Jump to content

Plntldy22

Members
  • Posts

    8
  • Joined

Plntldy22's Achievements

Apprentice

Apprentice (3/14)

  • First Post
  • Conversation Starter
  • Week One Done
  • One Month Later
  • One Year In

Recent Badges

1

Reputation

  1. I've had so many feelings over the last few months that I just haven't been able to turn off. Some of them have been things that I've never felt before. There's days that I feel so pathetic that I let someone shatter me like this.. that I can't seem to pick up the pieces and move forward like I have in the past. I know some of you have read my earlier posts - I went on an ill advised break which of course did not end in a reconciliation. I felt like I had to do the break to give us a fighting chance.. and now i constantly think about how maybe it would have turned out differently if I had said no and let him have the shock of being without me, rather than a few weeks to get use to us being apart. In the end, we cried together.. I told him I loved him and he told me he still wasn't sure he saw a future with us. It's been about three months since it all began (three weeks break and two months officially broken up). I've always struggled with being forth-coming with feelings to the people who need to hear them.. I probably waited until it was too late to tell him how I really felt. When we broke up I sobbed.. I felt so embarrassed but he just stood there and held me. It made me sob more, realizing that after this, that was it.. he was gone. He pretty much left me crying on my doorstep.. i saw him sit in the car for awhile before he drove away from the window. I've probably cried 95% of the days since then and I can't seem to stop. That day, I told him I couldn't be friends with him, that it hurt too much. I lasted about three weeks without talking to him. I should have went longer, but it was so hard.. he was my best friend and my home. When I first reached out to him he responded very positively to me.. I figured though that he would be kind. He's a great person. Still though, i thought there was a chance he might not say anything at all. I kept trying to back off.. I didn't want to seem desperate, but there was (still is) a part of me that just can't imagine my world without him. We talked for a few days but gradually I restricted it to maybe once every week or two. A couple times I reached out to him, a couple times he reached out to me. We continued this until right before Christmas.. We worked together until the week right before Christmas. He had a going away party that I wasn't invited to which was expected. Seeing all the pictures of my work friends with him, knowing that I might not ever see him again crushed me. I walked by his car on the way home the last Friday we worked together and just lost it. I felt like I had been doing slightly better and it just started it all over again. He worked that Monday after, but I had taken the day off.. I guess he had planned to come say goodbye. We talked for awhile via text about how I couldn't say goodbye like that, that it was too hard. It was more than just saying goodbye to a work friend for me. It felt like I would be saying goodbye to him forever. I told him I still missed him a lot and he told me he would miss me at work too, that he missed me outside of work as well. He asked if he could meet for a meal or even talk on the phone sometime to catch up. I denied the meal, saying it would be too hard but that maybe we could talk on the phone. I didn't really think he'd go through with it. We talked a few times over the next few days and the day after Christmas he texted me asking if he could call me. I just couldn't say no. We talked for two hours. Not about anything of importance, mainly what had been going on in his life and how our holidays were. I spent the whole time pretending like I was okay. It was so relieving to hear his voice that I just couldn't ruin that. It felt like I had him back for two hours. I don't know what I thought would happen after that, but I know there was a part of me that wanted him to realize how much he missed me and needed me too. We talked for a couple days after, but again.. I tried to back off because I didn't want to overwhelm him or seem desperate. He started a new job beginning of January and I reached out a couple days after he started to see how it was going. He felt distant in a way that he hadn't before. I kind of let it go.. thought maybe I was over analyzing. I decided on Saturday though that it was time to be honest about how I was feeling. I've been working with a therapist on improving my communication and I felt like I had to try to be authentic. No more hiding behind some facade acting like I'm fine when I'm not. I needed to do it for me, not because I needed a response from him, but because I felt like I couldn't keep essentially lying. I sent a pretty lengthy text.. I was forth coming about saying I'm trying to work on communicating to people that I care about. I told him he didn't have to say anything back, but I just needed to tell him. I told him how hard it was for me to talk to him on the phone.. that I was pretending