Can I trust my boyfriend?

[ButterToast]

This is either arrogance or lack of awareness—probably both, neither appealing qualities.

 

Arrogance = he doesn't think you have a similar joker card hiding in your deck.

 

Lack of awareness = he has no idea how "I'm going to get drunk with someone I barely know but slept with and have mom pick me up" sounds to fellow human ears.

 

On some level, to analyze this more than it deserves, I think what he thinks he said to you is different. He doesn't realize he weaponized it all, because it clashes with his self-conception as a good, mature dude. I'm not saying he's a "bad" monster, but mature? No. People who weaponize things, without awareness, are the sort of people generally referred to as "dangerous." Spend too much time near weapons and you get hurt, and loaded guns can't be tamed.

 

The big question in your head right now should be: Is this what I want to be dealing with, in my life, in a relationship? Never stop asking that, because it's the question you can answer. Asking questions about him, or anyone, is just a black hole.

 

HERE IS A UPDATE EVERYONE!

I sent him this text!

“ I appreciate you being honest with me, I thought about it and it's not settling with me. I know we haven't talked about boundaries.

 

I just feel uncomfortable for you to meet up with a fling that you thought you said wouldn’t see again. Please cancel with her and have her other friend show her around Instead.

It’s just there should be boundaries to set when cultivating friendships with former flings, out of respect for me since we’re in a meaningful relationship.”

 

And all he said I swear! He said “Will do”

 

I’m astonished!

 

Any opinions???

[Rose Mosse]

I'd text "Thanks." That's it. Don't superimpose any of your fears or anxieties, don't bombard him with smiley faces or other texts. Cross one bridge at a time and keep your wits about you. Enjoy your time together but know that he's capable of putting you in situations like this. You can still enjoy each others' company with that knowledge and history. Also please don't bring up this situation again no matter how upset you may be and allow him to grow from it too especially if you sense he understands. It all depends how you both grow forward together and whether you both learn from this going forward through life and new experiences in the coming months and years.

[Hollyj]

OP,

 

What do you want to do? What do you think about the response?

[ButterToast]

OP,

 

What do you want to do? What do you think about the response?

 

Since he’s canceling the hang out with that girl I guess it one less thing to worry about.

But also I hope he doesn’t ignore me and still arrange the hang out and secretly meet her

[ButterToast]

I'd text "Thanks." That's it. Don't superimpose any of your fears or anxieties, don't bombard him with smiley faces or other texts. Cross one bridge at a time and keep your wits about you. Enjoy your time together but know that he's capable of putting you in situations like this. You can still enjoy each others' company with that knowledge and history. Also please don't bring up this situation again no matter how upset you may be and allow him to grow from it too especially if you sense he understands. It all depends how you both grow forward together and whether you both learn from this going forward through life and new experiences in the coming months and years.

 

Thank you so much for your support! There is so much men need to learn and be aware of and show respect and integrity in a relationship

[Wiseman2]

Do you get the impression he would do that?

I hope he doesn’t ignore me and still arrange the hang out and secretly meet her

[Batya33]

Thank you so much for your support! There is so much men need to learn and be aware of and show respect and integrity in a relationship

 

Oh I don't agree in the least. I think certain individuals might need to improve on how they behave in all sorts of relationships when it comes to respect and integrity. I really cannot stand when men are put down in this way. I am married to a man of character and integrity (his father was like that as well) and we are raising a son who is 10 and regularly complimented on how thoughtful and kind he is. I don't take "all" the credit for that at all -I believe so much of that was just how he was born, his temperament -but he sees us role modeling it in daily life. If you really do feel that way about men please don't date other than casually. People deserve to be treated with respect and if they start out with you with you assuming what you wrote it's really unfair - obviously you open up to someone at a reasonable pace over time, including trusting that person with your confidences, secrets, feelings - but to start out assuming "men" need to learn so much - nonstarter.

[Batya33]

Since he’s canceling the hang out with that girl I guess it one less thing to worry about.

But also I hope he doesn’t ignore me and still arrange the hang out and secretly meet her

 

If you feel that way you do not trust him enough to date him IMHO.

[Hollyj]

Oh I don't agree in the least. I think certain individuals might need to improve on how they behave in all sorts of relationships when it comes to respect and integrity. I really cannot stand when men are put down in this way. I am married to a man of character and integrity (his father was like that as well) and we are raising a son who is 10 and regularly complimented on how thoughtful and kind he is. I don't take "all" the credit for that at all -I believe so much of that was just how he was born, his temperament -but he sees us role modeling it in daily life. If you really do feel that way about men please don't date other than casually. People deserve to be treated with respect and if they start out with you with you assuming what you wrote it's really unfair - obviously you open up to someone at a reasonable pace over time, including trusting that person with your confidences, secrets, feelings - but to start out assuming "men" need to learn so much - nonstarter.

