Bf split up suddenly out the blue after 6 years

[Cherylyn]

LSL. Be glad and relieved that he dissolved the relationship. He's giving you a chance to find a man who is just right for you in every way. One door closes and another door will open for you. If you're religious, God has a different plan for you. Or, if you're a non-believer, there's another plan for you. He wasn't the one for you.

 

He told you the truth about no longer being interested in you. It's better that he was honest with you instead of stringing you along which is far worse and extremely deceitful. At least he was forthright even though the cut was so painful. I'm sorry. No one enjoys being dumped and rejected.

 

Believe me, deceit and betrayal of trust after false hopes and promises is much, much worse. Some women are in relationships longer than 6 years and wait and wait and wait. At least you can bail now! You're still young at age 30.

 

I thought it was gauche to split up with you the day after your birthday, after your birthday trip and lots of gifts. His timing was bad. He should've told you the truth before your big birthday bash. Well, better now than never.

 

This too shall pass. Your day in the sun will come again.

[Cherylyn]

Not that this is your ex's story but I've heard from some men that their careers are their priorities for a while or until they're ready to settle down and get married (if ever). Some men feel that a wife (and / or children) will be a drag and occupy too much of their time, focus, energy and resources.

 

There are personality and character clashes, incompatibility issues, mental / physical abuse, addictions, incurable flaws, defects, selfishness and the like. There are so many numerous reasons.

 

Try to move on.

[LSL]

I am just hurting so much just now and feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel that I devoted all these years to him just the thought of him moving on with someone else one day breaks my heart and that should have been me

[Wiseman2]

You don't need to change for him and his opinions on your incompatibility are his issues. In fact you may have tried a bit to hard to make it work. When trying to heal, it's important to reflect on the martyrdom, it suggests you were over-invested.

 

Therapy would be a great place to unpack and sort all this out and get a handle on whatever anxiety there is. In time you'll realize he just wasn't the one for you. Never pressure anyone to be with you. You could have spared yourself some pain had you left the first time he indicated he lost his feelings.

 

All you can do is watch for red flags next time that were missed.

🚩30 y/o man lives with his mother/off his parents.

🚩Keeps trying to breakup.

🚩Tells you there's no spark.

🚩House/mortgage window-shopping without a commitment.

last year when he said that the spark had gone a bit I tried so hard to be positive I planned lots of date nights I planned romantic trips away did everything I could to make it work as last year he did the exact same thing to me.

[LSL]

I just honestly feel so down about myself and I just feel he has given me false hope for months when the right thing to do was to communicate with me how he was feeling even before we went to see a mortgage advisor and look for houses

[Wiseman2]

He did...a year ago...but you chose to limp along with someone who told you he felt lukewarm. You would be hurt no matter when or how he broke up. That is the unpleasant nature of breakups. Why would you go house shopping with someone you're not engaged to?

 

You keep repeating the same things over and over. Your birthday, mortgage shopping, what he should have done, etc. What would you have done differently in retrospect? Without insight this pattern could repeat itself.

the right thing to do was to communicate with me how he was feeling even before we went to see a mortgage advisor and look for houses

[LSL]

He told me he didnt want to split up though when he told me last year and said he loved me so much so why did he not just end it last year? And I was happy to look for houses first I didnt want to force someone to propose, he always told me we would get married one day so there was no need to pressurise him

[Wiseman2]

Without reflection or insight unfortunately you may keep being strung along. Why didn't you end it when he told you he lost his feelings a year ago? Why would you stick around with someone who's on the fence about you? Where is the self-respect in that? Perhaps focusing on being more independent, thinking for yourself and making your own decisions is something to address in therapy?

He told me he didnt want to split up though when he told me last year I was happy to look for houses first I didnt want to force someone to propose, he always told me we would get married one day so there was no need to pressurise him

[LSL]

Because I love him so much we wanted to try make it work and I didnt want to end 5 years together wanted to try get through the rough patch as not all relationship are perfect

[Wiseman2]

So you'll stay with anyone even if they don't love you or respect you? What if they cheat on you or abuse you? Is "because i love him so much" or "because we were together x years" the answer to that as well?

 

Where are your friends and family? Do you work? Why were you camping out at his parents home? Why were you so dependent on him?

Because I love him so much

I didnt want to end 5 years together

[LaHermes]

LSL.

 

The posters on here are giving of their time and some great advice to support you in extricating yourself from such a toxic situation.

Meantime could you not answer Wiseman's questions?

 

No, no relationship is perfect. But the everyday ordinary ups and downs of any relationship or marriage are a far cry from the toxicity you describe where the entanglement was completely one-sided. As in "I devoted all these years to him".

