Bf split up suddenly out the blue after 6 years

[bluecastle]

When I hear all that, sitting here in the emotionally safe bleacher seats, I hear a very immature man. I hear a man who, for all your history and feelings, is so far from having the stuff in him that you need from a man, and deserve. I say that not to make you feel better or demonize him , but to help you, I hope, see it all more clearly as you feel what you need to feel.

 

Pain is not permanent. That’s the weirdest part, as it feels so permanent. Broken bones always heal, as do broken hearts. But just as it’s important to “set” the bone so it heals well, instead of into some wobbly shape, it’s important to “set” the heart in the right framework.

 

Blaming yourself is a “bad” cast for healing, so to speak, as is blaming him, in the long run. But seeing him for who he genuinely is right now—a man who doesn’t have what you need, as if he did you wouldn’t be feeling any of this—is a “good” cast. It’s more honest, for starters, and will tend to your heart in a way that strengthens it and prepares it to open again.

[LSL]

My jaw dropped to the floor when he said all that to my face and I keep thinking it over and over in my head, last year when he said that the spark had gone a bit I tried so hard to be positive I planned lots of date nights I planned romantic trips away did everything I could to make it work as last year he did the exact same thing to me, we had been on a night out the night before with friends he had a great time then the next day dropped that on me also without any signs etc

[DancingFool]

My jaw dropped to the floor when he said all that to my face and I keep thinking it over and over in my head, last year when he said that the spark had gone a bit I tried so hard to be positive I planned lots of date nights I planned romantic trips away did everything I could to make it work as last year he did the exact same thing to me, we had been on a night out the night before with friends he had a great time then the next day dropped that on me also without any signs etc

 

It takes TWO people to make a relationship work. You did all those things, but what did he do besides nothing????? All he did was got you to turn yourself inside out for him while he enjoyed the benefits and attention, but did he work on things?

 

Look, nobody gets to say "the spark is gone" and then do nothing about it. You either split up or you BOTH work on bringing the spark back. In your case, only one of you was working, the other was taking.......and....again I suspect that was a large part of your relationship dynamic. You gave, he took. It was not an equal, giving relationship.

 

On that note, your giving personality and tendency to self blame is dangerous for you. It attracts users and predators. Food for thought. (Not saying your ex is that, more just be more aware. Self flagellation is not a good trait to have.)

[LSL]

I suffer from anxiety and every time I saw him I always made sure I was so positive and he did make a wee bit of effort but any time that he maybe seemed off or quiet I used to automatically panic and think oh no this is happening to me again, sorry to talk alot on here I've just been blaming myself over the past few weeks after the things that have been said, over the past six years he has treated me so well but I just cant believe the way it has ended and how he done it

[LaHermes]

Again LSL, therein lies the heart of the matter.

 

"I planned lots of date nights I planned romantic trips away did everything I could to make it work "

 

Again, DancingFool has hit the nail on the head about the self-flagellation.

 

Please get help in addressing your anxiety, LSL. Anxiety is a shockingly bad advisor.l

[LSL]

I have started going to counselling to get support and try change my mind set that I am not all those things he said I am

[LSL]

I wonder will he regret it one day? I just hope I find happiness again with someone who loves me for me and doesnt pick out my flaws

[DancingFool]

Have you always been anxious or did you become anxious while dating this guy?

[LSL]

I suffered with anxiety before I met him but I think my anxiety got worse because I was constantly worrying after he said last year that the spark was gone so I was terrified to lose him and now weve split my anxiety is really bad because I constantly think what could I have done to change or make him happy

[LaHermes]

This is awful LSL. "Terrified to lose him".

 

None of that terror would exist in a healthy relationship.

 

He did a right number on you, and saw you coming so to speak.

 

The therapy you are attending is to find a way to alleviate your anxiety, NOT to become someone else. You are not those things he said. Huge anxiety yes. People pleaser, no doubt yes.

 

Everyone has flaws. But anxiety is an illness.

 

When you are in a healthy place you will attract healthy people, not users and predators. But I think you know there is a considerable amount of work to be done before you reach that state.

