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Desperate for advice PLEASE READ


Maxy

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Ok, I’m going to be as upfront and genuine as I can about this. Before I explain my situation I ask anyone who responds to do one thing before you respond just take a moment to think...

*what if was me in this situation*

 

I have been with my girlfriend now for just over 2 years. We are both in our late 20s.

 

A month ago she booked a holiday away with 5 other girls to Iya Napa for June 2021

I’m going to sum this up to exactly what it’s going to be. Getting hammered, partying, girls on tour etc etc. (The girls who she is going with are shall we say, wreckless)

 

I’m sure by now you can see we’re I’m going with this and what’s to follow.

I feel very uncomfortable with it. To the point we’re it’s always on my mind.

There’s no point in me sugar coating this, I’m a realistic type of person. When I was single I went to the exact same place she is going and it’s awful. “Sleeze balls” “Lads being lads” “creeps” “dodgy people”

My girlfriend has a terrible tendency to get in some states when we go out. (Which is ok when I’m with her as I can look after her) but she doesn’t remember much the next day.

 

She told me about it before she booked it and I made it clear and was honest with her by saying, “I’m not going to stop you, it’s your life, but I feel extremely uncomfortable with it”

She went ahead and booked it with what can only be described as “like it or lump it”

 

I’m going to be sat at home going out of my mind with worry, and best case scenario for me personally will be.

She goes, comes back safe, and says Iv had a good time. But I KNOW what I’m like and forever more will always wonder... what really happened.

Even if “nothing happens” it makes my stomach churn knowing the environment she will be in and what’s there in front of her”

 

I don’t know what to do or how to feel, it’s getting to a point we’re I’m considering is this right for me, should I get out now? It’s really effecting me.

 

Thanks for reading

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So, what you're saying here is that you are presently freaking out about what might happen on a vacation that your girlfriend is going to take in fifteen months?

 

Honestly, I would take a moment to reflect on that, far more than the trip, and ask yourself if maybe, just maybe you are looking for something to freak out about because...well, you know that answer more than me. Are you by nature prone to high levels of anxiety and paranoia? Are you unhappy in the relationship, as is? Are you looking for a reason to end it? Just shooting in the dark a bit, until you offer some more context.

 

At the end of the day, your concerns boil down to one thing: you have very little respect for your girlfriend. That right there is a major problem. You seem to think she is incapable of handling herself in saucy environments, and it might be worth asking why you're okay with "looking after her" as she drifts into "states" you don't consider okay. Just doesn't seem like the ingredients for a harmonious romantic stew, at least from where I'm sitting.

 

You asked that we put ourselves in your shoes, but I honestly can't. My girlfriend travels, for work, for pleasure, alone and with friends. I love that about her. If my gut told me that two Jell-O shots would turn her into a thirst trap—well, she just wouldn't be my girlfriend because I don't have the mental bandwidth to care about all that. Not how I want to spend my emotional capital inside a relationship, and if I was already cashing those chips a year out? Well, that's what I would pinpoint as a very real concern.

 

So, I ask: What's really going on here? Are you looking for a reason to get out? If so, do know you can always end a relationship that's not working for you, without having to preemptively manufacture drama, especially by making unsavory projections about someone you proclaim to care about.

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You can't be her parents or police her. Either you trust her or you don't.

 

As above, she’s her own person and I’d never stop her. But, I am entitled to my feelings, I can’t help it.

I do trust her, but when she’s smashed it’s a worry

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So, what you're saying here is that you are presently freaking out about what might happen on a vacation that your girlfriend is going to take in fifteen months?

 

Honestly, I would take a moment to reflect on that, far more than the trip, and ask yourself if maybe, just maybe you are looking for something to freak out about because...well, you know that answer more than me. Are you by nature prone to high levels of anxiety and paranoia? Are you unhappy in the relationship, as is? Are you looking for a reason to end it? Just shooting in the dark a bit, until you offer some more context.

