Can I trust my boyfriend?

[Hollyj]

One more thing, I wonder how he would feel if the situation were reversed?

[ButterToast]

Spot. On.

 

I can see myself, at 27, pulling a bozo move like this. Not out of malice, not with nefarious intent, but still: it's a bozo move that puts you in an awkward position, because it's driven by his own awkwardness of wanting life every which way. As this has been framed, there is essentially no reaction that leads to a greater connection, because you either have an awkward talk or tell him you'd prefer he not go—casting you in the "jealous gf" role you have no interest in playing, or casting you as the "trainer" of a boy still on the path to manhood. Or, well, you kind of stomach this moment in hopes it's just a little hiccup—and, in that, a teeny crack forms in the foundation. Time passes, feelings deepen, cracks expand.

 

The "math" here is simple, but he just hasn't learned it. If this meet up is of genuine importance, you bring your girlfriend, rather than dangling it before your girlfriend in a sideways manner. And before that? You ask yourself, with clear eyes, if this meet up is of genuine importance, if it genuinely adds to your life and who you want to be—meaning you ask if you would like your own parter to be reconnecting with past flings during the developing stages of your romance, and if the answer is no you don't bother meeting up.

 

No need to react right away, but I would just observe here, being honest about what you feel in your spirit. Is this guy really on your level? Is this the stuff you want to be "working on" inside a relationship? In picking people we get to pick the "issues" that excite us to work on, that bring value, as opposed to those that throw us off our true axis and growth patterns.

 

 

Should I say this to him? And can you edit it if it doesn’t sound fair or good enough?

 

“

Thanks for being transparent with me,

the fact that you’re meeting w/a girl that you had sex with no further connections after.

Then she wants to reconnect with you after 2 years and you decide to take her to a bar and you might get drunk around her. Then have your mom pick you up rather than me.

 

That’s a lot of red flags for a platonic meet up, it makes her sound promiscuous even though you say there’s no intent.

I just feel uncomfortable for you to meet up with a fling that you thought you wouldn’t meet again after having sex.

I don’t mean to sound in any way jealous or controlling. There should be boundaries to set when reconnecting w/someone you slept with just out of respect since we’re in a meaningful relationship.”

[bluecastle]

Thank you blueCastle for your wise words,

I felt crazy thinking why he put me in this frustrating situation, he wants me to hold the pressure and not have him deal with it. Your post means a lot! I appreciate it :)

 

Inhale, exhale. Nothing is "crazy" about the way you feel. What you're feeling is, at best, a very real maturity gap, and, at worst, a window into lousy character. You are here, he is there, and that has left you isolated, because you thought you two were closer, level-wise, and perhaps that he had more integrity, human-wise.

 

Where things do start getting crazy? When you pretend that gap in levels is not real, or try to get cozy on a level that is impossible for you to be cozy on.

 

I'm in a relationship. For what it's worth: I was recently contacted by someone I had a little thing with who is coming to my city, as I believe she regularly does for work—a totally light thing almost 2 years ago. Gun to head, I don't think her intentions are anything save for wanting say hi to me, that nice dude from way back. Were I single, I'd grab a coffee or glass of wine with her, with no interest in re-sparking that flame. She's a nice person.

 

But I'm not single, and she's hardly part of the fabric of my life—the stuff I want to share and entangle with my girlfriend, the stuff I want her to feel at ease in, as she shows me, daily, how important it is to her that I feel comfy in the fabric of her life. So I just ignored it. Time spent dwelling on this for me? Half a millisecond. Likewise, I wouldn't be surprised if my girlfriend has had a person or two reach out to her—she's a compelling person, with a past. But I trust her reaction would be much the same. Time spent talking about all this together? Minimal, some early boundary discussions before an ounce of concrete was even poured in the foundation.

