Dealing with girlfriend family crap

[catfeeder]

I am just a man who would actually love to find that right woman. I know nobody is totally perfect but I see many good women who understand and accept single fathers.

 

I would love to find a partner with kids or without and if she had kids that is a plus to me as I love helping others and kids ste the future for sure.

 

Good! So how does stagnating around this woman only to complain about her advance that goal?

 

We never get any wasted time back again for do-overs.

 

Nobody can move your focus forward FOR you. That's up to you.

 

Head high, and work toward what you DO want instead of spinning around what you don't.

[Jimbo251]

Being there for your father or mother is imperative. My mother had lost her leg last February and I am an only child. If my father was not here I would do as much as I can but being a firefighter I cannot be there every day.

 

Both her brother and sister should be able to share some Responsibility!!!!!

 

They both live off her father and mother in my opinion is this why should she have to take on the burden of everything when there are two other siblings!

[greendots]

The way I read your situation:

 

Your girlfriend is helping out her parents so much because she most likely feels she needs to as they are her parents and it's her duty as a daughter. My guess is that she wouldn't be okay if her parents, who are going through some tough times, weren't taken care of. Since her siblings aren't helping out, the entire responsibility falls on her. Someone has to do it.

 

I also sense that she's devoting so much time on her parents that I'm betting she has barely any time for herself.

 

Could she have better boundaries, not take so much on, stop being a nanny for her brother's child and so on? Sure. Why isn't she doing that? I don't know. But that's how she rolls. Also, her drinking too much is a red flag. Unfortunately, that's the reality at present.

 

Where do you fit into all of this? Are you a priority in her life? Is she the right woman for you? I feel you need to speak with her and sort this out.

 

 

PS: Sorry to hear about your mother losing her leg.

[boltnrun]

You've listed so many complaints about her.

 

So my question is...why do you want to continue this relationship?

 

Is it because you fear you won't find anyone else?

[Jimbo251]

Thank you very much greendots. Being an only child I followed my father to being a firefighter but my mother was one of the most important people in my life and she still is. It was devastating watching her go through that last year over something stupid as medical Negligence it's really kind of like a blur.

 

It is really cute though to see my daughter push my mother and help my mother get in and out of the wheelchair been only 5 1/2 years old. I am so proud of my daughter I would say her name and I don't mean to use the word my daughter as if she's only mine because she is my ex girlfriends as well but I am so proud of her because she has such compassion for people with disabilities. I have been a firefighter for 22 years now and I have seen a lot of stuff in my life some good some bad but the love of a parent to his or her child is the most satisfying feeling of all.

 

My daughter asked me today what was wrong with me I seemed a little sad as I picked her up and took her out to eat I just told her I was tired and she told me but daddy you look sad and not tired as I had seen you tired before and I just smiled and sad if I was sad before you sure cured it!!!

[Jimbo251]

I am not a quitter boltnrun. I understand your point I feel that if I left now with her dad being sick I would be abandoning her. I also feel like she is wanting me to just break up with her because it would be easier on her and if she wants to break up with me that her break up with me that's fine but I did nothing wrong and I'm not gonna feel like the guilty one.

 

I've never ever once Brad Bott what a great father I am in fact I wish I could be even a better father but my job and the distance from me and my daughter and also her mother won't permit that.

 

My friend is a clinical psychologist and he told me I'm doing everything and anything possible to the best of my ability. The fact that my daughter loves me is the biggest compliment I could ever get in my life and to feel proud.

 

My girlfriend has a choice to make if she expect me to be there for her then she should be there for me through thick and thin. If she wants to go out and drink all the time and party then I am not the right man for her and her being 45 it is hard to find many men witjout kids but there are some for sure.

[greendots]

The anecdote you shared about your child brought a smile to my face!

 

Now about your current situation, you revealed some relevant information:

 

If she wants to go out and drink all the time and party then I am not the right man for her.

 

Does she currently go out and party often? I genuinely thought she might not have much time for herself, so this new info slightly changes my earlier answer. Where are you in her list of priorities?

[Jimbo251]

greendots, she does not go out and party often but that is only because of recently with her father. She has friends who are in my opinion not good for her is there a 42-year-old women and all live at home with their parents and/or family members.

