Nervous about phone call to “catch up” with ex

[Plntldy22]

I’ve taken a lot of heat for wanting to engage and reconcile with an ex that “doesn’t see a future with me.” I constantly feel like I’m torn between what seems logical if I remove myself from my situation and analyze as an outsider vs what I feel if I think about what I experienced and what I shared with this person. I’m in my 30s.. I’ve had a few serious relationships throughout my adulthood and am relatively aware of my own individual feelings (even if I have a hard time outwardly expressing them with those who need to hear them). When making decisions however, I’ve always been someone that struggles between acting based on emotions and acting based on logic. I’m sure my previous posts have not been a reflection of this, but I usually gravitate more towards the “logical side” and repress however I’m feeling and just shove it away. Even when there are times that I want to take the emotional decision route, I talk myself out of it, deciding that ultimately it doesn’t matter how I “feel” about something, that I still need to do what seems right based on some sort of predefined set of standards. I write all my feelings in journals (or in this case here) to let myself sort things out, but that’s the end.. I know that this has led me to be portrayed as indifferent in multiple scenarios in my personal life and I’ve missed out on things because of it.

 

I don’t think love is logical.. and I don’t think it has some pre-defined route that works for everyone. It’s not a one size fits all and it’s different for each person and each situation. I’ve never truly fought for love. I’ve walked away from all past relationships and let them be, regardless of whether or not I ended them. I could never force someone to be with me and I also know I couldn’t stand to be with someone who stays out of obligation. I’ve had a relationship that continued out of comfort in the past and even though we didn’t dislike each other, it was still miserable in its own right.

 

I know it’s impossible to know how someone else is feeling without them communicating it.. and when they say something to you about how they feel, you should take their words at face value. That being said though, I refuse to believe that what I was/am still feeling was 100% one sided. I don’t think I could have gotten to where I am with my feelings if I did not feel like they were reciprocated. This then leads me back to the spot where I’m pulled in two directions - the believe what they said (logic) or believe what I felt (emotion). Ironically when I’m faced with my internal dilemma of logic vs emotion, it’s of course the first time I’ve ever genuinely wanted to fight for love.

 

This breakup has been terrible for me.. not because of cheating or because he’s been cruel, but because my feelings have been out of control. I was blindsided, dealt with a break because I felt like it was my only option to save the relationship, had to navigate going to work where I had to see/hear him everyday when I was feeling sad, discovered that he made an OLD profile a week after we officially parted ways (even though I’m not sure he’s ever actually gone on any date). I tried to do no contact and caved. I know I’ve confused myself more because of doing so.. especially when he actively engages in conversation and reaches out to talk about things we enjoyed together. I’ve tried to back off and have limited our talking to once every week or two.

 

Yesterday was his last day at work which brought up a lot of feelings for me. He said that he had planned on coming by my desk to say goodbye, but forgot I had taken the day off for the holidays. I ended up telling him that realistically it was good I wasn’t there. I wouldn’t have been able to keep my composure. For me it isn’t just saying goodbye to a co-worker, it feels like saying goodbye to him forever all over again. I told him I still missed him a lot.. which is really the first emotional thing I’ve said since we have resumed occasionally talking.

 

He ended up responding saying he’d miss me a lot at work and that he missed me outside of work too. He said he knew everything was still early and still fresh, but that if I was ever up to meeting for dinner or even talking on the phone that it’d be nice to catch up. As much as I’d like to see him.. I can’t right now. I ended up declining in person, saying I don’t think I could handle that right now, but that I could maybe talk on the phone. He wants to do so after Christmas.

 

I’m already anticipating that everyone is going to say this is just him making a nice gesture and trying to be my friend. I also know though, that if I want any chance of us working out in the long run, I have to be able to put myself out there and engage with him. I don’t think an ex is going to just show up on my doorstep and beg for me back because I refused to talk to them. We’ve both previously acknowledged that we struggle to talk about feelings and I think the only way this is ever going to get better is if we talk. Maybe he’s not going to fall in love with me just because of a phone call, but I also can’t turn down the possibility that maybe we could reconnect on an emotional level if I try.

