Our relationship doesn't "feel" like a relationship.

[Batya33]

I love how you use the term "FWB" to describe an interaction with less feelings -true friends have feelings and true friends care. This guy let women believe they were in a relationship when he viewed it just as a sexual arrangement. "Never corrected them" becomes leading on at some point. He's doing the same thing with you. He's lying to you, telling you that he thinks you don't really like him despite your being clear with what you want -to hang out with him when he's sober. I bet he did the same thing with his former sex partners who thought they were in a relationship - deflected what they said/complained about to make it seem like he was in the "right" or the "victim". Do you really think this is some sort of prize "ohhhhh at first he just wanted me for sex but then he woke up and realized he gave a darn about me so he figured why not let's give this relationship thing a try." But his version of trying is if it's convenient for him. It's inconvenient if he has to sacrifice drinking a bottle of wine three times a week in order to spend time with you.

 

Just imagine if you needed a real sacrifice from him like "can you get up early to be with our child so I can go to the doctor for this painful situation I'm in?" "Can you please visit my mother in the hospital so she's not alone so I can get some things done I've been putting off too long?" "Can you please abstain from drinking tonight when we go out with my boss?" He's showing you who he is plus he's well on his way to having a real drinking problem (which is kind of irrelevant in the sense that it's a problem for you, in this relationship).

[DancingFool]

Your relationship doesn't feel like a relationship anymore precisely because you no longer have a relationship. He has checked out. However, the actual separation he is doing in an ultra manipulative, passive aggressive kind of way. Yes, he'd rather die than admit to you that he is done and wants out. He wants you to be the bad guy and break up with him. Why? He is pretty messed up mentally and emotionally and that's that. You will never understand his psychology or reasoning. Even if he explained himself, it will never make sense to you. In fact your relationship only lasted as long as it did because you are quite distant yourself, OP. The arm's length arrangement was suitable until it wasn't. People like him have an infinite capacity for instant discard and that's where you are at.

 

The whole scenario where he drinks, you ask him to stop and his response is telling you that since you asked, it's now your fault that he is about to get wasted....that alone is enough for you to get up and walk away for good and block and delete him from your life permanently and with extreme prejudice. What he is doing isn't just childish and immature, it's also toxic and manipulative and damaging mentally and emotionally to you, OP. A very toxic drip drip drip that will eventually get to you.

 

OP, he is counting on the idea that you have enough sense and self respect to just dump him clean. If you don't and decide to stick around longer, he will become increasingly more abusive toward you, essentially turn up the heat until you either finally decide to walk or break down mentally and emotionally. He doesn't care which, either way works for him. People like him have a hidden sadistic streak that they love to cloak as being a caring and sensitive person who just can't face hurting others. Think of the mind fck that is - I'm hurting you by acting like a grade A a hole because I don't want to hurt you by just being honest....... Can you wrap your mind around this insanity? Probably not, but that's how he operates. Stick around longer and you'll learn the very hard way just how horrible these types of people can be. Sadly, something tells me that you will do just that - stick around until you are fried to a crisp.

[kathyb]

Do you guys really think he's some kind of psychopath? He's certainly an a-hole sometimes, especially lately, but I really don't believe he's that messed up. Everyone loves him, he's got a big heart and also great, long-lasting relationships with friends and family.

 

Thanks for all your replies. I'll have to take some time to digest all of this. Life's been busy - and as it happens, I have not seen my boyfriend since the last time I posted here. We've talked on the phone, a couple of times, but only on surface-level. So no actual relationship talk has happened.

This might be the longest stretch of time where I haven't seen him. It's actually been a bit relieving, as sad as it is to admit. I'm starting to miss him, but it was good to spend some more time by myself.

 

He kind of hinted that he hasn't wanted to see me because he needed to think about himself and the relationship.

[MissCanuck]

He kind of hinted that he hasn't wanted to see me because he needed to think about himself and the relationship.

 

I don't think he's a psychopath, to address your most recent question.