 

I don't agree, either. This is him.

[boltnrun]

Thank you so much for your support! There is so much men need to learn and be aware of and show respect and integrity in a relationship

 

All men?

 

Where did you get these ideas about men?

[Hollyj]

Butter, they are not dogs or children, even though there are some man children. I think that your thinking is quite unhealthy, and may be a reason you make poor partner choices.

[ThatwasThen]

I just want to let you know if you’re okay with this? If not then I can cut it off with her”

 

What’s your advise to this response?

My advice is to tell him I'm not okay with this and unless you intend on bringing me with you to this drunken meet up, then I would like you to cut it off because it is suspect, it is crossing romantic relationship boundaries, it is hurtful that you wouldn't include me in a date-like activity with her and if she's so great, it hurts that you wouldn't want me to become her friend as well.

 

Anything else is YOU putting your head in the sand and allowing something that you CLEARLY do not agree with because if you did you wouldn't be so angst about it that you needed to start a thread. Don't try to be the cool girlfriend that lets her partner cross boundaries just so she doesn't come across as some sort of beeatch. Doing that is so lame and counter productive to open, honest communication. It's posing at its finest.

 

That being said, I read that you told him your truth. Not in a way I would have but I'm not you...

[ThatwasThen]

Since he’s canceling the hang out with that girl I guess it one less thing to worry about.

But also I hope he doesn’t ignore me and still arrange the hang out and secretly meet her

You have to trust your partner and if you don't, your relationship is toast. Talk to him in person about such things. Save texting for when you want him to pick up a quart of milk or to bring something with him when he's coming to yours. You DO NOT discuss such important things over text where you can't read expression or voice inflection or tells that he's just telling you what he clearly knows you want to hear.

[MissCanuck]

There is so much men need to learn and be aware of and show respect and integrity in a relationship

 

This tells me your man-picker might be broken.

 

I have not once in my years of dating needed to explain to a man why it would be inappropriate to go out drinking with a former fling. You are not dealing with a naive kid here, OP. He knows how it looks; he doesn't need to "learn" this. Be careful not to fall into the line of thinking which suggests men are so oblivious they don't know when they're screwing things up. That sort of thing will lead you to overlook or minimize poor behavior and not hold someone appropriately accountable for making choices that jeopardize the integrity of your relationship.

 

It's positive that he agreed to cancel this meet-up. But the very fact that you are worried he might covertly see her anyway tells me you don't trust him much, and I am wondering why this is. What gives you the impression he is capable of something like that?

[Rose Mosse]

Ok... no good. If you can't trust him, this isn't good. Both of you may be younger or more naive so trusting in general or establishing trust is new to either of you. It took me a long time to filter and trust, know when to bow out and excuse myself and when to stick around for workable relationships. If you're feeling jittery, nervous, distrusting and overall, not good, no matter what your boyfriend says the problem is either with you (insecure) or it's with him (too much damage done already/not trustworthy).

 

You can go about this in one of two ways: 1) re-evaluate the relationship and give it another shot (this means trusting him) or 2) you can draw the line and say enough is enough.

 

You're the best judge of character in this case. I think this issue is not that huge in the giant mountains of issues in life. Put things in perspective and go with your gut instincts. If you don't feel good, you decide.

 

I think your comment about men needing to learn is tongue in cheek and said in jest. Try not to bring gender into it as it creates greater mistrust in others (negative gender stereotypes). Leave that behind and if you're going to exist with this person, do so peacefully and with more positivity. If not, don't exist or be in a relationship with him at all.

[HeartGoesOn]

 

 

 

I offer to pick him up and drive him home safely, and to see how he feels after the hang out.

He said he’s loyal when he’s in a relationship, and he won’t do anything stupid or sexual. He just want to reconnect with a old friend.

 

Should I trust him?

What should I say?

What should I do?

Thank you!

 

It's always "just a friend"- classic excuse. I can only speak for myself, but my guess is he's banking on you buying into his carefully rehearsed speech, which should be an insult to your intelligence,(imo).

 

Either way, if he had an ounce of respect for you, he wouldn't try to pull one over on you as he's doing here. Rather than having to tell him you're not comfortable with this situation, he's clearly demonstrated what he's all about, therefore why even waste your time offering your opinion?

 

No, I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

[smackie9]

This is what you do...Say it’s ok as long as you can be there too. If he doesn’t like that idea it just proves this is more than a hang out. He told you about it, hoping to get a hall pass making it sound like he’s being reasonable. You can tell him Thanks for the honesty, but this tactic doesn’t fly with you. Then tell him that you both need to go over some firm boundaries.