Obsessed with my sexfriend... Help!

[boltnrun]

I treated myself horribly trying desperately to get a man to love me.

 

It was only after I stayed away from him permanently that I realized he is not a unicorn. And he isn't even worthwhile due to the way he treated me.

 

Only with permanent separation from the situation will you see the full truth.

[SherrySher]

You need to understand though, what you're feeling is not love. To be honest, I'm not even sure why you got together with him.

Was it because you hoped that if you got physical he would start to feel something?

 

Men don't work that way. As least, not most men.

 

They don't fall in love because of sex, they fall in love with who a woman is, her personality, her gestures, her likes, dislikes, etc, etc.

If he felt nothing before you started having sex, he's not going to now.

In his mind, he is just using your body for an orgasm, but he's not seeing you, the person.

 

It doesn't matter how desperately you want him to feel the way you do, it's not going to happen.You are breaking your own heart as you are placing all your hopes and dreams into something that won't ever be real.

 

But YOU are the only one who can get a hold of your senses, start seeing this for what it is, start telling yourself to get a grip and get a hold of this situation.

He's not a god, he's just a guy fooling around with your body but has no feelings involved.

 

It's going to be painful to force yourself to realizations, but you must in order to come back down to earth and fix this yourself.

Unless you want to keep losing control and living in complete misery for something that will never be.

[MoodyNights]

OP, I'm sorry to say this but it is very likely he's approaching YOU for sex because he is aware of your feelings, not because he sees you as the special, amazing person you are.

 

In his mind, he is just using your body for an orgasm, but he's not seeing you, the person.

 

It doesn't matter how desperately you want him to feel the way you do, it's not going to happen.You are breaking your own heart as you are placing all your hopes and dreams into something that won't ever be real.

And this is precisely what breaks my heart. I wish so bad he would see me as someone special, but deep down I know he doesn't care about me despite all my efforts :upset:

 

He is taking advantage of your feelings while probably knowing all the pain it is causing you.

I'm not sure about that. I means he knows I find him physically attractive but he definitely doesn't know about all the pain he is causing me... I never mention it in front of him and pretend everything is alright in order to not freak him out and keep having my fix (aka sex with him). This is utter self-destructive behaviour I know

[MoodyNights]

To be honest, I'm not even sure why you got together with him. Was it because you hoped that if you got physical he would start to feel something?

I had hoped for years (more than a decade to be precise) we would get closer (obviously we are now, at least on a physical level), but the lucid side of me was aware being a "real" couple would never happen. Yet I was overjoyed the day he asked me whether I wanted to have sex with him, and have been overjoyed everytime he asked for it since that day. I guess that's what we call an addiction

 

 

He's not a god

I try desperately to convince myself he isn't... He is such the perfect man for me, both physically and mentally speaking.

 

 

Are you used to be in one sided relationships ? Have you ever been in a relationship where you both were completely in love with each other?

Do you think being loved by a great guy is something out of your reach?

I have already been in one-sided relationships but I've never suffered that bad. The first one-sided relationship I experienced dates back as far as grade school, but at the time no-one took it seriously because of my very young age. I was crazy about this guy who didn't give a sh*t about me and eventually made fun of me the day he discovered I had the hots for him. I will never forget how wretched and humiliated I felt.

 

I have been in quite a lot of relationships, but very rarely experienced complete mutual love. Sometimes the guy would love me and I would be like "meh, I like him but I'm not that mad about him", or on the contrary I would be totally in love and the guy would suddenly dump me like a piece of junk for no reason while I had the firm belief he really loved me. So yes, after all these failures I'm starting to feel like that loving and being loved by a great guy is out my reach

[bluecastle]

Can I ask how old you are?

 

You're not going to be seen as "special" if (a) you don't believe you're special on your own and (b) you agree to un-special circumstances such as these. Hormones aside, it's not rocket science, and I think you're shortchanging both yourself and the idea of what love is in something like this.

 

Lust? Sure, it's that, and there's a place for that. But the impression I'm getting is that you think of love as something that is invariably painful and corrosive to the spirit, so when you feel those feelings (the spiritual corrosion) you get invested, rather than see them for what they are—impediments to love, not the full spectrum of what love is and can be.

 

Where I disagree with some of the sentiments here is that he's using you, or taking advantage of you. Dude has been clear. But until you can be clear—with yourself, with men—you're going to find yourself chasing deep feelings in shallow pools like this.

[DancingFool]

What attracts you to one sided things? A very serious and important question you need to ask yourself. If this goes back to grade school....you really would do well to explore that with a good therapist. Recognizing that what you are doing is self destructive is half the battle, the other half is fixing it and taking active steps to do so. I'd imagine that you actually do really want a healthy relationship, a two sided one.....