This wasn't about rough patches but about your total sacrifice and investment in a lost cause.

 

You became caretaker, secretary, appointments maker, manager, and all the rest, where he constantly took and you constantly gave, in the vain hope that your devotion and sacrifice would keep him with you. And it did, for all those wasted year, given that he had all those services for free. A healthy relationship is where both parties contribute and in which desperation has no place.

 

I ask you again to please concentrate now on yourself, seek out within yourself, in honesty, why and how you would let yourself in for a dysfunctional relationship of this kind. He had no intention of marrying you or engaging in any future with you. Ever. So he was, at best, telling you charitable lies, or, at worst he is a pathological liar who says whatever comes into his head at a given time.

 

Would you now please tell us what you intend to do to better your life and reach a healthy place. WE want to know.

[LSL]

My family and friends have been really supportive through it all and I work full time, I stayed at his parents 3 nights a week and the other nights at my own house, I am still continuing to save for my own place

[Batya33]

I respectfully agree with my mother and based upon my experience through immediate family members, extended relatives, in-laws and countless friends galore in my lifetime. It's nothing I hadn't heard before. Same old song, same story; just a different channel.

 

I asked my husband why some men don't want to get married now if ever. He said it's due to loss of freedom just as I had heard from other men (in this case). He said that many men don't want their lives dictated and when I say that I mean they don't want to answer up to a wife such as a wife taking top priority in a man's life. Examples are when a man wants to hang out with his friends more, do what he wants when he wants whether it's a hobby, interest, pleasure (not women but outings on his own), come and go as he pleases without constant checking in with his wife regarding his whereabouts. A lot of men feel shackled, hence, loss of freedom. Now with the woman in the picture such as a wife, most activities are in pairs, usually the wife runs the show for the household, schedules, honey do lists and the like. No sense sugar coating this. It's marriage and everyday life. Some men want a carefree apt life. They don't want to transform into 'Mr. Home Depot.' Granted, I'm sure a lot of wives yield and I know there are many exceptions. However, most wives want to be with their husbands during off-work hours and they're the masterminds of the household.

 

A great many men aren't anywhere near ready for marriage. They might be years from now but not right this very minute now.

 

Many men haven't met "thee one" yet and they have to go through several if not many women in order to find the right one for them to settle down with in holy matrimony. Until then, many men won't settle with just any woman despite their doubts and misgivings.

 

There are so many reasons such as incompatibility, too. I get that. There are personality differences and certain characteristic traits that suddenly come to light especially after years into a relationship or after co-habitating. Suddenly, it's not dating anymore and the real you or him shows which is not always attractive. Then the warts come out.

 

There are so many stories. I was merely sharing what I've heard from very close relatives, in-laws and friends in my sphere. Many stories have parallels and typical from both the male and female side. It's as old as time.

 

I would not be married today if I'd believed this at age 30 which is how old the OP was. I would have become jaded and cynical and unwilling to put in the time and effort to meet men in my 30s -after college, after grad school, while the dating pool was dwindling and my biological clock beginning to tick. Luckily I have always genuinely liked men - as individuals, not because of their gender (meaning in platonic friendships - so, yes sometimes it was gender-specific like the old stereotypes about men being more direct/up front which I appreciated but typically -just as individuals).

 

 

Because I had many close platonic friendships with men -and still do just not as many - I treated men as individuals, I didn't let myself get caught up in the swirling negativity (which, OP continues when men become fathers -all the snarky comments about how fathers don't get up in the middle of the night/step up to the plate, get what women go through -some individuals are like that but no it's not true as a general rule). I was willing to put in the effort I did to date half of the planet basically and find the one when I became the right one to find the right one -because I refused to believe these negative generalizations about men and how they feel about marriage -and I had many many examples where it just wasn't true. And I think that's because of my friendships with men -genuine friendships, platonic, some I had dated, many many I had not - yes men and women can be close friends. If you have genuine friendships it's much harder to fall prey to the cynical negativity.

 

So OP -my suggestion -treat people as individuals. Look for someone who treats you as an individual. Do not ever let this man who left you make you jaded -self-talk, do cardio exercise till you sweat out the negative energy (yes I do this), get to know people as individuals -women and men - so that you are not vulnerable to believing you have to have a certain role.