 

I was not always this guy—even when I was, all in all, a "good guy," though I haven't always even made that pay grade. I just hadn't learned the math. Don't cast yourself in the role of math teacher. Andrina offered razor sharp advice about how to approach this. Then observe if you guys can be on the level—with this as a wobble—but be diligent in that observation. That doesn't mean putting him in the spy glasses, but just being diligent about listening to your spirit and asking it if it feels safe, secure, and is getting the nourishment it needs out of this union.

[ButterToast]

One more thing, I wonder how he would feel if the situation were reversed?

 

So I asked him holly, and he said he would be fine with me to do the same as him, which is so weird to hear, but I would never do that with someone from my past

[bluecastle]

Should I say this to him? And can you edit it if it doesn’t sound fair or good enough?

 

“

Thanks for being transparent with me,

the fact that you’re meeting w/a girl that you had sex with no further connections after.

Then she wants to reconnect with you after 2 years and you decide to take her to a bar and you might get drunk around her. Then have your mom pick you up rather than me.

 

That’s a lot of red flags for a platonic meet up, it makes her sound promiscuous even though you say there’s no intent.

I just feel uncomfortable for you to meet up with a fling that you thought you wouldn’t meet again after having sex.

I don’t mean to sound in any way jealous or controlling. There should be boundaries to set when reconnecting w/someone you slept with just out of respect since we’re in a meaningful relationship.”

 

Sorry, I was riffing when you were writing this riff.

 

I'd keep it much simpler. No need to say much about her, and especially no need to bring words like "promiscuous" into things. Don't think anything good has ever come on planet earth by a person using that word. So, something like:

 

"I appreciate you being transparent about this, but it's not settling with me and what I need from a committed relationship. Perhaps we haven't had a talk about the boundaries we each need, and of course those can be different, but I'm not someone who can cultivate a romantic commitment with someone who wants to also cultivate friendships with former flings outside of the relationship. Those two things are at odds, for me."

 

Or some such. And then he will respond...however he responds. Listen to that. Does he get defensive? Does he try to make it sound like no big deal, even though you just told him that it is a big deal, for you? Or does he take you seriously, and take you plus him seriously? You will learn a lot from just listening about whether he can respect your truth, and whether your individual truths can coexist.

[ButterToast]

Sorry, I was riffing when you were writing this riff.

 

I'd keep it much simpler. No need to say much about her, and especially no need to bring words like "promiscuous" into things. Don't think anything good has ever come on planet earth by a person using that word. So, something like:

 

"I appreciate you being transparent about this, but it's not settling with me and what I need from a committed relationship. Perhaps we haven't had a talk about the boundaries we each need, and of course those can be different, but I'm not someone who can cultivate a romantic commitment with someone who wants to also cultivate friendships with former flings outside of the relationship. Those two things are at odds, for me."

 

Or some such. And then he will respond...however he responds. Listen to that. Does he get defensive? Does he try to make it sound like no big deal, even though you just told him that it is a big deal, for you? Or does he take you seriously, and take you plus him seriously? You will learn a lot from just listening about whether he can respect your truth, and whether your individual truths can coexist.

 

Wow thank you for editing! Thank you for helping me understanding this strange situation that he put me in. Okay...I’m a bit nervous to send him this response even after I told him it was okay for him to meet. Let me rethink and make it sound less controlling and more fair....mmmmm....And you’re right! It will be his response that will make him either sound defensive or accepting or something else!

I will let you and everyone know what his response is once I send him this confronting text.

Omg....I’m so nervous! Lol I haven’t done this in a long time.... lol

[ButterToast]

Do you believe that they merely slept together and that there is no connection? He sounds like a guy who wants his cake and eat it too. Do not offer to pick him up.

