Is it porn or is it me?

[DreamofCalif]

Hi everyone,

 

This is my first post here and I feel like I'm just reaching for answers from someone, anyone.

So a bit of background first: been with my partner for 6 years and we have a 1 year old together. We have a home and both have good jobs. We were extremely physical in the beginning of our relationship and couldn't keep our hands off eachother.

 

The last 2 years have been a massive slump. Since I got pregnant he has hardly touched me (in fact twice in 2 years which I will mention later). When we were trying to conceive I suffered a few miscarriages and the last one before our full term pregnancy ended in me being incredibly ill in hospital and nearly dying. It's been a crazy few years.

But we 're out the other side with our child and I am back to full health. The last 2 times we had sex I instigated it. 1 being when I was pregnant and waaaaay overdue and wanted to try anything to get the baby out - he wasn't impressed and didn't enjoy it.

Second time being when we had a long discussion about how I felt unwanted and unloved and unsexy and we ended up talking ourselves into a quickie while the baby napped. Needless to say it wasn't very romantic.

 

Now the other issue is he watches porn almost daily (I've seen his phone history as it's linked to my laptop and comes up with the searches - I wasn't snooping) and he has watched it regularly when I'm in the house. He doesn't come to bed with me at night and often falls asleep on the sofa. He's just not interested in me at all but always has an excuse as it why and it ends up in an argument if I bring it up. The ONLY time he tried to initiate sex was when our baby was 2 months old and I was still sore from giving birth and my family were on holiday with us. The least romantic scenario I could think of!! I didn't want our first time since the baby was born as a quickie when someone could walk in so I explained why and said no.

 

I just wish he could understand why it offends me and why I'm worried. I'm really not sure what to do and to be honest it makes me not want to bother initiating sex because I feel so hurt.

What should I do? Or do I just need to accept that this is our life now? Other people seem to be having weekly sex and I'm getting it yearly. What is going on?

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately it seems like you've become estranged from stress, parenting and he has become too accustomed to porn. There are a few lifestyle changes you could make such as as having some regular uninterrupted alone time leaving the child with friends or family to babysit. Another is couples therapy to start a dialogue about affection, sex and romance.

[SherrySher]

I agree on couples therapy. He's not even trying to engage with you and is satisfying his needs through porn. That's not okay.

 

This is something you need to sit down and talk to him about. It's already gotten to be fairly serious as he's not sleeping with you anymore and barely having sex with you anymore.

It's not something you should keep trying to avoid. This could easily cause a divorce.

 

Just face it head on and ask him if he's happy, or why he isn't. Why it is he prefers sex with a video and not you and lastly, if he's willing to work through this with you, or not.

[Andrina]

Your discussions haven't worked, and he likely doesn't see a problem with watching porn daily, so I highly doubt you can get this resolved without professional help.

 

I'd tell him that you love him and want the marriage to work, so you want him to attend marital counseling with you. That might lead to the counselor suggesting individual counseling for him. If he refuses, I would show him the seriousness of the situation and tell him you're going to see a counselor yourself, and that you're not going to live the rest of your life as it is now.

 

If he can't meet you halfway in fixing what's broken, then no, you shouldn't give up a happy life--the only one you're given--when he doesn't care that you're unhappy and dissatisfied. Many people have first marriages that don't work out. I'm sorry this has happened to you. My first marriage ended for different reasons. I'm far happier in my second marriage. Yeah, it was a rough transition period before that happened, but such is life. Have confidence you will handle whatever fork in the road you have to take.

[SherrySher]

Unfortunately, at this point you really do have only two options, a marriage counselor or a divorce attorney.

 

I hope you make that known to him as he is treating you poorly.

 

Having a baby can be very stressful on a couple, but instead of working with you, he's off doing his own thing. That dynamic will end in divorce.

[Seraphim]

Maybe he is terrified of sex leading to more miscarriages and your death? Maybe he is traumatized?

[itsallgrand]

Maybe he is terrified of sex leading to more miscarriages and your death? Maybe he is traumatized?

 

I was thinking along similar lines.

Something emotionally he is trying to process after the miscarriages and facing the possibility of losing you due to pregnancy.

Porn is safe. No one can get pregnant, no chance of death or miscarriage, no grief, and no worries.

Is he still affectionate and loving towards you? Does he have a good relationship with the little one?

Can you approach it differently, and leave your offense aside? There's something wrong. He's pulling away. If he is struggling emotionally, he may already be very hard on himself for not just springing right back from what are very distressing events, and feeling like a failure.