 

At the end of the day, your concerns boil down to one thing: you have very little respect for your girlfriend. That right there is a major problem. You seem to think she is incapable of handling herself in saucy environments, and it might be worth asking why you're okay with "looking after her" as she drifts into "states" you don't consider okay. Just doesn't seem like the ingredients for a harmonious romantic stew, at least from where I'm sitting.

 

You asked that we put ourselves in your shoes, but I honestly can't. My girlfriend travels, for work, for pleasure, alone and with friends. I love that about her. If my gut told me that two Jell-O shots would turn her into a thirst trap—well, she just wouldn't be my girlfriend because I don't have the mental bandwidth to care about all that. Not how I want to spend my emotional capital inside a relationship, and if I was already cashing those chips a year out? Well, that's what I would pinpoint as a very real concern.

 

So, I ask: What's really going on here? Are you looking for a reason to get out? If so, do know you can always end a relationship that's not working for you, without having to preemptively manufacture drama, especially by making unsavory projections about someone you proclaim to care about.

 

Thanks for the input,

 

No I’m definitely not looking for a way out of this relationship. I care very much for her and I really want it to work.

 

Yes in the distant past I am a little prone to anxiety.

 

The way I see it isn’t me looking for something that may happen, I just feel I’m not a nieve person. (Aside from seeing the place for myself) it’s ruthless.

 

I get people will say “look dude just trust her” “let her be free” and nothing probably will happen

It’s almost the not knowing that’s eating me up.

Yes it’s a long way off. But if it was in a month or so I’d be feeling the same.

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She's going about a year and two months from now?

 

That's a long time to be upset about something.

 

Yeah, if you don't trust her to be faithful then go ahead and get out now.

 

It’s an awful long time yes. I would be the same if it was 2 weeks away.

I do trust her. It’s more just the fact that it will play on my mind. I know not everyone feels the same and will agree but it’s just something I have to deal with.

 

Say for example someone with OCD about turning switches off. That’s alien to me, and I’m like “why would you do that”

 

That’s how people would see this and I respect that

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I do trust her.

 

What you are displaying, in this thread, is almost the polar opposite of trust. I don't say that with disrespect, but just so we can continue discussing this in reality, not fantasy.

 

If you trusted her, you wouldn't be here, you see? So the problem, or one of them, is that you do not trust your girlfriend. You seem to believe—and correct me if I'm wrong—that she can't behave in a way you respect, and in a way that would respect you and your relationship, when she drinks.

 

To which I say: that is a very real problem, right there, whether this trip existed or not. The trip is just bringing it to the surface. Have you discussed with her your concerns about her behavior more generally?

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I do trust her, but when she’s smashed it’s a worry

 

OP, do you genuinely believe that your girlfriend has a drinking problem, and that is what the real issue is here? If it's true that whenever your girlfriend goes out she drinks to the point of blacking out, then it's highly probable that she has a problem. In which case, it is up to your girlfriend to seek help for her problem. You can certainly talk to her about it and express your concerns to her with her drinking habits. But it is up to her to get the help that she needs, and if she refuses, well.......you need to decide if you're willing to be in a relationship with someone who has a drinking problem.

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What you are displaying, in this thread, is almost the polar opposite of trust. I don't say that with disrespect, but just so we can continue discussing this in reality, not fantasy.

 

If you trusted her, you wouldn't be here, you see? So the problem, or one of them, is that you do not trust your girlfriend. You seem to believe—and correct me if I'm wrong—that she can't behave in a way you respect, and in a way that would respect you and your relationship, when she drinks.

 

To which I say: that is a very real problem, right there, whether this tripped existed or not. The trip is just bringing it to the surface. Have you discussed with her your concerns about her behavior more generally?

 

Ok will try and be as honest as I can.

 

Do I trust her.

Yes

She hasn’t give me any reason not too.

When she gets drunk, she doesn’t do anything particularly wrong, she just a very, “friendly” Person.

 

Say for example I went away with the lads, and their was a group of girls hanging around. I’d keep my distance, of course be polite with them but keep the distance.

 

She would be, taking pictures with them, downing shots, adding them on Facebook and being the centre of attention.

