Bf split up suddenly out the blue after 6 years

[Cherylyn]

Thank you for all the kind words I'm just so devastated after all these years, I havent spoken to him in over a week now and i just want to message him but I know that's not the right thing to do he has made his mind up but I wonder if he is even upset or caring about the split

 

Thank you for your gracious words, LSL. I know you feel that you've wasted 6 years of your life and gave it your all. I've heard the same thing from women, too. No one enjoys being dumped and rejected. It is so painful to be unwanted and realize a man stopped short of giving his life to you and had no intentions to love you in the most honorable, sincere way.

 

Even though you do not see it today nor for a long time, someday you'll realize that he did you huge favor by releasing you, letting you go and not wanting you to waste your time on him anymore.

 

Don't message him. He wants to move on and his message to you is to do the same. Don't wonder if he's upset or cares about the split. He does NOT care about the split nor is he upset. He doesn't want anything to do with you because it was HIS decision to leave you. As painful as this is to accept, you need a cold, harsh reality check.

 

Many men are immature, not ready to settle down, don't want to be told what to do by a wife (not told but have expectations), don't want to feel tied down and prefer their freedom. They want to come and go as they please, not have to constantly answer up to a woman or wife, tired of endless electronic correspondence (texting) and they want to spend time with their friends often. They prefer to have 'free bird' status. They also fear huge monetary loss should there be a future divorce. To them, marriage is far too risky! They also know the seriousness of marriage from his parents or fears divorce from his parents. For many men, marriage is simply too daunting for them. Women want the white picket fence and security whereas men don't want to envision themselves as their father pushing a lawnmower on a Saturday afternoon.

 

He only loved you based upon conditions and convenience. When the true test of possibly spending his life with you with marriage, he bolted. In this regard, you need to both respect his decision and disrespect that he wasn't willing to give his entire life to you. Looking at the negatives will make you feel stronger and smarter.

 

In many ways, you need to look at the silver lining or this blessing in disguise. If a man is mismatched for you, it's better to dissolve the relationship now as opposed to enduring a nasty, very ugly, financially crippling divorce later. Look at it that way. He's preventing a lot of trouble for both of you later down the road.

 

Give yourself time to grieve, mourn the loss of your ex, your relationship and then gradually learn to appreciate starting fresh in your life. Savor your alone time and surround yourself with moral people. Your day in the sun will come again. Hang in there. Be strong, brave, tough and resilient.

 

Your ex wasn't meant to be. There is someone better than him who will treat you with respect and honor. Good things happen to those who wait as my mother used to say. Patience is key. In the meantime, immerse yourself into what you enjoy such as alone time, hobbies, sports, fitness, eat smart, read good books (from your local library), tap into your intellectual pursuits, be with honorable people and you will find peace from within.

[MirrorKnight]

Sorry that you are dealing with this OP, it must be very difficult.

 

Like Skeptic, I will give you a male perspective, maybe it will help. I broke up with my ex following an 18-month relationship, she also accused me of springing it on her “out of the blue” and misleading her, even though there were plenty of warning signs that things were not going well.

 

For a start, I had left the country to focus on my career, which clearly says that I valued my career over the relationship. I told her that although I cared for her a great deal and loved her, I did not think that we were compatible, and we were both unhappy… I even tried to break up with her once (but relented) before I actually did. It only came as a shock to her because she was in denial about all the warning signs, because she desperately wanted to hold on.

 

I do not know about your situation well enough to be able to determine what happened exactly. There may or may not be another woman involved, in my case, the answer was “yes and no”. He may or may not be hurting, in my case, “yes it was one of the most difficult things I have ever been through”. But in any case, if his mind is made up, does it really matter?

 

What difference would it make if there is another woman involved? What difference does it make if he is hurting? The fact is that he is gone from your life, there was most likely nothing you could have done about it. Maybe he is selfish and irresponsible, maybe he agonized over the decision and made a painful choice like me. But it does not change the fact that he is gone and he is not coming back, if he is kind that is. The worst thing he can do is to string you along and give you false hope.

 

I wish you all the best in your healing process.

