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I (M20) have extreme anxiety about my girlfriend (F19) joining her colleges "eating clubs." How do I feel less anxious?

gayonetta

By gayonetta
in Dating Advice

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gayonetta Rookie

gayonetta

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My girlfriend recently moved back to college that doesn't necessarily acknowledge sobrieties, rather they are called "eating clubs" (Which probably gives away what uni she attends).

They basically are sororities all with different "themes" for different people. She is applying to a few of them and I just cant help but feel nothing less than anxious when thinking about it. She described them basically all as parties. I'm just cant imagine people touching her inappropriately or her getting drunk or high and possibly giving into these people or engaging in a scenario that most would consider cheating.

I know we are in the middle of a pandemic and all these clubs will be online, I know it is inevitable that they will end up in person sooner or later. No matter how much she reassures me that she has her values set straight and that she loves me very much, my anxious thoughts always get the best of me and I can't talk to her comfortably without thinking about this. I have no idea how to alleviate these thoughts.

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gamon Experienced

gamon

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You can't control what other people do.

Accept the fact that she could cheat on you and if so you'll leave her and move on with your  life and meet someone else.

You're young, odds are she isn't going to be the last relationship you'll ever have.

Realize you'll be ok even if things don't work out with her, that requires having confidence in yourself.

 

Edited to add- looking to her for constant reassurance makes you look weak and clingy, it's the ultimate turnoff and if anything it will make it more likely that she would cheat on you.

 

 

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melancholy123 Grand Master

melancholy123

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I have not heard of eating clubs so what is it exactly?  Do they do a Zoom meeting and sit around and eat and drink?  If so, what's t he problem with that?

Your paranoia is going to ruin what you have with this girl if you dont lighten up and calm down.  The odds that she is The One for you are pretty slim given your age and level of fretting about her.

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gayonetta Rookie

gayonetta

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1 minute ago, melancholy123 said:

I have not heard of eating clubs so what is it exactly?  Do they do a Zoom meeting and sit around and eat and drink?  If so, what's t he problem with that?

Your paranoia is going to ruin what you have with this girl if you dont lighten up and calm down.  The odds that she is The One for you are pretty slim given your age and level of fretting about her.

They are basically sobriety groups. Just a different name for her university

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MissCanuck Grand Master

MissCanuck

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Just now, gayonetta said:

Oops, yeah, i mean the one where they drink.

Got it. Yes, that's a sorority group. Not sobriety. 

Anyway, I think you need to realize that no amount of fretting and stressing is going to make her not cheat on you. In fact, it could be the very thing that drives her away and leads to a break-up. It's a huge turn-off to feel constantly questioned by an insecure boyfriend, and frankly, it's disrespectful of you to imply that she's the type that would cheat, which is essentially what you're doing every time you panic about this. 

So think about that for a minute: if you believe she's so easily influenced by others that she would risk your entire relationship for a night of partying, why are you dating her? Dump her if you truly feel that way. 

If you don't think she's like that, then you have nothing to worry about. Operate under the assumption that she will draw a boundary if someone gets touchy with her. 

But you have to stop making it her problem. Your anxiety is your problem to manage, and if you don't, I guarantee it will destroy this relationship faster than any drunk random frat guy could. 

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Wiseman2 Grand Master

Wiseman2

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6 hours ago, gayonetta said:

 all these clubs will be online,.

I have no idea how to alleviate these thoughts.

How long have you been dating? Unfortunately you seem controlling, jealous and possessive. Not good.

What she's doing is a very healthy normal part of university life. In fact it indicates that she is making friends and connections with other students,which is a good thing.

The best thing you can do is get to a physician for an evaluation and referral to a therapist.

In the meantime, breakup. You need to free yourself from relationships until you sort yourself out.

Your envy and insecurities need to be reflected on, before you continue to project this into relationships coming off as controlling and undermining yourself.

 

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reinventmyself Grand Master

reinventmyself

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It's much like not wanting your kids to cross the street because they might get hit by a car.   You can't keep them on the driveway forever.

Anything can happen.  All you can do is manage your end and as previously mentioned, insecurity that is not warranted is extremely unattractive.

She may stay loyal to you, but the jealousy will likely drive her away.

I get it's easier said than done, but push those thoughts out of your head and keep busy.  Wish her well and be supportive.  If she does stray it won't be because she doesn't have a great boyfriend that trusts in her.

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smackie9 Grand Master

smackie9

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If she's going to be there for awhile, then cut her loose, and you both date other people, and then when she's finished uni see if you want to continue the relationship. IMO having a relationship while away in college is not ideal. Everyone should just sow their wild oats...you are only young once.

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Cherylyn Grand Master

Cherylyn

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Sounds like a COVID-19 super spreader! 

Exercise prudence, protect yourself and stay safe! 

I know several people in my community who never took this pandemic seriously and now they've since contracted COVID-19 and spread it to their family and friends.  Incredible.

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MissCanuck Grand Master

MissCanuck

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On 1/26/2021 at 3:24 AM, gayonetta said:

I know we are in the middle of a pandemic and all these clubs will be online

 

7 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Sounds like a COVID-19 super spreader! 

Exercise prudence, protect yourself and stay safe! 

I know several people in my community who never took this pandemic seriously and now they've since contracted COVID-19 and spread it to their family and friends.  Incredible.

Fortunately, these are online meet-ups. 

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throoawao Contributor

throoawao

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On 1/25/2021 at 9:24 PM, gayonetta said:

My girlfriend recently moved back to college that doesn't necessarily acknowledge sobrieties, rather they are called "eating clubs" (Which probably gives away what uni she attends).

They basically are sororities all with different "themes" for different people. She is applying to a few of them and I just cant help but feel nothing less than anxious when thinking about it. She described them basically all as parties. I'm just cant imagine people touching her inappropriately or her getting drunk or high and possibly giving into these people or engaging in a scenario that most would consider cheating.

I know we are in the middle of a pandemic and all these clubs will be online, I know it is inevitable that they will end up in person sooner or later. No matter how much she reassures me that she has her values set straight and that she loves me very much, my anxious thoughts always get the best of me and I can't talk to her comfortably without thinking about this. I have no idea how to alleviate these thoughts.

Oh boy, you sound like my boyfriend. we also met when i was 19 and he was 20. we are 22 and 23 now. 
he always feels insecure about me doing certain activities like you described, and his concerns are exactly like yours. 

What I learned from our fights, is that, you can't control other people, and you can't be scared of being cheated on, or protect yourself from that.

if someone cheats on you, that is their loss, and your gain that you dodged that bullet, because if they didn't cheat on you at their party, they will probably cheat on your somewhere later down the line -- basically a cheater will always be a cheater. unfortunately you can't protect yourself from that.

and you two need to determine what is 'cheating', what is ok and whats not, and if she lets men touch her inappropriately (with her consent), if that is cheating for you guys, same as if talking is cheating, etc. etc. 

Also talk to her about these parties, is that considered cheating to attend those without one another?

as of now, you should trust her until she gives you reason to not trust her. she deserves that!

 

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