Then once pissed a “moment of madness, a mistake, something could happen”

 

Perhaps I’m insecure? I don’t feel it tho.. I’m not insecure about myself.

 

I know this is beside the point but she’s a very attractive girl.

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OP, do you genuinely believe that your girlfriend has a drinking problem, and that is what the real issue is here? If it's true that whenever your girlfriend goes out she drinks to the point of blacking out, then it's highly probable that she has a problem. In which case, it is up to your girlfriend to seek help for her problem. You can certainly talk to her about it and express your concerns to her with her drinking habits. But it is up to her to get the help that she needs, and if she refuses, well.......you need to decide if you're willing to be in a relationship with someone who has a drinking problem.

 

It would be unfair of me to say she has a drinking problem.

She probably drinks 3 times a month. She doesn’t always get completely abliterated but when on holiday with the girls she will, (Iv heard them talking about it)

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Do I trust her.

Yes

 

Then once pissed a “moment of madness, a mistake, something could happen”

 

Those 2 statements are a contradiction of each other. As someone said earlier, if you trusted her, you wouldn't have created this thread.

 

I'm not saying the above to be harsh or critical. But I think you do need to be honest with yourself and accept that you don't trust her (at least in the environment she's going into) and then work from there.

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Well, what you're describing—to peel away a few layers of decorum—is that your relationship is at least in part built on a little bargain: you get the benefits of dating someone you find very attractive in exchange for occasionally having to stomach the idea that she, at least when tipsy, is an attention magnet for dudes who are not you and, if more than tipsy, might do something that would really hurt you.

 

Might be a good moment to ask yourself if that bargain is still delivering. There is a difference between people who are very fun to date and people who are very fun to be in partnerships with. Trust is maybe the key ingredient for longterm fun, as you seem to be discovering right now.

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Ok, I’m going to be as upfront and genuine as I can about this. Before I explain my situation I ask anyone who responds to do one thing before you respond just take a moment to think...

*what if was me in this situation*

 

I have been with my girlfriend now for just over 2 years. We are both in our late 20s.

 

A month ago she booked a holiday away with 5 other girls to Iya Napa for June 2021

I’m going to sum this up to exactly what it’s going to be. Getting hammered, partying, girls on tour etc etc. (The girls who she is going with are shall we say, wreckless)

 

I’m sure by now you can see we’re I’m going with this and what’s to follow.

I feel very uncomfortable with it. To the point we’re it’s always on my mind.

There’s no point in me sugar coating this, I’m a realistic type of person. When I was single I went to the exact same place she is going and it’s awful. “Sleeze balls” “Lads being lads” “creeps” “dodgy people”

My girlfriend has a terrible tendency to get in some states when we go out. (Which is ok when I’m with her as I can look after her) but she doesn’t remember much the next day.

 

She told me about it before she booked it and I made it clear and was honest with her by saying, “I’m not going to stop you, it’s your life, but I feel extremely uncomfortable with it”

She went ahead and booked it with what can only be described as “like it or lump it”

 

I’m going to be sat at home going out of my mind with worry, and best case scenario for me personally will be.

She goes, comes back safe, and says Iv had a good time. But I KNOW what I’m like and forever more will always wonder... what really happened.

Even if “nothing happens” it makes my stomach churn knowing the environment she will be in and what’s there in front of her”

 

I don’t know what to do or how to feel, it’s getting to a point we’re I’m considering is this right for me, should I get out now? It’s really effecting me.

 

Thanks for reading

 

I understand you mate. Ugh Aiya napa is rank-it's somewhere i wouldn't touch with a 1000 meter barge pole and then some! Lads at work went there and basically everyone just erm does everyone..girls and lads..and lads and girls and girls and lads!!!! Sorry, that sounds mean, but just makes my skin crawl those type of places. Brits abroad and all that. As far as your gf , i personally think you can't control her (remember,you went to these sleazy places yourself once)!, she is an adult and aloud to do what she wants. But you think you're compatible with someone like that? I really get where you're coming from, i would be totally freaked out myself. PM me if you need to chat more.