 

I’m not sure I know what to expect - I’m guessing he will just want to talk about what’s going on in our lives, nothing serious. Anyone have any experience with re-engaging with an ex in this capacity?

 

Sorry this was so long winded - I think maybe more than anything I needed somewhere to put my feelings.

[Wiseman2]

Enjoy the holidays with friends and family. Use this time to catch up with all of them. Redo your social media. Make some New Year resolutions. Join some clubs and groups. Volunteer. Take some classes and courses. Improve your job prospects. Update your look new clothes, hair, get in shape etc. Do all this for you. make new friends and reestablish connections with old friends. Do not keep cycling in casual zone with him. That's all he ever wanted and accepting a pity date is unwise. You hope he will have an epiphany and present a diamond ring? No, he is on dating apps already. Pull your self respect together and block and delete this guy.

[Hollyj]

I think you need to ask yourself what you will gain from being in contact? The only thing I see is pain.

 

I read your history, and it seems that he does not see a future with you. I'm sorry, but to drag this out will be soul destroying. You need to go no contact and move on. Tell him, then block and delete.

 

There is no future with this man. If he has not fallen in love at this point, he never will.

[Hollyj]

I did something similar. I only ended up feeling more hurt and devalued by someone who did not want to be with me. That's on me. If I could go back, I would have blocked him from my life.

 

You also need to address why you would want a man who does not love you? How would you advise a friend?

[limichelle]

Hi OP,

 

I did this and it caused more pain then good. With reaching out to my ex, I never got closure, I never rediscovered an emotional connection. All I got was the harsh reality I had been avoiding. The fact he and I could no longer be no matter what circumstances.

 

I think you already know you can’t persuade him and his mind is made up. The truth is since you know this, the irrational part of your thinking,is holding out for a sliver of hope.

 

I think you need to move on completely and keep it as a professional relationship. You know you can never just be his friend.

 

To heal you’re going to need to cut him out of your personal life.

 

Sounds harsh but it’s for the best

[bluecastle]

I agree with the general sentiment expressed by others.

 

I do know what you're going through, in ways, as I'm someone who has felt some very strong feelings for exes, specifically the one of my three big relationships who ended it "out of the blue," which I'll put in quotes because that's just how it felt to me while being a considered choice of her's. It's almost inevitable, the immediate longing, and very human. It's pain management, really, a way of keeping the sharpest edge of what's happening at bay. It's also not, I don't think, a feeling to indulge so much as observe and let pass, as it will in time.

 

What I remind myself of, for whatever it's worth? If the relationship was meant to be you wouldn't be thinking of all the "if only"s and "what if"s. You'd just be in it. For me, that's a line of thinking I can't outthink without feeling like a liar. Those thoughts and feelings are kind of the aftershock of the earthquake, in other words, not evidence that the quake is false, temporary, an illusion, and so on. However you want to dice it, your head and heart are very much aligned in processing the loss. Admitting that just isn't easy.

 

You were together a year, never expressed love, and now he has ended it, is very clearly moving forward: on dating apps, giving you zero hints that he regrets his choice or is reconsidering things. If you have any respect for him as a human, you have to respect that, and by extension respect yourself. So I'd really listen to all that right now, rather than try to create a different story, which I think is what's behind these instincts.

 

That's the ego, at the end of the day, the little storyteller in our brain that goes into overdrive when we're feeling uncertain and hurt. I can only speak for myself, but I've always wanted romantic connections that are bigger than stories my brain can produce, not dependent on them. It's the difference between connections forged in the heart and those that require the ego to be or feel "real." My ego has tried to convince me to do a lot of pretty wild tings to get someone back, and stop the pain, but I'm glad that my head—and, really, my heart—has been able to stand it down more often than not.

