My girlfriend has developed a very low libido. What can we do? (I’m 27m, she’s 2

[justsomeguy8]

We are almost three years into our relationship. She was my first sexual partner whilst she had had multiple (but none long-term). The first 1.5 years or so were great sex-wise. After that her appetite gradually deteriorated to now being at a point where she has absolutely no appetite for sex in any form. When we have had sex, it’s very clear she’s not into it. And when we don’t, I get frustrated (and she can tell). I’d say my sex drive is pretty average, whatever that means (I masturbate maybe 3 times a week, and would be happy with sex once a week).

Every other aspect of our relationship is basically perfect, but this is increasingly becoming a big issue. At first we tried making things a little more interesting in the bedroom which helped a bit in the short term. We talk about the issue, but it’s becoming hard to have a productive conversation when we are now so far apart in how we feel. And she is definitely fed up of the conversation (no doubt that talking about it is one thing that’s contributed to her lower libido).

She insists it’s not about how attracted she is to me - she just doesn’t have any sexual desire anymore. She’s been to the doctors and there isn’t anything physical that’s likely to be the issue. And there’s nothing suggesting that she’s depressed. She’s been referred to a psycho-sexual therapist, but the waiting list for that is a few months - and as it stands it’s very possible we’ll have no sex at all for that time. I’m obviously willing to wait, but am worried about putting a lot of pressure on that process to fix things.

We moved in together a few months ago, and her sexual appetite seemed to diminish more quickly after that. She’s recently started a busy new job, which I’m sure also hasn’t helped. But this was an issue before that as well, and even when we have a few days where she isn’t working, things aren’t any different. I’m all out of ideas and feeling pretty down about it all, and she’s sick of talking about it anyway. What can I/we/she do?

[Seraphim]

Did she change birth control?

[MissCanuck]

How old is she, OP?

[Andrina]

After 3 years together, 60 days to wait for the therapy to start isn't long in the span of things. If it were me, I'd wait and see what the therapist suggests. He/she will likely lay out an initial plan for you two to follow. If that's too much pressure for your gf, it's too damn bad. Either she will want to fix things for the both of you, or she doesn't care.

 

It's either a low libido, or she's angry at you for some reason but fails to tell you what's bothering her in the relationship. Or, maybe she's outgrown the relationship and too cowardly to break up.

 

Give the therapy a good long time to work, because miracles don't happen overnight. If it doesn't work, know you did everything you could before throwing in the towel. Because no, you shouldn't live your one precious life in frustration. Even if she's wonderful in every other way, being incompatible sexually should be a dealbreaker. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[Wiseman2]

What happened 1.5 yrs ago? First of all stop begging, talking about it or useless "spicing things up in the bedroom". Those things are for you, not her. You need to address the relationship problems. That mean whatever is spilling into the bedroom from the relationship tension (including hounding her about your urges and needs).

 

Playing house is stressful, especially if she has other stressors such as a new job, etc. You need to step up. That means pulling your weight financially as well as any and all household chores, errands, etc.

 

Lack of sex is a both of you problem not a her problem. She went to a physician and all is well. So you need to figure out why living together is a drag for her. You also can not stop the romance once you move in.

 

Do you go on dates? When's the last time you surprised her? When's the last time you made dinner? When's the last time you had nonsexual time on the sofa watching something she likes? Wake up. It's not her hormones, it's living together and stress.

We are almost three years into our relationship. The first 1.5 years or so were great sex-wise.

 

We moved in together a few months ago, and her sexual appetite seemed to diminish more quickly after that. She’s recently started a busy new job, which I’m sure also hasn’t helped.

[Lambert]

I tend to think there is more to this than what you think you know.

 

Sex is important but more important is sexually compatibility. Any thing can be normal and healthy, if both are consenting adults. I don't mean the actual acts. but rather, in this case,, whether a couple has sex every day or every 2 years, is normal to them, if both people prefer it that way.

 

It could be that nothing in her needs fixing and you are not asking for anything unreasonable. they don't have to be related.

 

if a person is reluctant to be intimate with you, it does seem to reason, they are not comfortable being completely honest either. And the more you push, the more they pull away.

