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ButterflyWrists

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I'm not too worried about my pack of sleep, she sleeps relatively well for a young baby hitting the 4 month regression. It's just everything, it shouldn't be THIS isolated, there should be visits from health visitor, clinics for weighing baby, we're having to work out things alone, and our own mental health etc.. some mums whoes babies have tongue tie aren't able to get it cut, so giving up breastfeeding due to failure to thrive etc. The contact for new mums is appalling

 

We do try to get a walk in daily, it's been too hot recently (35c) and then she's wanting to get ready for bed for 8pm.. but we do what we can when we can.. she is accepting her wrap carrier now so I'm hoping I can start doing more, but my back hurts after a 10 min or so..

 

I think Sophie gave excellent advice. Read it more than once IMHO.

 

I didn't know what a sleep regression was. Neither did my son. He never had one. I'm sure they exist to a minor extent-real regressions -not just typical unpredictability in sleep - and my sense is it's a fancy trendy label so infant sleep consultants can drum up business.

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My baby had a major sleep regression from 14 weeks to around 5.5 months. Went from waking once at night to waking 3,4,5, 6 times. It was hell to get her back down to only two feedings/wakings a night. She cried more than I wanted or had planned on because I couldn’t take it anymore. I had read about this “4 month regression” but had decided my baby was way better than that, ha ha ha, and boy was I wrong. We then had a glorious month and a half, another tough time around 7 months with multiple waking for a few weeks, and now a pretty decent month or so stretch. Hasn’t been linear for sure.

 

That being said I never paid any sleep consultant - we had no money so that was an easy decision ha ha - and even with money I wouldn’t. It was clearly a phase for her. After we got down to one night feed she ended up dropping it on her own, so I think it was just developmental for her. Now she’s in a phase where she wants to be held by her mama 24/7 and she’s a chunky monster and my arm feels like it might fall off, so I hold her a lot and sometimes I just put her down and she screams and howls and that’s ok. I used to hate hearing baby cry at all and I still do, but it doesn’t send a dagger through my heart anymore which I personally think is good.

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My baby had a major sleep regression from 14 weeks to around 5.5 months. Went from waking once at night to waking 3,4,5, 6 times. It was hell to get her back down to only two feedings/wakings a night. She cried more than I wanted or had planned on because I couldn’t take it anymore. I had read about this “4 month regression” but had decided my baby was way better than that, ha ha ha, and boy was I wrong. We then had a glorious month and a half, another tough time around 7 months with multiple waking for a few weeks, and now a pretty decent month or so stretch. Hasn’t been linear for sure.

 

That being said I never paid any sleep consultant - we had no money so that was an easy decision ha ha - and even with money I wouldn’t. It was clearly a phase for her. After we got down to one night feed she ended up dropping it on her own, so I think it was just developmental for her. Now she’s in a phase where she wants to be held by her mama 24/7 and she’s a chunky monster and my arm feels like it might fall off, so I hold her a lot and sometimes I just put her down and she screams and howls and that’s ok. I used to hate hearing baby cry at all and I still do, but it doesn’t send a dagger through my heart anymore which I personally think is good.

 

It's so hard! Mine had a sleep regression -see I can accept the label!! -at 6 year old and 11 months.....

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As you know I’m a pretty new mom too (baby 9 months old).

 

I suppose I’m in the opposite situation as I’m the one working 60 hours plus (mostly outside the home but have a lot of evening and weekend work too), been back at work/school since baby was 6 weeks and her father is at home with her. It’s certainly all felt a bit joyless for the last several months - very restricted as to where we can go, no visits from friends, and since my husband lost his job due to COVID, no money to do much of anything fun. Here we have checkups at 1 month, 2 months, then 4,6,9,12. I feel lucky to be going to work in person. I was at home from early March to early July and it was tough. I love interacting with others (professionally) - aside from work I have only been to the grocery store once in the last 2 months, no other trips outside the house. I get up early (4 or 5 am) to pump, get ready for work, if I can then I feed baby before I go, go to work where I pump three times, come back, dinner, bathe baby, play, bedtime, clean up, and it’s time for bed. Same routine 6 days a week and on the seventh I have to study most of the day. Neither my husband nor I have had a relaxing weekend in months. Here it is literally 45 C every day this time of year so we’re quite housebound. So yes it’s hard and terribly monotonous.

