Batya33 Posted October 8, 2019 Share Posted October 8, 2019 I don't know if it's because of my age, or my life circumstances or what... I am sort of pragmatic about friendships that come and go, because I have noticed that as my life changes I attract different people into it. For example... - When I was a mom with a baby, I hung out with other moms that had babies or little kids. - When my daughter was older, and I was a single mom, I gravitated towards single moms with kids that were a similar age. - When I got married, we hung out with other married couples for the most part. - When I joined CrossFit I made some friends that shared a mutual goal of health and fitness. - When I separated from my ex, I found a crew of single ladies that I could go out and have fun with and commiserate about being single and dating with. - When I got a BF, I noticed that most of those single ladies drifted away and I spent more time with ladies that were in good relationships. For many people, including myself, when we are busy with life, who we connect with is almost a matter of convenience in some ways. The people I connect with now are people I see on a regular basis because we do regular activities together. I still have a couple of very long time friends in my life but even those have shifted over time. It's not personal that you don't hear from them, it's just how life is and how relationships shift based on priority. Keep making new friends and doing activities you enjoy so you can meet people that are like minded and that you can connect with regularly. For me it's been almost exactly the opposite. While I might make new friends based on a new interest/new stage in life I am very focused on staying in touch with close friends from the past no matter what their status because who they are is far more important to me than what they are doing right then in their lives. CErtainly for non-close friends/acquaintances it's more interest-dependent. I don't have time for tons of friends but my closest friends -I don't care where they move, whether they have a child, what their new interests are -I love to hear about what is going on with them. Of course if a friend doesn't have a child and I do I don't at all focus on mom or parenting stuff with her. That could bore her, etc. I really need to keep up the diversity/variety in my life. So with a work friend I have lunch with lately we talk about travel and books and book clubs. I love hearing about my friends who are artists and what they're doing with their art. Friends who changed careers or are trying to, etc. It keeps me vital. This is really an individual thing but when it comes to a matter of convenience that to me has to do more with acquaintances or not my closest friends. Especially at 53 I know how hard it is to find people who are truly close so I wouldn't let circumstances or parenting/marital/work status affect that. I don't mean to come across as judging your approach at all -my intensity in writing about this is my personal intensity -something I've given a lot of thought to for myself, not for anyone else. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 8, 2019 Share Posted October 8, 2019 It'd be fun to meet some ena people in real life! I have -it's great! Link to comment
kim42 Posted October 8, 2019 Share Posted October 8, 2019 I have -it's great! I just think nobody lives in my part of the world. Sorry Camber for spamming your thread 😊 Link to comment
Camber 2019 Posted October 8, 2019 Author Share Posted October 8, 2019 I just think nobody lives in my part of the world. Sorry Camber for spamming your thread 😊 Not at all a problem... all comments are welcomed! Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted October 8, 2019 Share Posted October 8, 2019 I think we go through cycles in life where one fits and then it doesn't any longer. Maew accounted for some. It's something I've been giving some thought to recently. I have quite a few friends, but not that one confident type friend. My friendships, we do things along side each other, play golf, go out to eat, movies, etc. But I miss that one close friend that I can confide too and vice versa. That and having lost my mom almost a year ago, I do feel that void and long for that type of connection. At the same time the loss of my mother caused me to reevaluate a couple friendships. I didn't see that coming as a side effect but I caught myself letting go of time wasters without looking back. I've recently outgrown my best friend, for reasons too long write here. We stay in touch but for the most part are estranged, emotionally. My boyfriend is a great listener but it's not quite the same. So, I get it. Don't have a great answer for you. You can't force friendships. You can just put yourself out there and see if something sticks. Link to comment
Camber 2019 Posted October 8, 2019 Author Share Posted October 8, 2019 So, I get it. Don't have a great answer for you. You can't force friendships. You can just put yourself out there and see if something sticks. Thanks Reinvent! I think it's more a matter of me not accepting the fact that they have dismissed me, rather than me wanting/needing friends. As I said. I am very active an do those side-by-side things with people... I just can't seem to move on from being "dissed"!!! Therein lies my problem! Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted October 8, 2019 Share Posted October 8, 2019 We left to get jobs in Hawaii 🌴🌊🌞I just think nobody lives in my part of the world. Link to comment
Rose Mosse Posted October 8, 2019 Share Posted October 8, 2019 Thanks Reinvent! I think it's more a matter of me not accepting the fact that they have dismissed me, rather than me wanting/needing friends. As I said. I am very active an do those side-by-side things with people... I just can't seem to move on from being "dissed"!!! Therein lies my problem! But this is normal though... most people don't like that. You are ok, Camber! I understand what you mean. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted October 8, 2019 Share Posted October 8, 2019 Funny you mention that... I have met a few people on eNA, and we did get together... for awhile, then... well - you know the story! I don't know the story! Link to comment
kim42 Posted October 8, 2019 Share Posted October 8, 2019 We left to get jobs in Hawaii 🌴🌊🌞 It's ok, I'll stay here with my pumpkin latte😊☕ Link to comment
Camber 2019 Posted October 8, 2019 Author Share Posted October 8, 2019 I don't know the story! I just meant that we became "good friends" and eventually lost touch with each other... Link to comment