[LSL]

I think I just cant believe it has really ended i thought I would spend the rest of my life with him and it hurts so much he doesnt want me, I'm not a bad person at all and I feel like after 6 years he has just shut me off

[LaHermes]

Listen to me LSL. You have no idea how lucky you are that he has shut you off. Now you can move towards building an emotionally healthy life, unshackled by toxicity. Who said you are a bad person? Once again, you suffer from anxiety, you need to find yourself, become resilient.

 

You wanted to spend the rest of your life with someone for whom you were a sort of manager, servant, appointments maker, worrier, servant. Be so very glad he doesn't want you. What was so great about him anyhow? Life is so short OP, and six years is quite a big chunk out of life.

[bluecastle]

Similar point as LaHermes, phrased differently:

 

Your on/off switch lies inside you. You are not something another person can shut off or turn on. That is fact, and it's a fact that predated you even knowing he existed on the planet. There can be some kind of comfort in seeing things like that, as it puts the power back in your hands to turn on some rooms in yourself that were dimmed by this relationship and your dynamic. As you do that, you will likely come to see both yourself and this relationship a bit differently.

[LSL]

Do you mean that he might still think about our relationship?

[Batya33]

Honestly, planning romantic trips and fancy lingerie won't revive a spark -those can enhance an existing spark for sure and doing those things after someone says the spark is gone can be overwhelming and/or a turn off in a bad way. It will feel forced and overdone. If there was a strong spark to begin with and the spark has faded for reasons other than abuse or similar it comes back just by being together in a natural way- maybe you remember an inside joke and laugh together, maybe you feel the comfortable silence that reminds you of why you're together even if it's not 'thrilling", etc.

 

Of course you're not a bad person just because he decided he is done. I think you know that.

[LaHermes]

LSL!

 

"Do you mean that he might still think about our relationship?"

 

Where, I ask, is that even implied.

 

Why does it matter now what he thinks (if he ever did)? What matters now is you, and extricating yourself from this 6-year self-imposed abduction.

 

I can't make it any plainer.

[Batya33]

Do you mean that he might still think about our relationship?

 

Of course he might. I think about relationships I've had with exes where I ended it. Doesn't mean a thing nor should you indulge in focusing on what he might be thinking.

[Cherylyn]

Listen to me LSL. You have no idea how lucky you are that he has shut you off. Now you can move towards building an emotionally healthy life, unshackled by toxicity. Who said you are a bad person? Once again, you suffer from anxiety, you need to find yourself, become resilient.

 

You wanted to spend the rest of your life with someone for whom you were a sort of manager, servant, appointments maker, worrier, servant. Be so very glad he doesn't want you. What was so great about him anyhow? Life is so short OP, and six years is quite a big chunk out of life.

 

LaHermes made a wise point, LSL.

[boltnrun]

Do you feel the only way you can perceive yourself as a good person is if he wants and loves you?

[Cherylyn]

I can't speak for all men or couples. All I know is that when it comes to marriage and commitment, it's serious business. In a healthy relationship, both parties want it badly. They want to be husband and wife, be each others new family, have someone to come home to, build financial security together, have a dream attaining a home and some want children someday. They're on the same page.

 

Then there are some men who are simply not ready to take that plunge or giant leap of faith. They're chicken. They want to remain young, carefree and march to the beat of their own drum. They don't want to answer up to anybody. They prefer to be extremely independent.

 

In some ways, women mature faster than men in this regard. For those who desire children, their biological clock is ticking away and they don't want to waste anymore time on a man who is waffling, indecisive nor are they willing to wait around for God knows how long until they can persuade their man to marry them. Most women want a future with their man legally speaking. They want to reap the financial benefits, too. While they're ready, many men still haven't grown up yet. They're still emotionally immature.