 

How comfortable are you staying in this relationship, if things don't change?

 

It us encouraging she is open to therapy. So if everything else is great, as you say, is it worth to you to see how this goes? Or are you getting more bitter by the day?

 

Therapy is not a magic pill. After one visit, everything won't magically be back to how it was. Do you have the patience for long haul?

 

She could see all your attempts to fix this, as you only wanting her for sex. It is hard to start a new job and a new routine, as is moving in with your partner. you may not be living up to her expectations.

 

Sometimes relationships fall apart, just as is moving to the next level. One person thinks its fine. the other person is realizing, its not what they want.

[Jibralta]

We moved in together a few months ago, and her sexual appetite seemed to diminish more quickly after that.

 

Interesting. How do you spilt up the chores? I ask, because sometimes one person gets stuck doing everything while the other does no chores and/or half-asses the ones they are responsible for. That's usually a big libido killer.

[justsomeguy8]

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[justsomeguy8]

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[justsomeguy8]

Did she change birth control?

 

No she didn't (and the doctor seemed to think this was unlikely to be the issue)

[justsomeguy8]

How old is she, OP?

 

She is 25yo.

[justsomeguy8]

After 3 years together, 60 days to wait for the therapy to start isn't long in the span of things. If it were me, I'd wait and see what the therapist suggests. He/she will likely lay out an initial plan for you two to follow. If that's too much pressure for your gf, it's too damn bad. Either she will want to fix things for the both of you, or she doesn't care.

 

It's either a low libido, or she's angry at you for some reason but fails to tell you what's bothering her in the relationship. Or, maybe she's outgrown the relationship and too cowardly to break up.

 

Give the therapy a good long time to work, because miracles don't happen overnight. If it doesn't work, know you did everything you could before throwing in the towel. Because no, you shouldn't live your one precious life in frustration. Even if she's wonderful in every other way, being incompatible sexually should be a dealbreaker. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

 

Thanks for this. I was a bit lazy when I said 'a few months' - it's actually 4 months. But I think your point still stands - it's not long in the grand scheme of things. She isn't great at hiding when she's annoyed or whatever, and is happy (happiest?) when talking about us being together for the very long term, so I'm pretty confident that she doesn't have other major issues with the relationship.

[justsomeguy8]

What happened 1.5 yrs ago? First of all stop begging, talking about it or useless "spicing things up in the bedroom". Those things are for you, not her. You need to address the relationship problems. That mean whatever is spilling into the bedroom from the relationship tension (including hounding her about your urges and needs).

 

Playing house is stressful, especially if she has other stressors such as a new job, etc. You need to step up. That means pulling your weight financially as well as any and all household chores, errands, etc.

 

Lack of sex is a both of you problem not a her problem. She went to a physician and all is well. So you need to figure out why living together is a drag for her. You also can not stop the romance once you move in.

 

Do you go on dates? When's the last time you surprised her? When's the last time you made dinner? When's the last time you had nonsexual time on the sofa watching something she likes? Wake up. It's not her hormones, it's living together and stress.

 

Thanks for this! To clarify a few things - our finances are largely separated still - but I am comfortably the main earner financially of the two of us (she only recently graduated from university). I also do the vast majority of chores etc. as I am working from home so have more time to (though she helps out when she can). I love to cook for her and do so most days.

 

We go on dates (at least once a week, pandemic permitting...), I do a pretty good job of romantic surprises (I think)!, and most evenings we are cuddling on the sofa watching something she likes, or playing games or whatever. So yeah, I think non-sexually, we are doing pretty good. No doubt things will still be stressful for her sometimes, but I think I'm doing a reasonable job of helping with that where I can.

[justsomeguy8]

Interesting. How do you spilt up the chores? I ask, because sometimes one person gets stuck doing everything while the other does no chores and/or half-asses the ones they are responsible for. That's usually a big libido killer.

 

Thanks. Touched on this in another reply - but I do the vast majority of the chores, with her chipping when she has a chance (which I'm fine with, given her work is more stressful than mine).

[Rose Mosse]

What do you talk about when you're together?

[justsomeguy8]

I tend to think there is more to this than what you think you know.

