Dealing with girlfriend family crap

[reinventmyself]

I agree with what you're saying and I also disagree. She is not doing her best because if she was doing her best she would tell her family members to step up and start pitching in.

 

.

 

So. . .do you really believe all she has to do is tell others to step up and everything would be o.k?

. . . as if life was that easy. . .

And somehow it's her fault that she's not doing her best. And then you then wonder why she snapped at you?

You don't think she can't sense your resentment?

 

Again . .being the sibling in my family that had to overcompensate when others under compensated, if it were just that easy to tell every one to get in line. It just doesn't work that way.

 

I've seen it over and over in most families. The majority of the time there is one sibling that bares the brunt of the family responsibilities.

 

In a perfect world the entire family divides the challenges evenly. But we don't live in a perfect world.

Having said that. . that's probably exactly why she took a verbal swipe at you for being the `perfect dad'

 

Toss this out and start again. If you're lucky, you'll get the black sheep or the dead beat that doesn't care.

[reinventmyself]

 

 

My question is why complain to me about it and I give her advice only to do nothing except take it out on me?

Because maybe she was looking for empathy and support and not advice about how to re-parent her already adult family.

[milly007]

She makes excuses for her brother and I don't buy into them I told her his child should just stay in Arizona if you can't be here to take care of him.

 

Ok, well, if you make comments like this while she's defending her brother, it's no wonder she gets her back up.

 

Could be why she made the comment that she did about you bragging about being a good father. Sure, maybe you don't come right out and blantantly brag about being a good dad, but your comments could imply that you have it all figured out, while no one else does (which is the impression I'm getting from your posts).

[bluecastle]

I agree with what you're saying and I also disagree. She is not doing her best because if she was doing her best she would tell her family members to step up and start pitching in.

 

Look closely at the above sentence. Translation goes roughly like this: No, she is not doing her best because if she was she would be doing what I consider her best to be.

 

I'm not sure you realize the limitations of judging another person's behavior based on (a) how you would behave or (b) how you think they should or could behave. It very quickly verges on condescending, even cruel, the polar opposite of acceptance.

 

I don't mean this judgmentally, only observationally, but the vibe you give off is pretty sanctimonious. Seems the only possible explanation of her comment is her shortcomings as a human. Seems you can't imagine a world in which she just wanted an empathetic adult ear, not a stern directive on how to fix something, and has become a bit exhausted by feeling perpetually judged as operating on standards you deem subpar and subhuman.

[reinventmyself]

I read your other thread and you mention your girlfriend is Hispanic?

 

Latin cultures, by nature are much more family oriented than most western cultures. Family comes first. She is doing what she's been raised to do. Be there for her family.

 

You are fighting an uphill battle that you won't win.

 

I speak from experience. My ex husband is Latin and it's a very admirable quality to have.

Is it frustrating to witness the inequity sometimes? Yes. But there's nothing you can do about it.

[boltnrun]

So if she'd just do everything YOUR way things would be perfect.

 

And you can't see why that annoys her?

[greendots]

"if she was doing her best she would tell her family members to step up and start pitching in."

 

Again, I understand that the way she is handling this current situation isn't the way you would, but she's dealing with this how she wants to. And as frustrating as it may be to see someone you care deeply for experience so much stress, you cannot force her to change the way she does things. You can, however, communicate with her about how you feel in a calm manner and address / resolve any issues.

 

Also, what benefit do you obtain from focusing on matters that you have no influence on? Honestly, instead, how about devoting your energy on that which will enrich your life?

[Jimbo251]

bluecastle, I certainly think I can handle the fact that we may not be the best fit for each other and as hard as it may be I will understand it after awhile.

[Jimbo251]

I think what bothers me is if she is doing this to sleep with somebody else. She said she dated a guy who she broke up with so she could sleep with another guy and I am not tolerating that and if she wants that then I would say " Have a nice day "

 

I have been cheated on before and I hared the feeling but it shows what kind of values a person has.

[Jimbo251]

boltnrun, I don't expect her to do everything my way but if she asks my opinion ( which she has ) I will give it to her.