 

Don’t spend any energy worrying about other mothers and if they can get to see lactation consultants of are feeding their babies at 4 months. I see you are compassionate and worrying about how this is affecting their health, but don’t take on other people’s struggles when you already have your own. If there’s anything that can bring you joy or comfort then try to do it. Walks with baby, FaceTime with family and friends. Sitting outside 6 feet apart (can be with masks on to be extra super safe) with family and friends (it’s more than safe). Ordering takeout to give yourself a break. Movie night with your fiancé at home. Forums to chat with other moms (they can be anxiety producing though). I don’t know what you were picturing things to be like at this time - it sounds like going to mom groups, going to soft play, seeing your mother and probably other things, but whatever you can do to give yourself a sliver of that experience, do it.

 

As far as postpartum depression, I have found sleep to have a disproportionate effect on my mood. Aside from trying to get as much sleep as possible, I’d encourage you to make use of all the resources you have access to to nip it in the bud. Six weeks waiting sounds insane to me so if you have the financial resources to pay for something sooner, I would. My baby’s pediatrician was worried about me being depressed but I personally felt like I was “just” exhausted and overwhelmed, and I did get better with more sleep and figuring out how to fit in work/school and baby.

 

For me, I’m waiting out this hot summer. Once it’s October and the weather is nice, I’m going to go hiking with my baby on the weekends. We’re going to play outside. I’ll get her a wagon and we’ll ride around the neighborhood. I’ll probably sit outside at restaurant terraces occasionally. I’ll have friends come over for drinks outside on my terrace after dark/baby’s bedtime and we’ll all sit far apart. Thinking about those things - which feel positively luxurious to me at this point - is getting me through now.

Oh man that sounds so difficult! Are you still having the checks? We've not, Larry check was 8 weeks, supposed to have them very similar to yours, she's now 4 months. I'm not so much worrying about other mothers, just trying to highlight a few of the issues of having no contact is throwing up. Plus all the extra strain on mental health services. My baby is sleeping roughly 8-6:30 with 2/ wake ups, so I'm incredibly lucky, not that I Gerry back to sleep for ages after the second feed, but that's my problem.. it's a major battle to get her to nap though, 45 min just now, scream so I play, she screams, I try boob, scream I cuddle her, scream I take her to see daddy, scream I lay hey in court, scream boob finally, then cot scream boob chit nap.. that's what's killing me. But itty isn't that every day, ok most days and today it's especially bad..

 

I think Sophie gave excellent advice. Read it more than once IMHO.

 

I didn't know what a sleep regression was. Neither did my son. He never had one. I'm sure they exist to a minor extent-real regressions -not just typical unpredictability in sleep - and my sense is it's a fancy trendy label so infant sleep consultants can drum up business.

Eh I deposited sleep psychology quite in depth at university, it is very much developmental and not just a ploy..

 

I really appreciate you're advice, especially as you went through this with bird flu, I think it's hard sometimes as your America based? Whereas I'm UK so we have different guidelines..

My baby had a major sleep regression from 14 weeks to around 5.5 months. Went from waking once at night to waking 3,4,5, 6 times. It was hell to get her back down to only two feedings/wakings a night. She cried more than I wanted or had planned on because I couldn’t take it anymore. I had read about this “4 month regression” but had decided my baby was way better than that, ha ha ha, and boy was I wrong. We then had a glorious month and a half, another tough time around 7 months with multiple waking for a few weeks, and now a pretty decent month or so stretch. Hasn’t been linear for sure.