 

Now I'm going to suggest something inconsistent. Yes, in the beginning stages of dating if you want a man who is more of a traditional type of person -then yes let him initiate the asking out or most of it -you show tons of interest in other ways- not overwhelming interest -I mean be a good friend, a good listener, flirt, show appreciation and appropriate enthusiasm - yes, play that game in the beginning (if it feels like one -to me it's about showing someone up front that you are worthy, that you are unique, unlike any other, potentially the one for this person. Potentially. If you want a man who likes the woman to take charge of most of planning, to be kind of the controlling side -if you like people who are passive and like to be lead around (they often are kind of insecure too but that's ok) then don't do what I suggested. I don't know a lot of people who are turned on by passivity but some are I guess! Let the man take the lead in the beginning so that he steps up to the plate and plans dates in advance with you whether expensive or free. Men are very flattered by a woman who gushes all over them and asks them out. Typically those are not the women they choose to marry. With exceptions. I sugget this to you in particular because it seems to me you acted like a bit of a doormat with this guy and over time he got turned off. So for the beginning stages of dating I'm suggesting a different approach.

 

See- yes inconsistent and maybe hypocritical and I'm going for you having a positive mindset about men, a mindset that treats men as individuals, a mindset that refuses to absorb the negative generalizations about men and marriage. And a mindset that says "I am worth a man stepping up to the plate and asking me out and planning dates with me and doing more of the initiating until we are more of a serious thing." Take it or leave it. Certainly worked for me, plus becoming the right person to find the right person.

 

Good luck.

[bluecastle]

Because I love him so much we wanted to try make it work and I didnt want to end 5 years together wanted to try get through the rough patch as not all relationship are perfect

 

What was greater inside the relationship: your love of him or your fear of losing him? If you had to answer that in a court of law, what would you say?

 

Reflecting on questions like this and the very good ones Wiseman is asking—like really thinking and feeling them out—are what can pull you out of the obsessive loop where everything becomes about him and blaming yourself. You start finding yourself, which, whatever the circumstances, is an empowering and comforting experience. Much as breakups suck, they are a rare moment when we are stripped raw and have an opportunity to see what's going on under the hood.

 

There are limitations to forums like this, in that we listeners only get a snapshot and come with our own biases. But spend enough time on this site and you do see certain patterns—very human stuff among us humans. You can kind of sense, for instance, when someone is mourning a deep, equal connection that ran its course or something more toxic, unequal, a kind of love where the main ingredient was fear. This, just being honest, is sounding more like that latter than the former.

 

I've had a few awful breakups—two in particular: one highly toxic, one a very rich and gentle love. This is just me, but I've always found some kind of comfort in trying to process it as an experience of life that is almost mandatory. Like death—and they're related in the grief—what you are experiencing right now is a thing many people experience.

 

The difference is that it can be learned from in, and grown from, in a different way. A lot of that is about understanding the choices we made inside a relationship. This is different than self-blame, than figuring out what we did "wrong" to end up here. It's just about seeing choices that didn't actually serve us, so, in the future, we can make new choices that do. Being "alone" or being "together," being "young" or "old"—neither of these states are better than the other, especially if we're making choices inside these states that bring us down.

[LSL]

I would say my love for him because I thought he was the one, I have had one other relationship before him and I was in that for 2 years where I got cheated on and I didn't think I would ever meet anyone again then I met my partner of 6 years and i honestly thought he was the one for me

[LaHermes]

Love is not enough LSL. And if there is fear trickling here and there through that "love" then the saying stands: "if it hurts it isn't love.".

 

You thought he was "the one". He didn't think you were "the one". . Ever. You mentioned being so devoted to him. Was he devoted to you? Oh yes, he sometimes talked the talk with no intention of walking the walk.

 

I know you are in pain, and you are grieving for what never was, and grieving for yourself. Underneath you will feel anger rising because you "did so much for him."

 

A relationship is a two-way street. Not one doing "so much" for the other.

I might add that it was very wrong of him to talk only a month ago about having children when he was already on the way out. Again, I am seeing an individual who habitually said the first thing that came into his head.

 

Fear, like hunger, is a shockingly bad advisor. And fear (as in fear of losing someone) has no place in a healthy LTR or marriage.

 

You will get past this LSL. You will have to. Make the coming months about you, be kind to yourself and get the best professional support you can.

[bluecastle]

What was greater inside the relationship: your love of him or your fear of losing him?

 

But what about this question? What happens if you try to answer it directly?

 

If the foundation of a relationship is that someone won't cheat like the last guy—well, that's a fear-based foundation. If the foundation is that someone is "the one" so being alone is removed from the possibility of life experience—fear-based again.