[LSL]

I think I am hurting as he wasnt adult enough to talk to me about his concerns and not communicate and instead shower me with gifts on my birthday then the next day split up which I dont think is a nice thing to do with someone and the week before he done it he was showing me houses he liked. And he also told me he loved me so much so why then split, but to hear that he would rather be out doing other things than spend time with me breaks my heart

[MirrorKnight]

I think I am hurting as he wasnt adult enough to talk to me about his concerns and not communicate and instead shower me with gifts on my birthday then the next day split up which I dont think is a nice thing to do with someone and the week before he done it he was showing me houses he liked. And he also told me he loved me so much so why then split, but to hear that he would rather be out doing other things than spend time with me breaks my heart

 

It maybe that he is a coward and/or too immature to explain himself. It may also be the case that the explanation would cause unnecessary pain that he is trying to shield you from. For example, do you really want to hear that maybe he met somebody he liked more, or that he does not find you attractive anymore, or maybe he just wants to experience new people again. I'm not saying that any of those circumstances necessarily applies to you, but they could, and chances are there is no satisfactory reasons that he can give, at least none that are not hurtful. It is what it is.

[MissCanuck]

It may also be the case that the explanation would cause unnecessary pain that he is trying to shield you from. For example, do you really want to hear that maybe he met somebody he liked more, or that he does not find you attractive anymore, or maybe he just wants to experience new people again.

 

I was wondering the same thing.

 

I know it doesn't make it any easier to digest, OP, but trust that he is being honest that his feelings render this relationship untenable any longer.

[LSL]

I did ask him if he was still attracted to me and he said he was and I did ask him if there was anyone else and he said no he doesnt even speak to anyone else, which is even more confusing

[Wiseman2]

Are you living with your patents now? Why were you living with his parents rather than in an apt on your own? How did you get along with his parents? Unfortunately it sounds like you were incompatible but both chose to tune that out. You seem to disagree with his feelings. It seems like he cares but was honest that he hasn't been on board for a while,although you may have tuned that out. There is no good time to end it so stop focusing on your birthday. He needed to end things before a commitment like buying a house.

 

You're understandably hurt and angry, but this was not a conspiracy. It sounds like he didn't want to end it before your birthday because of the over-the=top fanfare you caused for his. In a way you were in the relationship alone for quite sometime. he could have ended things sooner, but it sounds like he was quite torn and deliberated for quite a while about this.

He told me he has been feeling on and off for a while now and said also he feels like we have became more like best friends, he didnt want to be with me anymore and that something was missing and that he lost interest in me and that he thinks I'm naive which isnt true and that we didnt have the same interests which is also false. He has also told me he has been struggling with his decision and that he still loves me and misses me but he does not want to get back together with me.

[Cherylyn]

I think I am hurting as he wasnt adult enough to talk to me about his concerns and not communicate and instead shower me with gifts on my birthday then the next day split up which I dont think is a nice thing to do with someone and the week before he done it he was showing me houses he liked. And he also told me he loved me so much so why then split, but to hear that he would rather be out doing other things than spend time with me breaks my heart

 

He was cowardly because he didn't do the right thing by talking to you about his concerns nor communicate with you. Instead, he showered you with gifts and then dropped the bomb on you - - break up or split up. No, it's NOT nice. And, he showed houses to you. Oh what a guy! If anything, you should say, "Good riddance!" as opposed to fretting about this loser. He's full of hot air when he told you how much he loved you after the split. He's a liar and a hypocrite. Now you know that he prefers to be out doing other things instead of spending time with you. Don't allow him to break your heart. You should feel RELIEVED that this jerk no longer deserves to be in your life. Consider him a bad apple.

[DancingFool]

I'm sorry you are hurting. Big internet hugs to you.

 

A slightly different view here. I think your relationship was a classic situation where there wasn't anything wrong with it, but also, he didn't feel that "it" thing either. This actually made the decision to end things ridiculously difficult. You checked all the marks and yet that feeling wasn't there for him. It's supposed to work and it sounds like he really really really tried to make it work, to carry forward, to build that life he is supposed to have, but deep down it seems like he wants something else instead.

 

I think he was actually very honest with you that he wants to do other things and is not ready for that commitment and a wife and a mortgage and kids and so on. He might never be ready for all you know. The point is that this wasn't about you, it was about him. Him in particular stringing you along while he sorted himself out and finally faced up the fact that he simply cannot sign on to that 30 year mortgage commitment. That was his do or die moment and he dragged his feet making that hard decision to the bitter end. Literally so.

 

There was really nothing for him to discuss with you or for you to change because the problems or rather choices were internal for him and nothing to do with you personally and your relationship in particular. It would be nice if he had talked to you about his doubts or better yet, walked away years ago. Wasting 6 years of your life while he waffles inside about what he wants was a selfish, self centered, coward move and quite unforgivable.

 

It doesn't help your grief, but please do not beat yourself up and keep asking what you could have done differently. The answer is nothing other than don't wait on a guy for 6 years to make a real commitment to you ever again.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately he's been trying to tell you this for a long long time. However it sounds like you weren't ready to cut your losses at that time and decided to continue living at his parents house and marching forward. It seems he could not find a good or right time to tell you, but the mortgage thing was a decent time to set you free.