 

That you are so certain of the power of this love only once it's gone, and that when together you guys did not express big feelings—well, I would allow yourself a moment to reflect on that. To me that is a rocket that only ever had so much fuel, a connection that had some corrosion in the pipes. What you ultimately want—those big feelings inside a relationship, not in the wake, and shared with someone—is just not what this is, or was. You can try to force it, if you need to, but I suspect what you'll get in the end is some more hurt in order to accept what you're fighting right now.

 

It's a romantic concept, the business of "fighting for love." Most of the time, however, I think what people are fighting for most is a way to avoid pain. I'd give yourself a minute to ask if that resonates.

[irka000]

Believe me, I know how you are feeling. I am exactly in the same boat. Trust me, the only thing that will help you is if you will create a distance. Serious no contact.

He should not know how this break up affects you so much. Why would you give him such power ? Why making him sure that he can take a time out and return whenever he may wish. He knows exactly how you feel about him. Why would he rush to return ? He knows you are right there, missing him badly.

My head was spinning when me and my ex were ending. I was slightly in a panick mode. To a point I could not breath ....my bf also never told me he loved me....anyway, for my own sanity, I decided to cut contact. He ended things but got in touch a few times since. I cut it contact and although I think about him still, I feel so much calmer. I feel so much better for it.

I feel like I got some power back.

Don't engage with him. Don't call and catch up. You will feel more pain , he will feel less guilty and he will move on from you much quicker.

I know it is hard. But by being in touch , even from time to time , you will be just hurting yourself.

Stay strong !

[RayRay63]

I constantly feel like I’m torn between what seems logical if I remove myself from my situation and analyze as an outsider vs what I feel if I think about what I experienced and what I shared

 

When making decisions however, I’ve always been someone that struggles between acting based on emotions and acting based on logic.

 

Even when there are times that I want to take the emotional decision route, I talk myself out of it, deciding that ultimately it doesn’t matter how I “feel” about something, that I still need to do what seems right based on some sort of predefined set of standards.

 

I don’t think love is logical.. and I don’t think it has some pre-defined route that works for everyone.

 

I refuse to believe that what I was/am still feeling was 100% one sided.

 

it’s of course the first time I’ve ever genuinely wanted to fight for love.

 

ALL OF THE ABOVE SOUNDS LIKE YOU TRYING TO JUSITFY TO YOURSELF NOT DOING WHAT PEOPLE HAVE ADVISED, BECAUSE... SEE POINT BELOW ABOUT HOPE

 

. I tried to do no contact and caved. .

 

Yesterday was his last day at work which brought up a lot of feelings for me.

 

He ended up responding saying he’d miss me a lot at work and that he missed me outside of work too. He said he knew everything was still early and still fresh, but that if I was ever up to meeting for dinner or even talking on the phone that it’d be nice to catch up. As much as I’d like to see him.. I can’t right now. I ended up declining in person, saying I don’t think I could handle that right now, but that I could maybe talk on the phone. He wants to do so after Christmas.

 

I’m already anticipating that everyone is going to say this is just him making a nice gesture and trying to be my friend.

 

OP - THIS FRIENDZONE STUFF - IT WILL HELP HIM GET OVER IT AND VALIDATE HIS DECISION

 

I... can’t turn down the possibility that maybe we could reconnect on an emotional level if I try.

 

I’m not sure I know what to expect - I’m guessing he will just want to talk about what’s going on in our lives, nothing serious.

 

IF YOU DO THIS YOU WILL BE NOTHING BUT A FRIEND AND YOU DON'T COME BACK FROM THERE

 

THIS IS BECAUSE YOU ARE HANGING ON TO FALSE HOPE THAT IF YOU STAY IN HIS ORBIT HE WILL HAVE SOME SORT OF ROAD TO DAMASCUS REVELATION

 

WHAT WILL YOU DO WHEN HE ASKS YOU ABOUT SOMETHING GOING ON IN HIS NEW RELATIONSHIP WITH A NEW GIRL?