 

When a man is ready to marry, it could be years later. He'll know when it's time and when he's serious about marriage commitment. Until then, he wants his freedom and hang out with his buddies. Many times once his friends start marrying off one by one and settling down, he'll join the club. It takes time to get there. His friends won't hang around with him forever. Life gets very busy especially after marriage, friends move away, there are new jobs, the wife runs her household and if there are children, then former friends really drift apart permanently. I've seen this phenomenon all my life.

 

Then there are personality differences. Some men want a woman who is more intellectual, healthy, undramatic, without baggage or what have you; it runs the gamut. Or, they grow bored with her due to something about her personality and character. Once they get to know you better, it's not like dating anymore. They know the real you and something about you turns them off. They can't envision marriage with a woman who isn't completely compatible to them. Sometimes they won't tell you everything because they don't want to rub salt into your wounds. Instead, they'll just explain that they don't want you to waste your time on them anymore and it's time to cut you loose.

 

As mentioned previously, it's better to end it now than continue wasting your life on a man who won't promise a future with you. Also, he may be thinking, it's better to dissolve the relationship now as opposed to having misgivings, marrying you anyway and endure a financially disastrous and painful divorce later which is far worse. He's preventing a more negative scenario from occurring in the first place. Perhaps you're too blind to see this now but prevention is better than harsh consequences. I know far too many couples who married despite doubts and ended up enduring a nasty, very ugly divorce. If you have kids in that mix, it's even worse. Then you have to contend with visitation rights, child support and contact as long as kids are involved. Breaking up now and prevention is better.

 

Look at this positively. You will have an opportunity to find someone better in your future. Your ex was not meant to be and it was a mismatch. Chin up. Hang in there, LSL.

[Batya33]

I think it’s a myth that men in general see marriage as loss of freedom or that they see being single as being carefree. For me I felt more restricted when single because I restricted myself from spending my sparse free time and activities unrelated to finding a husband.

 

I wouldn’t generalize. I have male friends who married in their 20s and were ready and my husband who was ready then but didn’t meet the right person until we got back together in our late 30s. My relative married in his early 40s more because he thought he should settle down and after she died he met the true love of his life in his late 70s.

In between the times my husband And I dated he had a few serious relationships as did I and worked on advanced degrees and his career and moved around a lot for his career. He was not a party guy nor did he want his freedom. All of this is to point out it’s individual and generalizing about men likely will increase your jadedness and is a waste of time.

But yes both people have to want to be married with all their hearts and want to commit to “forever” - as doctor Phil has said you shouldn’t ever try to convince someone to marry you. I agree.

[Cherylyn]

I once asked my mother why some men (or women) don't wish to marry. She said that they don't want to be told what to do, have endless expectations from their spouse and some people are fiercely independent. Some men equate marriage as a ball 'n chain or being saddled to a nagging wife. They don't want to become a henpecked husband. Some men are influenced by their friends regarding negative sides to marriage. They don't want these constraints. They're simply not ready for it nor wish to risk this under one roof - - legally. They don't want to feel pressured into marriage and / or kids.

 

Some men will be ready for marriage and eventually settle down in the future while some men never have intentions to marry.

 

With marriage, there is no easy way out. Divorce is messy and very expensive. There is too much to lose.

 

With boyfriend / girlfriend relationships, it's easier to breakup and less complicated because there is no huge financial loss and legal ramifications. It's more convenient and easier to part ways. Divorce is a very costly scenario altogether.

 

When women are dumped and rejected, it feels like "Looks like he didn't really love me that much." It's a very sobering reality check. It hurts badly because some women feel that the guy said he loved her but he must've not loved her enough to commit his lifetime with her. She feels that he got off cheap and often times it feels like "Why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free?" mentality. She feels as if she wasted her precious youthful years on a man who didn't promise a sincere future with her. Then the woman feels like she was naive from the beginning. It's such a harsh, hard lesson learned for millions of women. Those are the stories I've heard from close family members and friends.

[Batya33]

I once asked my mother why some men (or women) don't wish to marry. She said that they don't want to be told what to do, have endless expectations from their spouse and some people are fiercely independent. Some men equate marriage as a ball 'n chain or being saddled to a nagging wife. They don't want to become a henpecked husband. Some men are influenced by their friends regarding negative sides to marriage. They don't want these constraints. They're simply not ready for it nor wish to risk this under one roof - - legally. They don't want to feel pressured into marriage and / or kids.