 

He seems like a decent guy, who didn't want to hurt you but fell out of love over a year ago. Do you both work? How long did you live with his parents? Why his instead of living with your own parents? Living there with his family was a huge mistake and may have contributed to his statement about "feeling like bother and sister". If he were serious, you two would have gotten your own apt much sooner. So living with his parents was the first huge red flag.🚩

 

You mention your 30th birthday quite a bit. It seems your desire to to be married, kids, mortgage etc by this age clouded your view of his waning interest. Did he feel you loved the idea of mortgage, house, picket fence, wedding bells, kids, etc more than him per se? He mentioned you do not have the same interests or goals several times.

 

He was not cruel enough to ask you to leave his parents house last year, when he stated he no longer feels it, but continuing to live a lie serves no one. Most of all you. You stated you "did more for him on his birthday than anyone" and did up his house, etc. How did you get along with his parents?

last year he told me the spark had gone a bit

[MirrorKnight]

I'm sorry you are hurting. Big internet hugs to you.

 

A slightly different view here. I think your relationship was a classic situation where there wasn't anything wrong with it, but also, he didn't feel that "it" thing either. This actually made the decision to end things ridiculously difficult. You checked all the marks and yet that feeling wasn't there for him. It's supposed to work and it sounds like he really really really tried to make it work, to carry forward, to build that life he is supposed to have, but deep down it seems like he wants something else instead.

 

I think he was actually very honest with you that he wants to do other things and is not ready for that commitment and a wife and a mortgage and kids and so on. He might never be ready for all you know. The point is that this wasn't about you, it was about him. Him in particular stringing you along while he sorted himself out and finally faced up the fact that he simply cannot sign on to that 30 year mortgage commitment. That was his do or die moment and he dragged his feet making that hard decision to the bitter end. Literally so.

 

There was really nothing for him to discuss with you or for you to change because the problems or rather choices were internal for him and nothing to do with you personally and your relationship in particular. It would be nice if he had talked to you about his doubts or better yet, walked away years ago. Wasting 6 years of your life while he waffles inside about what he wants was a selfish, self centered, coward move and quite unforgivable.

 

It doesn't help your grief, but please do not beat yourself up and keep asking what you could have done differently. The answer is nothing other than don't wait on a guy for 6 years to make a real commitment to you ever again.

 

^^Totally agree!

 

I sort of wanted to convey this message, but did not quite get this across in my posts.

 

It was really difficult for me to break up with my ex, because she was so good that I couldn't even pick a fight, and I genuinely loved her and cared about her, and loathed to hurt her. But the inescapable fact remained that I was not happy and she was not happy. I wanted to end things, I wanted something different. I may come to regret my decision, but I decided that it was better to end things than drag it out for even longer whilst I try to figure out what exactly I want in my life partner. The sooner I let her go to, the sooner she can move on, grow and hopefully find happiness again, with somebody who feels crazy about her, somebody who appreciated her more than me, somebody she deserves.

 

I have not been able to give her the full explanation that she perhaps wants, because some of the honest answers would be unnecessarily hurtful. So I have just told her something along the lines of, "I want you know that what we had was very precious and meaningful to me, but it is over, I will not change my mind, please do not wait for me, please do not hope for a change of heart, it is not coming."

[LSL]

We didnt stay at his parents all the time we aometime stayed at mine and we didnt want to rent and use all our money then not have enough saved for a mortgage. I always told him I was in no rush to get married and he knew that, and there was days during the week I didnt see him because you obv need to both have your own space aswell sometimes, and I treated him the best he could, I'm a very chilled out person so didnt have any issues with him wanting to go out etc I was very laid back that way

[DancingFool]

We didnt stay at his parents all the time we aometime stayed at mine and we didnt want to rent and use all our money then not have enough saved for a mortgage. I always told him I was in no rush to get married and he knew that, and there was days during the week I didnt see him because you obv need to both have your own space aswell sometimes, and I treated him the best he could, I'm a very chilled out person so didnt have any issues with him wanting to go out etc I was very laid back that way

 

Here is some harsh truth for you. When a man knows that he wants to be married, he'll find a woman who suits him and settle down quickly and deliberately. When a guy is feeding you lines, while you are so laid back for 6 years, willing to wait and wait and wait on him, he is not looking for marriage or mortgages or kids and again, likely never will or might eventually come around 10 years from now. Meanwhile, he simply wants to be free to do whatever or nothing at all. Just be free of the obligations of a relationship.

 

Please stop picking at yourself and what you could have done or how you could have pretzeled yourself more or been more laid back. You being laid back too much is why you wasted 6 years of your life in limbo. STOP. Please. Don't ever be this laid back again.