 

ANSWER - GET HURT ALL OVER AGAIN

 

 

Trying to be friends with the ex, to get them back, does not work.

 

It has the opposite effect. You help them through the break-up and to move on.

 

You need to do no contact properly, so the ex can feel some separation anxiety.

 

The best hope of getting his attention is to withdraw yours.

[HeartAce]

You are partly correct. And also others giving you advice here are partly correct.

 

You've not been detached for nearly long enough. A few weeks is nothing. To find out if there is ANY chance of reconciliation at all, you both need space. Respect him by giving him the space. And also respect yourself by giving yourself (and demanding) this space. This is the only way for BOTH of you to understand if anything is meant to be between the two of you.

 

No contact may not be the only method but it is tried and works. It will help you clear your head, work on yourself and actually get you self-respect back. This is very important. It will also help your ex to experience what life is without you. This is absolutely essential. He will find that he actually wants you in his life. Or he won't. But you cannot decide this for him. All you can do is to help him realize what he wants.

 

You are correct in that for any potential reconciliation, you will need to engage in some form of contact. But the time is not now. First things first. If, after a FEW MONTHS of no contact, he still wants to see you and talk to you, and you are still interested in what he has to say, there may be your chance.

 

Ask for space. In your own interest. If he's a guy of any value, he will give you that space and he will NOT forget you. If he's not... well, you deserve more.

 

Stay strong, keep focused (on yourself). You are partly correct. And also others giving you advice here are partly correct.

 

You've not been detached for nearly long enough. A few weeks is nothing. To find out if there is ANY chance of reconciliation at all, you both need space. Respect him by giving him the space. And also respect yourself by giving yourself (and demanding) this space. This is the only way for BOTH of you to understand if anything is meant to be between the two of you.

 

No contact may not be the only method but it is tried and works. It will help you clear your head, work on yourself and actually get you self-respect back. This is very important. It will also help your ex to experience what life is without you. This is absolutely essential. He will find that he actually wants you in his life. Or he won't. But you cannot decide this for him. All you can do is to help him realize what he wants.

 

You are correct in that for any potential reconciliation, you will need to engage in some form of contact. But the time is not now. First things first. If, after a FEW MONTHS of no contact, he still wants to see you and talk to you, and you are still interested in what he has to say, there may be your chance.

 

Ask for space. In your own interest. If he's a guy of any value, he will give you that space and he will NOT forget you. If he's not... well, you deserve more.

 

Stay strong, keep focused (on yourself). I wish you the best.

[reinventmyself]

I also know though, that if I want any chance of us working out in the long run, I have to be able to put myself out there and engage with him.

.

^^This is the little voice that will lead you down the wrong path. No, you don't have to endure engaging someone who just tossed you away in order for them to want you back.

 

The opposite is true. He will respect you for saying no. He will respect you for having the strength to put yourself first and do what you need to do to take care of yourself.

 

There's no motivation to return if you agree to be his friend in the meantime and help him ease himself away with idle phone calls or dinner to `catch up'

 

Remember, he decided to lose you to begin with. If he changes his mind he knows where to find you.

[abitbroken]

You seem to think emotions and logic are polar opposites and your logical side means you can't feel. Nope, you are free to cry, punch a pillow, etc, and be emotional, but logic is what prevents you from more emotional harm.

 

This then leads me back to the spot where I’m pulled in two directions - the believe what they said (logic) or believe what I felt (emotion). Ironically when I’m faced with my internal dilemma of logic vs emotion, it’s of course the first time I’ve ever genuinely wanted to fight for love.

 

if someone says they don't want to be with you anymore, how does being in denial serve you?

 

He could have had feelings for you, but they were not strong enough to stay together or you were way more invested than he was to begin with.

 

We’ve both previously acknowledged that we struggle to talk about feelings and I think the only way this is ever going to get better is if we talk.

 

if two people struggle to talk, the answer is not more talking. It may be that you two just don't mesh as a couple and are not a match.

