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Obsessed with my sexfriend... Help!


MoodyNights

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Hello there,

 

I've been seeing this man for a few months now. He's a friend who I always had a thing for but I never had the guts to tell him about my feelings. One day and totally out of the blue he made sexual advances to me and I accepted his terms: no love relationship, only sex, no couple-like activities whatsoever and when one of us finds a new partner, everything will be over (we're both single now).

 

It should be all fun and hot sex but the problem is that I am totally in love/obsessed with this guy. I can't function properly anymore, I'm just waiting for his calls/messages... I spend countless sleepless nights, I can cry for hours thinking of him/my love for him, I can't eat anymore (or just very small amounts of food), sometimes I drink alcohol or smoke cigarettes to ease my pain and feelings of anxiety (I usually experience physical heartache, i.e. I have this weird feeling something is eating my heart away and it can be very oppressive at times), I have increasing difficulties performing the smallest tasks at home, and I'm always anticipating the day he will tell me he met someone that he's in love with and everything is over... I'm literaly freaking out at the thought and sometimes I feel like I'm becoming totally crazy. When I anticipate that day I literaly feel feverish and dizzy and angry at the girl who will have the luck to be loved by this wonderful man :upset:

 

For the time being I don't think I would be able to cope if he happens to reject me, I just want to be with him all the time even if I know he doesn't love me back... I would do anything for this guy and to make him happy, even if I know I'm being totally masochist :eek:

 

Today I was such on edge that I called the Samaritans helpline and had a one-hour chat with a lovely elderly lady who advised me to talk to people and write as much as possible about my feelings and that it would eventually help me or at least ease my pain. She was really sorry for me but she couldn't do much apart from listening (which is already a great thing and eased my distress a bit).

 

I feel totally lost and lonely... Please help :upset:

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Sorry about all this. In your shoes right now? I would try to see that most of your feelings are self-generated, rather than him-generated, and see if perhaps you can find some stability in that, along with a sense of what you need to do for that stability to not be fleeting.

 

What I mean by that? Well, it's not a mystery why you feel this way. You agreed to terms that, from the beginning, did not align with your authentic self. That'll throw anyone off, every time. You're essentially trying to handle a situation you know can't handle.

 

So, what to do? I say you be honest, knowing you'll thank yourself later. That can mean two things. You tell him how you actually feel—nothing dramatic, but simply that you've realized continuing on only works if it's exploring a genuine romance, not a saucy thing in the shadows. Or, well, you just put an end to this, since he's already made his parameters pretty clear.

 

Yeah, there's a chance both of those will lead to a bit of a sting, but you're already stung right now. Everything you've described experiencing right now is basically the textbook of what "unhealthy" looks like, the opposite of how most people—including yourself, I suspect—aspire to spend their days feeling. If I sat on a chair that always caused back pain, I'd get a new chair. If I was in an erotic entanglement that caused this level of mental and emotional turmoil, I'd look to untangle myself, you know?

 

He can't reject you, after all, given the terms laid out. You can, however, choose to find peace by rejecting terms that don't serve your truth.

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You sound like you're in serious need of professional help. What you're experiencing is obsession NOT love. It's a mental illness and you need help asap.

 

Dating this man is not an option, or at least not a healthy one. You've already gone past the point of every having a relationship with him that might be healthy.

You need to stay away from him as much as possible, if not all together for the rest of your life.

 

Don't mistake this...you are having a mental episode, not love. It might have been caused due to the amount of stress going on in your life, but you need help, more than we can give on this board.

 

I'm assuming you're from U.K so I would suggest you ringing 999 and telling them how bad it's gotten. When sleeping and eating has gotten this badly messed up, then it's a huge sign that you need professional help.

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As a recovered drug addict I can absolutely identify with this feeling. Nowadays I tend to be more like bluecastle’s uncomfortable chair analogy, but there was a time that I always opted for the vicious cycle of chasing the high. The insanity and sweats and scheming and fear of the lows was simply the price to be paid for the euphoric highs.

 

You know what? I say ride it until the wheels fall off! Go until you don’t want to anymore, or until he leaves. Either you’re gonna get cut off at some point or the pain of keeping on the way you’re going will eventually come to outweigh the pain of doing something different. If you don’t want to do anything about it now, well don’t worry about it - the situation will bring change your way soon enough. Now if there are kids or a job or something that is being neglected as a result of your obsession...that might be something to consider and would make me change my tune. Are other areas of your life seeming to fall to pieces as your “relationship” goes on?