 

Hahaha! Thank you for your advice, he is the type that likes to have his cake and eat it too. Lol! I just wanted to offer him a ride so that I don’t sound worst for him placing me in this weird situation

[bluecastle]

This is a great moment, I think, for you. Can it be great for you two? Who knows, my eyebrows are as raised as yours, and his response plus more time will dictate a lot of that. But that's the less important question, so try to combat some of those nerves by reminding yourself that you are, right now, taking care of yourself by cherishing your truth. You know what you see in the mirror, and it's not a controlling woman. If that's what he sees, so be it. His loss because he's wearing some very funny glasses.

 

It is totally understandable for a human to want to hang with someone they've had a little thing with—for a multitude of human reasons. I would say it is very rare to find someone who believes such hangs are conducive to a solid relationship, though some people, men and women, will look for people who validate that instinct (an A+ for bad math) and further validate it through blurry relationships (at which point no math makes sense).

 

If he is one such person he is not your person.

[Hollyj]

So I asked him holly, and he said he would be fine with me to do the same as him, which is so weird to hear, but I would never do that with someone from my past

 

Really?!......

[Hollyj]

Let us know...

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately, you're putting yourself in this position. Anyone can see through why you want to pick him up. You can send him whatever you wish, but it's not going to change anything.

he is the type that likes to have his cake and eat it too. Lol! I just wanted to offer him a ride so that I don’t sound worst for him placing me in this weird situation

[bluecastle]

So I asked him holly, and he said he would be fine with me to do the same as him, which is so weird to hear, but I would never do that with someone from my past

 

This is either arrogance or lack of awareness—probably both, neither appealing qualities.

 

Arrogance = he doesn't think you have a similar joker card hiding in your deck.

 

Lack of awareness = he has no idea how "I'm going to get drunk with someone I barely know but slept with and have mom pick me up" sounds to fellow human ears.

 

On some level, to analyze this more than it deserves, I think what he thinks he said to you is different. He doesn't realize he weaponized it all, because it clashes with his self-conception as a good, mature dude. I'm not saying he's a "bad" monster, but mature? No. People who weaponize things, without awareness, are the sort of people generally referred to as "dangerous." Spend too much time near weapons and you get hurt, and loaded guns can't be tamed.

 

The big question in your head right now should be: Is this what I want to be dealing with, in my life, in a relationship? Never stop asking that, because it's the question you can answer. Asking questions about him, or anyone, is just a black hole.

[Hollyj]

I wouldn't offer to pick him up. I just don't think he should go to meet this woman on his own.

 

OP, have there been other red flags?

[ButterToast]

I wouldn't offer to pick him up. I just don't think he should go to meet this woman on his own.

 

OP, have there been other red flags?

 

This is the first Time seeing this with red flags.

I’ll let you guys know what he says, if he’s defensive or accepting or something else!

[ButterToast]

This is either arrogance or lack of awareness—probably both, neither appealing qualities.

 

Arrogance = he doesn't think you have a similar joker card hiding in your deck.

 

Lack of awareness = he has no idea how "I'm going to get drunk with someone I barely know but slept with and have mom pick me up" sounds to fellow human ears.

 

On some level, to analyze this more than it deserves, I think what he thinks he said to you is different. He doesn't realize he weaponized it all, because it clashes with his self-conception as a good, mature dude. I'm not saying he's a "bad" monster, but mature? No. People who weaponize things, without awareness, are the sort of people generally referred to as "dangerous." Spend too much time near weapons and you get hurt, and loaded guns can't be tamed.

 

The big question in your head right now should be: Is this what I want to be dealing with, in my life, in a relationship? Never stop asking that, because it's the question you can answer. Asking questions about him, or anyone, is just a black hole.

 

Omg....you’re right....

He’s not a bad guy, and like you said I thought it’s him being mature. But then he might be playing it smart by being arrogant and thinking I have a joker card hiding in my deck. (I like how you put that in words!)

It’s so weird for him to think getting drunk with a fling from the past while being in a committed relationship is normal?? Like you’re so correct! It’s doesn’t sound fair to other fellow humans!! Lol

 

So I had a lot of people agreeing with what you say! And to confront and cancel the meeting between him and this fling. But I also had 1 friend that told me, he’s at a be of maturity, let him be honest, let him meet her, don’t control him or tell him what he can’t or cannot do. You don’t want to hold the rabbit so type that it wants to leave you.

