How do I stop myself?

[lionheart153]

Hello, wondering about some general dating advice

I seem to have a hard time not getting attached to someone. And I feel like I am always in my own way. I know people say never to put it all in one basket and I try not to. But when I start talking to someone and I realize that we click, I start to get narrowminded. Like in no way am I and this girl dating, just talking as friends, but I start to get into a rollercoaster of emotions. I often will be anxious to see when she texts me or if she texts me at all. I hang on to every word she says like it means something. Like when she says I am handsome or amazing when it was made clear that she wants to be friends first. Wondering if her wording means that she is open to the idea if the connection is right. Or being bothered that I noticed she is probably or maybe talking to someone else to, to what extent I don't know. I feel like I am looking for signs and there have been signs that makes it feel like she may be interested but then again maybe its all in my head. 

My point is I have a problem and I'm not sure how to fix it. I get into my head and I overthink. Maybe this is my last attempt before I start looking for therapy. I know I have a fear of abandonment from past relationship trauma. I just don't like myself this way. I know that if I am more aloof or cared less it usually works better in my favor, I have proof as even as I type this one of the girls I am talking to I have really no interest in but she constantly msgs me and wants to hang out until I told her I just want to be friends. But even then she still wants to hang out.

I'm in a weird moment in my life as I am in my early 30's I just got out of a relationship with someone that ended because our timing just wasn't right. I think I am ready to move on, as I feel better about everything and I have been working on myself again. But Covid has made it tough. And I just can't stay out of my own way? 

Does anyone here have tips or advice that may help?

I appreciate your time.

[greendots]

30 minutes ago, lionheart153 said:

Like when she says I am handsome or amazing when it was made clear that she wants to be friends first.

She didn't say only friends, according to what you've told us it's friends first and then she'll see. So, you do have a shot. 🙂 She wants to get to know you first. Also, I think calling you handsome is flirty. I genuinely think this girl is open to the idea if the connection is right. How are you guys connecting at the moment? Like hanging out, phone calls, etc? (I'm aware COVID makes things difficult.)

I kind of understand you as I over-think a lot too.

[lostandhurt]

I just read through some of your most recent threads and some older ones.

It would seem you have been broken up for less than 3 months, your ex is on the same dating app as you and now you feel the urge to lock down a new gf as soon as possible.  How am I doing so far?

I don't think you are ready to date since just days ago you admitted you still love your ex.  How about you slow way down on trying to find a new gf and work on yourself.  You received a lot a of great advice over the years so why don't you start by re-reading some of your old threads.  You can see where you were then and were you are now.  See what has improved and what you still need to work on.

  It would be my guess you are in a rush because you fear something.  What do you think that might be?

  Lost   

[bluecastle]

Sorry about this.

I'd try to cut yourself some slack here, perhaps seeing these feelings less as "you thing" to judge and solve, but just a moment in time, likely the residue of a recent breakup, still getting back on your feet emotionally, adjusting to the weird feeling of not having the validation/affirmation of another person. In that heightened state we all tend to be a bit more sensitive and analytical than usual. 

All in all? I'd see this as a cue to lean into some places in life that consume your interests and build confidence that have nothing to do with romance, with women. May feel a bit forced, at first, but then becomes more organic. That way rather than having to be "more aloof" or "care less," you can just be a more fuller you.

[boltnrun]

What things do you enjoy besides having someone you can label "girlfriend"?

[Lambert]

my dad always used to tell me, when you find yourself more focused on others, than yourself, that means you don't have enough going on for yourself. 

I always appreciated that comment because it's not saying you have to be or do anything in relation to keeping up with the Jones or whatever. But what you can do, is think about what you can do, for yourself, and something that you value. 

Like Blue Castle said... maybe that means giving yourself some slack and saying to yourself, I'm going to go clean out that junk drawer because I'm stuck in my head. Then in that junk drawer you find an old thing connected to a hobby or old interest you've been neglecting.

My point is get busy doing nothing or something and while you're doing that, think self supporting thoughts. Therapy isn't a bad idea either but sometimes you just gotta be a better friend to yourself.  Choose you! Not having a significant other is not the worst thing at any age... don't put societal bs on yourself.  Beating yourself up about things you can't help,  doesn't help. 

[reinventmyself]

19 minutes ago, Lambert said:

my dad always used to tell me, when you find yourself more focused on others, than yourself, that means you don't have enough going on for yourself. 