[SherrySher]

Porn is safe. No one can get pregnant, no chance of death or miscarriage, no grief, and no worries.

 

Yes, but on some level he must realize he is compromising his marriage by ignoring his wife and going to porn.

 

Despite his possible worries, he is still making things worse.

 

I think there are two possibilities, that he is still processing the traumatic outcome or that he is a bad husband and prefers porn.

 

He is definitely withdrawing from his wife, but it might simply be that he's not ready to be a husband or a father and is being selfish. ( I went through similar with my ex husband).

 

As to which one it is, you'd have to ask him, OP. But this is not something that should keep being pushed under the rug.

[itsallgrand]

I sincerely hope he's not just a bad partner who isn't wanting marriage and to be a dad, especially considering they went through multiple miscarriages to have a child.

 

I can only imagine how emotionally exhausting it would be to go through all that. I had one pregnancy which ended in miscarriage, was very sick and depressed for a time. It was difficult on our relationship, the grief and emotions for both of us, even though we have a solid one. We did get through it, but imaging several in succession and then the necessary energy focus and attention on a child... I don't know, it seems odd to me to expect to be ok after that with no leftover emotional issues to sort through.

[SherrySher]

Not so much, not wanting marriage or to be a dad, more so overwhelmed with it and not as ready as he thought he was.

 

Again, I am only going on my experience, but my ex was still somewhat immature, not as experienced as he might have liked to have been. He went into a bit of a mid life crisis so to speak when he suddenly realized the responsibilities he now had as not only someone's husband, but someone's father. Reverted back to acting more single than a married man, wanted to go back to his early twenties, etc.

 

I'm not saying 100% that this is the case, but for some men, it can be overwhelming and they start feeling like they want to go back to being a single man etc.

 

It is true that it is more than possible that he is traumatized and needs some kind of counselling to cope, but without OP talking to her husband, we are just guessing what is going on with him.

 

Watching porn to that degree though, makes me wonder. Someone who is traumatized and depressed, won't normally feel like doing that.

[Seraphim]

Not necessarily, it took my husband 10 years to release the grief of our second trimester loss and process it and was still able to watch porn. Porn is a no stress activity.

[SherrySher]

I hope you can get to the bottom of it, OP. It must be so tough. I'm sorry you're going through this.

[DreamofCalif]

Thanks for so many replies. So many things I hadn't considered before and him being traumatised was definitely something I hadn't considered.

 

I felt I should answer some things and clear up some questions to help the replies.

Firstly, he is an amazing father to our child and a very hands on parent. I couldn't ask for more and he loves our child very much. He works very long hours (between 12 and 15 hours sometimes 6 days a week) and has a fairly physical job which often leaves him tired or in pain. We are older parents in our mid to late 30s and wanted our child very much and knew our lives would change dramatically.

Also, we have discussed the original problem about the porn (sorry if I didn't make this clear in my OP) but he often gives many different excuses: tired, in pain, baby in next room etc. I told him don't feel as loved and he reassures me he loves me, wants me, finds me attractive and porn is just a means to an end. But I don't want to be that naggy wife. Porn doesn't bother me but I've told him it bothers me when I'm right here and he doesn't seem to want me. In return he has said that we haven't had the opportunity so it's his outlet.

Basically, I see his point and I do always come round to his way of thinking but then it goes on for a bit longer and I get myself wound up again. He is affectionate and kisses me and says he loves me but we just don't have sex.

I'm starting to think the trauma thing took the fun out of sex perhaps?? And like you said, it's easy, it's available, it doesn't nag him and he gets what he wants quickly with no fuss.

Another thing, he's put on weight since the baby came along and I wonder if he's embarrassed about this but I've told him I love him no matter what. I know my body has changed but maybe he's concerned about his own too?

 

Sorry that was a longer reply than I anticipated, I'm just thinking out loud a little bit. I very much appreciate all your responses though and counselling is a route I'm willing to consider if we can't patch this up ourselves.

[dias]

12-15 hours 6 days per week and helping a lot with the baby... i don't know about any other factors but this alone is enough to not want sex. I mean if you are tired all the time you don't want to do anything else than relax

[SherrySher]

Yes, no doubt. Now that you've given more details, it's obvious that he is physically and mentally exhausted.

 

All you can do now as a couple is support each other. Try to help one another. I know sex is worrying you, but for now, just let it be. Talking to him about it will add more pressure and he already seems stretched very thin.

 

Adjusting to a new baby is difficult. Everything changes. There's more money issues, less sleep, etc. It's normal to feel stressed and to not feel as close as you did before the baby,

But in time things will change again, for the better, and you both will get more sleep, you will get more settled and things won't seem as chaotic as they do right now.