 

On the other hand, if the foundation is another person who loves and cherishes the things about yourself that you love and cherish, including the most fragile corners, while you do the same—that is not fear-based, but based on two individuals connecting on a plane of mutual respect. It is in ways more vulnerable, as it is not a solution to anything, not a shield or bullet-proof vest. But it is also stronger, since it is built on individual pillars of strength combining to build a secure emotional house.

 

It has taken me to just about 40 to understand that. Am I old? I don't think so. I genuinely feel like I'm still just starting out, and emotionally and mentally I feel more nimble today than I did at 25. That nimbleness is connected to some moments of terrible pain, an avoidable phenomenon, but not one that has to destroy you and make you operate from a defensive posture.

[LSL]

I think I need to try not blame myself and try be in the mindset that there isnt more that I could have done and try be positive and one day the right man will be there

[LaHermes]

Blame is counter-productive. Gaining insight into the whys and wherefores of behaviour is a productive endeavour.

 

You did too much, all one-sided, which produced an unhealthy imbalance from the outset.

 

Talk over what "right man" means to you. To start you off: not a saviour, not a man-child, and if he appears on a white charger, gleaming sword aloft, run a mile as fast as you can and hide. L.

 

A therapist is going to ask you all this, and I'm sure will ask you what draws you or drew you to a particular man.

[bluecastle]

For a cursory Google search, but really for a therapist: look up "scarcity vs abundance" mindsets. Operate from a place of scarcity and you get very little, because you believe there is little to have. little inside you. Operate from a place of abundance—that there is more, out there and in you, than you can ever access—and you get a lot.

 

This is mental stuff, not life station stuff. You will meet people from all stripes who have an abundance mindset, just as you will meet people who have "everything"—money, partner, whatever—and exist in "scarce" state.

 

Who do you want to be? It is a question to be asking and answering until you take your last breath, which is many, many moons away. It is a question, best I can see, that your spirit is begging you to ask and that life has offered you a moment—hard, and bitter, I know—that demands it gets asked.

[Wiseman2]

It has nothing to do with blame. Why do you keep defending yourself? Who is "blaming" you? Are your friends/family angry that you have to live back at home? Was this supposed to be an arranged marriage? Why is there so much pressure on you?

 

It has to do with him having one foot out the door for over a year, the red flags and being incompatible. Landing a man should not be thought of as a competition or something where you do the right or wrong things to keep him.

 

Try to relax and find a qualified therapist to shift through some of this and get professional tips regarding self-respect, feeling less anxious and moving forward . You also need to stop texting him and getting all that mixed up with your "but I love him" responses.

I think I need to try not blame myself and try be in the mindset that there isnt more that I could have done and try be positive and one day the right man will be there

[LSL]

I haven't messaged him at all, each week I seem to be getting a text off him and the last I heard from him was last sunday and I told him I'm not texting back again as it's too hard for me

[Batya33]

I think I need to try not blame myself and try be in the mindset that there isnt more that I could have done and try be positive and one day the right man will be there

 

Well no it can work that way in rare instances and in some bad movies. "Be positive" is too general - positive is..... positive - but you have to work on and come up with the specific ways you plan to act and interact in positive ways and treat yourself in positive ways -you have to find the actions and how you treat your body and mind that promote a positive mindset. And no, typically it's not about "one day the right man will be there" - dating and looking to date is not like going through a car wash -most of the time you have to be proactive in being out there - when you are ready - to meet like minded men and women (because likeminded women will introduce you to quality guys, and because it's awesome to be around likeminded people whatever gender).

 

I'll give you some examples of how I worked on "being positive" today on a challenging day weather-wise and work/logistics-wise.

 

I exercised my heart out before 8am.

I reminded myself to be thankful that I had hot coffee on a freezing cold day.

I ate lunch before I met my friend for lunch who was running very late so that I wouldn't feel hangry and sick by the time she could make it to lunch.

I allowed myself minor leeway on my diet conscious mindset when they had truffles samples at the market on my way home from work.

 

It's that simple -but it takes practice and reevaluation. Luck and timing and sometimes fate do come into play for many people (including me!) as far as meeting the right person but most of it especially after age 30 takes true grit, being on the front lines of dating, making choices concerning your free time, and not "being" positive but acting in positive ways and practicing those ways every single day. For me it's worth the work. If it is for you I highly recommend it. It's far easier to sit back with notions of be positive and wait for Mr. Right to ask you to let down your hair from the window of your cute and cozy single gal apartment.