 

Sex is important but more important is sexually compatibility. Any thing can be normal and healthy, if both are consenting adults. I don't mean the actual acts. but rather, in this case,, whether a couple has sex every day or every 2 years, is normal to them, if both people prefer it that way.

 

It could be that nothing in her needs fixing and you are not asking for anything unreasonable. they don't have to be related.

 

if a person is reluctant to be intimate with you, it does seem to reason, they are not comfortable being completely honest either. And the more you push, the more they pull away.

 

How comfortable are you staying in this relationship, if things don't change?

 

It us encouraging she is open to therapy. So if everything else is great, as you say, is it worth to you to see how this goes? Or are you getting more bitter by the day?

 

Therapy is not a magic pill. After one visit, everything won't magically be back to how it was. Do you have the patience for long haul?

 

She could see all your attempts to fix this, as you only wanting her for sex. It is hard to start a new job and a new routine, as is moving in with your partner. you may not be living up to her expectations.

 

Sometimes relationships fall apart, just as is moving to the next level. One person thinks its fine. the other person is realizing, its not what they want.

 

Thanks for this thoughtful response. You are right. I feel guilty that her low libido is feeling like a problem that needs to be fixed - because she is completely entitled to feel that way. But at the same time she went from having a very high libido to a very low libido in the 3 years we've been together, so something has changed for her. One issue for me is partly that she was my first sexual partner - so I'd feel frustrated staying with her long term knowing that as long as I'm with her, my sex life is already over. But given everything else is going well, I'd probably also regret it if I left her over this.

 

Given all this, it would be pretty stupid of me not to be patient and wait to see what therapy brings. But I'm worried that if therapy doesn't work, we'll have exhausted all our options. And her knowing that puts a lot of pressure on therapy being a success (and that pressure may make it less likely to work). So I'm just looking for ways to lay the groundwork to hopefully help make therapy a success.

[justsomeguy8]

What do you talk about when you're together?

 

Normal day-to-day mundane stuff usually I guess? But we have lots in common in terms of music/sport etc. She talks about work quite a lot. But we also talk about our future together from time to time, which is nice.

[Rose Mosse]

Thanks for this thoughtful response. You are right. I feel guilty that her low libido is feeling like a problem that needs to be fixed - because she is completely entitled to feel that way. But at the same time she went from having a very high libido to a very low libido in the 3 years we've been together, so something has changed for her. One issue for me is partly that she was my first sexual partner - so I'd feel frustrated staying with her long term knowing that as long as I'm with her, my sex life is already over. But given everything else is going well, I'd probably also regret it if I left her over this.

 

Given all this, it would be pretty stupid of me not to be patient and wait to see what therapy brings. But I'm worried that if therapy doesn't work, we'll have exhausted all our options. And her knowing that puts a lot of pressure on therapy being a success (and that pressure may make it less likely to work). So I'm just looking for ways to lay the groundwork to hopefully help make therapy a success.

 

That type of thinking is learned though (bold font). Did someone put that into your head or say that to you or suggest that you should be playing the field or getting more experience before settling down?

 

If you want to look into this more, I think what I'd be most interested in learning more of (about myself, in your shoes) is how I view sex and sexual intimacy. Is it a competitive sport or is it about connecting on an intimate level with someone you care about? There's some root in your thinking there that appears skewed towards self-development and it's competing against being in a monogamous relationship.

 

With that sort of mentality I don't think it's healthy for you to be in a monogamous relationship at all.

[Jibralta]

Thanks. Touched on this in another reply - but I do the vast majority of the chores, with her chipping when she has a chance (which I'm fine with, given her work is more stressful than mine).

 

Well, that and the job stress are the two "gimmes" that come to mind without actually knowing the two of you... but I think Rose Mosse make's a good point when she commented about this remark of yours:

 

One issue for me is partly that she was my first sexual partner - so I'd feel frustrated staying with her long term knowing that as long as I'm with her, my sex life is already over.

 

It laden with anxiety and outside pressure. And I get that the world basically screams SEX YOUTH WEALTH at everyone at all times, and that can be overwhelming. But sometimes you have to--you MUST--tune that stuff out, take a good look around you, and appreciate what you have.