 

When you gave more details, it truly does sound like your husband loves you, he's just very worn out, which is understandable. You must be too. Being a new mommy is hard.

I know you at times, no doubt feel lonely, miss your husband, want someone to talk to that's an adult, etc.

It's tough, but things will adjust for the better eventually. Give it time. Do what you can to stay close to your husband but for the time being, try not to stress too much over the lack of sex.

 

It really does sound like your both tired and doing your best as parents right now.

[DreamofCalif]

Thankyou so much, you've given me lots to reflect on and maybe I need to focus on us as a couple and bringing the sex back through love and our connection. It is hard but nothing worth fighting for ever came easy, right? And he is worth it just we've gone a little astray the last couple of years is all.

[redswim30]

Thankyou so much, you've given me lots to reflect on and maybe I need to focus on us as a couple and bringing the sex back through love and our connection. It is hard but nothing worth fighting for ever came easy, right? And he is worth it just we've gone a little astray the last couple of years is all.

 

 

I think this is a pretty big problem, to be honest. And if you don't nip this in the bud now, it will only get worse and become routine.

 

Sorry to tell you, but it's a pretty common issue- Men losing sexual interest in their wife after having a baby. There's the old joke- You can either have a good marriage or a baby, but you can't have both. Now, I'm not saying that I necessarily agree with that statement- BUT- I do think it's a joke for a reason.

 

A lot of men (whether they do consciously or not)- get jealous over their wife's attention on the baby and get resentful.

 

A lot of men start seeing their wives as more of a mother figure and as less desirable. (I think biologically men are programmed this way. They are meant to biologically impregnate a woman then move on to the next partner.)

 

And a lot of men just start seeking out excitement elsewhere. Sorry ladies- but I've had too many "happily married men" whose wives JUST had babies suggest having an affair for "fun" to think this is a just a coincidence. I always say NO (since I am happily married) but I've seen lots of "good guys" and guys you would NEVER think would do this, do this.

 

 

If your husband is a "good guy", he is never going to tell you these things because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings. But chances are it IS one of these things. Why do I say that? There's only ONE reason for a partner not to have sex with you - they don't want to. The sub reason doesn't really matter because it all results in you not being intimate. Most men if they have a ready and willing partner are going to choose that over a video every time. They only reason they won't, is that they aren't into you.

 

Since you have a baby, I'd recommend couples therapy. But whatever you do, don't just shrug your shoulders and say " It's a phase". You are still a new mom and the baby is going to occupy most of your time for the next several years. If you don't address these issues now, you will wake up one day and realize your marriage has slipped thru your fingers. Please remember this- It is totally possible for a man to be a GREAT Father while being a s***ty husband.

Do not accept the s***ty husband JUST because he's a good father.

You need this to end now. Do NOT just accept excuses. Excuses now will only become a permanent pattern if left unchecked. Therapy now. INSIST on it.

[Wiseman2]

It's not you or porn. It's an emotional and physical disconnect from all the fertility, pregnancy and baby related stress. First talk to your doctor frankly about what is going on. Second carve out some adult alone time, when he's not working 2 shifts a day for 6 days a week..Do you work?

 

You never answered about having friends/family nearby for babysitting. You need to do more than just feel unloved. You need to get out of the stressed parents rut.

 

You've already talk and talked and it just stays in the same rut. It may be his problem in terms of escape and tiredness, but you need to try to get back to being a lover rather than just a mommy.

He works very long hours (between 12 and 15 hours sometimes 6 days a week) and has a fairly physical job which often leaves him tired or in pain. We are older parents in our mid to late 30s and wanted our child very much and knew our lives would change dramatically.

[smackie9]

Men (not all) tend to sweep their thoughts and emotions under the rug because that's what they were taught growing up, like "stop being a wuss about it" or "be a man!" It's quite tragic. Usually one behavior is a symptom of something else. Change like having a baby take away most of the attention, the interruption of sleep, extra duty of changing, bathing, feeding, etc. That can really take away the romance for some. Plus the hardship of miscarriages is so devastating. He probably is having a hard time with the changes, the changes with your body, the new family dynamic, etc. I agree with the therapy...whether it be together or separately. If he won't go, at least a therapist can help you approach him, to get him to open up.

[NowandZen]

I would not even worry about the porn at this point. Having sex twice in one year is not normal, porn or not. Get thee to a marriage counselor. If he won't go, go by yourself. This is not what you want in a marriage, and an objective person can help clarify your decision making.