 

But given what you wrote here? I don't think he really wants this relationship anymore, either.

[bluecastle]

It's actually been a bit relieving, as sad as it is to admit.

 

I would focus on this right now, as the answers to your concerns may lay more in you feeling relieved right now than all the looping analysis of his drinking, his romantic history, and so forth.

 

I could say more, having followed this one pretty closely, but I'll leave it at that for now, as it seems your own spirit is giving you some very vital information.

[kathyb]

I would focus on this right now, as the answers to your concerns may lay more in you feeling relieved right now than all the looping analysis of his drinking, his romantic history, and so forth.

 

Thank you. You might be onto something there.

[kathyb]

I could say more, having followed this one pretty closely, but I'll leave it at that for now, as it seems your own spirit is giving you some very vital information.

 

Do you feel like expanding on this now?

 

I've kind of hit a brick wall, but now it's crumbling piece by piece. There are issues coming up that weren't even remotely in my field of vision before.

[bluecastle]

Want to describe that brick wall, the pieces/issues that are suddenly exposing themselves as it crumbles?

 

A lot of my thoughts were expressed by others, but the general crux is that I think all this is less about his drinking, in terms of frequency and consumption, than in realizing that the foundation the relationship has been built on is pretty fragile. He was "just kind of there," in your words. Neither of you were looking for anything "real," but it kind of just happened. Without a shared intention, it's just very hard to communicate, because your mutually created comfort zone is one where, well, things just kind of happen rather than a ship built and steered by each of your heads and hearts.

[kathyb]

He was "just kind of there," in your words. Neither of you were looking for anything "real," but it kind of just happened. Without a shared intention, it's just very hard to communicate, because your mutually created comfort zone is one where, well, things just kind of happen rather than a ship built and steered by each of your heads and hearts.

 

This rings true. We've lived in a bubble.

 

Things have been escalating, for lack of a better word, very quickly over the past 2 days. We spent the last few hours on the phone, and I'm still reeling from everything that's been said. It's hard to process it all. It started with an argument about finances, as all good fights do ... he very randomly offered to pay off some of my student loans. I said no. He was very confused, asked why, and I, desperate for something to change, told him I couldn't rely on him. He was shocked.

 

From there on, it's been a rollercoaster. Turns out, he's more worried about our age gap than he let on before. He's worried about the (implied) power imbalance and how the outside world perceives us. He told me he wished I was more confident, but at the same time, he says he understands that's narcissistic of him.

 

We agreed that we are not in a relationship, never really were, and that I am asking for something he can't give. It was hard for him to hear it, and to admit it. And in the same breath, he told me he loves me. I'm not sure where this leaves us now.

[Jibralta]

The other ones were really just FWB but people assumed he was in a partnership and he never corrected them.

 

And he said it was different with me. At first, he thought we'd just be FWB too, but then he realized how much he actually cared about me. And since I was so open with my feelings, he felt he could do the same, and that's when he realized that he did want a relationship with me.

 

But for the past 2 months or so, things have changed. We barely see each other. Not because we're busy, but because he's started to drink more alcohol - and I really dislike him when he does.

 

We agreed that we are not in a relationship, never really were, and that I am asking for something he can't give.

 

He seems to have a pattern.

 

Step one: FWB

Step two: Fluff em up so they feel special.

Step three: Set it and forget it until things fade out/ create distance with alcohol/ be annoying

Step four: Women want so much! They are such a burden. Poor me.

[MissCanuck]

I'm sorry, OP. That must have been hard to hear all his pent-up issues come tumbling out.

 

I suspected his drinking was just masking some bigger issues he didn't yet have the stones to be honest about. Now that he has, it's time to close the door n this one. He is not a good candidate for a true partner for you.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. However it's a blessing that you can set yourself free from being with this guy. It's not about you.

 

He's unraveling. He's pushing you away, he's reeling you back in. Keep in mind his relationship is and always has been with alcohol, not with anyone else. Everyone else is a pawn and a prop, including some whatever image you provided for his ego.