 

great advise.

Maybe a tad cruder "if you are hungry, you'll eat just about anything"

the lesson here is there is something missing and though while nice, it isn't necessarily a relationship that's missing.  This is your calling to fill yourself up in other ways.   

Post divorce I was somewhat like this and I recognized my choices in partners was terrible.   I took some time away from dating and cultivated my friendships, spent focused time with family and developed new hobbies.   

When I decided I was ready to date again, my experience was totally different.  I found my life was so full I didn't know where I would fit a relationship in.  Because of that I was very selective and  I took my time.  I said " no thankyou"  alot.  If I met someone that caught my interest but it wasn't reciprocated, the event was merely a blip on a radar screen and I moved on without pause.  . . Because, I wasn't hungry.

My life was full and rich and my choice of a partner was just a benefit of that, not a necessity.

 

[lionheart153]

1 hour ago, lostandhurt said:

I just read through some of your most recent threads and some older ones.

It would seem you have been broken up for less than 3 months, your ex is on the same dating app as you and now you feel the urge to lock down a new gf as soon as possible.  How am I doing so far?

I don't think you are ready to date since just days ago you admitted you still love your ex.  How about you slow way down on trying to find a new gf and work on yourself.  You received a lot a of great advice over the years so why don't you start by re-reading some of your old threads.  You can see where you were then and were you are now.  See what has improved and what you still need to work on.

  It would be my guess you are in a rush because you fear something.  What do you think that might be?

  Lost   

Days ago I admitted I still love my ex? Not sure where you got that. I love her as a person and want the best for her. My last post regarding anything to do with my ex was near christmas, it was def because it was tough during Christmas being completely alone as I was unable to see friends or family due to covid. 

I am asking exactly that, how do I stop myself from having this fear. I already posted that I have a fear of abandonment. I've accepted that my last relationship ended and it was a very mature end as we both walked away know that it wasn't working. Aside from the bouts of depression I have to struggle with I feel I am in a better place. I am not asking how do I date this new girl right now, infact its the opposite. I want to calm down and take it slow. As for working on myself I am, I am back to a workout and diet that I can follower that has help me lose 20 lbs. I have increase my focused at work and now I am up for a promotion. So in regards to that comment I can see my path of improvement. 

My problem is my insecurities and my thought process. Hence why I am considering help. 

1 hour ago, greendots said:

She didn't say only friends, according to what you've told us it's friends first and then she'll see. So, you do have a shot. 🙂 She wants to get to know you first. Also, I think calling you handsome is flirty. I genuinely think this girl is open to the idea if the connection is right. How are you guys connecting at the moment? Like hanging out, phone calls, etc? (I'm aware COVID makes things difficult.)

I kind of understand you as I over-think a lot too.

From my perspective it feels like our connection goes up an down. Our phone talks have been great though. I think I just need to detach a bit. We haven't hung out yet due to covid though she is down when restrictions loosen up. 

1 hour ago, bluecastle said:

Sorry about this.

I'd try to cut yourself some slack here, perhaps seeing these feelings less as "you thing" to judge and solve, but just a moment in time, likely the residue of a recent breakup, still getting back on your feet emotionally, adjusting to the weird feeling of not having the validation/affirmation of another person. In that heightened state we all tend to be a bit more sensitive and analytical than usual. 

All in all? I'd see this as a cue to lean into some places in life that consume your interests and build confidence that have nothing to do with romance, with women. May feel a bit forced, at first, but then becomes more organic. That way rather than having to be "more aloof" or "care less," you can just be a more fuller you.

Thanks, that is what I am trying to do. maybe its best I dont talk to her as much

[lionheart153]

45 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

What things do you enjoy besides having someone you can label "girlfriend"?

I enjoy investing, crypto, i love my work, I love riding my motorcycle though I can't since it is winter right now here. I play Warzone with my coworkers and friends and I try to do home exercises, covid has seemly really restricted alot of these espeically my social interactions with friends too. 

1 minute ago, reinventmyself said:

great advise.

Maybe a tad cruder "if you are hungry, you'll eat just about anything"

the lesson here is there is something missing and though while nice, it isn't necessarily a relationship that's missing.  This is your calling to fill yourself up in other ways.   

Post divorce I was somewhat like this and I recognized my choices in partners was terrible.   I took some time away from dating and cultivated my friendships, spent focused time with family and developed new hobbies.   

