Here again. Updates in relation to previous situation and further advice needed

[Chloej123]

Because things ended badly and I agreed to it, I am now concerned for what he is able to do and what he will say. The trip was extortionate, he knows that. I also don’t get why he would keep me in his social media after I removed him. I am completely done but the fear of how he will act next has prevented me from fully blocking him. I actually want him to move on, so I can too. He has just turned this whole thing incredibly nasty, from the demeaning of the payment to somewhat threatening messages if I don’t. I am so worried as I’ve never actually been in this scenario before. He has a really nasty side and knows some nasty people, which I guess is why I feel so worried too.

[reinventmyself]

All of this would have been a non issues had you not agreed to pay. He's butt hurt and lashing out. I'd block him and he'll calm down eventually. This seems like a pretty stressful situation that you don' t need to expose yourself to any further. So what if he talks smack about you? Those closest to you know the truth and what really matters here is you do too. Shrug it off, block him and take care of yourself.

 

Honestly, what recourse does he have? He'd have to spend money to recoup any money lost and cancelling reservations is typically just a service fee, not always the entire amount.

 

About you texting him that you are done - I agree with others that asked why you text someone who was apparently gone to begin with. It could very well be to get a reaction. It's ok. We've all probably done it. But as I was reading how you handled it, I can't help but think there are times we do something like this, not necessarily to get a response. We do it for ourselves. Especially when we are struggling to enforce our boundaries. Telling someone who's already walked away that we are done makes it final - for ourselves. You don't know if he'll be back and to move forward you might have merely wanted to make sure the door was locked behind him. Now get the courage to shut down the other forms of contact .

 

He can only scare you if you let him. None of this is a good enough reason to leave the lines of communication open. It actually reinforces the need to close them.

[boltnrun]

I figured you would come up with some excuse why you "can't " block him.

 

What do you plan to do the next time he invites you on a trip for his own convenience?

[Cope]

Chloe, I get it, you're scared. Do you think he will do something worse out of anger? Are you afraid of him physically attacking you? Do you think blocking him will aggravate him more?

[Chloej123]

This is exactly it. He’s pissed, and he has some not very nice associates. Who yes, I am scared of. I am scared to block him because I honestly don’t know what he will do. He is EXTREMELY unpredictable and has the worst anger issues I’ve ever witnessed among anybody.

[Chloej123]

Cope said it below. I am scared of him, what he , or mainly other or his associates will do. He has severe anger issues, and this is is honestly something which I cannot predict what he will do. He knows my address of course, my family’s, my place of work. He has belongings of mine still (not that I care or want these back) . So it is just highly concerning me the abuse I will get through other means or people. I can’t put into words over the internet what he is like. But a highly unpredictable, angry individual with friends who have done bad things. Which I know about. They would have no respect for me or think twice about me for doing something on his order.

[Chloej123]

There will be no trip. I don’t want anything to do with him, as he doesn’t with me. This has now turned so nasty and now turned into money and bitterness . Which of course, I’m scared of. I never want to go through this again with anyone. I’m scared to even allow myself to get to know anyone again.

[Chloej123]

I wish I hadn’t agreed to pay. I have and now this has just blown up an entire storm. I really just want to pay it so he can leave me alone and I pray that this is over I can then block him. Financially as I said, it’s extortionate and he would have to accept the time it would take me. It’s not like he needs this money, as I said, it’s turned nasty and now there is nothing I can do about it and I am fearful

[ninjabib]

Why did you find a man like this attractive? He sounds awful, i think you need therapy.

[Cope]

Oh dammit. Is there anyone you can talk to? Including a lawyer perhaps? Although I don't see anything you can do legally, but I'm no lawyer. Do you think that he will stop if you pay him back?

[Chloej123]

I really don’t know. I got blindsided in the beginning and manipulated. I think I need therapy too. I’m trying to find the best way to go about things now.

[reinventmyself]

I wish I hadn’t agreed to pay. I have and now this has just blown up an entire storm. I really just want to pay it so he can leave me alone and I pray that this is over I can then block him. Financially as I said, it’s extortionate and he would have to accept the time it would take me. It’s not like he needs this money, as I said, it’s turned nasty and now there is nothing I can do about it and I am fearful

This isn't about the money. It's about his ego. Just let him cool off a bit.