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P.S maybe sit down and have a chat when she's back

 

She hasn't gone yet. She's going middle next year.

 

OP, you don't trust her. You think she's going to get smashed and then get "friendly".

 

If that bothers you then end it! Instead of stressing and stewing for 14 months.

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She hasn't gone yet. She's going middle next year.

 

OP, you don't trust her. You think she's going to get smashed and then get "friendly".

 

If that bothers you then end it! Instead of stressing and stewing for 14 months.

 

oh, thought she was there partying and stuck there now haha...okay..OP talk talk talk talk.....looks like ....there's gonna be storms ahead...can feel those winds now!

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Ok, so generally I’d say that anyone should have the right to take trips with just friends during a relationship. I’ve gone on a few myself and would have seriously reconsidered my relationship, if my partner couldn’t handle that.

Now I did do some research on the place you mentioned and it does seem to be one of those places you go to for a very specific reason. I’ve gone to Mallorca on my own during off season, and despite the islands reputation, the reason for my trip was far from wanting to get smashed and flirt with strangers. I never stepped foot in a bar actually and just enjoyed the beaches and little towns. I’m not sure why your girlfriend is wanting to go. Has she been before? All in all, you can’t tell her what to do and what not to do. I’d suggest either being ok with it and then seriously being ok with it. If you can’t do that and you know you’ll feel resentful later, then the only thing you can really do is leave her.

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Ok, I’m going to be as upfront and genuine as I can about this. Before I explain my situation I ask anyone who responds to do one thing before you respond just take a moment to think...

*what if was me in this situation*

 

I have been with my girlfriend now for just over 2 years. We are both in our late 20s.

 

A month ago she booked a holiday away with 5 other girls to Iya Napa for June 2021

I’m going to sum this up to exactly what it’s going to be. Getting hammered, partying, girls on tour etc etc. (The girls who she is going with are shall we say, wreckless)

 

I’m sure by now you can see we’re I’m going with this and what’s to follow.

I feel very uncomfortable with it. To the point we’re it’s always on my mind.

There’s no point in me sugar coating this, I’m a realistic type of person. When I was single I went to the exact same place she is going and it’s awful. “Sleeze balls” “Lads being lads” “creeps” “dodgy people”

My girlfriend has a terrible tendency to get in some states when we go out. (Which is ok when I’m with her as I can look after her) but she doesn’t remember much the next day.

 

She told me about it before she booked it and I made it clear and was honest with her by saying, “I’m not going to stop you, it’s your life, but I feel extremely uncomfortable with it”

She went ahead and booked it with what can only be described as “like it or lump it”

 

I’m going to be sat at home going out of my mind with worry, and best case scenario for me personally will be.

She goes, comes back safe, and says Iv had a good time. But I KNOW what I’m like and forever more will always wonder... what really happened.

Even if “nothing happens” it makes my stomach churn knowing the environment she will be in and what’s there in front of her”

 

I don’t know what to do or how to feel, it’s getting to a point we’re I’m considering is this right for me, should I get out now? It’s really effecting me.

 

Thanks for reading

 

It sounds like maybe you do trust her but just not when she drinks too much, which you've said she has a tendency to do. I'm guessing you're from the UK. I am too, so I know how normalised it is here. I think you're really going to need to speak to her about how wasted she gets. I mean a calm, non-judgmental conversation about how it makes you feel when she does that (and also how dangerous it can be). Hopefully she'll respect you enough to listen. But whether it will make her want to change that aspect of her life is another thing. Either way you'll need to make your own decision - if she doesn't want to stop doing it, could you put up with that? (Bearing in mind there will probably be other getaways/ nights out without you in the future). If she does want to cut down, will that solve the problem? Only you can answer those questions.

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The more insecurities you allow to spill on to her, the more resentful she will become and the more likely she is to rationalize “acting up” to spite you.