 

Some men will be ready for marriage and eventually settle down in the future while some men never have intentions to marry.

 

With marriage, there is no easy way out. Divorce is messy and very expensive. There is too much to lose.

 

With boyfriend / girlfriend relationships, it's easier to breakup and less complicated because there is no huge financial loss and legal ramifications. It's more convenient and easier to part ways. Divorce is a very costly scenario altogether.

 

When women are dumped and rejected, it feels like "Looks like he didn't really love me that much." It's a very sobering reality check. It hurts badly because some women feel that the guy said he loved her but he must've not loved her enough to commit his lifetime with her. She feels that he got off cheap and often times it feels like "Why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free?" mentality. She feels as if she wasted her precious youthful years on a man who didn't promise a sincere future with her. Then the woman feels like she was naive from the beginning. It's such a harsh, hard lesson learned for millions of women. Those are the stories I've heard from close family members and friends.

 

That hasn't been true in the least in my experience. I disagree with your mother, respectfully of course. I know of people who have no interest in marriage for a variety of positive, mature, self-honest reasons or who have no interest in marrying again. I do know of people who feel and act as what you described. Both men and women.

 

My friend has been with her boyfriend for 14 years. They have a 12 year old child. They are legal partners in the state in which they live so that they can have him on her health insurance. He would marry her. She doesn't want to marry again. She is divorced after a long relationship that included a 7 year marriage. They are extremely committed -more than many married couples I know. If they wanted to break up I don't think it would be a big deal at all as far as their legal partnership. But I don't believe they ever will and I don't think they would act or be any more committed if they had a marriage license and had taken wedding vows.

 

Not being married might mean you're not ready and it just as easily could be that you're totally ready for it and either (1) have no interest in the marital relationship/institution; (2) haven't met the right person; or (3) some combination of the two.

 

It reminds me of the truly offensive email I received from a married friend in about 2007 or so when I'd been in a serious relationship with my future husband for over 2 years. We were trying to conceive but she did not know that, I was working more than full time, so was he plus watching out for his elderly parents -we were in our early 40s. And she asked me with no 'joke" how the "wild and crazy single life was treating me." That is an example of the bizarre and ridiculous assumption that people who are single are presumably not adults, presumably don't have intense and significant responsibilities, aren't well-versed in romantic relationships whether or not they choose to be involved in one at a given time. It's like those same silly assumptions about married men feeling like their freedom is restricted, that stay at home moms eat bon bons and sip wine all day and pretend to work, etc etc. What a darn waste of time. And it means that people like the OP get all sorts of cynical and negative and just plain foolish generalizations about men and marriage.

 

Certainly I respect that your mother had those experiences. I feel badly that she did and that she chose to generalize from them in this mostly negative way.

[bluecastle]

I've heard similar stories of the ones you tell, but in my experience it's not a gender thing. Just a person thing. A life thing.

 

I have female friends who are skittish about marriage, female friends whose husbands want kids but they don't. And vise versa. I have friends who want partnership but not marriage, and friends who don't want either, of both sexes. I've seen views change. My best friend, a male, is a good guy who only wants a life partner and has seen that as the coolest thing since he was a teenager—was with someone for a decade but, alas, it didn't work out. Engagement ended—not because of these "ball and chain" anxieties, but something more human: didn't work.

 

The idea that someone got off "cheap" after a breakup is, in the end, a story. It's a story both genders will tell—a story some people tell, for comfort, as that's why people have told stories forever—and some will hold onto for a very long time, even forever. See (to bring men into the cow/milk cliche) the guy at the end of the bar, at 26 or 42 or 66, cursing the woman who left him a year or two decades earlier. That is a choice in healing and processing. Personally I don't think it's a great story to tell for very long because it takes one life experience—a hard one, yes—and makes it into the experience, coloring things in a cynical. embittered light. Whether you're 20 or 30 or 50, that light is going to be your torch on the path of light for a lot more years.