 

Do not get tethered by his sugar-daddy offer or strung along with mixed messages. Run. Find decent healthy sober guys in your own age range and who you are more compatible with.

offered to pay off some of my student loans.

We agreed that we are not in a relationship, never really were, and that I am asking for something he can't give.

[bluecastle]

I'm so sorry about this.

 

Had a feeling there was maybe a significant gap here. Can I ask how old you are?

 

Anyhow, the most important thing right now, which is also the thing that stings the most, is that what's come to a head, as MissCanuk stated, is that he is not a match for a partner. He doesn't even look in the mirror and see "partner material," which means anyone he's with will be a woman he doesn't see as a true partner, since we attach to people, often subconsciously, who reflect back to us our own most dominant self-conceptions.

 

I suspect you've had those concerns for a while, long before the drinking kicked up over the past two months. Seems he has as well, and personally I see his drinking less as problem of dependence than just an immature way of "communicating" those concerns. A relationship built around trying to snuff out problems—well, they generally have an expiration date, kind of like cleaning a house by stuffing everything into one closet. Eventually it all tumbles out and onto the floor.

 

Do know this: Regardless of age, regardless of anything, any human being who tells another that they wish they were "more confident" is a human being who deeply lacks confidence. A self-confident and self-possessed person would simply never say that, nor would a self-confident person value outside perceptions more than his own inner compass, another thing he seems to lack. Perhaps because he's older, has some money, some experience in the world, it was once easy to see him as a guy with some gusto, with his proverbial sh*t together. Scratch the surface, though, and it seems he is man who has grown into a lot of the nonsense that other men his age grown out of.

 

I hope, as you process all this, you can find a little comfort in all that. Dude is not on your level. That's not a verdict on you, but just a fact of the universe that revealed itself in your year together. Now that you know that fact, you're free, after some healing, to find a man who is.

[kathyb]

I do not feel free.

 

He's still around, always just slightly out of reach. After that last phone call, we went no contact, until he called me sobbing one night and told me to stay with him - temporarily, because of covid-19 - because he couldn't stand me not being with him. He said it was tearing his heart and soul apart to cause me so much hurt and he wants us to be in an actual relationship. So at 3 am, I craved, because I never expected this from him. He said everything I've longed to hear for the past few months. He poured his soul out and I couldn't help myself and packed a bag. And he wasn't drunk.

 

But the awakening came the next morning. He was quiet, withdrawn. I couldn't really get him to talk to me and I realised that effectively, of course, nothing had changed. At lunchtime, he told me he'd go for a quick run. I was like "ok cool, I'll get lunch started then" and he got this deer-in-the-headlights look and said "Actually ... I think you should go home." He was, for lack of a better word, kind about it ... apologized, told me he needed to be by himself for a bit, and left. So I packed my stuff and left too. I didn't get a chance to remind him that he'd asked me to stay with him for a while. Didn't hear anything from him the next few days. Still waiting. Or no, not waiting. I think I know the ship has sailed. But he will undoubtedly reach out again. He doesn't seem to comprehend what his actions translate to.

[bluecastle]

Sorry about all this. Tough stuff during a tough time.

 

I know it's hard, but if you look clearly at your post above? It's kind of just more of the same, no? We can pick it all apart, an instinct I understand, or we can see the whole thing and go: far, far from what you want from romance. Far from what you want now, even with the world roiling, and far from what you want when the world is spinning smoothly, as it will be again soon.

 

There's a lot of sadness in the above, I know. And the potential for loneliness during a lonely time. But there is also some power, a clear path forward, one you can take without needing anything from him. Making that path easier, perhaps? What he has shown, pretty consistently, is that with him in your life you feel pretty sad, pretty lonely. I'm not math whiz, but by my calculations that means you'll likely feel a lot better when you close this door rather than keeping it ajar.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry you got caught in this. Resist the urge to be at his beck and call for sleepovers. It seem he enjoys the catch-and-release game. No matter how lonely you feel in general or especially with all the social isolation do not acquiesce to being his booty call.

at 3 am, I craved, because I never expected this from him. And he wasn't drunk.