 

When you decide you want a new experience this is a cool place to vent and to get different perspectives. Regulars here want very much to help and are always happy to share their time, minds and hearts with you.

 

Best wishes!

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OP, have you had other experiences like this in past?

 

Your symptoms are very concerning and I fear what will happen when the day comes that he stops calling. I would also encourage you to continue to seek out third-party guidance, and perhaps consider some counseling. It appears as though you could use a good set of coping mechanisms and strategies to deal with your pain.

 

I would also strongly advise you to stop seeing this man, as it's doing more harm than good. Easier said than done when you're in the thick of it, I realize, but it's not in your best interest to continue this when you know it won't end the way you hope.

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an obsession, train wreck, feel like a journey to no destination, with all highs of passion pleasure and obsession served to your needs. This sex buddy without emotions overtime usually develops into real feelings mostly one sided. Best part is you can decide what to do anytime.

All it takes is say NO, cut contact move to a healthy space in your life, wait for the right partner who will treat you with the respect and love you desire. Eventually you will find the strength its upto you to decide when you are ready.

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You are worried about him rejecting you , yet he already has?

His sexual advances were purely selfish , knowing you would go there.

He already rejected you in terms of a relationship etc

 

This isn’t even a fwb scenario.

It’s a booty call scenario only.

 

Why would you want anything more from him?

And why would you expect anything more from him when you are giving all he wants from you?

 

You need to stop being available to him.

And given that you are obsessed with him , you need to tell him this so he can walk away since it sounds like you won’t?

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Sorry to hear this. FWB situations usually end badly for the reason you stated. On hopes it will turn into more. You need to end it so you can find what you are looking for.

I accepted his terms: no love relationship, only sex, no couple-like activities whatsoever and when one of us finds a new partner, everything will be over . the problem is that I am totally in love/obsessed with this guy.
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Have you even considered or tried to meet someone else? Someone that is wanting a relationship?

 

I agree with a lot of what others are saying. Its an obsession that you are feeding with your desire to make a situation that doesn't align with you, into one that does.

 

You're consumed with fear and angst. There is no good way for this to end. Other than to take control of the situation and dump this guy.

 

I'm not sure if you are willing to do this... you may just decide to ride this out and be hurt later. the thing that doesn't really jive with that strategy is, you are hurting now.

 

If you want to save yourself, I'd end it now.

 

Send him a text that says "our arrangement doesn't work for me anymore. I'm ending it today."

 

or something in your own words that does not explain or apologize. Show some strength, be on your side in this. You gotta boost your own self esteem. Its hard and you have to put on a false front.

 

Take some time to pull the covers over your head, eat some junk food and binge tv... no time like a pandemic to mope on your own.....

 

Then when you are thoroughly moped out, start again... love yourself and don't put yourself into this kind of arrangement again.

 

This guy is only what you've made him in your mind... he ain't all that. know that.

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Sounds like you are stuck in an ongoing break up mode.

 

For you, sex leads to hormones that make you attach to that part hard. However, you know the deal and you know rationally that you have nothing with this guy. So after sex, you are going through a version of a break up. He might call you again, he might not. He might meet someone else, he might not. You are sitting on edge waiting and high as a kite with fear and anticipation. Yes, the physical palpitations make sense and are real, BUT what you are feeling has nothing to do with love at all. This is your body's fight or flight response to severe stress you are causing to yourself. Nothing to do with this guy or love or romance whatsoever.

 

The cure of course - end this arrangement today. Do not wait on him, but do it yourself. No more. Done. Take your power back and end the fear and anticipation. You'll find that while you might still go through some grief and pain of this last and real ending/breakup situation, you will stop living in this madness and start feeling normal again much faster than you think. What's killing you and fueling this whole thing is the fear of the impending doom, aka him never calling you again. You remove the fear by deciding that this isn't working for you and tell him the deal is off. Most importantly, please please understand that these intense feelings and emotions aren't love, it's fear and the rush of adrenaline driven by fear.

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As a recovered drug addict I can absolutely identify with this feeling. Nowadays I tend to be more like bluecastle’s uncomfortable chair analogy, but there was a time that I always opted for the vicious cycle of chasing the high. The insanity and sweats and scheming and fear of the lows was simply the price to be paid for the euphoric highs.

 

You are perfectly right, it definitely looks like a drug addiction, with its highs (when we see each other for sexual encounters) and its lows (the days I spend alone, feeling like I'm turning insane, scheming and fearing and overthinking and in physical pain)

 

So after sex, you are going through a version of a break up. He might call you again, he might not. He might meet someone else, he might not. You are sitting on edge waiting and high as a kite with fear and anticipation.