 

Also, put this into perspective:

 

After 3 years together, 60 days to wait for the therapy to start isn't long in the span of things.

[poorlittlefish]

How considerate are you of your girlfriend's wants and needs in the bedroom? If most of the focus is on your pleasure and she becomes an afterthought (or doesn't get anywhere because you've finished), then it would soon put her off wanting to do it anymore. There is nothing worse than feeling like your body is being used by a selfish lover.

[camus154]

She's obviously not into you sexually, at least at this stage of the game.

 

The question is why. Can you shed some light on that?

[lostcuz88]

Hey Man. I’m sorry to hear this you sound like a great guy and my situation is different from you (living wise) However, were faced with the same problem. I just want you to know that it’s not you. I don’t know you or your character at all, but if you’re truly anything like you’ve described in this post. Then you’re a great guy and nothing is wrong with you.

 

My conclusion is that your girlfriend has just lost attraction for you point blank. Now of course you can try and gain some attraction from her. But if you guys can’t even talk about it. Then it’ll just get to the point where you’ll end up resenting each other or it’ll feel like it’s a chore to her. And she’ll express this.

 

“ fine let’s just get it over with”

“Or fine let just do it”

TRUST ME that hurts.

 

If you think it’ll improve. Then work on it. But also look deep inside and ask if you’re Willing to be in a relationship where you’re not sexually satisfied.

 

P.s. Let me know how Therapy works.

[justsomeguy8]

Hey Man. I’m sorry to hear this you sound like a great guy and my situation is different from you (living wise) However, were faced with the same problem. I just want you to know that it’s not you. I don’t know you or your character at all, but if you’re truly anything like you’ve described in this post. Then you’re a great guy and nothing is wrong with you.

 

My conclusion is that your girlfriend has just lost attraction for you point blank. Now of course you can try and gain some attraction from her. But if you guys can’t even talk about it. Then it’ll just get to the point where you’ll end up resenting each other or it’ll feel like it’s a chore to her. And she’ll express this.

 

“ fine let’s just get it over with”

“Or fine let just do it”

TRUST ME that hurts.

 

If you think it’ll improve. Then work on it. But also look deep inside and ask if you’re Willing to be in a relationship where you’re not sexually satisfied.

 

P.s. Let me know how Therapy works.

 

Thanks for the support - and sorry to hear you’ve been in a similar position. I hear what you say about sex becoming a chore for her, and yeah I’ve been there with that.

 

I’m still hopeful - but you’re right that if things don’t improve I might need to do a bit of soul-searching...

[justsomeguy8]

How considerate are you of your girlfriend's wants and needs in the bedroom? If most of the focus is on your pleasure and she becomes an afterthought (or doesn't get anywhere because you've finished), then it would soon put her off wanting to do it anymore. There is nothing worse than feeling like your body is being used by a selfish lover.

 

So I don’t think this specifically is the issue. When this problem started to arise I would take extra care to spend much more time doing the things she was enjoying in the bedroom, even if it did nothing for me.

 

That said, when we spoke the other day she said that before meeting me, she never really thought about what she enjoyed about sex, she just used it as a way of getting affection and enjoyed making the other person happy. She definitely enjoyed it, but at the same time often found it difficult to orgasm (a problem she always had before meeting me) - but she never really wanted it to be about her anyway so it never bothered her that much (and as I say, clearly enjoyed sex a lot despite this).

 

I guess now she doesn’t need sex as a way to get affection, as she gets plenty of non-sexual affection. I want to encourage her to make sex more about what pleases her because obviously finding it difficult to orgasm will take its toll over time and the novelty of sex wears off. It feels like we are now past the point that I can help... But I’m hoping therapy might be able to start to tackle some of her underlying issues (as she’s at pains to say that it’s not about me)

 

(Realised writing this that there’s a lot of stuff here I should’ve mentioned in the initial post - apologies)

[Wiseman2]

You mentioned she had a "high libido" until you moved in together.

 

Now you claim she has been anorgasmic long before you met.

 

At the same time you mentioned she has been worked up with her doctors and everything is fine.

 

It seems like the lack of sex is still more of a symptom than the problem in itself.