[bluecastle]

This isn't about the money. It's about his ego. Just let him cool off a bit.

 

Exactly.

 

I know you're deep in the spins right now, and I don't want to minimize his temper, but this whole thing, at least from these seats, is just an extension of the same pattern between you two: you back away, he lashes out like a baby, and you respond. A week or so back it was calling you immature for blocking him on Instagram, the other day it was demanding money for the trip.

 

Here's the the thing: so far this has always, always, always worked. He gets a response. If you just don't respond—if you just treat him like someone who does not exist anymore in your life—I think you'll find this whole thing just goes away. He'll get drunk once or twice and say dumb sh*t about you. Then he'll get drunk and hit on some random. Life goes on.

 

Again, I'm not trying to downplay that he can be a loose cannon. But just don't make it more dramatic than it needs to be. He has not been abusive with you—he's just been a d-bag. He's being one now. Let him be one elsewhere. That's what gets him off. Without a peep from you he'll need to get off elsewhere.

[reinventmyself]

he lashes out like a baby, and you respond. A week or so back it was calling you immature for blocking him on Instagram, the other day it was demanding money for the trip.

 

Here's the the thing: so far this has always, always, always worked. He gets a response

And be prepared that when he realizes being the big bad wolf doesn't work, he'll think of something else to get a rise out of you.

Just don't reward him.

[Wiseman2]

Either you are letting your anxiety run away with you or he is as bad as you say in which case you would delete and block him from everything and get a restraining order. It sounds more like you want to maintain the connection to him.

This is exactly it. He’s pissed, and he has some not very nice associates. Who yes, I am scared of. I am scared to block him because I honestly don’t know what he will do. He is EXTREMELY unpredictable and has the worst anger issues I’ve ever witnessed among anybody.

[Chloej123]

My anxiety is severe but he also is that bad. I also stupidly agreed to pay it so now I’m in this never ending scenario with him. I absolutely do not want any form of contact, I would give anything to not have this final tie to him. I feel intimated by him and we aren’t speaking of course, other than when he texts me asking when I will be paying for the trip. Then complaining asking what is the delay. Of course it’s just giving me more and more anxiety and I haven’t got a clue what to do for the best.

[katrina1980]

I wish I hadn’t agreed to pay. I have and now this has just blown up an entire storm. I really just want to pay it so he can leave me alone and I pray that this is over I can then block him. Financially as I said, it’s extortionate and he would have to accept the time it would take me. It’s not like he needs this money, as I said, it’s turned nasty and now there is nothing I can do about it and I am fearful

 

Chloe re your agreeing to pay, unless there is something in writing, he does not have a leg to stand on, it's your word against his. And you only agreed after the fact, out of duress.

 

He invited you to go, it was a gift, you know it and HE knows it, and there is no court of law that is going to dispute that, unless, again there is something in writing that you signed agreeing to pay.

 

THAT is the legal aspect of it. And he knows it, so please stop stressing yourself out about it.

 

He's playing you and using that as a way to intimidate you, can you not see that? I mean it's just so obvious!

 

Who is this bozo anyway, you say he's some big shot a pro football player? Is he also in the Mafia or something? Who are these "people" who do bad things and whom you believe will hurt you?

 

If you truly feel this way, go to the police. Tell them everything you have told us, and get a restraining order.

 

And for the love of all that is beautiful girl, block him!

 

At this point, all this stress you are feeling is of your own making. None of it is necessary, none whatsoever.

 

I dunno Chloe, there is a part of me that believes you're choosing to hang on to this drama as a way to stay close to him. Fear of finally letting go.

 

Letting go is just too painful and you're not ready yet, so you hang tightly to this drama, perhaps even create it, as a way to hold on, when in reality all it's doing is keeping you stuck, and preventing you from moving on.

[bluecastle]

I'm pretty much in agreement with Katrina here.

 

Look, here's an option to split the difference. Text him once saying: "I can't pay for the trip—apologies for the confusion. It wasn't brought up when you asked me to join you; if it had been, I would have said no for financial reasons. I didn't have the money then, I don't now. I know emotions are running hot right now between us, but we've both learned we're better apart than together. I wish you the best."

 

And that is THAT.