 

I work 3-24hr shifts a month and have 4 days off so if she could fit me in her schedule that would be great but if not I cannot stay around.

 

I think since she has siblings some of the responsibility should be on them also and if they are that useless as my gf says they are I can see why she may be stressed out.

 

I think she and her family need to figure out a plan that is good for all and spread the tasks amongst one another.

[boltnrun]

But they think differently.

 

Frankly, what you "think " they should do is irrelevant. They will do what they want and most likely won't consult you.

 

Can you let go of the "shoulds"?

[Jimbo251]

I can definitely let go of the "should's". We all have things in life we "should" have done but the my main concern is about what I "should" do in this situation?

 

I am a very nice man who puts others in front of himself. I only ask that when I have issues that the person I love would reciprocate.

 

I am not high maintenance at all but there are times I have problems and if I cannot talk to a woman I am dating then what good is she?

 

I am not perfect by any means but one thing about me is I am a good listener and I am very loyal.

[boltnrun]

Well, you won't end the relationship because you aren't a "quitter". She will not do what you tell her to do.

 

Looks like an impasse here.

 

Accept her for who she is as you want her to accept you as you are. Or end it. The third choice where she and her family do everything the way you think they should doesn't exist.

[bluecastle]

I think what bothers me is if she is doing this to sleep with somebody else.

 

So, just going to make some observations.

 

My gut tells me—just going on what I'm getting—that before you met her you may have been a bit insecure about a few things. For instance: being cheated on. For instance: how being a single dad would work in romance.

 

Understandable. Very human. Still, it seems that your instinct is to find comfort in assuming the worst, in projecting, as your psychologist friend might say, your insecurities onto her. Imagining that she wants to party, rather than hang with you and your kid, even though there's been no evidence of that. That she is looking to sleep with other men, even though there is no evidence of that either. When such fears get acute, rather than soften, you seem to harden: judging her, admonishing her family, highlighting your virtues and her lack of virtue, finding high ground in the high road.

 

Peacocking, in short. A time-honored male way of dealing with simmering insecurities.

 

There is another, more tender way. Not sure if that's of interest, or if any of this resonates, but I think that in our deep pain, and deep fears, we are reminded of something pretty universal: that everyone has deep pain, deep fears, and that no one is placed on the planet with the purpose of hurting us. They're just stumbling along, dusting off, same as us. She's just a woman, with her own history. It weighs the same as yours, is no more or less special.

 

If for whatever reasons—your past, her present, etc.—you're hardwired to think the worst of her, to be suspicious—of cheating, of her not being capable of dating a father—then the kind thing to do, the tender thing, is to own that. No need to punish her, even silently, or punish yourself. There is no reward in that, or in "not quitting" it. It's being honest about your own limitations, and the limitations of how compatible you two are. She is not a fire burning that you need to put out, but just a human you're seeing if you can exist alongside in exactly the state she's in.

[Jimbo251]

What I am trying to say in my post was that if it bothers her so much to watch her brothers kid and or having to do things for her mom then she should speak up.

 

She would vent to me and complain on how lazy her siblings are but I cannot do anything about it except offer advice.

 

I don't expect her to change who she is but if she is overwhelmed by all the caretaking then she just needs to be upfront to her family and ask for help.

[bluecastle]

This:

 

I can definitely let go of the "should's".

 

Doesn't quite jibe with this:

 

What I am trying to say in my post was that if it bothers her so much to watch her brothers kid and or having to do things for her mom then she should speak up.

 

I get you're frustrated—people can be frustrating!—but I'm not sure what to tell you. Could it be that you are even more overwhelmed by her life than she is? That, given your own life—your daughter, your tense relationship with her mother, your demanding job, your insecurities, your relationship ideals—you'd be more at ease with a partner that doesn't have a lot of stress in her life? Or a partner who shows her appreciation of your advice by always taking it in exactly as it's given?

 

I'm in a relationship. As such, I'm aware of things that are stress points in my girlfriend's life. Stuff with family, stuff with raising her daughter, stuff with work. But for whatever reason—who she is, who I am, the mystery of compatibly—it doesn't overwhelm me. I like the way she lives, the way she expresses herself and handles the business of being herself. Another man might not. Fine. I do.

