretty emotional too and no previous romantic relationships or sexual experience.

 

I met this girl online via Tinder 1 year ago when I was 20 and she was 18 years old. A few days after we matched, we added each other on IG, and we used to send each other only one message a day. We hit it off pretty well, but I had no further expectation than just having a good time with a new person I met online. Fast forward to April (shortly after the first lockdown) we added each other on Facebook and started to chat almost every day for hours. We always had a nice time, talked about our feeling, dreams, things we have in common (a lot) and we were flirty and complimented each other often. Sometimes around August I started to get feeling for her, and asked her if she would mind this. She said she would understand, but doesn't really gave me a positive answer (later it turned out that she also felt something but didn't dare to admit). But nonetheless we kept chatting and flirting. Fast forward to October, one evening she said she was confused the way we chat and flirt with each other because friends don't talk the way we talked, and she felt jealous when I talked about other girls. She admitted she had feelings for me too. We also laid some ground rules: no flirting with other people or in case it doesn't work out we would have no hard feeling.

 

So after this we started to send a lot of snapchats and she always said she found me attractive and handsome. I also send her a topless photo of me one evening when we were sexting, and she found my 6-pack, muscles and body very sexy. We also called eachother a few times in the meantime. Till this time we hadn't seen eachother in real life because we never had dated someone before and both of us had no previous relationships so I understood she was hesitant and a bit scared to meet. I never put pressure on her to meet. But 1 month ago, I asked her if she would finally like to meet in person. At first she was hesitant, but in the end she agreed to meet.

 

Normally we have a really very witty, flirty and spontaneous relationship. But when we met (we saw each other for like 30min), I was really nervous and I knew I kind of f*cked up, but the same evening she send me a message that she had a great time and really enjoyed my company. So her initial thought was positive and that made me quit happy because I knew I didn't do quit well from my perspective. The next 2 weeks we didn't talk that much because we had exams. But I got the feeling something was wrong.

 

So last week, after the exams I asked her if everything was okay. And she said, she liked me, but she doesn't really feels ready for a relationship and maybe it's better to just stay as friends. But this reason was nonsense because I knew it wasn't true. After a few days I asked her a lot of question why suddenly she changed her mind about everything . She finally admitted: she finds me cute and pretty handsome, but that I was not 100% her type and she didn't find me 100% attractive IRL. She also said that she realized that she needs face-to-face interaction more than she thought (I don't get this, I'm always ready to meet her if she would want), but she is the one who always says she can't meet because of her strict parents (she does meet a lot with her other friends).

 

I don't get this, I'm a pretty decent looking guy and she saw me so many times on my pictures and snaps and videos. One of her reasons was, that I'm skinnier IRL than on my photos (I'm not, I'm pretty fit and quit muscular) and this confuses me a lot, because she had seen my naked upper body. She also said I'm not that tall (but she knew how tall I was, and I'm taller than her). This all broke my heart, because I never thought she could be superficial.

 

I get it, maybe I'm not 100% her type (neither is she mine, but I like her for what she is), but in the past she always said that personality is more important than appearance and know she said something like this. I don't really care about the fact that she doesn't like my body or my height because I'm very happy and confidant with my body. But the fact that we had a deep and emotional connection and the facts that she could even say things like this, really hurt my feeling. I almost didn't sleep the first days after we "broke up".

 

I do think a lot about her and it's eating me alive. She still send me messages from time to time. She even asked my phone number 2 days ago.

What do you people think of this situation and her reaction? Is her reaction justified, and is this fair towards me? What should I do? Should I just ignore her (I still like her)? Or do I need to wait and maybe she realizes that she made a mistake? What is your advice?

[Rose Mosse]

Leave her alone and respect her wishes. Doing anything else will backfire both on her and you. She's not attracted to you and her reasoning is absolutely justified. 

For your mental health it's better not to keep talking with her or interacting or initiating any conversations or chats. Talk to other girls or spend more time with your friends. Hope you feel better soon. 

[Tinydance]

I understand you've never been in a relationship so maybe you don't really know how attraction and dating works. You think that just because you're fit and not a bad-looking guy, that this girl HAS to be attracted to you. She actually doesn't have to be attracted to you just because of that. Attraction is subjective, which means that it's personal to each individual who they find attractive. You and your male friend could look at a girl and one of you could find her attractive and the other one wouldn't. It's the same girl but you and your friend are different people so may not necessarily both be attracted to her.

Another thing that people mean when they say they're not attracted to you is that there is no chemistry or spark. You can only tell if there's chemistry in real life when you actually meet, not online. It's just that weird connection which people either feel or don't feel and we can't explain it. This girl probably did think you look nice in your photos but in real life she just wasn't feeling that romantic vibe. And yes maybe she is shallow and superficial so that's why she cares about your height and your body size. But I guess these are her preferences, she's not into skinny guys and she likes taller guys. Maybe it's not fair that she cares about looks but unfortunately she does care and that's just how it is. Some people do have a "type" and they are strict about only liking that type. For example, my old housemate only liked Asian and dark skinned women and would never/has never dated a caucasian woman. It sounds weird but some people just can't help who they're attracted to.

