Lost a friend of 10 years...feel hurt and used

[Hollyj]

I think she's envious of your accomplishments and upcoming engagement and cannot deal. Being nice isn't the issue - take her words at face value. I know how disappointing and upsetting this must be and I'm sorry she chose to text rather than talk to you.

 

I agree!

 

This girl is not your friend, and hasn'r been for some time. You have more clarity as to who she is, and will soon be grateful she ended things- even if it was done in a lousy way.

[Hollyj]

Why do you have one good friend? Why aren't you making an effort to meet more people?

[Batya33]

I agree with others advise that relationships change, some grow, mature and some outgrow each other. I've lost a couple best friends along the way and it is a little concerning at the time but eventually you understand why.

 

I'm experiencing a slow fade of a best friend currently. It's been ongoing for about a year now. We have mutual friends and see other a couple times a month. You can tell there is tension but no one identifies what that is.

 

I can only speak for myself. I represent a lot of things this friend is unhappy about. I am in a good relationship and I am financially sound? She makes bad choices in men and money and doesn't take responsibility for it. These things happen `to' her. Not because of her. She can't be happy for me. . or for anyone for that matter.

 

She's easily agitated and abrupt .Her escalating negativity wears on me and the saying that is often repeated here: People move away from pain and towards pleasure, applies. It just all feels toxic at times.

 

It still makes me sad. It's still a loss nonetheless, but we are just not compatible. Not like before.

 

Interestingly enough. Her current sidekick is a mutual friend. K is as sweet as can be, selfless, patient people-pleaser. I try to be objective and it comes to me. I was K in another life. I say to myself. . It makes total sense, "K can carry G's purse now". I can't do it anymore. I understand why G doesn't seek me out any longer and I am good with that.

 

I am a similar age to you and OP -I also have gone through just this sort of thing recently. It becomes harder and harder to have a normal conversation because the negative person sees your comments through the lens of negativity and resentment.

[catfeeder]

But I could not help but notice that everytime I talked to my bf she looked like she was burning or itching to leave.

 

How often and how long were you talking to your BF at her birthday dinner?

[Rose Mosse]

I think it's bizarre that you consider this person a friend at all considering how little you think of her. She may feel that condescension from you. I don't think a lot of people would be able to tolerate that. It may also be why she's irritable around you and why her attitude towards you changed.

 

Somewhere along the way, whatever resentment you had against her built up and showed. She felt it coming from you and she did the best thing she could do without flipping out at you, cussing you, calling you names or arguing with you. She just wanted to go separate ways. I'd be respectful of her choice and even though you're hurt, she deserves to make that choice for herself especially if she's not happy around you.

[SherrySher]

Honestly, I think she was right in saying that you two are not connecting anymore and are on two different paths.

 

It happens. You outgrew one another.

 

There isn't an easy way to accept it. It will sting, you'll miss who she used to be to you and what your friendship used to be like.

But at the end of the day, you're not those people anymore and you can't force a friendship or force two people to get on when it's just not the same anymore.

 

Take time to mourn the friendship, but slowly let go.

That's all you can do.

[Cherylyn]

Mak2019, I could've written this. Your story parallels to my falling out with my cousin several years ago.

 

I've since discovered that it's very hard to have friendships with miserable people. They come with far too much baggage and will drag you down with them in a 'misery loves company' mindset. It's human nature.

 

If I'm unhappy, I've found that it's better to be with people who are also unhappy so we can support each other, relate and there's no jealousy nor envy to be had because we're both in the same miserable boat.

 

When I'm in a stable station in life, I tend to gravitate towards those who are extremely secure and our troubles are light such as my current state with my BFF.

 

People with problems and insecurities tend to lash out at you due to their loss of control in their lives, insecurity and misery. Hence, 'misery loves company.' They can't rise up to your level of happiness and security. Therefore, they'll drag you down by saying something snide and obnoxious. It's bound to happen sooner or later. Or, they're belligerent and anything you have good in your life is prone to attack whether verbally or written form. It is due to jealousy and deep seeded envy. No one likes the fact that you're happy, engaged and marching on the road to blissful security. They want to be happy, too and since they cannot at this time, they'll say something unkind in order to ruin your day and mood. Misery loves company! It's nothing I hadn't experienced before in my lifetime. Grow accustomed to this dark side of human nature.

 

It's better to have less friends than subpar friends. Friendships should be filled with utmost CONSISTENT, HABITUAL, MUTUAL respect, kindness and consideration always. This honorable behavior requires high emotional intelligence (EQ). Without EQ, ALL relationships are doomed for failure. Google "Emotional Intelligence." EQ makes or breaks all relationships and friendships.

 

If friendship lacks respect, there's something very wrong with this picture because this friendship is toxic and dysfunctional. In this case, you need to sever the friendship and go your separate ways. Do it mentally for your peace of mind. Either party must end it diplomatically. There's a way to part ways graciously and politely. Since your friend wished you well in life, take her hint, get her message loud and clear. She wishes to move on without you and you may not like it but you have to accept this is how life plays out. Not all friendships are made to last forever. (Same with some relationships and millions of marriages.) She's giving you a gift of priceless FREEDOM so by all means, take it! Never be shackled to a bad friend because you're wasting your time, energy and resources on a draining, wasteful, taxing human being.

 

Friends will come and go throughout your lifetime. Some are keepers while others need to be released in order for you to survive mentally.