 

What’s your opinion On that?

[Wiseman2]

He's so good at talking in circles, it's doubtful any of these three would be easy to discern. But here is what will happen. He will meet with her, you may or may not know about it and they may or may not hook up.

if he’s defensive or accepting or something else!

[Hollyj]

You can't tell him what to do, but you can choose what your boundaries are with him. If he cannot respect them, then I would rethink the relationship.

 

I really don't get his thinking. This woman is not a friend, but a weekend hookup.

[bluecastle]

My opinion?

 

I think your one friend is a "cool girl" who is willing to bend a little too much to accommodate the whims of immature men she is attracted to, who sees romance as a game played to ensure that men don't "leave you."

 

But it doesn't have to be a game, if you "play" from the position that you're already a winner and looking for someone who can stand next to you on that podium without you feeling like you're about to be pushed off. Dating is very simple, if we allow it to be: We choose to be with people who make us comfortable, voicing things we need for comfort, as well as things that bring discomfort. If all that leads to more comfort, you keep dating. If not, you stop dating, so you can find someone you are comfortable with.

 

My girlfriend has voiced things I've done that make her uncomfortable. I have done the same. This is not control, but communication—small, early "tests" of compatibility to see if we are compatible. We want the same thing—a safe little world in which we can go wild on each other while being ourselves—and together we are building that world. If this afternoon she texted me "getting drunk with a dude I used to sleep with—meet up after?" I would not be comfortable, and would not be ashamed of that discomfort.

 

At 40, six months in, I would probably just find myself seriously losing interest, and more frustrated by that then whoever she is sipping wine with, so I'm not even sure if there would be much to discuss. At 27—well, I would have been the bozo sending that text and looking for the woman who was "cool" with it, or at least "down" to "talk it out" after I went and did something I knew wasn't the coolest.

 

I cringe at that dude I was, just a bit, since I'm not him today and needed to be him to get here. Does a certain girlfriend from that time cringe at what she accommodated in me? I can't speak for her, but if I had to guess I would say that, yes, she does, though I have it on good authority that bozo me improved her bozo radar and she went on to find bliss with non-bozo types, while I did the work of shedding my bozo husk so I could find some deeper bliss as opposed to the shallower variety.

 

Anyhow, I'd chill with this idea of "confronting" him. There is a way, simply, where you just tell him how you feel, in two sentences, with no rules. With that information about your feelings, he can then make whatever choice he feels is right, and you get to decide if that choice works for you. That's how you stay on the podium, rather than making him the podium, you dig?

 

For the fortune cookies: There is no "win" in "not losing" a man who does not make you comfortable.

[abitbroken]

Sorry, anything less than "My girlfriend and I would love to meet you for dinner. If you would like a good tour of the city, try the X walking tour..." This isn't the 1940s. The internet has been invented. I have gone to completely unfamiliar places and have found all of the points of interest on my own.

 

i would not worry about sounding controlling or not. This is not a normal thing a guy smitten with someone would do. it would be a "we" situation. He'd be proud to show off his new girlfriend to an old fling

[Wiseman2]

Has he mentioned this friend before? Or just in the context of this outing? Is she staying at a hotel or with him/his mother?

[Batya33]

It’s not strange. He wants permission to go out and get so drunk that he can’t drive with a woman he had a fling with and he’s telling you it’s because she wants to see the city and sightsee. The latter part is simply an excuse for him to get to go hang out and drink to excess in a date like situation. Very basic stuff. If that’s ok with you then you also feel free to hang out with ex flings or men who have shown an interest in you and get drunk with them. But it sounds like it’s not ok. So tell him that.and simply: on reflection I’m not comfortable with you going out with her and getting drunk. “. Many years ago my husband was that simple about a plan I made that I thought was harmless but he didn’t. No argument no confrontation. I changed the plan.