[LSL]

Yeah it's just very confusing when we were on holiday last month he was talking about kids with me and saying how we would take them to our places we go etc so I'm not sure why he would talk about that sort of stuff when he was going to be splitting

[Batya33]

I know of many men who needed to feel ready to propose to the love of their lives whether it was logistical/financial/growing up to do whatever age, etc. And the opposite -quick "you just know" which later ended in unhappiness. And the hybrid -they felt ready early on and decided to use their head and wait let's say a year or so before proposing to make sure they really knew their head, heart and the person. I don't think it's so cut and dried. I think this happens quite a bit and sometimes the person is making all those plans and promises to try to convince themselves it is right. Doesn't excuse it and I am sorry you are hurting.

[LSL]

Yeah I just wish he would have been honest with me, and I just hope I get over this as it's only been a few weeks and people keep telling me you need to move on and get on with your life and I'm trying so hard but it's not easy just to forget about him, the last I heard from him was a week ago and I said to him I'm going to stop texting as it's really hard for me as I still love him and his last message said I love you aswell have a nice day and that's been it

[Batya33]

Yeah I just wish he would have been honest with me, and I just hope I get over this as it's only been a few weeks and people keep telling me you need to move on and get on with your life and I'm trying so hard but it's not easy just to forget about him, the last I heard from him was a week ago and I said to him I'm going to stop texting as it's really hard for me as I still love him and his last message said I love you aswell have a nice day and that's been it

 

So I would ignore any unsolicited input - and limit who you ask for input from. He may have been honest -it may have felt like a sudden change or "a ha" moment. I was hit out of the blue more than once by a boyfriend I dated for years in my 20s. Turned out the reason he was so conflicted is that he was being dishonest with himself. So, after we broke up he came out as gay and we each married men in the same year. He told me 10 years after we broke up (because I broke up the last time we broke up -he proposed out of the blue at a restaurant with a ring and I thank goodness declined).

 

Don't try to get on with your life. Do it. That means don't waste time trying "to get on with your life". Pick one thing to do every single day that signifies progress. It may be spending three minutes counting your blessings, making a goal not to talk about him to anyone for 24 hours and also making a goal to do more listening than talking to a friend/friends. It may be signing up to volunteer -around holiday time for example many homeless shelters/ soup kitchens need help. Do concrete small things instead of "trying"

[DancingFool]

Yeah it's just very confusing when we were on holiday last month he was talking about kids with me and saying how we would take them to our places we go etc so I'm not sure why he would talk about that sort of stuff when he was going to be splitting

 

It wasn't about you. He was trying to convince himself to get into a life that deep down he doesn't really want. I know it's confusing for you, but you have to look at actions NOT words. He talked a big talk, but he never actually walked it. He walked promises and future talk but no real action. Future talk is an actual term - google it so you don't fall for that again. While there are some exceptions, for the most part, people who know what they want, know they want marriage - 1.5 to 2 years there will be a proposal and a wedding date set in stone. Outside of that, you are likely dealing with a guy who doesn't really know what he wants and that comes with the risk of wasting years of your time for someone who will ultimately discard you. I know I know there are probably tons of exceptions to this, you probably even know someone in real life where they were together 10 years before tying the knot. Just understand that these are unicorn relationships and chances of you dating a unicorn are slim to none.

 

What I'm getting at is that if you are looking for marriage and children, then you need to look for a guy who actually steadily goes in that direction and acts on it in a reasonable period of time. There are way too many myths out there that men are these skittish woodland creatures who need to be tamed into marriage. Wrong. Men are just as human as you. Some men have a clear vision of what life they want, others don't. My point is that you need to be clear about what you want and look for a guy who is equally clear about what he wants or doesn't want for that matter. Don't gamble your life on a guy who is dragging his feet without clear actions. Talk is cheap. Promises are cheap. This relationship is very very hard harsh lesson on that.

[LSL]

Yeah it just makes me sad that I couldn't make him happy and it makes me feel so worthless and I just hope on day I find happiness again and find someone who wants to be with me just breaks my heart

[LaHermes]

It wasn't about you. He was trying to convince himself to get into a life that deep down he doesn't really want. I know it's confusing for you, but you have to look at actions NOT words. He talked a big talk, but he never actually walked it. He walked promises and future talk but no real action. Future talk is an actual term - google it so you don't fall for that again. While there are some exceptions, for the most part, people who know what they want, know they want marriage - 1.5 to 2 years there will be a proposal and a wedding date set in stone. Outside of that, you are likely dealing with a guy who doesn't really know what he wants and that comes with the risk of wasting years of your time for someone who will ultimately discard you. I know I know there are probably tons of exceptions to this, you probably even know someone in real life where they were together 10 years before tying the knot. Just understand that these are unicorn relationships and chances of you dating a unicorn are slim to none.