 

I had never envisioned it as a version of a break-up before but yes that totally makes sense as I am reading you.

 

What's killing you and fueling this whole thing is the fear of the impending doom, aka him never calling you again.

 

Once again you're totally right, I'm in constant fear this affair/arrangement could end anytime and I'm endlessly envisioning this day when he will tell me something along the lines of "Sorry I've met someone (or I've gotten bored, or whatever reason), so I guess everything is over, thanks for the good times together and godspeed"

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You can get help (online for now) from Sex Addicts Anonymous: https://saa-recovery.org/am-i-a-sex-addict/self-assessment/

it definitely looks like a drug addiction, with its highs (when we see each other for sexual encounters) and its lows (the days I spend alone, feeling like I'm turning insane, scheming and fearing and overthinking and in physical pain)
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If I sat on a chair that always caused back pain, I'd get a new chair. If I was in an erotic entanglement that caused this level of mental and emotional turmoil, I'd look to untangle myself, you know?

 

I love your metaphor. The chair I'm sat on is very beautiful but it sure hurts my back like hell :upset:

 

You agreed to terms that, from the beginning, did not align with your authentic self.

 

This is absolutely true. In my head I was like "well I'd rather be in a romantic relationship with him but only sex is better than nothing I guess"... I really thought it would have been enough to make me happy, but then things took a nasty turn with all this pain and anguish and obsession :icon_sad: In the beginning I felt like the luckiest woman in the world because he asked me for sex but now I'm beginning to wonder if it would not have been better for my mental health to never having had sex with him.

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OP, have you had other experiences like this in past?

 

I've already had this kind of experience but it was not as bad as this one. It hurt like hell and took me a very long time to recover but it was because of being dumped by a boyfriend, not because of anticipating being dumped by a FWB.

 

Have you even considered or tried to meet someone else?

 

I have and still do, but for the present nobody else attracts me the way he does :upset: I love everything about this man, from his looks to his personality, tastes and so on. I try to be reasonable and telling myself he is only a human being with his qualities and faults, but for the present I'm putting him on a pedestal and that does more harm than good to me, for I always let him the upper hand on the relationship we're having.

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I've already had this kind of experience but it was not as bad as this one. It hurt like hell and took me a very long time to recover but it was because of being dumped by a boyfriend, not because of anticipating being dumped by a FWB.

 

 

 

I have and still do, but for the present nobody else attracts me the way he does :upset: I love everything about this man, from his looks to his personality, tastes and so on. I try to be reasonable and telling myself he is only a human being with his qualities and faults, but for the present I'm putting him on a pedestal and that does more harm than good to me, for I always let him the upper hand on the relationship we're having.

 

But that's the thing - you don't have any kind of a relationship with him. Not even an fwb because the friendship part is missing. The terms he gave and you accepted? You are getting less out of this and being treated worse than a sex worker. You might as well ask him to pay up next time he wants to use you. How can you see this as being lucky? He deigned to fck you in the worst most dehumanizing way possible? Open your eyes - if he was even half way decent, he wouldn't treat you like that. I know players who'd treat you better than this.

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In my head I was like "well I'd rather be in a romantic relationship with him but only sex is better than nothing I guess"

 

What does a romantic relationship look like to you, if you remove the sex part?

 

Serious question. I'm interested to know what your answer is.

 

I love everything about this man, from his looks to his personality, tastes and so on.

 

Do you love the way he makes you disposable?

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What does a romantic relationship look like to you, if you remove the sex part?

 

Interesting question, thanks for asking :) I must confess that sex plays a very important part in the romantic relationships I can develop. But in the same time I'm perfectly aware that well-functioning couples just can't have sex everytime they are together. There is so much more, and according to me, in an ideal relationship sex should come supporting the rest, not supplanting it.

 

I see a romantic relationship as a partnership/team : we share common stuff such as tastes and viewpoints, but in the same time we both have our personal spaces. We give each other genuine attention and affection. We are here to enjoy nice moments in places whether public or private, but also to support each other during the bad times. We are happy when we see each other but also happy when we don't, because our happiness doesn't totally rely on the partner's presence by our side. We trust and respect each other. A well-working romantic relationship should boost the ego of both parts and make you want to outdo yourself everyday.

 

Do you love the way he makes you disposable?