 

 

As for him...please don't kid yourself. He knows how you feel. People aren't that oblivious and you aren't that brilliant of an actress when it comes to hiding your feelings. Human beings are intuitive and yes, the unpleasant reality is that he is using you coldly and callously precisely because he knows how you feel, because he senses that you are weak and vulnerable. Predator - prey. That doesn't make him a good person in the least, not deep down where it matters. He is quite cruel and selfish. Even the cold rules he laid out? It's because he knows your feelings and he is making sure he doesn't feel guilty when he ends this eventually. Not about you, it's about him. I know you don't want to believe me and I know that you'll end up learning this the hard way...I really wish you'd take what I'm saying on board though because it would save you a lot of pain now and later......

[Lambert]

 

I have been in quite a lot of relationships, but very rarely experienced complete mutual love. Sometimes the guy would love me and I would be like "meh, I like him but I'm not that mad about him", or on the contrary I would be totally in love and the guy would suddenly dump me like a piece of junk for no reason while I had the firm belief he really loved me. So yes, after all these failures I'm starting to feel like that loving and being loved by a great guy is out my reach [/quote

 

Its not out of your reach. Its not. (hugs)

 

have you thought about why the guys that loved you, you were meh about? but the ones you love are meh about you?

 

I think we all kinda go through that, in general, on the way to finding a balanced relationship, with equal feelings on both sides.

 

but these one sided situations should have ended way b4 love. And maybe that's were you're not really engaging with people enough to properly vet the situation. And when you start seeing its lopsided, get out.

 

I think your attempts to make relationships out of ones that aren't right, have messed your perspective up... you cant see that some relationships will never work and not because of you.

 

Its not about deserve, etc. Raise your standards and you will get better results. A lot of people do the bare minimum. And there are a lot of broken people using sex, substances, temporary happiness as band aids to real problems they never fix... And those are the people to avoid.

 

Sure casual sex and ghosting are rampant in our society. But you have to decide for yourself if you will accept that ir not. It cant be I'll accept this and it will magically change...

 

You have to control yourself and the situations you put yourself in. If a guy isn't hitting the mark, you pull back. You don't give more.

 

I really hope you end things with sex guy and start focusing on yourself. Figure out what really matters to you. Do you know what really matters to you?

[Jibralta]

I know I sound a bit like a masochist person but I would do anything to make this guy happy, and this is killing me

 

Maybe you are a masochist and need to find someone who will satisfy that part of you.

 

I don't think you need to settle for someone who totally dismisses you like this, though.

[Wiseman2]

Many people who do not want or can not have emotional relationships fall back on hookups, fwb and other nsa situations. The only unfortunate thing it that you think you love him when it's just sex and lust you love. Don't beat yourself up. If you both enjoy scratching an itch for now that's fine. However since you're free to do whatever you wish, you may want to get on some dating apps to look for the type of relationship you hope for.

I was overjoyed the day he asked me whether I wanted to have sex with him

[MoodyNights]

Can I ask how old you are?

I'm 39

 

He knows how you feel. People aren't that oblivious and you aren't that brilliant of an actress when it comes to hiding your feelings. Human beings are intuitive and yes, the unpleasant reality is that he is using you coldly and callously precisely because he knows how you feel, because he senses that you are weak and vulnerable.

Well once again even though I get your arguments I don't know what to think. He knows quite a lot about me after all these years, especially the fact that I am quite lonely in life, but I'm not sure he is aware of the intensity of the feelings I have for him. His subconscious might be though? Or perhaps he is very good at pretending he doesn't know about how I feel about him because he never lets anything out that could make me think the opposite.

 

Its not out of your reach. Its not. (hugs)

Thanks

[DancingFool]

For what it's worth, I don't think you are masochistic at all. If you were, you wouldn't be posting here. Masochists genuinely enjoy pain and you don't, if you are honest. However, I do suspect that you have somewhere somehow connected and equated pain with love and that is the part that needs fixing and fine tuning. Reason that I said that you need to talk to a good therapist or psychiatrist about this. It doesn't mean that you are crazy or have mental health issues or ...insert negative whatever here....it simply means that when it comes to love, something got cross wired and needs to be rewired correctly so you can move on and have healthy, happy reciprocal relationships going forward.

[DancingFool]

I'm 39

 

 

Well once again even though I get your arguments I don't know what to think. He knows quite a lot about me after all these years, especially the fact that I am quite lonely in life, but I'm not sure he is aware of the intensity of the feelings I have for him. His subconscious might be though? Or perhaps he is very good at pretending he doesn't know about how I feel about him because he never lets anything out that could make me think the opposite.

 

 

Thanks

 

Most people have a hard time accepting that their idol has clay feet. That's just about as normal as it gets. Of course, that doesn't excuse you from working toward that realization, as painful and uncomfortable as that may be.

[bluecastle]

I don't see this guy as nefarious, and I do think painting him in that light just gives power where power isn't due. I've been in places, in life, where what I wanted was cursory, casual, versions of romance that didn't expand or deepen. Have been clear about that, and have had some nice, tumultuous-free connections with people interested in something similar. Is that preying on the weak? I see it more as finding someone on your level—a level, of course, that's pretty lame and inherently limited. You are each reflecting back to each other weak, or at least primitive, sides of yourselves, not the strong and layered ones.