When I decided I was ready to date again, my experience was totally different.  I found my life was so full I didn't know where I would fit a relationship in.  Because of that I was very selective and  I took my time.  I said " no thankyou"  alot.  If I met someone that caught my interest but it wasn't reciprocated, the event was merely a blip on a radar screen and I moved on without pause.  . . Because, I wasn't hungry.

My life was full and rich and my choice of a partner was just a benefit of that, not a necessity.

 

interesting way of putting it but I get it

30 minutes ago, Lambert said:

my dad always used to tell me, when you find yourself more focused on others, than yourself, that means you don't have enough going on for yourself. 

I always appreciated that comment because it's not saying you have to be or do anything in relation to keeping up with the Jones or whatever. But what you can do, is think about what you can do, for yourself, and something that you value. 

Like Blue Castle said... maybe that means giving yourself some slack and saying to yourself, I'm going to go clean out that junk drawer because I'm stuck in my head. Then in that junk drawer you find an old thing connected to a hobby or old interest you've been neglecting.

My point is get busy doing nothing or something and while you're doing that, think self supporting thoughts. Therapy isn't a bad idea either but sometimes you just gotta be a better friend to yourself.  Choose you! Not having a significant other is not the worst thing at any age... don't put societal bs on yourself.  Beating yourself up about things you can't help,  doesn't help. 

I never thought of that, be a better friend to yourself. Therapy may still be on the table but that is a very interesting way to look at it. 

[smackie9]

Ya this isolation thing with covid does make people have tunnel vision in a very negative way. Not enough social interaction makes the human mind lose itself, and that seems to be the trend on the boards here. Finding your own happiness without having to depend on others is key.

[lostandhurt]

18 hours ago, lionheart153 said:

Days ago I admitted I still love my ex? Not sure where you got that. I love her as a person and want the best for her. My last post regarding anything to do with my ex was near christmas, it was def because it was tough during Christmas being completely alone as I was unable to see friends or family due to covid. 

 

Christmas day you admitted you still love your ex.  That was 20 days ago, a blink of the eye really in terms of healing and moving on in a healthy way.  You may have been having a bad day but you felt strongly enough to post about it. 

From reading your words your perspective of the amount of time to heal from being in love and in a relationship to being single, accepting it is over and then starting to heal so you can one day start dating again is extremely compressed.  Dating after being broken up just 3 months from a serious relationship and just 20 days ago admitting you still love her is way to soon.  I get the feeling this being in such a hurry and apprehension you feel about this women you have been talking to are all rooted in the same thing.  I think you agree you are in fear but of what exactly?  Fear of being alone or fear of never finding the ONE?  You need to figure out where this fear originated from.  Childhood, recent relationships, isolation due to Covid or something totally different.  What I am saying is you want to know how to treat the symptom and I think you should stop and figure the illness as it were.

  In any event it seems to me that you started dating again to soon and have not totally healed from the last relationship.

Lost

[boltnrun]

Do you believe the only way you can "feel better" is to find a new girlfriend?

[reinventmyself]

After the ending of a relationship, there is a legitimate void.  Coupled with all the complex emotions of detaching and become a singular minded takes time.

Resist the temptation to fill the void with the next available person.  You won't make a good choice and it's anxiety provoking.

Agreed.  This time of covid isolation is extraordinary.  I try to look at this time as a sabbatical.  You may never get this opportunity again to have this amount of uninterrupted time to address the anxiety and learn somethings about yourself.  Expect it to be uncomfortable at times.  Anxiety is typically issues you are avoiding. 

Look at it as investment.  Your quality of life and future relationship will be better for having done so.

I get the whole * getting to know yourself, like yourself is this vague, ambiguous blanket concept.  I used to scratch my head and wish someone could explain what that looked like to me.  Everyone's journey is different.  Therapy, journalling and books on the subject, helped me tremendously.  That and time.

My therapist would ask me "what's the anxiety telling you"

[SooSad33]

20 hours ago, lionheart153 said:

being bothered that I noticed she is probably or maybe talking to someone else to, to what extent I don't know. I feel like I am looking for signs and there have been signs that makes it feel like she may be interested but then again maybe its all in my head. 

- From all I have read from you and others response.... I don't think any of this matters, at this time.