 

I had situation prior to all this with her talking to her ex boyfriend and watching his dog when I first started dating her. I am not an idiot but I look at her ex-boyfriend and I'm not being conceited but he couldn't intimidate me if he tried.

 

She tells me that she has so many friends with benefits and that it's just not my style. She is very affectionate and it's not just about intimacy she is very cuddly and I love that about her.

 

I am nobodies second choice I have my things together I am a firefighter I try to help people out as much as I can and I am a loving boyfriend in father and Son. I am not perfect in anyway shape or form we all have our difficulties but one thing I can assure you is I never ever bragged about being a good father maybe it bothers her because her brother is such a loser and living in his mother and father's house at 48 years old after filing bankruptcy eight years ago.

[greendots]

Thanks for the clarification, Jimbo! In that case my initial answer remains unchanged.

 

She tells me that she has so many friends with benefits and that it's just not my style. She is very affectionate and it's not just about intimacy she is very cuddly and I love that about her.

 

One thing that maybe you can help me understand: Do you mean she has currently friends with benefits? Or do you mean she used to have many friends with benefits, before you ended up together?

 

Anyhow, it seems to me that you're in turmoil right now. Figure out what you want (if you haven't already), talk to her and decide if she's a suitable match for you.

[bluecastle]

What reward are you seeking, exactly, in not quitting?

 

The tone you are taking in talking about your girlfriend? It's paternalistic, the tone of a disappointed father, a father who feels he is breaking his back for his child's well-being and who is frustrated by two things: choices his child is making, and his child's refusal to give him a gold star for being Father of the Year.

 

But your girlfriend is not a child. She is an adult woman who deserves a man who respects the way she is going about the business of being an adult. If you can't be that man? Well, admitting that might be the most honest and adult thing to do, for both of you. Punishing her, even if only in the confines of your mind, for not living her life as you'd like her to live it, and not giving you the level of attention you need to be content, starts to border on being cruel and selfish, on seeking the reward of superiority over the reward of sincere connection.

 

At present she is an adult stepping up to take care of her own father, best she knows how. Given your history with your mother—tough stuff, sorry about all that—I am honestly surprised you can't be more sympathetic. But if you can't? If instead you can only berate her own mother and brother for their human limitations, and make assumptions that all she wants to do is "party," even when she is not partying—well, own all that. I get not wanting to quit, I do. I get having big hopes, and the sting of them not quite being realized. But I don't get finding comfort in this level of disdain about another human.

 

You just spent a fair amount of this thread bragging about being a great father, and great son, so I admit I find it hard to believe that your girlfriend has never been privy to that. I also, generally speaking, don't believe that humans say things "out of nowhere," but are in the habit of expressing genuine feelings and concerns, best they can. Seems to be sensitive topics in your life, things you need validated by others. Might be worth exploring. If those are things you can find more confidence in on your own, instead of needing someone to validate them, you may find yourself less drawn to people you deem dysfunctional and more toward people who simply function in a way you admire.

 

But that means losing the reward of being able to judge another life as harshly as you judge hers, and in the process seeing yourself in a certain light: slightly flawed, sure, but generally irreproachable in the way you live your life.

[boltnrun]

So you'd rather continue to try to force this relationship than "quit"?

 

It's not "quitting". It's realizing that what you want and what she wants are not compatible. You two are not a good fit.

 

You've listed numerous complaints about her. I can't see how continuing to try to force this is a better option than potentially meeting a woman who doesn't disappoint you in so many ways.

 

You're "quitting" on finding the right woman.

[Jimbo251]

Hi greendots, She would tell me when I first met her that she would have would she call psychics and that's such a crappy term to use for friends with benefits but thst is what she meant.

 

She said prior to meeting me she was online dating and we go on a different date every day of the week and they will wine and dine her and basically she would move on she would never called them back.

 

The thing that really upsets me is since her dad got sick I have been there for her every chance I could possibly be I would call the hospital and find out information because I'm a paramedic and I also worked in anemergency room for five years. I thought I was doing her a favor but then when I have an issue with my daughters mother she's going to tell me that it's too much drama for her? I mean I understand her dad is very ill but I was reaching out to her for advice on a situation.

 

I just don't think that she is mature enough in her life to dating a guy with a child because she doesn't wanna have any responsibilities and she's actually told me that before "I have no responsibilities" and I think that is her plan.