 

What I'm getting at is that if you are looking for marriage and children, then you need to look for a guy who actually steadily goes in that direction and acts on it in a reasonable period of time. There are way too many myths out there that men are these skittish woodland creatures who need to be tamed into marriage. Wrong. Men are just as human as you. Some men have a clear vision of what life they want, others don't. My point is that you need to be clear about what you want and look for a guy who is equally clear about what he wants or doesn't want for that matter. Don't gamble your life on a guy who is dragging his feet without clear actions. Talk is cheap. Promises are cheap. This relationship is very very hard harsh lesson on that.

 

LSL. I just would like to endorse e very single word in Dancing's post.

 

You must somehow stop the self-blame. It wasn't about you.

 

Please ignore those (whoever they are) that are telling you to just move on.

 

You must push through this, not around it.

 

Take care.

[boltnrun]

Yeah it just makes me sad that I couldn't make him happy and it makes me feel so worthless and I just hope on day I find happiness again and find someone who wants to be with me just breaks my heart

 

It wasn't your job to "make him happy". And it wasn't like he was miserable with you. He just realized he was not the lifetime partner you deserve. Better he acted on this now than marry you and have a couple of kids, then decide to leave.

 

Of course that won't make the pain magically go away. But whether or not you believe it, you will find peace once you get through this.

[bluecastle]

Wise words from DF.

 

What I think is invariably hard about relationships in our early 20s—when yours started—is that no one (or very few people) really knows what they want. They may know they don’t want to run around with a million people—or that they do—but the Big Stuff is a bit abstract. You often get into a committed thing with the person who is the coolest, warmest person you’ve met—that’s the basis of commitment, with the quiet hope that it also answers some of that Big Stuff. Meanwhile, time keeps happening, and instead of answers there are only more questions.

 

When I got into things at 23, 27, and 31 I hadn’t really thought about what I wanted, as I don’t think your ex has. He’s been guessing a bit, and is still guessing. That guesswork makes him a torn net—nothing for you to be able to lean into. It’s him, to beat the same drum, not you. When he had to really step up and become a net—money, mortgage—he realized just how torn up he was. In the grand scheme of life, that was a favor to you, one that right now comes with some awful feelings to feel. Endless internet hugs on that front.

 

Most people have one (if not more) devastating experiences in romance to teach some hard, needed lessons about romance. It sucks and the idea of a “lesson” right now is unlikely to be a salve. But life is learning, and hopefully as you move forward you’ll see the lesson here less in terms of what you did wrong, which was exactly nothing, and more in terms of what you really need, and want, which is exactly beautiful. That’s where you’ll find growth and power—and power in growth.

[LSL]

Thank you so much for all the kind words I have been putting all the blame on myself because of the things he said to me he said Im naive like a little girl,boring, said hes not interested in what I have to say anymore he would rather be out doing other things than spend time with me so that was pretty hard to hear and it has shattered me as a person as I did alot for him and always put him first and just to hear someone you are in love with say those things breaks your heart

[LaHermes]

Yes LSL. This statement is not just unkind but shows a lamentable lack of manners.

 

"he said Im naive like a little girl,boring, said hes not interested in what I have to say anymore"

 

Nonetheless, this is where you went wrong.

 

"I did alot for him and always put him first"

 

This is where good self-worth comes in, LSL. You put yourself first, and by that I do not mean be selfish. From that healthy place you can then, of course, collaborate with "the other", on a balanced basis. Odd as it might seem people intensely dislike those who do a lot (too much) for them. It is a pity you wasted all that time, but I know you will take steps to ensure that never happens again.

[DancingFool]

Thank you so much for all the kind words I have been putting all the blame on myself because of the things he said to me he said Im naive like a little girl,boring, said hes not interested in what I have to say anymore he would rather be out doing other things than spend time with me so that was pretty hard to hear and it has shattered me as a person as I did alot for him and always put him first and just to hear someone you are in love with say those things breaks your heart

 

That's truly a coward's way out. He said that not because he actually thinks any of that but to make himself feel better about the break up. He had to make you a bad guy to justify his decision. Instead of being kind, he chose to be cruel. If you take off your blinders.....once you are ready to look back more honestly at your relationship....I suspect that you'll realize that he was never all that great and mostly selfish. I'd actually bet money that you spent a lot of your time trying to make him happy and asking how high you should jump while he did little in return....just enough to keep you around.