 

the awakening came the next morning "Actually ... I think you should go home." Didn't hear anything from him the next few days. Still waiting.

[catfeeder]

Sorry you got caught in this. Resist the urge to be at his beck and call for sleepovers. It seem he enjoys the catch-and-release game. No matter how lonely you feel in general or especially with all the social isolation do not acquiesce to being his booty call.

 

Yes. He can't reach out again if you block him.

 

Head high, and move forward.

[kathyb]

Thought I'd give you all an update ... it's been interesting.

 

We largely left each other alone, but he did keep reaching out. After a while, he asked me to be friends at least, because we missed each other terribly. I agreed to talk to him every once in a while and that's been okay, even though it hurt like hell.

 

A week ago, he sent me a book, a story about two people who want to be together but can't. It was quite the eye-opener. Married man has affair with younger woman, younger woman leaves him after his wife finds out, he goes searching for his lover only to realise he doesn't love her and they can never be happy together because all he wants is the thrill of something new, and as soon as he gets what he wants he doesn't want it anymore. It's very cliche but it got the point across. He didn't need to, but he wrote in a note that the book would explain everything better than he ever could.

 

Now I have to face the painful reality that he never felt the same way about me. I don't know how I feel. I want to pretend it's not true. I've also finally blocked him everywhere after I told him I do not want to hear from him for a good amount of time.

[Wiseman2]

Excellent. Now you can move forward to something more satisfying. That book is an eye opener but insulting and self serving in a way regarding how he just wants thrills. The good news is now you know the red flags for these situations.

I've also finally blocked him everywhere after I told him I do not want to hear from him for a good amount of time.

[kathyb]

It's hard for me to let go without getting answers. Hard to accept that the time we spent together was, overall, not what I thought it was. That every "I love you" was a lie. It doesn't seem real.

 

Through all of this, I firmly held onto the belief that he did care for me and that I was important to him, even if he didn't actually love me. It's what made me stick around. I trusted him, and every time he said "I promise, I mean well" I believed that with all my heart. I didn't doubt his sincerity this whole time. And now I just feel betrayed and probably won't ever know how he really felt about me.

 

This is oddly similar to the first time my heart got really, really broken. Not sure what to make of that.

[LaHermes]

Kathy.

 

It doesn't seem real because it wasn't real.

 

You say:

 

"..even if he didn't actually love me. It's what made me stick around. I trusted him, and every time he said "I promise, I mean well" I believed that with all my heart."

 

.

 

 

That makes for very sad reading. Why think so little of yourself that you would stick around with a man who doesn't love you. That is the issue to be addressed, don't you think?

[Jibralta]

It's hard for me to let go without getting answers.

 

And now I just feel betrayed and probably won't ever know how he really felt about me.

 

The thing is, you do have answers. You do know how he felt about you. They're just not the answers that you are prepared to accept: He didn't care for you. He didn't love you. He used you to feel some highs and lows.

 

It's really very simple. And as LaHermes says, sad. Why did you settle for that?

 

I didn't doubt his sincerity this whole time.

 

You did doubt his sincerity. That's why you posted here. You were just in denial about it. You were desperate to believe that he cared.

 

You've been waiting in denial since March (at least!). That's such a long time to put your life on hold!

[Batya33]

The thing is, you do have answers. You do know how he felt about you. They're just not the answers that you are prepared to accept: He didn't care for you. He didn't love you. He used you to feel some highs and lows.

 

It's really very simple. And as LaHermes says, sad. Why did you settle for that?

 

 

 

You did doubt his sincerity. That's why you posted here. You were just in denial about it. You were desperate to believe that he cared.

 

You've been waiting in denial since March (at least!). That's such a long time to put your life on hold!

 

I agree.

 

Nothing made you stick around except you. You chose to stick around.