 

Like you, I clung onto memories and good times. However, don't allow those memories and good times to cloud your judgment. Have a sense of logic and reason. Remember how you were disrespected time and time again. Don't be a saint. Good friends treat each other right. Bad friends become your unnecessary problems which defeats the purpose of having a sound, normal friendship in the first place. Friendships shouldn't be stressful and high maintenance. A great friendship which I have with my BFF is filled with love and respect. There are no ifs, ands nor buts about this. My BFF and I have healthy boundaries, too.

 

Letting go of things is a sign of forgiveness which is commendable. However, never confuse the word "forgive" with the word "forget." NOT forgetting is a harsh lesson learned and you'll realize that you cannot fully entrust certain friends or people. Trust meaning they're volatile and you know what they're capable of so you'll become wary and jaded which is to your benefit. Becoming a cautious person protects yourself. You learn to pick and choose friends wisely. Either they'll behave properly and honorably or they're OUT.

 

Many friendships run its course depending on what stage in life you're at. Some friendships endure while other friendships fizzle due to character differences. You have no control over that. You should feel relieved that certain people exit your life. You don't need to deal with drama.

 

Anytime you have to work so hard at a friendship or relationship means the relationship is not working. It's either there or it isn't. No relationship or friendship should turn into your project.

 

Your friend did you an enormous favor to end your friendship with her. You need to feel grateful for your own sake. Change the way you think. Good riddance!

 

Like you, I was super nice and caring towards my cousin. I gave her tons of my time, money, efforts, labor, gifts, handmade gifts, you name it, I did it and all of my investments into the friendship sorely backfired. It happens. You can't have a relationship when it isn't mutually kind. It simply will not and cannot work no matter how much you wish it. I've arrived at this conclusion years ago and you will, too ~ sooner!

 

Surround yourself with good, honorable, very decent moral people. Then you'll realize this is how happy, NORMAL people are. Happy, normal people avoid "red flag" type people. Take control of your life in a healthy way. Then you'll see the light and this will all make sense to you. Think long and hard. Do what makes sense.

[Billie28]

Billie28 I couldn't relate to her relationship issues yes I mentioned cause I am getting engaged, I am not in the dating phase anymore, I think this is her reasoning, but I said I have had heartache and said I CAN relate to her from those experiences!!!and thier are other issues she had in the resltionship that I couldn't relate to and I think many others might not relate to, I don't want to mention it on here, I tried to be a support though, it's more complex then what I just posted....

 

 

You don’t actually need to be able to relate in order to have empathy and discretion.

But instead you chose to tell her you are “planning” on getting engaged , can’t discuss it or reason it out with her because you are no longer in the dating phase. Will you tell your daughters that in the future?

 

So, if you’ve never had cancer and someone tells you they have do you tell them sorry I can’t relate because I’m so healthy but guess what I am running a marathon next week??

 

How did you “try” to support her when she told you about her issues within her relationship?

You say she ignored you and made mean comments but your comment was mean or at the very least insensitive.

 

I made legit comments and your reply was that they were dumb because you didn’t like my comments.

Is that how you treated your “friend”?

 

People ditch friends when they no longer get anything positive from them.

She was courteous enough to end it rather than ghost you.

I wouldn’t be surprised if a therapist told her to write that message.

 

What are you upset about? Exactly? What did you gain from the friendship with her?

What in your mind are you losing??

 

I’m not being rude. I’m asking a genuine question.

An honest answer would help!

[Cherylyn]

Your friendship with her required too much maintenance in order to keep it afloat.

 

I have overall normal friendships and a normal friendship with my BFF and this is how it should be. My friendships are mutually respectful and kind. We're very gracious and considerate of one another. This is how normal, enduring, happy friendships exist. Any other way is impractical and unnecessarily stressful which you do not need.

 

Some friends are true, lifelong keepers and you need to dump the rest. You can rid of certain undesirable people diplomatically, too. Since your friend wished you all the best, consider it a done deal and move on. Just remember to pick and choose high quality people in your life. Stay away from the rest of them. It's not rocket science.

[Wiseman2]

You didn't lose a friend. She just needs to back away from you and spend time with her other friends who she may have more in common with or understand her better. She may not want to hear you gloat about your bf right now.

 

Go out with your other friends and leave her alone. Maybe she will come around, maybe you've grown apart. You seem to have zero respect or fondness for her so why are you concerned? Life goes on.

it's just me and her on the trip and she did direct her rudeness, ignoring me and mean comments to me so yeah I'm going to think it's about me, what else will tell you someone is not feeling you, what a dumb thing to post!

[Jibralta]

So there were many other times in our friendship where I decided to let go of things she did as I felt they were small compared to how I valued our friendship, but just a text from her, especially her knowing what happened with the breakdown of the other firendship I had earlier in the year, I am shocked and am hurt but also weirdly happy and relieved which I did not expect to feel like that lol if you read all this, well I just had to vent and do let me know why you think she just texted that way, like what did she have pent up towards me, if anything do you think?

 

It sounds like she couldn't deal with her feelings of envy. It's sad to see a friendship dissolve like this, but at least you didn't turn into frienemies. It's actually kind of cool that she was mature enough to bow out. Glad you see the silver lining in it.

 

and why does being nice and caring for someone so much, usually backfire especially with close friends?

 

It's not that being nice and caring for someone backfires. It's just that most things, relationships included, have a shelf life. Circumstances change, and people change over time. We grow together and we grow apart. "Happily every after" is a fiction.

[Wiseman2]

People grow apart sometimes into acquaintances or classmates etc. This may be the case here. Hang out with your other friends and always leave room for new friends throughout life.