This hurts like hell, even though I know it’s for the best

[boltnrun]

I'm sure you know your mental and emotional states have a very real and powerful impact on your physical health.

[bdwiii]

Yes I do. In fact, a very good friend of mine who knows of my history with this woman said to me, "She's going to put you in an early grave."

[Hollyj]

You're right Hollyj, I put myself in that mess so I am every bit as culpable for what happened to me as a result as she is. I allowed it to happen even when everyone else warned me and I refused to listen. And yes, I need to start cherishing every day, every moment I'm still alive and breathing instead of wasting it on someone who could care less whether I lived or died. I'm sorry to hear about your brother. I hate that I may one day in the not too distant future. have to put my family through that same painful experience.

 

Thank you. Most difficult time of my life.

 

Like you said, the best thing you can do for your health, is to reduce the stress and spend time with those who appreciate you.

 

A friend of mine was expected to die from his cancer and yet he is doing great. Try to keep positive and follow your doctors instructions, it will be the best for you. And, please stop associating with these awful people. Do what is right for you, and stay away from all of the toxicity. What a waste of time!

[bdwiii]

Thank you. Most difficult time of my life.

 

Like you said, the best thing you can do for your health, is to reduce the stress and spend time with those who appreciate you.

 

A friend of mine was expected to die from his cancer and yet he is doing great. Try to keep positive and follow your doctors instructions, it will be the best for you. And, please stop associating with these awful people. Do what is right for you, and stay away from all of the toxicity. What a waste of time!

 

You’re so right and thank you for your kind reply. You know, I know how bad she was/is for me, and despite how long I know her, she’s never changed. I also know in my heart of hearts that I must stay away from her for good this time but can you please tell me this; then why is my heart broken and I’m in such emotional pain over her? I feel like I’m addicted to her as much as she is to heroin. We both know it’s killing us but we can’t leave it alone. I never knew I was so messed up until now. I’m finding it hard to eat, sleep, or even think straight now. And when I think of how she just left me and went to someone else like it was nothing it hurts so badly. Yeah I suppose I’ll get over it in time, but since it’s only been four days I’m not doing so well. Pictured here is my nemesis.

 

[ATTACH]11598[/ATTACH]

[boltnrun]

Did you get her permission to post that photo of her?

 

I don't want to beat up on you when you're down, but you're revealing some pretty personal and incriminating stuff about her. Posting a photo without getting her permission is probably not a great idea.

 

And of course you're in pain emotionally.

 

I was very seriously ill a few years ago. I was hospitalized for almost two weeks. While I was in there the guy I had been in a relationship with moved another woman into his house. I was absolutely torn to shreds emotionally, even though this guy was no prize. Because I was physically unwell, it made it harder to deal with. When we ended for good (we had reconciled...terrible idea) I was healthier and therefore it didn't devastate me the way it had before.

 

Your emotions are affected by your illness just like your physical health is affected by your emotions.

[bdwiii]

Did you get her permission to post that photo of her?

 

I don't want to beat up on you when you're down, but you're revealing some pretty personal and incriminating stuff about her. Posting a photo without getting her permission is probably not a great idea.

 

And of course you're in pain emotionally.

 

I was very seriously ill a few years ago. I was hospitalized for almost two weeks. While I was in there the guy I had been in a relationship with moved another woman into his house. I was absolutely torn to shreds emotionally, even though this guy was no prize. Because I was physically unwell, it made it harder to deal with. When we ended for good (we had reconciled...terrible idea) I was healthier and therefore it didn't devastate me the way it had before.

 

Your emotions are affected by your illness just like your physical health is affected by your emotions.

 

Wow, you’ve proven to me that no matter how bad you’re hurting someone else somewhere else is hurting just as bad if not more so. I’m so sorry that you had to go through that, it must have been devastating to say the least and it’s right up there with her already sleeping with this guy she’s with now for two weeks behind my back.

 

No, of course I didn’t get her permission, we don’t speak to each other at all anymore, but she knew about all the pictures I have of her since we took them together. And yes, not only am I in pain from my illness but now emotional pain on top of it as well.

 

Thank you for your kind reply.

[SherrySher]

I know how messed up it is, and how messed up I am emoitionally to allow someone to hurt and abuse me like that. I guess I thought if I loved her enough, showed her enough how much I cared she'd change and we could be happy. Yeah, right. I know, severe codependency issues and I was told it probably stems from my childhood as a fear of abandonment. The ones that would be good for me are unappealing, and seem boring, but I gravitate towards the toxic and abusive ones because I'm still trying to "fix" something that I didn't get so long ago.

 

You know why you do this. You spelled it out as clear as a bell.

Re-read this every single time you ask yourself why you go back or why you feel compelled to go back. Recognize the broken in you and fix it.

 

As for her picture, I don't see anything great. That's what a heroin addict looks like. But add into it what kind of character she is, not a good one.