I also don't think that you should keep talking to this girl anymore because you like her and you might get hurt. Besides, if she really only rejected you because of your slight body and height "issue" (for her) then do you really want to be with a kinda shallow girl?

I think you should continue doing online dating and meeting more girls. Try to meet in real life if you can, even if it's just for a walk because of coronavirus. I'm sure there would be plenty more girls who would find you attractive.

[Andrina]

Finding a person to be attractive doesn't necessarily equal chemistry. With more dating experience, you will learn this. She is not superficial. Sure, a good personality can do positive things for a person's attractiveness and a bad personality can bring down a person's attractiveness, but it doesn't mean a person is superficial if they don't want to date someone who is nice and attractive to the general public. The heart wants what the heart wants.

I've rarely ever dated anyone who could be a model. But I do have to be excited about something about their features. I usually go ga-ga over blue or green eyes and dark hair. Don't know why, but brown eyes don't do anything for me. I can't choose who I'm attracted to just like I can't choose my sexuality. It just is. I'm not attracted to skinny guys because they remind me of my brothers' physiques. That doesn't make me shallow. My co-worker couldn't bring himself to go out with a woman who looked like a model but had a "weird bellybutton," yet was okay with a woman who was chubby with back fat. So what? We all have our preferences along with things we're okay overlooking.

You're eating your heart out because you invested way too much time and emotional energy into a fantasy, and waited to long to meet in person, which is where reality begins. Because 9 out of 10 times for me, when I did OLD, there was no second date after a first meet up. It's wiser to not go beyond 2 weeks of communication before a first meet, because most are catch and release situations. It'll take you forever to get a gf going your route.

You'll learn from your mistakes. I know I made many in the dating world. I advise not staying friends. Your future potential gf will go to the nearest exit if your "friends" with a woman you wanted more with. Take care.

[Capricorn3]

OP, this doesn't necessarily have to mean that it's all about looks, but more about lack of chemistry (for her).  Everyone is different and what attracts one person will not always attract another.   There will be someone out there for you.  Right now, this girl is not it.  Let her go.   Sorry you're hurting.  Don't be so hard on yourself. 

[SooSad33]

Yup, fantasy vs reality.

How you two saw each other online was one way... until you met.

As mentioned, she most likely did not feel that 'vibe'... so, you respect this & either accept and continue as friends.. or step away and move along.

And I agree.. sign onto an actual dating site to find women who are actually looking to get involved and will not spend so much time just 'chatting'.

 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened, but it happens all the time.

People meet things just don't click and the offer to "stay friends" happens.

That's ok. It's about her, not you. Simply decide if you want to be friends, but move forward dating others.

[MissCanuck]

This is why it's never a good idea to spend so long virtually flirting before meeting  in person. It makes it that much harder to let go when it doesn't work out, because you've become so used to having that texting buddy and online attention and had a false sense of intimacy. 

I realize you wanted to meet, but she kept putting it off. That was your cue to dial way back on communication. 

It sucks, but attraction isn't about being "fair", man. She can't help it if she doesn't quite feel the spark in person. It's not something that one can manufacture. You would be best to take her at her word, and distance yourself from her. Otherwise, you're going to wind up being her fallback-boy for attention and then get even more hurt when she starts meeting up with other guys. 

[maritalbliss86]

19 hours ago, heartBrokenSteve said:

She finally admitted: she finds me cute and pretty handsome, but that I was not 100% her type and she didn't find me 100% attractive IRL. She also said that she realized that she needs face-to-face interaction more than she thought (I don't get this, I'm always ready to meet her if she would want), but she is the one who always says she can't meet because of her strict parents (she does meet a lot with her other friends).

 

I don't get this, I'm a pretty decent looking guy and she saw me so many times on my pictures and snaps and videos. One of her reasons was, that I'm skinnier IRL than on my photos (I'm not, I'm pretty fit and quit muscular) and this confuses me a lot, because she had seen my naked upper body. She also said I'm not that tall (but she knew how tall I was, and I'm taller than her). This all broke my heart, because I never thought she could be superficial.

Ugh 😞 she just sounds like the attraction didn't transfer to real life for her.  I think that probably happens more often than not (I'm guessing?) because so many people meet online first these days.   Please don't think something is, "wrong," with you... I'm sure this happens to a lot of men and also women.

Physical attraction in real life is a lot different than in photos. 

I'm so so sorry you're going through this... very painful rejection, but please realize she's not the one for you.  Let her go and trust that you'll find someone who loves you and IS attracted to you.

[Jibralta]

13 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

OP, this doesn't necessarily have to mean that it's all about looks, but more about lack of chemistry (for her). 

I agree. She simply may not have felt the right vibe.

These things happen.

Also, she said she wasn't ready. I don't know why you dismissed this. She has the right to change her mind. And she doesn't have to answer to you or anyone else about her reasoning, thoughts, or opinions.

Instead of accepting the answer she gave, you pushed her for more. So, you got an earful of nit-picky answers to nit-picky questions. 

22 hours ago, heartBrokenSteve said:

But this reason was nonsense because I knew it wasn't true. After a few days I asked her a lot of question why suddenly she changed her mind about everything .