 

Something I've noticed? There would often be a woman—more than one, most even—who had either zero interest in the little I had to offer, or quickly stepped out of the ring. No drama, just a graceful exit. And I'd think: that is who I want to be with, one day, some day, when I untangle some knots and get serious about taking myself, and my life, seriously. Not that exact woman, but what she represented—a level I wasn't yet living on, but wanted to, in my core.

 

All of which is to say? You don't level up by stepping down, and you don't level up through others. You've got some story in you're head that he's great—and, hey, I'm sure there are great qualities. At my most selfish and imbecilic, I'm a guy with good qualities—sharp mind, quick wit, decent draw from the genetics lottery. But still: you simply don't get more superficial than this, if you subtract the stories in your head from the reality that's fueling them. Assigning it as the deepest of the deep is a recipe for anguish, because it's just lie, and I think a lot of your angst is stemming from that self-deception. You're calling low high, lowering yourself to get high, and feeling only more lower each time the high fades.

 

I agree that this is the sort of goldmine that a therapist can help you excavate, so your actions and choices line up with your authentic wants. Get those things aligned and this, and connections like this, will just be exactly what they are—something much more akin to a cigarette at the end of the day than, I don't know, a healthy meal prepared by a culinary wizard. The feelings you're having—the hurt, the pain, the spins—won't seem any more special than what you feel while being carsick on a windy road: signs of a bad trip, not the beginning of a life-changing one.

[SophiaG]

I'm not sure about that. I means he knows I find him physically attractive but he definitely doesn't know about all the pain he is causing me... I never mention it in front of him and pretend everything is alright in order to not freak him out and keep having my fix (aka sex with him). This is utter self-destructive behaviour I know

 

I'm saying this with the presumption that he is aware about your feelings for him. And I tend to agree with DancingFool that he knows, especially since you said you've known each other for so long and he knows so much about you. Maybe not to the full extent, but he likely chose you as the "sex friend" because he knew you wouldn't be able to reject him. And if he knows you want more than sex with him, he obviously knows that his terms are cruel and would cause you pain.

 

 

I don't see this guy as nefarious, and I do think painting him in that light just gives power where power isn't due. I've been in places, in life, where what I wanted was cursory, casual, versions of romance that didn't expand or deepen. Have been clear about that, and have had some nice, tumultuous-free connections with people interested in something similar. Is that preying on the weak? I see it more as finding someone on your level—a level, of course, that's pretty lame and inherently limited. You are each reflecting back to each other weak, or at least primitive, sides of yourselves, not the strong and layered ones.

 

This is not the same situation as this guy and OP are in. Having casual sex with people who want/need the same is different from approaching someone who holds deep feelings for you and offering them breadcrumbs with the confidence that they can't resist.

[DancingFool]

I'm saying this with the presumption that he is aware about your feelings for him. And I tend to agree with DancingFool that he knows, especially since you said you've known each other for so long and he knows so much about you. Maybe not to the full extent, but he likely chose you as the "sex friend" because he knew you wouldn't be able to reject him. And if he knows you want more than sex with him, he obviously knows that his terms are cruel and would cause you pain.

 

 

 

 

This is not the same situation as this guy and OP are in. Having casual sex with people who want/need the same is different from approaching someone who holds deep feelings for you and offering them breadcrumbs with the confidence that they can't resist.

 

Very well put and exactly what I've been trying to get at. To lay down the cold cruel terms that he did means he is very much aware of the OP's feelings. The cold terms are meant for him to avoid feeling guilty for taking advantage of those feelings. Very very nasty indeed.

 

I'm not against FWB's and are liable to engage in that from time to time. FWB doesn't mean that you treat each other coldly or be cruel. Quite the opposite, it's a friendly, mutually satisfying arrangement. The key is that you treat each other with respect and humanity and yes, friendship as well. You aren't just a piece of meat to be humped and tossed aside. Therein lies the difference.

[Jibralta]

To lay down the cold cruel terms that he did means he is very much aware of the OP's feelings. The cold terms are meant for him to avoid feeling guilty for taking advantage of those feelings.

 

I agree.

 

His actions are not the actions of a kind person.

 

They are very calculated.

[Wiseman2]

Ok many people self medicate. Some use drugs, alcohol, gambling etc. Sex too. The best first stop is going to the doctor for a complete evaluation and help with drinking, smoking, anxiety and whatever else is underlying all this trouble and pain.

 

39 is young, but how healthy are you physically? When did you last have a checkup or blood tests or an ekg? Also a referral to a therapist to sort out these physical and emotional feeling would help. Much of this has nothing to do with him or love. It's unwise to have all these symptoms and claim it's from him.

I spend countless sleepless nights,

I can cry for hours

I can't eat anymore

I drink alcohol or smoke cigarettes to ease my pain and feelings of anxiety

I usually experience physical heartache

I have this weird feeling something is eating my heart away

I have increasing difficulties performing the smallest tasks at home

I literaly feel feverish and dizzy and angry