 

Doesn't mean she makes every choice I'd make, but her choices don't make me edgy or feel like personal offenses. When she talks about something that is bothering her, I don't feel that she is asking me for a solution. The opposite, if anything. She's figuring it all out, will figure it out, with grace. My trust in that is ironclad, as is my faith that she feels similarly about the way I handle my own life. That trust and that faith—that acceptance—removes a lot of stress, even during stressful times.

 

I say all that to give a sense of what acceptance is. It's not a mental exercise or something that requires an exertion of effort, but more of an extension of chemistry. If my girlfriend made different choices, or had different political views, or longed to move to the suburbs, or whatever, I would struggle to accept her. As a human, sure I'd accept her. As a partner, less so. But as someone who does not want to exist in a state of frustration or judgement, that would mean she wasn't the right partner for me.

 

Maybe give yourself some time to ask a deceptively simple question: Can you accept this woman, truly, in the form she is in right now? Don't rush to answer it, or see the question as a verdict on you, your masculinity or humanity. Think of it more like considering a move, whether the culture and climate of another world is one you can be at home in. There are no wrong answers, only honest ones.

[boltnrun]

What I am trying to say in my post was that if it bothers her so much to watch her brothers kid and or having to do things for her mom then she should speak up.

 

She would vent to me and complain on how lazy her siblings are but I cannot do anything about it except offer advice.

 

I don't expect her to change who she is but if she is overwhelmed by all the caretaking then she just needs to be upfront to her family and ask for help.

 

All this is more of "if she did things MY way it would be much better".

 

So, you don't seem to be able to let go of the "shoulds".

 

That doesn't bode well for you being to be able to accept her choices.

[Jimbo251]

I am not telling her what to do I am just expressing concern for a matter in which she asked my advice on.

 

I hate to see her stressed out. I know how stressful it could be when a parent is sick and I am an only child so I have to do a little extra to help out.

 

She has two other siblings and they both live off of their parents and I can see her frustration as when she asks for help and they don't respond.

[bluecastle]

She has two other siblings and they both live off of their parents and I can see her frustration as when she asks for help and they don't respond.

 

Can you "see" her frustration without seeing it as something to solve, something to become frustrated about yourself, or something that is an impediment to your relationship? Can you give her advice without her needing to take all of it, or any of it? These, I think, are questions worth asking.

 

It's kind of the difference between listening and prescribing, supporting them not by fixing a situation but having faith that they are capable of handling it, as they see fit.

[reinventmyself]

If you look at it closely, this is a situation you don't like and you are trying to figure out a way to change it or control it.

 

Unfortunately in this case, for someone to make a change, the desire needs to come from within and not from an outside source telling them how to do it and giving advise on how they are doing it all wrong.

 

She is acting out of loyalty for her family. It may uncomfortable for her at times, life often is.

But unless she begins to see it differently - for herself - and not because you said so, this is how she feels she needs to handle her family affairs.

[Jimbo251]

I hear what you are saying. I just feel like I am taking the grunt of her frustration by her saying comments about how great a father I am as in the way of bragging and I have never said anything at all like this.

 

I will just give her the space she needs and wants and if she does not want to be with me then I will be on my way and just focus on my own happiness.

[reinventmyself]

I hear what you are saying. I just feel like I am taking the grunt of her frustration by her saying comments about how great a father I am as in the way of bragging and I have never said anything at all like this.

 

I will just give her the space she needs and wants and if she does not want to be with me then I will be on my way and just focus on my own happiness.

 

sounds like a plan

[Jimbo251]

I am really surprised my girlfriend called me and said to me that she was not acting right on Sunday and said she was stressed out on a lot of things.

 

I said to her "I understand" and that I am always here for her when she needs me.

 

I don't want to lose her but we need to have a good long talk tonight on how we both can improve our insecurities and be more of a team.

 

I am very happy though and will always remember the advice everyone on here has given me.

[greendots]

Jimbo, it's good to read that you guys are sorting it out. I wish you the best!

[Jimbo251]

I really feel bad as her dad lost his battle with cancer on Friday. Today was the wake and tomorrow is the mass.