[Honeycomb8]

I might overlook this at 18 but at 27 I def wouldn't condone it. I don't think there's anything to discuss. Hanging out with female friends have lunch and dinner is okay imo, but getting wasted with ppl he screwed is not what a guy who has a gf should do.

 

I wouldn't be staying in this relationship, his boundaries aren't there. He's 27, not 20. He knows what's up and knows it's not okay.

[purplepaisley]

I absolutely understand your discomfort, and I would feel the same. It really depends, because I know that I've had flings in the past, that if they were to pop up in my area and contact me to reconnect and do something touristy, I could do so with no ideas in my head that it would be anything other than platonic. However, on that note, I think planning to meet alone and "get plowed" is me putting myself in a precarious position where "things could happen" once plied with excessive alcohol and potential old feelings. It's a slippery slope.

 

My Exhusband remained friends with some of his past girlfriends, and while uncomfortable at first, a little jealousy, it was clear there was nothing there, and they didn't ever go out alone or talk on the phone. Texting didn't exist back then, but in today's world, I'm guessing there would be little to no texting. If there was continued one-on-one and planned drunken "dates," this would NOT go over well with me...no.

 

I think what bothers me the most is that he didn't or hasn't included you beyond telling you about her. Can they just hang? Sure. He didn't invite you, did not accept your offer to pick him up, and told you he plans to get wasted, which reduces defenses and puts him in a place where he can easily screw up. I would feel a lot better about the whole thing if he invited you and wanted you to come along, if only for the dinner part. If he had the day off and they did a couple touristy things and then met up with you for dinner, it's a whole other set of circumstances, and more wholesome and less sketchy. Not that they couldn't "hook up" during the day, but it seems more above board to me if he actively included you on any plans and if you wished to join them. The fact that he's keeping you at arm's length while he plans on drinking to excess with an old f-buddy is not sitting well with me.

[ButterToast]

Omg....you’re right....

He’s not a bad guy, and like you said I thought it’s him being mature. But then he might be playing it smart by being arrogant and thinking I have a joker card hiding in my deck. (I like how you put that in words!)

It’s so weird for him to think getting drunk with a fling from the past while being in a committed relationship is normal?? Like you’re so correct! It’s doesn’t sound fair to other fellow humans!! Lol

 

So I had a lot of people agreeing with what you say! And to confront and cancel the meeting between him and this fling. But I also had 1 friend that told me, he’s at a be of maturity, let him be honest, let him meet her, don’t control him or tell him what he can’t or cannot do. You don’t want to hold the rabbit so type that it wants to leave you.

 

What’s your opinion On that?

 

Ok!!! HERE IS A UPDATE EVERYONE!

So I sent him this text!

“ I appreciate you being honest with me, I thought about it and it's not settling with me. I know we haven't talked about boundaries.

 

I just feel uncomfortable for you to meet up with a fling that you thought you said wouldn’t see again. Please cancel with her and have her other friend show her around Instead.

It’s just there should be boundaries to set when cultivating friendships with former flings, out of respect for me since we’re in a meaningful relationship.”

 

And all he said I swear! He said “Will do”

 

I’m astonished!

 

Any opinions???

[ButterToast]

Let us know...

 

SO HERE IS A UPDATE !

 

I sent him this text!

“ I appreciate you being honest with me, I thought about it and it's not settling with me. I know we haven't talked about boundaries.

 

I just feel uncomfortable for you to meet up with a fling that you thought you said wouldn’t see again. Please cancel with her and have her other friend show her around Instead.

It’s just there should be boundaries to set when cultivating friendships with former flings, out of respect for me since we’re in a meaningful relationship.”

 

And all he said I swear! He said “Will do”

 

I’m astonished!

 

Any opinions???