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Brother and mothers relationship


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My brother calls me every time he has an argument with my mother. Even over stupid things. Hes not always pissed off, "just to inform", doesnt listen to any advice and immediately brushes off my suggestions to talk to her, to accept that not every situation is within our control or to make an attempt at dealing with it etc. He considers himself fully in the right. I can guarantee you his behavior can often be hostile, difficult and cold. Sometimes he wants me to talk to her, sometimes not, sometimes to talk to her without her knowing he called me. Sometimes I hear her side too because she will do the same. They are very similar actually. Both easily annoyed at comments, quick to judge, quick to anger, not very accepting of differing opinions, provocative and sometimes lacking respect for other people. I am getting annoyed and frustrated at being caught in the middle and honestly.. .I want the both of them to grow a pair of balls and not get me involved in their . Hes 35. Shes 65. I'm 30.

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Voicemail is your friend. "I'm on my way out", "I have something on the stove", etc. and terminate the conversation,. Why continue to feed the drama? Simply let them know they need to discuss it with each other. Do not jump in with advice, suggestions and philosophy. Stop being the family peacemaker. Do either of you live with her?

doesnt listen to any advice and immediately brushes off my suggestions to talk to her
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Consider that when your brother is calling you, he isn't looking for your advice or solutions, he is calling to vent and cry on your shoulder more often than not. So yes, your advice is falling on deaf ears because it's not what is wanted from you. That said, if you want to lend an ear, then learn how to step back and just be sympathetic without getting involved and offering advice and solutions.

 

If you don't want to listen to him whine, then "gosh, listen, gotta go" and hang up - you are suddenly busy, boss is calling, you need to watch the paint dry, etc. You get the idea - any excuse to hang up and go about your day. People can only drag you into their issues only to the extent that you choose to allow. You are always in control of that.

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Boundaries! When either of them launch into a speech you dont want to hear, say sorry, I have to go now, and then hang up. Do this every single time they get into a rant. It will take a while but eventually they will figure it out and give up. You can stop this, you just have to be determined to do so. Nobody can take advantage of you without your permission.

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Tell both of them that you're sick 'n tired of hearing their stories from both of your ears on each side. Tell them you'll no longer get caught in the middle of it. They need to fight their own battles and leave you out of it.

 

I'm just as guilty with dumping my problems onto a few close people in my life and they've told me they don't want to hear me whine nor complain anymore so I've since ceased my old habits.

 

However, having said that, everyone needs to vent somehow and we all want great listeners; not necessarily "help" nor advice per se but just another pair of ears so we don't have to bottle up all of our troubles in our brains. It's human nature. Unfortunately, all this venting becomes burdensome and tiresome for the listener because it sounds like nagging. I get that. I must say that I no longer dump on my BFF anymore unless she asks about the latest news ,if the conversation transitions into my gripes or whatever weighs heavy on my mind. My husband doesn't mind though! Thank goodness. :D

 

I agree with others regarding voicemails as your friend. Make yourself less available. Don't run away from your brother and mother though. You do need to put your foot down and speak up! Tell them, "Enough already!" Tell them that whatever arguments they have are between them since they both live under the same roof. Let them know you have compassion for their discord but they need to respect your wishes and honor your request. If they're relentless, repeat your same answer and tell them each time ad nauseum, "I'm sorry, no comment." After a while, you'll sound like a broken record and they'll eventually grow tired of hearing your same answer: "I'm sorry, no comment." Then politely and diplomatically end the call and leave it at that. Eventually, they'll take the hint and leave you alone.

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Don't be their messenger. They can talk to each other all they like. If your brother starts to talk about your mother, calmly tell him that he can talk to her and if he insists, politely end the conversation. Do the same for your mother. And as others have stated don't give advice.

 

Personally, if a family member retells you the same issue, change the conversation to something else entirely. Ideally neutral topics. Generally works, but on the occasion that this fails politely tell them that you've already spoken about this and exit the conversation. This usually works for me.

 

I like catfeeder's rule. :-)

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