like I was okay because I wanted to hear his voice. That I love him and miss him.. that so many things remind me of him. I acknowledged that I've had a lot of false hope and that as time passes and his feelings don't change, maybe i need to give that up, but I feel very stuck and don't know how. I told him I sensed he was being distant and sort of got the impression that he was seeing someone else now. In the end I wrapped up it by acknowledging again that I didn't expect a reply.. Just that I wanted him to know that I love him and miss him and if he ever changes his mind, that I'm here.. and if not, that's okay too. I think I didn't want him to respond back. I think I just wanted to be able to have my feelings. I know he struggles communicating feelings sometimes, especially via text.. so I thought maybe he just wouldn't say anything, especially if he really is trying to date someone else. A day later I got a reply. It didn't feel like him anymore. it seemed very rehearsed and robotic and not like the person I fell in love with.. not even like the person that talked to me on the phone after christmas or the person that texted me two weeks before. He said he was glad i was able to express how i was feeling and that he was sorry to hear that i'm still struggling. That he still cares about me and doesn't like knowing i'm upset. He then proceeded to tell me that my impression is correct and something "sparked up out of the blue" with someone else I work with. He said he knew it would be hard for me to hear, but felt like he needed to be honest with me and didn't want me to hear it through the work grapevine. He wrapped it up with telling me I'm a great girl and he knows i will find someone that will make me as happy as I deserve if I get back out there followed by acknowledging that I said that I didn't think i could work towards a friendship, but that he would always be open and accepting of me reaching out if I ever need anything. I know there was no response I was going to like outside of "i love you and want to get back together," but there was just something about his tone and what he chose to say that I didn't like. I can't decide if it was immature of me or not, but I decided to just not respond back. There's nothing I can say to make him drop this new person and take me back.. I already told him i loved him and I was here if he changed his mind. I just wish he could have picked someone else that I didn't have to see everyday. I genuinely don't think anything was going on with them when we were together.. or even the first two months after the break started. I'm fairly certain she was in a long term relationship until mid - December. It doesn't make it hurt any less though. I already hurt.. and now I have to see her everyday and be reminded of what I lost. I know I shouldn't be compare myself to her or criticize her, but it's hard when it's so in my face. She's not anyone I would have ever anticipated him pursuing - she's very plain and on the surface doesn't exhibit much personality. Every time I see her I can't imagine what they possibly have in common or what their connection was that brought them together. I suspect they connected at his going away party.. maybe their commonality is that they're both just coming out of long term relationships. I guess it doesn't matter though - I'm probably not suppose to understand. Even then though - why can't I walk away from this? I find myself still fixating, hoping she's a rebound and it will just take him seeing that the grass isn't greener to realize that he was wrong. I'm giving him space. I still haven't said anything back to him and don't think I plan to anytime soon. I've had multiple LTR adult relationships that have obviously ended, but I have never been so attached before and so unable to walk away. In the past I've grieved for a few weeks and then was able to pick up the pieces and move on. This time is different. He's the only person that I've ever imagined my future with.. that I day dream about and imagine our life 10-20 years from now. He made me feel like me, he made me feel safe and loved in a way that I never experienced.. in a way that felt unconditional. It's so hard to turn my back on that, to give up hope that we could have the future I wanted for us. I don't know if I can stop loving him or wanting him.
  2. I’ve taken a lot of heat for wanting to engage and reconcile with an ex that “doesn’t see a future with me.” I constantly feel like I’m torn between what seems logical if I remove myself from my situation and analyze as an outsider vs what I feel if I think about what I experienced and what I shared with this person. I’m in my 30s.. I’ve had a few serious relationships throughout my adulthood and am relatively aware of my own individual feelings (even if I have a hard time outwardly expressing them with those who need to hear them). When making decisions however, I’ve always been someone that struggles between acting based on emotions and acting based on logic. I’m sure my previous posts have not been a reflection of this, but I usually gravitate more towards the “logical side” and repress however