[DancingFool]

If he really works 12-15 hours per day 6 days a week, how does he have the time and energy to watch that much porn? He should be dropping dead in the evening from exhaustion but isn't....... You can't really blame work, exhaustion, or stress and trauma for his lack of libido because he isn't actually lacking libido.

 

Either he is addicted to porn to such an extent that real life sex is no longer appealing to him or he is getting sex somewhere else and isn't really working the hours you think or both. I think you've been way overly tolerant of his behavior and it's high time to sit down and have some hard conversations about the state of your marriage and the excuses he is making about your sexless marriage. Don't talk about your needs or make it about yourself, but rather ask him bluntly wth is his problem and don't back down or accept another bs reason that leaves you in status quo. Also, get a babysitter or ask a friend to care for your child for a night while you have this conversation. You need some uninterrupted adult time here if you want to resolve anything.

[SherrySher]

Sorry ladies- but I've had too many "happily married men" whose wives JUST had babies suggest having an affair for "fun" to think this is a just a coincidence.

 

Why would these hoards of men go to you for an affair? Why do they think you're this type of woman? I wouldn't be taking it as a compliment, you might be looking at yourself and wonder what kind of vibes or impressions you're giving off if they think you'll fall into bed with them.

[SherrySher]

Either he is addicted to porn to such an extent that real life sex is no longer appealing to him or he is getting sex somewhere else and isn't really working the hours you think or both. I think you've been way overly tolerant of his behavior and it's high time to sit down and have some hard conversations about the state of your marriage and the excuses he is making about your sexless marriage.

 

I do agree with the porn addiction. I mean, it's normal for guys to look at that stuff once in a while, but everyday is going over the top.

 

I think think that some men use masturbating as an outlet for stress and lack of sleep. It can help with both. However, the degree he is doing this, with the aid of videos, is worrying.

 

He must have a day off now and then, right? When he has a day off, it seems like a better time for you and he to try to be intimate.

 

Although it is so hard adjusting to a new baby and if he truly is working to that degree, I too agree that you still need to talk to him and let him know your concerns about the lack of sex between you two and how he is using porn daily.

 

It's just something that can't keep being ignored. I initially thought that your baby was a newborn, but upon re-reading, I see that the little one is now a year old.

That should be enough time to adjust to at least have some kind of sex life.

 

You should talk to him and suggest counselling, either personal or marital. The problems are just hanging on too long.

[turtshlar]

You are not alone in this situation. Good news is that there is hope and marriages can survive this. First it’s vital that you understand what Porn actually is. It is not harmless entertainment. It is now called the “new drug”. It becomes an addiction which that person has to realize before they can get help. Numerous studies have shown that porn can change and rewire the viewers brain. It may even decrease the ability for the viewer to have real sex. Like drugs it can desensitize the brain so that the viewer never seems to get enough and is constantly seeking more and more extreme shocking content that contain themes of aggression and violence which then in turn is being used on their partner. Porn is connected to sex trafficking and violence. Many of the people who are viewed are minors who have been forced into sex trafficking via drugs. It personifies women as objects and is destroying marriages. Children too are viewing this at a very young age, becoming addicted and child on child abuse is on the rise. I strongly recommend you have open communication with your husband about this and seek counseling.

[redswim30]

Why would these hoards of men go to you for an affair? Why do they think you're this type of woman? I wouldn't be taking it as a compliment, you might be looking at yourself and wonder what kind of vibes or impressions you're giving off if they think you'll fall into bed with them.

 

For the record- I do NOT take it as a compliment at ALL. In fact, I HATE it! It happens at work, where I have to work with them and my primary role as Director of Company relations at work is to be friendly, kind and empathetic- and yes, men often mis-perceive this as interest. Some men perceive you SMILING at them once as "interest". Most of the men have been fired after trying it with too many women at work.

 

I frankly find it insulting that your first instinct is to pin men's misbehavior on ME. "what kind of vibes" I'm giving off? Seriously? I am happily married and I shout it to the rooftops! And I shoot these men down EVERY SINGLE TIME. I never said I enjoyed it. I don't. I'm just saying that it HAPPENS. You don't have to be DOING anything flirty for a man to come onto you or to be sexually suggestive with you- that's the same as suggesting that women who are raped must have been "asking for it". A woman doesn't have to be doing ANYTHING WRONG for a man to behave inappropriately towards her. Too many men mistake basic kindness or nothing at ALL for flirting or sexual interest.

 

Besides, this post is NOT about me- I was speaking from my own experience only. If your experience is different, that's fine. But I don't appreciate the judgment.