There are also more women who want to talk about and rehash feelings and emotions more than men do.

[RayRay63]

And also others giving you advice here are partly correct.

 

Which bits do you say are not correct?

 

I have to say your advice looks the same as everybody else's, except you haven't spelt out that no contact is forever from the dumpee.

[HeartAce]

Which bits do you say are not correct?

 

I have to say your advice looks the same as everybody else's, except you haven't spelt out that no contact is forever from the dumpee.

 

I am not a proponent of all the block, delete and stab in the neck stuff. Also, forever is a very long time by any standard. So, no contact is indefinite but not necessarily forever. It may turn out to be the same thing eventually but the two have a different meaning and different consequences.

[Wiseman2]

That's too bad because it's a gift to and investment in yourself to reflect in peace, regroup and heal. Staying in touch is messy.

I am not a proponent of all the block, delete stuff.

[RayRay63]

I am not a proponent of all the ....and stab in the neck stuff..

 

That is a classic strawman argument.

 

None of us are advocating it for that purpose. It is about the dumpee healing, not some revenge or game playing.

 

Further, if you advocating that a dumpee should ever contact a dumper, without the latter initiating, you are telling people to go and get hurt all over again.

 

So I hope they don't take your advice.

[HeartAce]

I don't mean to argue here. Not with people who have evidently put more effort in helping others than I will ever be able to.

 

My opinion, though, is that self-preservation is one thing - and this is where no contact works 100%. Rebuilding, improving, moving forward.

I would also not recommend dumpees to contact the dumper unless the dumper initiates first.

 

Where I dare disagree is that complete blocking, ignoring and no-contact-forever-attitude is more an act of fear than self-preservation. It's like taking one's fear and locking it in a box never to open. I don't see this as a good way to handle fear.

[RayRay63]

 

Where I dare disagree is that complete blocking, ignoring and no-contact-forever-attitude is more an act of fear than self-preservation.

 

In your thread here https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=561373 you told us you were going to keep up contact with your ex, and proceeded to use brief periods of NC and contact with her to play mind games.

 

You also told us that when you put your mind to something you succeeded, and you would get her back.

 

As those watching your thread told you, all that game playing and over analyzing did was put you in the friendzone, keep you obsessed with her every contact, and reliving the pain.

 

Did she come back to you?

[HeartAce]

In your thread here https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=561373 you told us you were going to keep up contact with your ex, and proceeded to use brief periods of NC and contact with her to play mind games.

 

You also told us that when you put your mind to something you succeeded, and you would get her back.

 

As those watching your thread told you, all that game playing and over analyzing did was put you in the friendzone, keep you obsessed with her every contact, and reliving the pain.

 

Did she come back to you?

 

I would not advise others to follow my own example. This suited my own situation, my mind-set and our relationship.

I will keep that question unanswered for now. I will update my thread in due course.

[RayRay63]

Does that mean you sent her a happy Xmas, but haven't got a response yet?

[abitbroken]

I am not a proponent of all the block, delete and stab in the neck stuff. Also, forever is a very long time by any standard. So, no contact is indefinite but not necessarily forever. It may turn out to be the same thing eventually but the two have a different meaning and different consequences.

 

There are a few billion people in the world. if you obsess about one person who does NOT want to hear from you, you will never meet the next person who may be the love of your life, but doesn't have a relationship with you because you are waiting for your ex to be friends with you. BTW, what about your current wife? How does she feel about you being obsessed with having the friendship of another woman

[HeartAce]

There are a few billion people in the world. if you obsess about one person who does NOT want to hear from you, you will never meet the next person who may be the love of your life, but doesn't have a relationship with you because you are waiting for your ex to be friends with you. BTW, what about your current wife? How does she feel about you being obsessed with having the friendship of another woman

 

I agree that obsessing over someone who does not want to hear from you would not be good.

 

As for your question, I don't have a wife, so can't really tell.