I’m feeling and just shove it away. Even when there are times that I want to take the emotional decision route, I talk myself out of it, deciding that ultimately it doesn’t matter how I “feel” about something, that I still need to do what seems right based on some sort of predefined set of standards. I write all my feelings in journals (or in this case here) to let myself sort things out, but that’s the end.. I know that this has led me to be portrayed as indifferent in multiple scenarios in my personal life and I’ve missed out on things because of it. I don’t think love is logical.. and I don’t think it has some pre-defined route that works for everyone. It’s not a one size fits all and it’s different for each person and each situation. I’ve never truly fought for love. I’ve walked away from all past relationships and let them be, regardless of whether or not I ended them. I could never force someone to be with me and I also know I couldn’t stand to be with someone who stays out of obligation. I’ve had a relationship that continued out of comfort in the past and even though we didn’t dislike each other, it was still miserable in its own right. I know it’s impossible to know how someone else is feeling without them communicating it.. and when they say something to you about how they feel, you should take their words at face value. That being said though, I refuse to believe that what I was/am still feeling was 100% one sided. I don’t think I could have gotten to where I am with my feelings if I did not feel like they were reciprocated. This then leads me back to the spot where I’m pulled in two directions - the believe what they said (logic) or believe what I felt (emotion). Ironically when I’m faced with my internal dilemma of logic vs emotion, it’s of course the first time I’ve ever genuinely wanted to fight for love. This breakup has been terrible for me.. not because of cheating or because he’s been cruel, but because my feelings have been out of control. I was blindsided, dealt with a break because I felt like it was my only option to save the relationship, had to navigate going to work where I had to see/hear him everyday when I was feeling sad, discovered that he made an OLD profile a week after we officially parted ways (even though I’m not sure he’s ever actually gone on any date). I tried to do no contact and caved. I know I’ve confused myself more because of doing so.. especially when he actively engages in conversation and reaches out to talk about things we enjoyed together. I’ve tried to back off and have limited our talking to once every week or two. Yesterday was his last day at work which brought up a lot of feelings for me. He said that he had planned on coming by my desk to say goodbye, but forgot I had taken the day off for the holidays. I ended up telling him that realistically it was good I wasn’t there. I wouldn’t have been able to keep my composure. For me it isn’t just saying goodbye to a co-worker, it feels like saying goodbye to him forever all over again. I told him I still missed him a lot.. which is really the first emotional thing I’ve said since we have resumed occasionally talking. He ended up responding saying he’d miss me a lot at work and that he missed me outside of work too. He said he knew everything was still early and still fresh, but that if I was ever up to meeting for dinner or even talking on the phone that it’d be nice to catch up. As much as I’d like to see him.. I can’t right now. I ended up declining in person, saying I don’t think I could handle that right now, but that I could maybe talk on the phone. He wants to do so after Christmas. I’m already anticipating that everyone is going to say this is just him making a nice gesture and trying to be my friend. I also know though, that if I want any chance of us working out in the long run, I have to be able to put myself out there and engage with him. I don’t think an ex is going to just show up on my doorstep and beg for me back because I refused to talk to them. We’ve both previously acknowledged that we struggle to talk about feelings and I think the only way this is ever going to get better is if we talk. Maybe he’s not going to fall in love with me just because of a phone call, but I also can’t turn down the possibility that maybe we could reconnect on an emotional level if I try. I’m not sure I know what to expect - I’m guessing he will just want to talk about what’s going on in our lives, nothing serious. Anyone have any experience with re-engaging with an ex in this capacity? Sorry this was so long winded - I think maybe more than anything I needed somewhere to put my feelings.