 

Her whole family sponges off her dad her sister her brother everybody except for my girlfriend I hate to lose her because there are very many good qualities and I've been very sad because I feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick but there are other women out there who would except my situation and maybe I could find a woman who has a kid who I would treat with kindness and compassion.

[Jimbo251]

Very well put boltnrun. I cannot change the fact I have a child and I can't help her father who is in the hospital to get any better.

 

It just amazes me because last week she idolize me saying I was her prince charming I was her support system but when I tell her a problem that I have it bothers her and it creates negative energy in her body but I honestly do think that she has an alcohol problem because even on Christmas day when she is with my family my mother had said she drank like six glasses of wine three large glasses of Hendrix and soda.

 

It just seems like she has the weight of the world on her shoulders because she has such a dysfunctional family who are a bunch of screw ups in my opinion and she tried to make excuses for them but she knows I'm too smart to see through that but if she has to take care of her mother which makes no sense when her brother lives upstairs and given the fact he pays no rent we should be down there anytime she needs him too she's not crippled!!

 

My mother has one leg and she manages my dad is there to help her out but she still manages and if her mother can't speak any English living here for 50 years who's fault is that that's her fathers fault for refusing her to learn.

[bluecastle]

Rather than putting it solely in terms of another woman who would be more accepting of your situation, I'd encourage you to put it in terms of there being another woman who you would be more accepting of. A woman with whom you are simply more compatible, in short.

 

You are framing this in very stark terms. You're great, she's a mess. You're compassionate, she's selfish. You're mature, she's not. You're totally allowed to feel that way, of course, but people don't like being judged or being with people who judge them harshly. To long for your situation to be accepted by someone you don't accept—well, that's just not a fair bargain, you see?

[Jimbo251]

I am by no means perfect and definitely have my fair share of flaws but I also have responsibility and I greatly appreciate the way she cares for her parents and would not expect anything less

 

I have a daughter and I expect nobody to be responsible for myself. I have a problem when she tells me that bragij and I really don't understand what she means by that because she won't give me a definition of how I am bragging that I am such a great father because I never say anything in that manner at all? I think what really set her off is she watched her brothers son on Sat and quite frankly I think she gets stressed having to always bail him out.

[reinventmyself]

I am by no means perfect and definitely have my fair share of flaws but I also have responsibility and I greatly appreciate the way she cares for her parents and would not expect anything less

 

I have a daughter and I expect nobody to be responsible for myself. I have a problem when she tells me that bragij and I really don't understand what she means by that because she won't give me a definition of how I am bragging that I am such a great father because I never say anything in that manner at all? I think what really set her off is she watched her brothers son on Sat and quite frankly I think she gets stressed having to always bail him out.

 

OK. . .so what are you going to do about it?

[bluecastle]

I think what really set her off is she watched her brothers son on Sat and quite frankly I think she gets stressed having to always bail him out.

 

Translation, to my eyes and ears: You are saying that you understand her better than she does. No way you could possibly behave in any way that bothers her or in a way that you're maybe not fully aware of—nope, must be her deadbeat brother, the stress of all that, or some other maturity shortcoming of hers: a secret desire to party, a secret resentment of children. Or something. Whatever it is, however, it is not you.

 

I'm not saying that to attack, or make you feel lousy, but to give some perspective on how frustrating this kind of attitude can be. When we're compatible with someone there isn't this kind of tension, not all these judgements, no need to be on the defensive because you feel accepted by someone you accept.

 

Curious, along with reinvent, to know what you're going to do about this.

[greendots]

Hi Jimbo, thanks again for making some stuff clearer.

 

This is how I see things at the moment: I understand that you are beyond peeved with her siblings' behaviour and with her for not being more understanding towards you. I also understand that maybe the way she is handling this current situation isn't the way you (or someone else) would, but she's dealing with this the way she sees fit. Could she have better boundaries, not take so much on, stop being a nanny for her brother's child and so on? She chooses not to. But as I mentioned before, that's how she rolls and we cannot change that.

 

Also, scrutinizing her siblings behaviour and her past isn't beneficial to you as you cannot change either of those things. Why not shift your focus and ask yourself the following questions: where do you fit into all of this at present and are you both a good match? Most importantly, you need to communicate with her.