 

In my opinion your best bet is to make an earnest attempt to accept the situation as it is and act as if you had unmitigated trust in her. If you feel worked up about it, find a friend you can confide in or throw a post down on this thread, but don’t unload your fears at your girlfriend’s expense. It’ll bite you in the azz if you do...

 

Time will flush out the truth about your trust level. Just play it cool for now and pay attention to how you feel as the initial distaste with her decision to do this trip wears off. Announcing big proclamations or laying down new laws regarding behavior that hasn’t happened is not recommended. In the meantime you could always make a concerted effort to focus on being the best boyfriend you can with what’s going on now, in the present moment - one day at a time.

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Well we have a big drinking culture here in Australia too. Look I think at the end of the day if your partner has given you no real reason not to trust them, you should trust them. Of course everyone's relationship is different and some people have these rules like don't go out, don't hang out with people of opposite gender, and so on. For the most part I think those rules are too strict. I think it's normal to have a boys' trip away or girls' trip away. I mean it's nice to go on trips as a couple but if some of her friends are single and are all girls, then that makes it kind of awkward if you also came along.

 

End of the day even if someone is drunk, if they don't actually want to cheat then I don't think they would (most likely). When I was with my ex-fiance I went to Surfers Paradise on the Gold Coast (Queensland) with my best friend for a girly trip away. She was single and she wanted the two of us to go to the famous adventure parks there, like Sea World and Dreamworld. Surfers Paradise is a massive party, backpacker place. In fact to save money we actually stayed in backpackers in an all girls' dorm. I was drinking and my best friend was hitting on guys, but I just said I had a partner and I didn't do anything.

 

Unfortunately there is nothing here really you can do except end the relationship. She has already booked the trip and so have her friends. If you don't want your girlfriends to go on girls' trips then that might actually pose a problem for you. I mean boys' or girls' trips or events tend to come up in life. E.g. bachelor party, bachelorette party, someone's 30th, etc. What if you wanted to go away with the guys and she said you couldn't go?

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Buddy, you dont trust her at all. If you did you would not be here.

 

I cant put myself in your shoes as you are so irrational and I cant begin to think like you do. You really need to examine why you are so mistrusting of her. So she's a social butterfly, good for her. So what. She's enjoying herself and so she should. You need to figure yourself out and if you cant get past this then you need to find a new gf who is a real homebody.

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Ok so a lot of responses throughout the night.

 

The general feel of what I’m getting from everyone is firstly the fact that I don’t trust her. I know this may be really hard to understand/ for me to explain but be open minded if possible.

 

I do trust her that she isn’t going to go and cheat on me.

 

I think what would be a good way to describe this is that it wouldn’t matter who my GF was, how old she was, what type of person she was... I would still feel the same.

Does that mean it’s my own insecurities?

(I’m honestly not insecure about myself)

 

She goes out with her friends every know and again for drinks, to the cinema, (both male and female) I know them and we also do things together as a group. I’m happy for her and comfortable with that.

 

For ME in my head it’s the location and surroundings that she’s going to be in that seem to be the problem.

 

If you go onto YouTube and search, nightlife...

Ayinapa, zante, magaluf, etc etc

Your will see we’re I’m coming from. (I hope)

There will be all kinds of people reading this from different age brackets.

Some of you may be older and not experienced these types of places before (ABSOLUTELY NO DISRESPECT TO YOU GUYS)

 

I see it in my mum a lot - for example - the other day I showed her a video of what I’m explaining and she was in disbelief (like she just didn’t realise what goes on) when I originally told her my GF was going away her reaction was “that will be nice for her” - then showed her were and she instantly changed and became uncomfortable

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OP, it doesn’t matter if people here are familiar with these party zones or not (I am, for what is worth)

 

It doesn’t matter how many people you can rally to agree that it’s not a great environment for a person in a relationship. (Keep your mom out of this, by the way. You’re going to create negative impressions of your girl that could come back to bite you)

 

Your girlfriend still doesn’t agree with you, and she’s still going. That’s what matters. What is it you would like to see happen here? Are you hoping your girlfriend will cancel the trip? Or that you will somehow become okay with this?

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