Stop looking at the outside appearance and start being smart enough to see that she is toxic. You can't seriously be this desperate or this disillusioned.

 

You also can't be posting other people's pics without their permission. If she finds out at all, it could cause all sorts of problems for you.

[Hollyj]

Why did you provide her pic?

[bdwiii]

Why did you provide her pic?

 

I guess I like to put a face to what I’m crying about so that you all can make your own assessments. And to the previous poster who said that I had pretty much discovered my fatal flaw, no, not so much desperate, I have dated several very attractive women over the past years. It’s just for some reason whenever she calls me and finds me single, she always had this power over me where I couldn’t resist her. She could draw me back in easily and she’s used this to her advantage repeatedly. There was a time I was with someone else and she tried to get with me and I turned her away because unlike her, I will never cheat on the girl I’m with ever. I know how horribly painful that is and I surely don’t like it being done to me so why would I ever do it to someone I love?

[MissCanuck]

You would be wise to remove the photo of her, OP.

 

We don't need to see what she looks like, and you don't have her permission to post it on a public forum. Especially when you have also posted some quite personal details about her. A quick Google image search with that photo - done by someone with more nefarious intentions - could reveal a lot more about her than you realize and expose her to even more risk.

 

Do the responsible thing and delete it from here.

[Wiseman2]

Keep this friend, ditch the girlfriend.

a very good friend of mine who knows of my history with this woman said to me, "She's going to put you in an early grave."

[bdwiii]

I removed the photo. Yeah you're right, no one needs to see what she looks like. Knowing her lifestyle is bad enough.

[Hollyj]

If you want to stop crying, then go back to your first post about this woman in 2006. It was a train wreck after you first started dating and you knew it. You said you would end it. I believe she got pregnant with someone else's child.

 

I really don't understand what you're crying over, unless it's all the time you've lost on this terrible relationship.

[Hollyj]

I guess I like to put a face to what I’m crying about so that you all can make your own assessments. And to the previous poster who said that I had pretty much discovered my fatal flaw, no, not so much desperate, I have dated several very attractive women over the past years. It’s just for some reason whenever she calls me and finds me single, she always had this power over me where I couldn’t resist her. She could draw me back in easily and she’s used this to her advantage repeatedly. There was a time I was with someone else and she tried to get with me and I turned her away because unlike her, I will never cheat on the girl I’m with ever. I know how horribly painful that is and I surely don’t like it being done to me so why would I ever do it to someone I love?

 

Get out of the victim mode. You made the decision to repeatedly return.

 

Move on with your life already. Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

[bdwiii]

Actually that post from 2006 was someone else but point taken. Yeah, I'm doing what I have to do to clear my head of this and it'll pass, it's just a bit fresh right now. But yeah, I've learned my lesson.

[Hollyj]

Actually that post from 2006 was someone else but point taken. Yeah, I'm doing what I have to do to clear my head of this and it'll pass, it's just a bit fresh right now. But yeah, I've learned my lesson.

 

It has been 14 years of this mess.

 

What are you mourning? The drama, pain and chaos?

[bluecastle]

But yeah, I've learned my lesson.

 

No, you haven't.

 

And I say that with affection for you, a guy on your side feeling for you. You see the lesson, but you have yet to learn it. Acknowledge that, rather than get ahead of yourself by telling a story that is more palpable than reality.

 

Easy metaphor to make a point, under the circumstances: every junkie has seen the lesson that heroin offers. They saw it before they tried it, then really saw once they got hooked. Hence: there is nothing every junkie hates more than heroin, and yet. But those that learn it? Those are the ones who quit—not for a week, not for a few months, but who give it up. That is learning a lesson. You have to live it to have learned it.

 

You have, let's say, 2 years until you can even utter the phrase, "I've learned my lesson." Great! That gives you some 700 plus days to engage in the wonderful human activity known as learning rather than the less wonderful human activity known as peacocking about things they've yet to truly learn. New steps in a new direction. Reflection in therapy. More new steps. And so on. It's a process, just like kicking drugs is a process, and you have to embrace the process, not the results, not the prize.

 

Your deep-seeded obsession with "the prize" is your Achilles' heel, you see? Some part of you made her the prize, as you're now making "not her" the prize. No. Too reductive. Same coin, different side. Same paradigm. You need a whole new coin, a whole new paradigm, and that doesn't come from a quick lick of heartache and the epiphanies that follow. It comes from digging in, hard, and accepting that, right now, you can only see the faintest outlines of the lesson you're trying to learn.

 

You come across here as very self-aware. Good stuff, that. But wasted if not enriched into action, into change. So far you've used your self-awareness to enable your bad habits, rather than to make new habits, to sidestep change. This is the ego, learning to see it in its entirety so it can't tug the reigns too hard. So get big, right now, by getting tiny. Look in the mirror and see a guy who can see the lessons he wants to learn, and then commit to learning them.