You should not be looking at anyone this way , be looking for or expecting anything... UNTIL you are doing better than this. ( you are not far out of a relationship- you are not alll well & good, are you?).

20 hours ago, lionheart153 said:

I seem to have a hard time not getting attached to someone. And I feel like I am always in my own way. I know people say never to put it all in one basket and I try not to. But when I start talking to someone and I realize that we click, I start to get narrowminded. Like in no way am I and this girl dating, just talking as friends, but I start to get into a rollercoaster of emotions. I often will be anxious to see when she texts me or if she texts me at all. I hang on to every word she says like it means something. Like when she says I am handsome or amazing when it was made clear that she wants to be friends first. Wondering if her wording means that she is open to the idea if the connection is right.

Take note: "hard time not getting attached to someone" & "get a rollercoaster of emotions"- nervous/anxious?

& to be so concerned over texting, is not all that good 😞 ..especially if you've just started 'talking'...( I am at the point, if they msg me, fine.. if not, fine.  I let it all go).

Yeah- wondering if the connection is right? ( due to your last experience?)  Plainly, still affected.

20 hours ago, lionheart153 said:

I'm in a weird moment in my life as I am in my early 30's I just got out of a relationship with someone that ended because our timing just wasn't right. I think I am ready to move on, as I feel better about everything and I have been working on myself again.

- Good, to work on yourself.. and you NEED to keep at it, I feel.

You know you are still not over her, right? (admitting you're thoughts abt her a little over a month ago?).

Can take a bit of time, to work through our thoughts & feelings _ Many months, especially if it caused a deep impact. Do you not agree?  Did you used to be this way as well, before this last relationship?

I do agree re: some prof help - Some time spent on working through what's going on with you / your anxiety etc, is a good thing. ( I had one on one & grp throughout a 4 yr time span).

If you think about it, if you try to move on to another relation, what are you bringing in with you to that?

- Uncertainty?

- doubt?

- insecurities?

- will you be comparing that one to your ex?

Yeah, someone does not need that kind of treatment... a lot out there need more time than they actually take before jumping into something new.

So, how about, for the next while, you do NOT even think of getting involved again for a while... but keep your focus on yourself. ( I've been on my own about 2 yrs.. and in no way am I feeling okay about getting involved again- life's experiences can run us aground 😞 .).

As for this gal you just want to be 'friends' with... If she keeps at you & you don't want that- be honest & keep your word.  If you just stop responding, she will get the hint.

[catfeeder]

Think of all the people you've met over the course of you life, and then zero in on those you've clicked with as actual close friends--not just acquaintances.

I tend to think of this kind of selectivity as 'simpatico'. Someone who 'gets you'. Someone who can view you through the right lens. Someone who owns the vision to enjoy and appreciate YOUR vision--and your unique value.

This is just choosing friends--and we're 'allowed' to have lots of friends. However, most of us only click to this degree with very few people. 

But we only get to choose ONE lover, if we're monogamous, and yet when dating, most people are more focused on their own 'performance' than they are on using their intuition to decide whether simpatico is even there with this person.

The mind pretzels focus on trying to read another to gauge what they think instead of the other way around. Yet if you strike true simpatico with someone, you won't be so worried about this, you'll be too busy being happy.

In most cases, we do NOT strike simpatico. It's rare. it's supposed to be rare, or what would be so special about it? Yet most focus on ways to try to build what can't be built instead of 'nexting' a person and seeking simpatico with someone else.

This is unfortunate, because just as with friendships, most people are NOT our match.

Screening for simpatico is like finding a needle in a haystack. There are plenty of perfectly good people to settle for, but why settle? Why play mind games with yourself 'around' the fact that you don't click well enough with someone to avoid this torture?

You're pretty fresh out of a breakup. Under normal circumstances we can focus on friends and loved ones and the outside world to 'normalize' after a breakup. Nobody has that luxury right now, but shopping for a new girlfriend at this time is not a great idea.

Wait until you can build the confidence that seeks a GOOD match rather than looping yourself into shopping from an insecure place. Therapy might be a better option now than during normal times, because when the goal is to stop drilling yourself into a deeper hole to climb out of, its helpful to learn how to relax--solo. You'll thank yourself for the perspective this can give you later. It's a far better platform from which to avoid settling for a girlfriend--any girlfriend--rather than seeking nothing less than the true simpatico that will give you no doubts.