[Wiseman2]

Just keep focusing on being the best father you can be and having a good co-parenting relationship with her mother. This woman and her family are how they are whether you agree with it or like it or not. They are enmeshed this way and she's part of that.

 

Agree that she is not the right person to date considering her attitude toward single dads. It seems this has too many incompatibilities for the long run.

[Jimbo251]

Wiseman2 you definitely got it!!! There are many women out there but I am a guy who will give it my all before I leave. I really think I can do no more to help her with anything because when she asks me for advice and I give her mine she just gets angry.

 

The thing that really is hard is how do I explain to my daughter that I am not with her anymore because she was kind of getting attached and I guess it's better now than never to end things.

 

The guys at the fire house just told me tell her Veronica took a job and she cannot be here anymore or make up some kind of a story.

[Jimbo251]

I am going to just sit back for now and see how she will react. If she truly loves me then as I had told her before " love is about compromise " and I feel that venting to her when I have a problem ( as she does to me ) should not get her upset but actually make her feel even more important in the relationship.

 

I love helping out people that is why I became a firefighter like my father. Nobody said life is easy I've made my fair share of mistakes but I've owned them and I think that is the big thing that's going on right now is that she was making excuses for everybody else but putting her anger on me as her punching bag.

 

My mom was really upset saying " how dare she say to you that you brag about how good a father you are " I am still shocked by this comment and makes no sense as I never brag about anything.

[bluecastle]

But love is not a test, not a trial, not a transaction. The moment we create a thesis of if she "truly" loves me then she will do x is the moment we take one of the best things about being alive—the capacity to love and accept other humans for exactly who they are—and turn it into a game of limbo.

 

She's doing her best, being herself. You're doing your best, being yourself. That's all human beings ever do. Sadly, it just seems that each of your bests don't mesh so well.

 

Do you have it in you to see it like that, or at least entertain that idea, rather than continuously faulting her?

[milly007]

Have you asked her why she thinks you were bragging about being a good father, and what you did to make her feel this way?

 

Have you ever been openly critical towards her and how she's handling this situation with her family? Have you ever openly criticized her father or brother?

 

It's clear in your posts that you seem to resent your girlfriend for not only the way in which she's handling her circumstances, but her circumstances in general (as well as her father, mother and brother).

 

And I'm not meaning this in an offensive way, really I'm not, but your posts do come across in a bit of a self-righteous, morally-superior way - as if you have it all figured out and your girlfriend and her family in comparison are, as you put it, "screw-ups".

 

I wouldn't be surprised if your girlfriend has picked up on this (even if you haven't outwardly expressed it); hence why she maybe made the comments that she did (i.e. - your bragging).

 

In fairness to you, subconsciously, you might not even realize you're coming across this way.

 

Is this a possibility?

 

At the end of the day, it just doesn't sound like you two are compatible. You can't control your girlfriend's circumstances or her family, so you either have to accept the way things are, or bow out.

[reinventmyself]

I became a firefighter like my father. .

You insist you don't brag but you've mentioned this more times than I can count.

 

Look. . .You don't think highly of her family, her family dynamic and you've disparaged her and her family through out this thread. I am not sure what you want us to tell you. Or you are just looking for a place to vent? And then you'll continue dating her anyway? Because this doesn't seem to go anywhere.

 

Her family isn't going away and you can't change their dynamic. It's was instilled long before you came along.

 

Just move on and find someone you feel is worthy of you. It's apparently not her.

She has enough on her plate.

[Jimbo251]

I agree with what you're saying and I also disagree. She is not doing her best because if she was doing her best she would tell her family members to step up and start pitching in.

 

My question is why complain to me about it and I give her advice only to do nothing except take it out on me?

 

I do love her and I do love being with her but she is lashing out at me because she is stressed out due to her family issues.

 

I've been through so much there's not one woman that could ever make or break me but I choose to be happy and absolutely if I feel it in my heart as she is not the one for me I will call you walk away I will give her time right now and just relax and deal with her emotions.

 

My good friend is a clinical psychologist and I talked to him today and he said what she is doing is she is taking all of her frustration out on me and for her to say something so rude as that I brag being a father does not make sense?

 

She makes excuses for her brother and I don't buy into them I told her his child should just stay in Arizona if you can't be here to take care of him.