  3. I reached out to my ex this weekend after two weeks of no contact.. I was having a very hard time with the fact that I specifically told him I could not talk to him anymore he day we finalized our breakup. I went into it very much anticipating no response. I had thought about it for days before I did it.. trying to make sure I would be okay when I didn’t hear anything back. I decided I was.. that knowing he was not reaching out specifically because he didn’t want to (not because of my request) would help me move forward. I took awhile trying to decide what I was going to say. I figured I didn’t have anything to gain from being emotional and I didn’t want to beg him to come back. I opted to send a funny video I had of his dog, said I just found it and thought he’d think it was funny. I followed it up by saying that I knew I said this was what I wanted, but I hated not talking. He ended up responding to me pretty positively.. commented on the video and said he hated not talking to me too, that it made him sad. He asked how my thanksgiving was and ended up telling me he got a new job. He said he wanted to tell me really bad, but didn’t want to bother me, followed by a sad face. Our conversation was a little awkward at first, but gradually became more natural. We talked about some random stuff and our texting continued from Saturday - Monday. It wasn’t constant.. sometimes a couple of hours in between response times, but he continued to be engaged and seemed to enjoy the conversation. His last text came through around 1130 pm Monday night, but I was sleeping. I decided to not respond this morning since it didn’t contain a question or necessarily warrant a response. I don’t want to seem like I’m desperate and even though I want him back, I still want to give him space. I guess at this point, I don’t know how to proceed. I want to resume the relationship, but I’m not sure what could have possibly changed on his end in terms of the breakup. He had previously said he didn’t see a future for us - I don’t think that would necessarily be different in two weeks. I guess overall it’s been more like 5 - we took a 3 week “break” before the final break up where we had limited contact and didn’t see each other at all in person. The thing is, I want to talk to him because I love him, but I also don’t want to get inadvertently friend zoned. I want him to remember why we were good together and the fun we had, but still give him space to figure out what he wants. I recognize that I run the risk of being devastated all over again if he doesn’t ultimately want to get back together. I’m just not sure how to navigate whatever this stage is and the contact we’re having now. I’ve never really wanted to resume a relationship with anyone before.
  4. Everyone seems convinced that no contact is always the right solution and I’m not sure this is the right path for me. I’ve been officially broken up with my ex boyfriend for a little over a week. When we parted ways, I told him I couldn’t talk to him anymore because it hurt too much. It seemed like the right path at the time and I’ve continued to stick with it, but the anxiety has been crippling for me. I can’t focus on moving forward because I’m so anxious about the fact that he might never reach out to me specifically because I told him not to. I’ve started to see a therapist to help with the anxiety and some other issues that have come up because of this.. more long term stuff that I should have dealt with a long time ago. During our conversation today, I’ve come to the conclusion that I have to reach out. The anxiety of feeling like he won’t reach out because I told him not to is far stronger than the anxiety I have about him not wanting to contact me again on his own accord. If he doesn’t respond, I’ll at least know he’s not contacting me because he doesn’t want to, not because of my wishes. I haven’t decided yet what I’m going to say, but I’m trying hard to work on being forth coming with how I feel and communicating it to the people it applies to. I’m not planning on reaching out regularly or even at all after, but I know that the only way I can even try to move forward is if I open it up again. I understand why some people just need to rip off the band aid and not speak again, but I just can’t. If I don’t admit that I hate not talking to him, the anxiety will destroy me before any hurt feelings about him not wanting me any longer.
  5. I haven’t contacted him since the day he left me on my doorstep crying after our final break up conversation. I’ve thought it’d make me feel better, but I still feel terrible. He hasn’t reached out to me, but I also asked him not to when he kept telling me he still wanted to be there for me. I told him it just hurt too much, that the problem isn’t that I don’t want to talk to him, it’s that I do want to more than anything.
  6. I guess I naively thought we could figure this out. I thought he was my person and maybe this was just something we needed to go through. Apparently I was wrong. It just hurts to realize that someone who was my world for over a year, views me as expendable.. and can just toss me to the side and not think twice.