 

That being said I never paid any sleep consultant - we had no money so that was an easy decision ha ha - and even with money I wouldn’t. It was clearly a phase for her. After we got down to one night feed she ended up dropping it on her own, so I think it was just developmental for her. Now she’s in a phase where she wants to be held by her mama 24/7 and she’s a chunky monster and my arm feels like it might fall off, so I hold her a lot and sometimes I just put her down and she screams and howls and that’s ok. I used to hate hearing baby cry at all and I still do, but it doesn’t send a dagger through my heart anymore which I personally think is good.

 

I've decided my baby will be the worst if the worst(I was honestly a terror) so when it's better than that I'm happy, but I'm prepared for it to be worse. I know it's a terrible way to go through life, but it seems to work for me. She isn't a bad baby, she has her moments just like the rest of us..I hate her crying and shouting, it currently only seems to be nap times *touch Wood* yeah the 4 month regression is due to development, and growth spurt..

It's worth all the pain but it is a struggle.

I met my mental health team next week :)

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I don't agree to the extent it's touted about regressions. I do think teething disrupts sleep and certain developmental changes but typically I think it's mostly random, mostly due to other factors and sure sometimes developmental. I think sleep consultants tout it to the extent they do to legitimize their services.

 

I don't think there are any bad babies.I think there are parents who label them as "bad" so they don't have to look inside themselves or admit harsh truths to themselves.

 

I'm so glad you'll meet your mental health team next week!

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I’m so glad you’re seeing someone next week. I hope it will be helpful.

 

I’m in the USA. We had all her visits as planned (1,2,4,6 and 9 months will be next week). They’re all with her pediatrician and she gots vaccines at all of them, although I don’t think there are any at 9 months. Here they’ve recommended staying on track with visits so that’s what we’ve done. She goes to a big practice with two locations so they changed it so one building sees all healthy kids and another building any sick kids, so I’ve felt like it’s pretty safe.

 

Mine was always a decent napper - we worked on having her nap alone starting when she was 6 weeks so maybe that worked, probably we just got lucky! She had a phase where she would only nap until the wrap and so that’s what we did. Would have to walk around with her in it to get her sleeping but then could sit down.

 

It can be so frustrating. Even now I get so frustrated sometimes. I can’t wait until she understands me and she can talk to me and tell me what’s wrong.

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Sophie for some reason I thought you were in Aus lol! Yeah ours all got cancelled, really stupid! She's had her vaccines, but it's in out in less than 5 min, no other checks or questions.

Oh I can't wait for that stage too, but I'm also dreading it out already feels like it's going too fast.

I disagree on the sleep regression, yes it can be random and may not happen to every baby, but they do appear to be a thing(again I researched sleep a lot and did my research project on sleep)..

Yes I agree there, it is the parents rather than baby being bad (as in attitude) babies can't be bad it's our perceptions and pressures of what's normal, when each child is different and deserves to be treated as such. I think challenging would be a more accurate term for me to use here.

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Sophie for some reason I thought you were in Aus lol! Yeah ours all got cancelled, really stupid! She's had her vaccines, but it's in out in less than 5 min, no other checks or questions.

Oh I can't wait for that stage too, but I'm also dreading it out already feels like it's going too fast.

I disagree on the sleep regression, yes it can be random and may not happen to every baby, but they do appear to be a thing(again I researched sleep a lot and did my research project on sleep)..

Yes I agree there, it is the parents rather than baby being bad (as in attitude) babies can't be bad it's our perceptions and pressures of what's normal, when each child is different and deserves to be treated as such. I think challenging would be a more accurate term for me to use here.

 

yes. I get it. I think regressions are real but overblown and presumed every time a baby has a rough night or few nights. Especially by sleep consultants looking for business.

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  • 3 weeks later...
Baby girl is able to sit unaided for a few min at a time!!! She's getting so strong! Still not interested in rolling over, not even to help me pick her up (I know she can't comprehend cause and effect yet) in the night lol.. but I'm super proud of her sitting skills, i think she's going to have it mastered very soon.

 

Cool I'm sure she's proud too!

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Baby has quite bad eczema.. not sure if it's down to a potential allergy or just one of those things, it is something everyone has suffered with in my family.