 

Question: Do you do anything in your life that delivers a thrill? I mean, there are so many better ways to taste the edge than with women like this. I've got three motorcycles I ride, making picking up a loaf of bread feel like a scene from Blade Runner. I might die on the thing—I get that. I need that feeling, though, to keep myself balanced. So it goes: plenty like me revving throttles across the world; it ain't special. But in that there is personal agency—a safe, closed system of danger—that allows for safe, sincere human relationships rather than relationships that are ridden like busted motorcycles around hairpin turns. Because there is no joy in that—only danger and hurt.

 

Not sure any of that resonates. Sorry for this chapter, and for the health troubles. Time to get truly radical and start taking care of yourself.

[bdwiii]

You're right bluecastle, it's going to take time and no it isn't learned overnight. It is indeed a process that I must undertake and put into action. You'll get no argument here at all because everything you said is spot on and very well put. I've done plenty in my life that derives a thrill. I too emjoyed the thrill of riding my motorcycle (a Yamaha 750 Maxim that I bought in 1982) I rode just like you for sixteen years in all types of weather, as long as the roads were clear, I rode. I gave that up though because too many of my friends were dying in accidents from riding. The greatest thrill of my life however was working as a salvage diver off the north coast of the Dominican Republic in 1979. My full name is Burt D. Webber, III (which explains my handle bdwiii) my father is a renown Treasure Hunter also by the name of Burt D. Webber, Jr. who found the wreck of the Concepcion in 1978-79. I started SCUBA diving for him at the tender age of 14, and I've done it until the summer of 2009. You can see his latest book which just came out and is available on Amazon. Here's the link. https://www.amazon.com/Master-Spanish-Main-T-Armstrong/dp/1090677839/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=burt+webber&qid=1571082110&sr=8-1

 

There's a mystique about working 8-12 hours underwater on a seven mile coral reef 80 miles north of the Dominican Republic. It's an experience that I wouldn't trade for anything. I still love diving and will go down to the Caribbean every chance I get health permitting to do it. Here are some pictures of that experience.

 

[ATTACH=CONFIG]11599[/ATTACH][ATTACH=CONFIG]11600[/ATTACH][ATTACH=CONFIG]11601[/ATTACH][ATTACH=CONFIG]11602[/ATTACH][ATTACH=CONFIG]11603[/ATTACH] the skinny kid wearing the daisy duke shorts was me. I was 19 years old then. What I want to do, and am going to do is go back down to the Dominican Republic for a little while and do some diving and just sit on the beach, drink rum, and stare out at the south Caribbean Sea.

 

 

[bdwiii]

Hollyj, as painful as it is to admit, you're right. Because that's all it was for 14 years. Enough is enough.

[Wiseman2]

This is a public forum, so don't put any of this here:

My full name is ....

[bdwiii]

I don't mind it unless it's against the rules? I've got nothing to hide.

[Hollyj]

this is a public forum, so don't put any of this here:

 

lol jb...........

[Blank State]

Ninjabib, thank you, and i do value your opinion and what you're saying is dead on. I know how messed up it is, and how messed up I am emoitionally to allow someone to hurt and abuse me like that. I guess I thought if I loved her enough, showed her enough how much I cared she'd change and we could be happy. Yeah, right. I know, severe codependency issues and I was told it probably stems from my childhood as a fear of abandonment. The ones that would be good for me are unappealing, and seem boring, but I gravitate towards the toxic and abusive ones because I'm still trying to "fix" something that I didn't get so long ago. In any case, it still hurts, and the wound is still very fresh. She's already resorted to abusive texts from his cell phone this afternoon. I of course didn't respond to them.

 

She's probably pretty hot right? That's the thing if you want to get honest with yourself. When we find someone who's more attractive than we're used to getting, it's like a drug. And you'll put up with all kinds of crazy to get it. You probably don't love her as much as you think. You're physically attracted to her and that's where all the emotions come from. But let it go. Looks fade, and then you'll be stuck with an a-hole. I've dated girls who were out of my league and I always ended up paying for it in one way or another. Just find someone who's cute and has their together.

[bdwiii]

She's probably pretty hot right? That's the thing if you want to get honest with yourself. When we find someone who's more attractive than we're used to getting, it's like a drug. And you'll put up with all kinds of crazy to get it. You probably don't love her as much as you think. You're physically attracted to her and that's where all the emotions come from. But let it go. Looks fade, and then you'll be stuck with an a-hole. I've dated girls who were out of my league and I always ended up paying for it in one way or another. Just find someone who's cute and has their together.

 

 

Yeah, she's very hot and yeah, you're right when you look beyond that, there's nothing else to want or love. Because she's an ugly human being.

[Wiseman2]

She'll be popular in jail, no?

Yeah, she's very hot and yeah, you're right when you look beyond that, there's nothing else to want or love. Because she's an ugly human being.