Cherylyn Posted October 8, 2019 Share Posted October 8, 2019 Camber 2019, You sound just like me. I know people are very busy with their lives and I too have reached out to no avail. I hear crickets or radio silence, too. Don't take it personally. They don't care about you just like you don't care to get to know some people either. Get busy with your own life, do your own thing and let friendships happen depending upon mutual maintenance. I've found 1:1 friends hard to find. I only have a few 1:1 friends such as my local childhood friend whom I grew up with and another friend whom I've known for decades. Those are rare cases. Everyone else is a good acquaintance. Accept it for what it is. Try joining groups that interest you such as sports / fitness, hobbies, academics / intellectual pursuits, community volunteerism, charities, church, music, book clubs, cooking groups or whatever strikes your fancy. You have to start somewhere and this is a good way to put yourself out there. You have to start somewhere. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 Sometimes there are reasons other than “not caring” - certainly ghosting is not a caring thing to do. Some people have crises or chaos etc and just need to disappear for awhile. Others simply don’t care. I had one friend who stopped being in contact with me - it was too one sided and I’d known her over 20 years at that point and been in her wedding. 8 years later when I married and had a baby I randomly called her and it was like no time had passed. What I had to accept was - well what it seemed like to me was - she didn’t want to put in effort while I was single and she was a married mom if a small child in the suburbs. Also she had a scary medical condition that started a year or so before we got back in touch. We’re now very close again although mostly in touch by phone. She lives faraway. I could have decided to not be close to her because apparently I wasn’t enough when I was single but I decided that it was worth it to resume the friendship. I think she cared when we were apart and chose not to show it by keeping in touch. If I’m deluding myself so be it. I care a great deal about her and the last 10 years she’s shown that to me and my family too. Link to comment
Rose Mosse Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 Sometimes there are reasons other than “not caring” - certainly ghosting is not a caring thing to do. Some people have crises or chaos etc and just need to disappear for awhile. Others simply don’t care. I had one friend who stopped being in contact with me - it was too one sided and I’d known her over 20 years at that point and been in her wedding. 8 years later when I married and had a baby I randomly called her and it was like no time had passed. What I had to accept was - well what it seemed like to me was - she didn’t want to put in effort while I was single and she was a married mom if a small child in the suburbs. Also she had a scary medical condition that started a year or so before we got back in touch. We’re now very close again although mostly in touch by phone. She lives faraway. I could have decided to not be close to her because apparently I wasn’t enough when I was single but I decided that it was worth it to resume the friendship. I think she cared when we were apart and chose not to show it by keeping in touch. If I’m deluding myself so be it. I care a great deal about her and the last 10 years she’s shown that to me and my family too. I can relate to this. Link to comment
Carus Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 Something I’ve started doing recently with some friends is every now and then if I send them a message, I just don’t expect a reply. In fact I kinda expect they wont... So I send it with love and with the thought that they probably won’t reply...and that’s ok. Now people not replying to me was one of my biggest bugs bears for sure and still irks me a little. So adopting the above attitude has been great for my personal growth in that area* Like some others of you have said I too don’t really buy the ‘Too busy’ excuse. Really? With todays technology.... I just tapped out this post on my iPhone. Took me probably less than 4 mins.... :) Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 Something I’ve started doing recently with some friends is every now and then if I send them a message, I just don’t expect a reply. In fact I kinda expect they wont... So I send it with love and with the thought that they probably won’t reply...and that’s ok. Now people not replying to me was one of my biggest bugs bears for sure and still irks me a little. So adopting the above attitude has been great for my personal growth in that area* Like some others of you have said I too don’t really buy the ‘Too busy’ excuse. Really? With todays technology.... I just tapped out this post on my iPhone. Took me probably less than 4 mins.... :) I think the too busy comes in when the friend wants to find a block of time to properly catch up and can't manage to do that so instead she simply goes MIA (which I don't do but I get it). I also have friends who send me texts where they forgot to click send - weeks later -has happened to me too. Kind of amusing because it's such old news. Link to comment
Carus Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 I have/had a friend who I’ve known for over 35 years. We were very close and went on many adventures together. He drove 4 hours to be at my wedding and I did the same for his* Since my divorce and subsequent break down he became distant. I’ve sent him 3 messages in the last 3 months and got nothing in return...It’s ok. I get the hint. This is something I’ve experienced with about 90% of the people I knew since my divorce and it hurts a bit when it’s someone who I considered quite a significant person in my life. I guess it’s something we all deal with differently and that’s evident even in this thread.... It’s taking me a while but I’ll continue working on not letting it get me down too much.... Love n Light* Carus* Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 I have/had a friend who I’ve known for over 35 years. We were very close and went on many adventures together. He drove 4 hours to be at my wedding and I did the same for his* Since my divorce and subsequent break down he became distant. I’ve sent him 3 messages in the last 3 months and got nothing in return...It’s ok. I get the hint. This is something I’ve experienced with about 90% of the people I knew since my divorce and it hurts a bit when it’s someone who I considered quite a significant person in my life. I guess it’s something we all deal with differently and that’s evident even in this thread.... It’s taking me a while but I’ll continue working on not letting it get me down too much.... Love n Light* Carus* I'm so sorry this happened and I hope you find people who are worthy of your friendship. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 It seems the OP has disappeared? 🤔 Link to comment
Carus Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 I'm so sorry this happened and I hope you find people who are worthy of your friendship. Thanks Bataya* That’s very kind of you* What I have found is it seems a lot of people only want to know you when things are good. I kind of understand though because that same lot of people just aren’t equipped to know how to handle it if and when the dark night falls* It seems the OP has disappeared? 🤔 That’d be right! lol Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 Thanks Bataya* That’s very kind of you* What I have found is it seems a lot of people only want to know you when things are good. I kind of understand though because that same lot of people just aren’t equipped to know how to handle it if and when the dark night falls* That’d be right! lol Just to be clear I am not like that at all. I'm there no matter what as long as I am being treated with respect. Link to comment
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