I'm scared about it being a potential cow's milk protein allergy, as I'm already a vegetarian and I have dairy in every single meal. I know I could get formula, but I really think formula would screw my mental health up royally.. I know that's selfish, if it's best for baby. But i can't control it with logic.

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Because I already feel like a failure, and without me being her source of nutrition she would no longer need me. Obviously I'll do what it's best for her. But my mental health is tanking at the thought of having to give up. Losing that release if oxytocin etc. It isn't logical but if mental illness could be fought with logic then the rates of mental illness would be a hell of a lot lower.

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Because I already feel like a failure, and without me being her source of nutrition she would no longer need me. Obviously I'll do what it's best for her. But my mental health is tanking at the thought of having to give up. Losing that release if oxytocin etc. It isn't logical but if mental illness could be fought with logic then the rates of mental illness would be a hell of a lot lower.

 

I am not suggesting logic in the least. I am suggesting that you react to your feelings of failure in a different way than you are and take actions such as self-talk (not rationalizing), exercise which releases those endoprhins, positive reinforcement when you do feel competent as a mom, and - so - I didn't need my mom, my sister didn't need my mom, my son didn't need me, my husband didn't need his mom because we were all formula/bottle fed? And guess what - at some point soon your role is to have her needing you less and less not more and more - not as an infant but you have to facilitate your child's independence from you.

 

Please don't go there with me that I am suggesting mental illness be fought with logic. How ridiculous. My father had a mental illness for over 60 years. He died 4 years ago this month. I was a first hand eye witness to that for over 40 years.

 

Your other job as a mom -to put your daughter's needs first (yes, self-care, yes, you have to feel well to serve her needs, I'm talking about balance) -so even if you "feel" like a failure for not nursing let's say - since "fed is best" -whether formula or breast - you have to choose to put your feelings aside and make sure whether you're nursing or giving her a bottle or your fiance is giving her a bottle that you are present with her in a positive, loving way as much as possible -it's not always possible - motherhood can be exhausting -but that's the goal - beating yourself up about how you feel like a failure because you are not nursing (and I guess all the rest of us who formula fed are too) - is not good for your daughter to absorb -it's negativity/negative energy. So if you want your daughter to need you be present for her in a centered, loving way as much as you can, ok?

 

I don't have a mental illness and of course I've felt like I was failing at parenting -it's normal! Celebrate the times you don't -reread all you've written here about those times!

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I was unable to nurse my kids. They still "needed" me and I did not "fail" because I had to bottle feed them. I don't actually understand why you equate not nursing to your baby not needing you for anything. She is very bonded to you.

 

As you know, treatment for mental health issues does in fact involve working to change your mindset. You are vital to your baby's well being. Bottle feeding her will not change that.

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I am not suggesting logic in the least. I am suggesting that you react to your feelings of failure in a different way than you are and take actions such as self-talk (not rationalizing), exercise which releases those endoprhins, positive reinforcement when you do feel competent as a mom, and - so - I didn't need my mom, my sister didn't need my mom, my son didn't need me, my husband didn't need his mom because we were all formula/bottle fed? And guess what - at some point soon your role is to have her needing you less and less not more and more - not as an infant but you have to facilitate your child's independence from you.

 

Please don't go there with me that I am suggesting mental illness be fought with logic. How ridiculous. My father had a mental illness for over 60 years. He died 4 years ago this month. I was a first hand eye witness to that for over 40 years.

 

Your other job as a mom -to put your daughter's needs first (yes, self-care, yes, you have to feel well to serve her needs, I'm talking about balance) -so even if you "feel" like a failure for not nursing let's say - since "fed is best" -whether formula or breast - you have to choose to put your feelings aside and make sure whether you're nursing or giving her a bottle or your fiance is giving her a bottle that you are present with her in a positive, loving way as much as possible -it's not always possible - motherhood can be exhausting -but that's the goal - beating yourself up about how you feel like a failure because you are not nursing (and I guess all the rest of us who formula fed are too) - is not good for your daughter to absorb -it's negativity/negative energy. So if you want your daughter to need you be present for her in a centered, loving way as much as you can, ok?