[Cherylyn]

I just honestly feel so down about myself and I just feel he has given me false hope for months when the right thing to do was to communicate with me how he was feeling even before we went to see a mortgage advisor and look for houses

 

You're saying the same thing I've recently heard from a close, dear friend of mine, LSL. It's worse for you because you were dumped and rejected. I'm sorry. It's easier for the guy to do the dumping and rejecting because it's what he wants such as getting rid of the woman so he can have 'free bird' status. Before I get misconstrued, when I say 'free bird' status, I mean he wants to decrease his stress, lighten his load in his mind, have more choices in his life and do what he wants when he wants without constantly reporting back to you. He fears signing his life away.

 

I've heard some relationships that are pretty good during the dating phase and then when it comes to co-habitating, then suddenly there are serious bills to pay such as rent and monthly survival expenses, it turns into a sudden business arrangement due to living expenses, the couple 'plays house,' the woman takes on a wifey role and the once carefree bachelor starts to feel smothered. Then the subject of marriage is broached by the woman, she wants to know what his intentions are with her, he drops the bomb and says he's either not ready for marriage, doesn't know if he wants kids and a fight ensues. Then he drops another atomic bomb and says no, he doesn't want to marry HER. Then she makes plans to move out, finds a place to rent, find roommates if she has to and the split ends with a world of resentment and bitterness. I've heard it goes so bad that she refuses to inform him where she's moving to. It's over and the anger is so bad that she never wants to see him again for the rest of her life. In her case she told me she wasted 4 precious years of her life on a man she had no future with. That was the story from my friend a few weeks ago! Then she told me that she comforted herself saying that God has a different plan for her and her life. She has a great job and has confidence for her future. I hope you will, too, LSL. You are still young at 30.

 

I heard it from her guy, too. He said she wasn't intellectual enough for him and at first he tried to overlook it but after moving in together, it eventually bothered him. Also, he's too focused on his intense career and pressure cooker job right now. He doesn't have brain space to devote to "wife material" nor ready to take the next very serious step in his life with marriage. He event went so far as to say he needs to shop around. Better to shop around for both males and females than be stuck with someone you're unhappy with, right?

 

Relationships evolve. Of course, there is love and often times the man or the woman can overlook what bothers them about the partner. There are breakups. Some reunite because they don't want to lose each other. Then they try again and still, there's something that bothers him about you (male to female in this case) and he finally makes up his mind that no, you are not for him. Often times, he won't explain because he doesn't want to add insult to injury since he's rejecting you already. If the man were to explain, then the woman would say, "Well, I'm sorry I'm not so perfect for you." Then the relationship spirals downhill awfully fast from there. It happens. I'm not saying this is your story; just giving you an angle.

 

Even though you thought he was "thee one" for 6 years, you realized that his desires and missions in life are not on the same page as yours. Many women want marriage whereas men fear that type of serious legal commitment. Usually men have parents whether in a long term marriage or from a broken home. They're simply not up for the daunting challenge of marriage and parenthood just as they had observed their own parents and family life as they grew up. They don't want to grow up that fast. Then couple that thought with a side to the woman that he doesn't admire and now he's absolutely sure this time that it's a no-go to the altar.

 

Someday you'll know that in order for a man to truly want to marry you, it requires a tremendous amount of maturity, selfless attitude and same values. Any man who is not willing to pull the trigger and give you HIS LIFE, is simply not meant for you.

 

You can never change a man nor bend him to your will. He either wants marriage or he doesn't. If he's uncertain, then he's leaning towards the answer: "NO." If he's unclear and evasive, again, his answer is leaning towards "NO" again.

 

You have to wait for serendipity to unfold one day in your future.

 

False hope in my eyes is deceitful behavior and it sounds like he strung you along. I'm sorry. Nowadays, consider yourself no longer naive. Your key takeaway here is wisdom gained. In the future, make sure your radar is up and become a better read of a man (or people in general). You know you won't be gullible anymore. From the very beginning you'll know through effective communication how he feels towards a serious life together -- as in marriage, family if you two agree or disagree on that a nd building a home life together for life. In the future, don't let your relationship drag out for 6 years which is too long and a waste of your time IMHO.

 

It's the brutal truth.

[Cherylyn]

'The catch' is there if you know where to find him. He's not at singles bars. Go where they are and network among friends and family as they've done their homework for you.

 

Where are they? In college, extremely busy working, getting ahead in life on the fast track, healthy, active, working out (exercising), with their friends and family, volunteering in the community or charitable good works, at church, seeking intellectual pursuits, groups, clubs and if you want an upstanding, moral man, go where they are!

 

Sometimes it feels like finding a needle in a haystack and some women say all the good ones are taken or snatched up. Don't let that discourage you though. Just know where to find high quality men and you can afford to be very picky and choosy.

 

Or take a break from men altogether and take a breather. No sense rushing and settling for a rebound.