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justsomeguy8

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  1. So I don’t think this specifically is the issue. When this problem started to arise I would take extra care to spend much more time doing the things she was enjoying in the bedroom, even if it did nothing for me. That said, when we spoke the other day she said that before meeting me, she never really thought about what she enjoyed about sex, she just used it as a way of getting affection and enjoyed making the other person happy. She definitely enjoyed it, but at the same time often found it difficult to orgasm (a problem she always had before meeting me) - but she never really wanted it to be about her anyway so it never bothered her that much (and as I say, clearly enjoyed sex a lot despite this). I guess now she doesn’t need sex as a way to get affection, as she gets plenty of non-sexual affection. I want to encourage her to make sex more about what pleases her because obviously finding it difficult to orgasm will take its toll over time and the novelty of sex wears off. It feels like we are now past the point that I can help... But I’m hoping therapy might be able to start to tackle some of her underlying issues (as she’s at pains to say that it’s not about me) (Realised writing this that there’s a lot of stuff here I should’ve mentioned in the initial post - apologies)
  2. Thanks for the support - and sorry to hear you’ve been in a similar position. I hear what you say about sex becoming a chore for her, and yeah I’ve been there with that. I’m still hopeful - but you’re right that if things don’t improve I might need to do a bit of soul-searching...
  3. Normal day-to-day mundane stuff usually I guess? But we have lots in common in terms of music/sport etc. She talks about work quite a lot. But we also talk about our future together from time to time, which is nice.
  4. Thanks for this thoughtful response. You are right. I feel guilty that her low libido is feeling like a problem that needs to be fixed - because she is completely entitled to feel that way. But at the same time she went from having a very high libido to a very low libido in the 3 years we've been together, so something has changed for her. One issue for me is partly that she was my first sexual partner - so I'd feel frustrated staying with her long term knowing that as long as I'm with her, my sex life is already over. But given everything else is going well, I'd probably also regret it if I left her over this. Given all this, it would be pretty stupid of me not to be patient and wait to see what therapy brings. But I'm worried that if therapy doesn't work, we'll have exhausted all our options. And her knowing that puts a lot of pressure on therapy being a success (and that pressure may make it less likely to work). So I'm just looking for ways to lay the groundwork to hopefully help make therapy a success.
  5. Thanks. Touched on this in another reply - but I do the vast majority of the chores, with her chipping when she has a chance (which I'm fine with, given her work is more stressful than mine).
  6. Thanks for this! To clarify a few things - our finances are largely separated still - but I am comfortably the main earner financially of the two of us (she only recently graduated from university). I also do the vast majority of chores etc. as I am working from home so have more time to (though she helps out when she can). I love to cook for her and do so most days. We go on dates (at least once a week, pandemic permitting...), I do a pretty good job of romantic surprises (I think)!, and most evenings we are cuddling on the sofa watching something she likes, or playing games or whatever. So yeah, I think non-sexually, we are doing pretty good. No doubt things will still be stressful for her sometimes, but I think I'm doing a reasonable job of helping with that where I can.
  7. Thanks for this. I was a bit lazy when I said 'a few months' - it's actually 4 months. But I think your point still stands - it's not long in the grand scheme of things. She isn't great at hiding when she's annoyed or whatever, and is happy (happiest?) when talking about us being together for the very long term, so I'm pretty confident that she doesn't have other major issues with the relationship.
  8. No she didn't (and the doctor seemed to think this was unlikely to be the issue)
  9. We are almost three years into our relationship. She was my first sexual partner whilst she had had multiple (but none long-term). The first 1.5 years or so were great sex-wise. After that her appetite gradually deteriorated to now being at a point where she has absolutely no appetite for sex in any form. When we have had sex, it’s very clear she’s not into it. And when we don’t, I get frustrated (and she can tell). I’d say my sex drive is pretty average, whatever that means (I masturbate maybe 3 times a week, and would be happy with sex once a week). Every other aspect of our relationship is basically perfect, but this is increasingly becoming a big issue. At first we tried making things a little more interesting in the bedroom which helped a bit in the short term. We talk about the issue, but it’s becoming hard to have a productive conversation when we are now so far apart in how we feel. And she is definitely fed up of the conversation (no doubt that talking about it is one thing that’s contributed to her lower libido). She insists it’s not about how attracted she is to me - she just doesn’t have any sexual desire anymore. She’s been to the doctors and there isn’t anything physical that’s likely to be the issue. And there’s nothing suggesting that she’s depressed. She’s been referred to a psycho-sexual therapist, but the waiting list for that is a few months - and as it stands it’s very possible we’ll have no sex at all for that time. I’m obviously willing to wait, but am worried about putting a lot of pressure on that process to fix things. We moved in together a few months ago, and her sexual appetite seemed to diminish more quickly after that. She’s recently started a busy new job, which I’m sure also hasn’t helped. But this was an issue before that as well, and even when we have a few days where she isn’t working, things aren’t any different. I’m all out of ideas and feeling pretty down about it all, and she’s sick of talking about it anyway. What can I/we/she do?
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