 

I don't have a mental illness and of course I've felt like I was failing at parenting -it's normal! Celebrate the times you don't -reread all you've written here about those times!

 

I try to fight it with logic is what I mean. I do get up ans go for a walk, we did today, even though pram was with fiance at work, i used my carrier despite the fact I get a sore back from it.

And no not at all, in terms of formula and breaking mother's. That's just how it feels for me, she has such a great bond with her daddy, that I fear she would only want him. It's irrational, and even if she did want him more sometimes, it doesn't mean she'd love me any less or med me any less, but the thought kills me.

It's not even certain that my breastmilk is causing issue, her bowels are fine, she's not hugely sicky, she's growing nicely, she's generally quite happy, which are all positive signs. I just get worked up and annoyingly fixated on something with a small possibility. She was scratching at herself and refusing boob despite being hungry when I posted, which triggered that upset in me. I think I'm a little sensitive to some of your comments atm, despite them not being attacks and generally being very helpful.

 

On positive, she's mastered sitting up! Still doesn't care to roll over. She loves singing bump the elephant with me (she baubles along) if she's upset 8 out of 10 times, singing will distract her and cheer her up. I love singing together.

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Honestly I totally understand about the breastfeeding. I went back to “work” more than full time when my baby was 6 weeks old. Even though I knew it’s what I wanted to do and she was cared for by her dad and grandmother, it was hard to leave her and I worried she wouldn’t be attached to me. Even though rationally I know and believe that formula is more than fine, I felt like if I was going to be gone so much, breastfeeding/pumping was the least I could do. So I did every single night feed from 6 weeks to 6 months when she slept through, and got up early to pump etc ... I felt like I wanted to share one special thing with her that no one else could. I actually do feel that it has personally helped me bond with my baby. Obviously millions of women every day have incredible bonds with their formula fed babies - this is just how I felt, even though I didn’t think it was rational. So I totally understand you wanting to breastfeed.

 

Can you talk to your health visitor or doctor? Eczema is so super common and most often has nothing to do with what mom eats. There’s lots you can try before switching to formula, although if that’s what your medical team thinks is best for baby, I would of course follow their advice.

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Hi Butterfly, sorry about this issue in such a time of happiness. I nursed my youngest daughter until she self-weaned at 2 years, and when she was still less than one year old she came down with a beastly case of Eczema. Her pediatrician prescribed a topical that didn't do much, so I took her to a pediatric dermatologist at a renowned children's hospital (luckily in my area) who prescribed Erythromycin - she took that orally for just the one course and the Eczema went away. Like your little love, she didn't have other issues, normal digestion, sleep, growth and development, just that nasty Eczema. I'm not a fan of medication in general, and especially for a tiny baby (who is now 22!) (also thankfully hasn't suffered from it since!) but I trusted the specialist and in our case, it worked.

 

If breastfeeding is working for you then please know there are options to treat Eczema. In my daughter's case it wasn't even a question about breastfeeding being linked to her Eczema. However I know all babies are different. And I know there are other reasons mom's can't breastfeed, etc. I am always supportive of every mom who just wants to do her best.

 

Whatever you choose, your baby will be bonded to you and will thrive - you're a good mom. ((HUGS))

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Honestly I totally understand about the breastfeeding. I went back to “work” more than full time when my baby was 6 weeks old. Even though I knew it’s what I wanted to do and she was cared for by her dad and grandmother, it was hard to leave her and I worried she wouldn’t be attached to me. Even though rationally I know and believe that formula is more than fine, I felt like if I was going to be gone so much, breastfeeding/pumping was the least I could do. So I did every single night feed from 6 weeks to 6 months when she slept through, and got up early to pump etc ... I felt like I wanted to share one special thing with her that no one else could. I actually do feel that it has personally helped me bond with my baby. Obviously millions of women every day have incredible bonds with their formula fed babies - this is just how I felt, even though I didn’t think it was rational. So I totally understand you wanting to breastfeed.

