Feeling Trapped

[Animus]

Hi All,

 

I have never done anything like this before but I have never felt so alone and trapped in my current situation and could really do with some help.

 

I'm a 29 year old guy who has been in a relationship of 12 years with a girl, soon to get married. My girlfriend has had her difficulties over the years with Mental Health and Health issues. This has caused a lot of strain on our relationship and I often find I am more of a carer than an partner and we got in a routine which I have really started to dislike and find I don't really have any love and just feel empty and numb all of the time. She has always said before, that if we ever broke up, she would kill herself and quite frankly I think she would (she has been close to it before) so just feel like this isn't an easy option.

 

Also I've always had an attraction to guys (never have told anyone) but always found it to be just an sexual attraction rather than anything else. I haven't had any friends for a while now so recently I went on a friend app to try and make some. I started chatting to this guy (who is openly gay) and we really hit it off. We spoke everyday, all day and ended up meeting up for Dinner after a couple of weeks. I explained to him how I don't have any friends and I struggle coz I'm quite shy and reserved. He is the complete opposite and said he would help me. He was the first person who really took an interest in me, listened and understood me and I really opened up to him about how I was feeling (empty, numb, no purpose etc). He believes that I am gay from what I told him and initial thoughts and he told me that he fancies me but would never do anything to get between my relationship. When we left, he gave me the best hug saying he would always be there for me.

 

Since meeting this guy, I feel like I have fallen for him quite hard. I can't stop thinking about him from the minute I wake up to when I go asleep (I often dream about him too). However over the last week or so he has been really distance, barely talking to me and our conversation tone has really changed.

I asked if things were okay between us and he said that he go through phases where he doesn't text people but I feel like that might be more directed towards me. Even down to playing the Xbox online together, he said that his WiFi isn't great so he can't but I can see he is online playing with other people.

 

We do still talk occassionally but its not like how it was before we met. It is often me who is trying to keep the conversation going and sometimes I won't even get a reply.

 

I really don't want to be in this relationship anymore but I feel trapped as I couldnt live with myself knowing that I may have drove someone to suicide and I don't want to hurt her either. Equally I am feeling so broken that this guy has distanced himself from me and I feel like I'm losing him, my only friend. Baring in my mind I haven't had any friends probably for the best part of 10 years (due to girlfriend mental health she couldn't trust anyone).

 

In all honesty I'm in a very dark place at the moment, I am lost with my thoughts and can't make sense of them and quite frankly I just don't want to be me anymore.

 

I'm sorry this is quite long winded, in all honesty this isn't even half of it but I will stop there.

 

Anyone been in a similar situation or have any advice at all :(

 

Thanks for listening/reading.

[Wiseman2]

Is this an arranged marriage or a sham to cover things up? Do not get married. She needs a doctor not a bf and you need to explore your sexuality on your own.

[ironi]

Are you living with this girl? I think the sooner the better now. Shy would you want to get married to make yourself even more trapped in the relationship. You need to put yourself first and start living life for you. Its selfish but you can't waste any more time living like this. Also imagine how more it would push her over the edge if she found out about all of this and you married her? You need to make an exit plan and leave. She will find help people always do.

[Animus]

We are living together, have been for about 10-11 years now. I tell myself that everyday but I just can't seem to find the strength to leave. I just feel she has become to dependant on me :(

[MissCanuck]

Your relationship is already over. You both know it.

 

You can't live like this, and neither can she. It's time to end it, and if you fear for her safety, let a family member of hers know that you are concerned. They can take it from there. Alternatively, you can contact emergency services in your area if she does actually make a threat to hurt herself.

 

There really isn't much other choice her, since it's clear you don't want to be with her and aren't living you own truth, either. You're already exploring other potential love interests. This specific guy might not amount to anything but it seems to be the catalyst to do what you should have done long ago, and part ways with your girlfriend.

[DancingFool]

Then seek some counseling for yourself. You aren't really trapped but in your own mind. Plus you are being emotionally blackmailed by her. Anyone threatening you with suicide if you dare leave the relationship is quite literally emotionally blackmailing you. Get professional help and guidance on how to deal with this and how to exit this situation for your own sanity. Your inability to exit what you should have left years ago is its own separate problem that needs exploring and addressing.

[Wiseman2]

Stop blaming your gf for all this. You could have left at any time and you know this. She has friends, family, doctors and therapists who could help her a lot more than a guy who cheats with other men. Stop using her as a cover up for your sexuality or taking advantage of her mental illness and gaslighting her that you are straight no less faithful.

I've always had an attraction to guys

I started chatting to this guy (who is openly gay) and we really hit it off.

We spoke everyday, all day and ended up meeting up for Dinner after a couple of weeks.

I feel like I have fallen for him quite hard.

I can't stop thinking about him from the minute I wake up to when I go asleep

[Tinydance]

Listen, gay or not, you can't just force yourself to be in a relationship just because you're scared she would kill herself. It's not fair of her to threaten that she would kill herself if you left. That is manipulative. You can't hold yourself responsible for that and even if she killed herself, that would be NOT your fault. My ex-fiance has really bad mental health issues and he's often suicidal but I still ended the relationship because it wasn't going well and I was unhappy. And yeah he ended up in the psych ward eventually but I don't hold myself responsible for that. We can't take someone else's issues upon our shoulders and deny ourselves happiness. So I think regardless of anything else, you need to end this relationship.

 

In terms of the guy, I mean yeah you could be gay or bisexual but I think you need to figure that out in your own time. Don't let this guy tell you your sexuality and tell you that you're gay. I mean yeah he is gay and he has feelings for you so obviously he wants you to be gay. If you want to be with him then by all means give it a chance. But take your time figuring out who you are and your sexuality. I'm bisexual/pansexual and I'm attracted to everyone. When I was younger I did at times think I was gay but then came to my own conclusions. And sexuality can be fluid and sometimes you can like different gender

people at different times. I think there us no rush to label yourself and some sexualities are not exactly 100% this or that. If that makes sense.

[shellyf62]

You need to leave your gf & find yourself.

If she threatens suicide ring an ambulance & police, they will get her the help she needs.

 

You also used they guy you met as a Councillor, opening up to him about everything. No wonder he has backed off.

 

Leave, get some therapy, sort your life out & be happy!

[catfeeder]

Really? If you've been together for 12 years, would you want to pick a global pandemic as the time to go off and explore your sexuality?

 

C'mon. We are ALL trapped.