 

I can't say I particularly love this feeling. Deep down no-one likes to be treated like a wet rag, yet I love the fact that I'm being noticed/wanted by him, even if it is just for casual sex. As I wrote in my very first message, I know I sound a bit like a masochist person but I would do anything to make this guy happy, and this is killing me :icon_sad:

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Interesting question, thanks for asking :) I must confess that sex plays a very important part in the romantic relationships I can develop. But in the same time I'm perfectly aware that well-functioning couples just can't have sex everytime they are together. There is so much more, and according to me, in an ideal relationship sex should come supporting the rest, not supplanting it.

 

I see a romantic relationship as a partnership/team : we share common stuff such as tastes and viewpoints, but in the same time we both have our personal spaces. We give each other genuine attention and affection. We are here to enjoy nice moments in places whether public or private, but also to support each other during the bad times. We are happy when we see each other but also happy when we don't, because our happiness doesn't totally rely on the partner's presence by our side. We trust and respect each other. A well-working romantic relationship should boost the ego of both parts and make you want to outdo yourself everyday.

 

So, this is all lovely, and specific. It also, as you don't need me to tell you, is an entirely different solar system than the one in which you're currently spending your mental, emotional, and romantic capital. Why do you think that is? Genuine question.

 

I did bold that last sentence for a reason, perhaps related. Between the ego and being "undone," is something pretty special: your core personhood, your authentic self. Might be worth exploring, since if you're seeking something that tears you up and then puts you together—well, then I can see the appeal in what you have right now, along with some orgasms, since it keeps the authentic self muted, in the shadows. But I think if you fine tune that idea a bit, you might realize that you're seeking something far, far richer than what this man can provide.

 

Last question: Why the obsession with making this man—or any man—"happy"? Do you think that is the key to personal happiness?

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Why the obsession with making this man—or any man—"happy"? Do you think that is the key to personal happiness?

 

I want to make this man happy for two reasons:

1) because I love him

2) even though I know he doesn't love me back in a romantic way and most likely never will (like somebody else said in another post, FWB rarely turn into BF), he will at least like me a little bit, enough to be willing to spend a little time with me... And I must confess I relish the fact that he is willing to share some parts of his life with me, even if it is for sheer sex.

 

I realise I'm literaly spending my time picking up any crumbs he has the kindness to throw at me... This is pure emotional dependence I guess :icon_sad:

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OP, I'm sorry to say this but it is very likely he's approaching YOU for sex because he is aware of your feelings, not because he sees you as the special, amazing person you are. It is convenient for him as rarely any other woman would be interested in his terms. He is taking advantage of your feelings while probably knowing all the pain it is causing you. Think about that.

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It might be worth asking—hard questions, I know—why you're willing to use the biggest of words (love) to describe a one-sided attachment like this. It's kind of masturbatory, if you think about it, since you're expressing a feeling that isn't being generated together—as that formation of a "team"—but more in the space of your own mind. In fact, he has straight-up prefaced this all by laying out the lack of feelings on his end, so what you're saying, essentially, is that one of the major ingredients for you to experience love for another human is their inability and distress in experiencing that with you.

 

Just speaking for myself, but I think of it as a thing that two people build, at least at its most potent and authentic, rather than a thing one person feels in a vacuum. I can love a hamburger in a vacuum, I guess I'm saying, but with another person? We each put into the pot to make that brew. If that's the not case, it's a different shade: lust, obsession, or some such.

 

Sophia makes a good point. I don't think this dude is a monster, since he's been totally transparent, but I do think it's worth asking why a dude who is this limited in what he has to offer you is so appealing.

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I'm sorry you're going through all this turmoil.

 

Change the sentence :" I would do anything to make him happy" to "I would do anything to make him love me"...

Because that's what all this is really about. You are desperate to be loved by him so you are willing to take the crumbs , and accept any condition he impose on you... deep inside you really hope that maybe if you don't complain, make things easy for him he will start , dare you hope, loving you...

That hope is killing you as much as the knowledge that he doesn't love you.

 

The day you stop hoping and accept the reality for what it is, you will find this "chair " insufferable and stop using it.

Until then, can you answer these questions:

Are you used to be in one sided relationships ? Have you ever been in a relationship where you both were completely in love with each other?

Do you think being loved by a great guy is something out of your reach?

 

You see, it all comes down to low self esteem and the lack of belief that you can find love.

You need to work on these if you want to start getting better.

 

In the meantime, while you're still in this, you can stop silencing your truth. That's the root of your pain. Start saying what you really feel :" I want more than this" I'm in love with you" our arrangement is hurting me"...

It won't make him love you or want to be your bf but it will make you a stronger person and you will accept less and less pain...

you will beleive in yourself more and have hope that you can put yourself in a healthier place where you can find love.

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