 

I don't think he's "that bad," Chloe. I think he's a swaggering d-bag with an ego the size of Everest who is used to getting his way because he's got some money and a six pack. These dudes are a dime a dozen. He'll huff and puff for a minute. He'll diss you over drinks, try to get it on with someone else, and probably try the sweet stuff again. Then he'll be bored when he realizes there's nothing in the pipe he's trying to hit.

 

But you won't have to deal with any of that because he'll be blocked on every platform and you'll steer clear of him. In time—a week, a month max—he'll be a person from your past rather than a ghost haunting you.

 

If you are brutally honest with yourself, I think you still want him haunting you. No judgement. People get under our skin, and it can be hard to let go, even when we know they're more of an infection than anything else. Still, scared as you are of him I think you're more scared of what life will feel like without the drama.

[boltnrun]

Why did you agree to pay? Were you trying to get back on his "good side"?

[katrina1980]

 

Look, here's an option to split the difference. Text him once saying: "I can't pay for the trip—apologies for the confusion. It wasn't brought up when you asked me to join you; if it had been, I would have said no for financial reasons. I didn't have the money then, I don't now. I know emotions are running hot right now between us, but we've both learned we're better apart than together. I wish you the best."

 

 

Thanks for agreeing with me bc, but I gotta disagree with the above.

 

Chloe, you don't owe him any explanation! None, nada, zippo. If he wants to take issue with that, let him (he won't at least not legally) but you don't need to say another word about it, nor should you.

 

Again you said it after the fact out of duress (he was harassing you!), there is nothing proving you said it, and it was a GIFT. And he knows it!

 

Do you really think he's gonna take issue with it legally, knowing full well you only agreed because he was harassing you? Harassment is against the law!

 

Chloe, seriously, you shouldn't even be talking to this egomaniac anymore, let alone explaining why you can't pay for the trip.

 

Again, he's just using it as a way to wind you up and boy is it working.

 

Block him! Put an end to this lunacy once and for all.

[bluecastle]

Heck, I disagree with me.

 

But we've been banging the "block him" drum for a while now, and something is not clicking. Maybe I'm the only one who remembers, but two weeks ago this was a dude she was on the fence about, who then went away, lost the spark, posted some stuff on Instagram, gave her some sh*t for blocking him on Instagram, after which he was the most awesome guy ever—or at least a guy awesome enough to keep engaging with until she couldn't see straight.

 

Something is not adding up, I'm sorry.

 

I believe you want to be done with this chapter, Chloe, so I'm just trying to help you carve a path that gets you there with the tools you're working with. If I believed you had it in you to just shut the door, I'd keep banging that drum. But I don't, I'm sorry.

[katrina1980]

I agree blue, something is not adding up.

 

I could be wrong, but I think it's this.

 

 

I dunno Chloe, there is a part of me that believes you're choosing to hang on to this drama as a way to stay close to him. Fear of finally letting go.

 

Letting go is just too painful and you're not ready yet, so you hang tightly to this drama, perhaps even create it, as a way to keep him close, when in reality all it's doing is keeping you stuck, and preventing you from moving on.

[boltnrun]

I wonder why all the abusive stuff is only now coming out, after he started rejecting you again.

 

Chloe, if he's as bad as you describe why were you so upset when he seemingly dumped you and why were you so eager to go on this trip with him?

[Wiseman2]

Yes, all of a sudden he is abusive and scary. You are using this trip dialogue to reconnect with him. Legally it was a gift. Who are you rehearsing to convince that he is violently abusive now and yet you want to stay connected over this invented trip nonsense? You refuse to block him. You refuse to get a restraining order. You refuse to even look up your rights legally regarding this trip.

 

Basically all you are doing is hanging on whatsapp hoping again, that he will change and miraculously become prince charming and marry you and happily ever after. That in the same breath as how scary and violent he is. There is a loop of repetition about you can't block him and you owe him for the trip. Yet both of these are false statements.

I wonder why all the abusive stuff is only now coming out, after he started rejecting you again. Chloe, if he's as bad as you describe why were you so upset when he seemingly dumped you and why were you so eager to go on this trip with him?

[ninjabib]

Yep, alarm bells ringing loudly. No mention that he was a vile man or you were at all worried/scared of him when you wanted to be with him and now he's a violent thug who you live in daily fear of and cannot possibily cut contact with in spite of everything.

 

I am out. Good luck OP.