 

For OP: this is an awful moment. In the long run is it more awful than being with someone who has serious doubts about you? I say no, and ultimately I say that is something to celebrate, heal from, grow from, and let all that guide you to the next thing.

[Cherylyn]

That hasn't been true in the least in my experience. I disagree with your mother, respectfully of course. I know of people who have no interest in marriage for a variety of positive, mature, self-honest reasons or who have no interest in marrying again. I do know of people who feel and act as what you described. Both men and women.

 

My friend has been with her boyfriend for 14 years. They have a 12 year old child. They are legal partners in the state in which they live so that they can have him on her health insurance. He would marry her. She doesn't want to marry again. She is divorced after a long relationship that included a 7 year marriage. They are extremely committed -more than many married couples I know. If they wanted to break up I don't think it would be a big deal at all as far as their legal partnership. But I don't believe they ever will and I don't think they would act or be any more committed if they had a marriage license and had taken wedding vows.

 

Not being married might mean you're not ready and it just as easily could be that you're totally ready for it and either (1) have no interest in the marital relationship/institution; (2) haven't met the right person; or (3) some combination of the two.

 

It reminds me of the truly offensive email I received from a married friend in about 2007 or so when I'd been in a serious relationship with my future husband for over 2 years. We were trying to conceive but she did not know that, I was working more than full time, so was he plus watching out for his elderly parents -we were in our early 40s. And she asked me with no 'joke" how the "wild and crazy single life was treating me." That is an example of the bizarre and ridiculous assumption that people who are single are presumably not adults, presumably don't have intense and significant responsibilities, aren't well-versed in romantic relationships whether or not they choose to be involved in one at a given time. It's like those same silly assumptions about married men feeling like their freedom is restricted, that stay at home moms eat bon bons and sip wine all day and pretend to work, etc etc. What a darn waste of time. And it means that people like the OP get all sorts of cynical and negative and just plain foolish generalizations about men and marriage.

 

Certainly I respect that your mother had those experiences. I feel badly that she did and that she chose to generalize from them in this mostly negative way.

 

I respectfully agree with my mother and based upon my experience through immediate family members, extended relatives, in-laws and countless friends galore in my lifetime. It's nothing I hadn't heard before. Same old song, same story; just a different channel.

 

I asked my husband why some men don't want to get married now if ever. He said it's due to loss of freedom just as I had heard from other men (in this case). He said that many men don't want their lives dictated and when I say that I mean they don't want to answer up to a wife such as a wife taking top priority in a man's life. Examples are when a man wants to hang out with his friends more, do what he wants when he wants whether it's a hobby, interest, pleasure (not women but outings on his own), come and go as he pleases without constant checking in with his wife regarding his whereabouts. A lot of men feel shackled, hence, loss of freedom. Now with the woman in the picture such as a wife, most activities are in pairs, usually the wife runs the show for the household, schedules, honey do lists and the like. No sense sugar coating this. It's marriage and everyday life. Some men want a carefree apt life. They don't want to transform into 'Mr. Home Depot.' Granted, I'm sure a lot of wives yield and I know there are many exceptions. However, most wives want to be with their husbands during off-work hours and they're the masterminds of the household.

 

A great many men aren't anywhere near ready for marriage. They might be years from now but not right this very minute now.

 

Many men haven't met "thee one" yet and they have to go through several if not many women in order to find the right one for them to settle down with in holy matrimony. Until then, many men won't settle with just any woman despite their doubts and misgivings.

 

There are so many reasons such as incompatibility, too. I get that. There are personality differences and certain characteristic traits that suddenly come to light especially after years into a relationship or after co-habitating. Suddenly, it's not dating anymore and the real you or him shows which is not always attractive. Then the warts come out.

 

There are so many stories. I was merely sharing what I've heard from very close relatives, in-laws and friends in my sphere. Many stories have parallels and typical from both the male and female side. It's as old as time.