 

Can you talk to your health visitor or doctor? Eczema is so super common and most often has nothing to do with what mom eats. There’s lots you can try before switching to formula, although if that’s what your medical team thinks is best for baby, I would of course follow their advice.

 

I understand too and the extent to which she says she will feel like "a failure" -it's the degree of that that is concerning. That's all. I didn't feel any difference in connectedness or bonding once I gave up on nursing after day 12 - because it wasn't working at all plus I then had to be on meds that could be harmful to the baby for a medical condition - what I did find in our situation was that then my husband could stop washing pumping parts around the clock (low supply issue) and bond even more with our son during feeding times!

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Honestly I totally understand about the breastfeeding. I went back to “work” more than full time when my baby was 6 weeks old. Even though I knew it’s what I wanted to do and she was cared for by her dad and grandmother, it was hard to leave her and I worried she wouldn’t be attached to me. Even though rationally I know and believe that formula is more than fine, I felt like if I was going to be gone so much, breastfeeding/pumping was the least I could do. So I did every single night feed from 6 weeks to 6 months when she slept through, and got up early to pump etc ... I felt like I wanted to share one special thing with her that no one else could. I actually do feel that it has personally helped me bond with my baby. Obviously millions of women every day have incredible bonds with their formula fed babies - this is just how I felt, even though I didn’t think it was rational. So I totally understand you wanting to breastfeed.

 

Can you talk to your health visitor or doctor? Eczema is so super common and most often has nothing to do with what mom eats. There’s lots you can try before switching to formula, although if that’s what your medical team thinks is best for baby, I would of course follow their advice.

 

I have spoken to the dr and he's prescribed creams for her, which are helping, eczema is so common in my family usually grown out of by 3 years old, only one unlucky cousin has had severe eczema all her life.

 

Hi Butterfly, sorry about this issue in such a time of happiness. I nursed my youngest daughter until she self-weaned at 2 years, and when she was still less than one year old she came down with a beastly case of Eczema. Her pediatrician prescribed a topical that didn't do much, so I took her to a pediatric dermatologist at a renowned children's hospital (luckily in my area) who prescribed Erythromycin - she took that orally for just the one course and the Eczema went away. Like your little love, she didn't have other issues, normal digestion, sleep, growth and development, just that nasty Eczema. I'm not a fan of medication in general, and especially for a tiny baby (who is now 22!) (also thankfully hasn't suffered from it since!) but I trusted the specialist and in our case, it worked.

 

If breastfeeding is working for you then please know there are options to treat Eczema. In my daughter's case it wasn't even a question about breastfeeding being linked to her Eczema. However I know all babies are different. And I know there are other reasons mom's can't breastfeed, etc. I am always supportive of every mom who just wants to do her best.

 

Whatever you choose, your baby will be bonded to you and will thrive - you're a good mom. ((HUGS))

 

Thank you! I'm hoping her current creams help so far so good :) she's still scratching at her chest though which is incredibly frustrating for her bleas her.

I understand too and the extent to which she says she will feel like "a failure" -it's the degree of that that is concerning. That's all. I didn't feel any difference in connectedness or bonding once I gave up on nursing after day 12 - because it wasn't working at all plus I then had to be on meds that could be harmful to the baby for a medical condition - what I did find in our situation was that then my husband could stop washing pumping parts around the clock (low supply issue) and bond even more with our son during feeding times!

 

Oh I know it isn't normal, hence I'm under mental health, I'm seeing them again today and hopefully finding a medication I can use, shall also discuss what I post here. I post here for that extra support and to just get it out of my head so I can try and pull out of the negative cycle of thoughts.. I am doing what I can to get on the right track.

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Yes of course and I do want to support and also hope you know that the best possible thing for your daughter and yours connection is for you to show her what it looks like to be a person who likes and respects herself - not who acts like she is a failure. (feelings are feelings -I'm talking about how you act). I too have heard eczema is common and not necessarily any issue with breast milk. My son had formula and had some eczema. No allergies. I'm glad you're doing what you can to get on the right track!!

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