  7. My ex boyfriend and I finalized our break up on Sunday. Prior to that, we had taken a few weeks apart because he was unsure of whether or not he saw a future with me. I’ve found the whole thing to be so confusing and terrible and despite the ending, I had always very much saw a future for us together. I wanted to believe that he got scared and panicked, that maybe we just needed time apart and me giving him space would help him realize the terrible mistake he was making. Today though, one of my friends sent me a screenshot of a profile he made on Facebook dating and I feel like I got hit by a freight train. One week??? He couldn’t even wait more than a week to try to move on from me? I want to be with him more than anything and this makes me feel like there’s no chance for that. He’s over and done and wiped away our year plus relationship like it didn’t even matter. How can someone move on so quickly? Why do I feel like I don’t matter at all to him?
  8. I (33F) just got dumped by my boyfriend (31M) of a little bit over a year. To give the situation context - we work together and he had pursued me. We committed to one another after about 4 months of dating. He was never hesitant to introduce me to his family and we hung out with his friends on a regular basis. He was the best person I’ve ever been with, always affectionate and available. I never questioned him or how he felt about me. I genuinely thought he loved me and that our future would fall into place. He was my best friend and my home. He had never told me he loved me, but I had been too scared to tell him too even though I knew I did. I was never scared because I didn’t believe he felt the same way.. I just felt like we’d both held off for so long that we sort of got stuck. I also come from a relatively troubled childhood that has caused me to be hesitant to openly talk about my feelings without being asked. I had planned on telling him on our 1 year, when we had made our relationship official. A few weeks ago he had went to visit his family across the state. Seemed like a normal trip, we talked the whole time he was gone. Sunday he came back and after an awkward call, he came by to tell me he needed to talk. I could tell he was upset. He said his parents had brought up his future plans.. asked if he planned on living with me and he didn’t have an answer. They encouraged him to talk to me about how he was feeling. He said he felt like after a year, that he should know that he wants those things with me. He also brought up a friends wedding we had just went to and how if he were up there he wouldn’t know what to say. I was in shock. I had no idea he felt that way. He’d never given me any reason to believe his feelings had changed. He seemed unsure, so I gave him a few weeks to figure it out. I had planned on minimal contact and while we talked significantly less, he continued to reach out to me almost everyday. I understand now why people say breaks are like a ty purgatory, but I love him and wanted to try to give him what I felt like he needed. I felt like the whole time I laid around feeling terrible and he spent time filling his days with stuff so he wouldn’t have to think about what happened. (Please don’t say he wanted to sleep with someone else. I’m very sure this was not the case). We came back this past weekend to talk. He said it was the first thing he thought about in the morning and the last thing before he went to bed. He brought up that wedding again. (Unrelated, the wedding thing makes me kind of angry because he focuses on their vows, but doesn’t know their story. The couple is good now, but they had at first broken up because one party was unsure and wanted to explore someone else. Iconic I guess). He said that he thought maybe in those three weeks apart, that our future would start to formulate for him, but that it didn’t. I didn’t think that was what the break was for. I’m not sure something like that could change in 3 weeks and I thought the intention was more of a “did we want to try to work on things and move forward”. I know I can’t force someone to love me, but the whole thing just feels so bad and wrong. I’ve had a few serious relationships.. and while the breakups hurt, I could always recognize faults in the person, as well as our relationship. I cried and was upset, but in the end I knew the decision was right, regardless of whether or not I was the dumper or the dumpee. This time doesn’t feel that way. It feels like we’re throwing away something so good. The way I feel about him is deep. I felt like we could always be our true selves around each other and I never wanted to change him. I trusted him with my entirety, He told me he still wanted to be there for me, but I told him I couldn’t talk to him anymore.. that it just hurt too much. It’s not that I don’t want to because I do, more than anything. It just hurts too much. So I guess I’m going no contact. I don’t know what else to do. I know it’s naive, but there’s part of me that hopes this will be the true break that he needs to figure out his stuff. I’m going to try to make it all the way through the holidays.. if at the end I feel like he’s still my future, I’ll consider reaching out. I know everyone’s first response is to say to that when someone says they don’t see a future with you, that it’s a sign to leave. But does anyone have any stories about a change of heart? Is there any hope at all that no contact will bring us back? Could he have panicked about weddings and the idea of moving in together? He’s over 30 and has never lived with a significant other.
×
×
  • Create New...