Social media and dating

[greendots]

Nowadays, there's too much value placed on social media.

 

For instance, you'll find a few pictures of me and some friends on my profile. But some of my closest friends I have no pictures of. Nor have they necessarily posted pictures of us. Doesn't mean we appreciate each other any less. Whilst I understand that social media has its benefits, I don't need others to know my exact whereabouts or minutiae of my everyday life. This includes dating.

 

In contrast, some friends love sharing - some more than others. That's cool. However, our friendship is not based on our interactions on social media. It's how we connect with each other and treat each other offline that matters. This includes dating, too.

 

A guy may be perfect on paper, i.e. his social media profile, but how he actually treats you, connects with you, whether he respects you IRL - that's what matters.

[boltnrun]

This relationship has been bad for years.

 

Why do you stay? "But I LOVE him!!!"???

[Annia]

Seems to be.

 

I did a little research here, mandee, and...well, ooof. In December of 2016—so dang near coming up on three years ago—you posted almost this exact thing about someone who, I presume, is the same guy? The same guy who, a year ago, you "trusted 60 percent"? The same guy who, last July, you said "doesn't see me as a person"?

 

Now, I can easily rip your boyfriend to shreds from what you've posted about him, because dude seems...well, you already know. You're with him, being torn to shreds inside this relationship. Which leads me to the real question here: Why keep doubling (and quadrupling and quintupling) down on a dude who keeps bringing you down?

 

Putting on my shrink cap, I'd say this is all a bit connected to the relationship you were in before—the "trauma bond" one. Sounds like it did a number on you, as many relationships can. But I can't help but wonder if you're trying to act that last relationship out with another guy with the same issues—maybe hoping to alleviate that trauma by getting different results?

 

Something to chew on. Yeah, I know I took this off topic, but that's just because I don't believe this post—its subject matter and what led you to post it—has anything to do with, well, posting on social media.

 

When I read this thread I didn't remember the other posts about the guy. This relationship seems to be full of issues or at least bringing out lots of insecurities in the OP…

[mandeelove]

Yes same guy ,been together 3 years. I try to fix the underlying issues, try to work it out but I think the issue is,nothing really gets solved. He sweeps it under the rug and I eventually go along with it. ..Until it bothers me again. The social media thing hasnt come up because we havent been traveling so theres nothing major to post. About a year ago we went on a big trip. Same thing happened... (No trace of me on the site). So Ive been kind of trained to just do things his way in the end. Well now we went away again and it happened again. Im not fighting with anyone on here. If the relationship was solid , Id not care so much about social media. But being its very up and down, him posting friends only from the same trip ,and not me is just another way I dont feel reassured. Behind closed doors he doesnt give me reassurance. I have to alter so he can have it his way. This is why social media would be a big statement in my eyes. Sad to say it.

 

Yeah I have alot of feelings for this guy. I see he has alot of potential ,he just refuses to grow with me. Hes just as immature (relationship speaking) as when we first met. I dont know how to walk away leaving it all behind. Its hard for me to give up on people I care for but its only hurting me. Hes fine.

[katrina1980]

@ Annia, yeah but as our beloved FIO always says, mandee is getting something from this otherwise she'd leave.

 

I think it's his wealth, power, high status or so she deems it to be.

 

She enjoys the lifestyle even when on flights, he reduces her by seating her in coach while he enjoys the perks of first class.

 

Can you imagine, your wealthy bf purchasing a ticket for you in business class, while he sits and enjoys first class?

 

I still haven't gotten over that one, I can't even imagine it.

 

But mandee doesn't mind, it's a trade off.

 

Enjoying his wealth, status, his lifestyle but feeling like crap inside.

 

I couldn't do it, but to each her own.

[saluk]

Yes same guy ,been together 3 years. I try to fix the underlying issues, try to work it out but I think the issue is,nothing really gets solved. He sweeps it under the rug and I eventually go along with it. ..Until it bothers me again. The social media thing hasnt come up because we havent been traveling so theres nothing major to post. About a year ago we went on a big trip. Same thing happened... (No trace of me on the site). So Ive been kind of trained to just do things his way in the end. Well now we went away again and it happened again. Im not fighting with anyone on here. If the relationship was solid , Id not care so much about social media. But being its very up and down, him posting friends only from the same trip ,and not me is just another way I dont feel reassured. Behind closed doors he doesnt give me reassurance. I have to alter so he can have it his way. This is why social media would be a big statement in my eyes. Sad to say it.

 

Yeah I have alot of feelings for this guy. I see he has alot of potential ,he just refuses to grow with me. Hes just as immature (relationship speaking) as when we first met. I dont know how to walk away leaving it all behind. Its hard for me to give up on people I care for but its only hurting me. Hes fine.

 

Showing you off on social media and not giving you assurances in person WOULD BE WORSE!

 

How can you say that "he has potential" and "he refuses to grow" in the same sentance!? He's not growing, he's not going to change, he's not going to reassure you about any of your fears, he's not really going to be affected if you "give up" on him because what is he really getting out of this anyway, he's hurting you every day just by the fact that you are trapped in this situation. He DOESN'T have potential. This relationship is never going to go where you want it to, and you are just going to be disappointed forever, unless you can find a way out. You wouldn't be leaving anything behind. There's nothing to leave behind. It's nothing. Why are you clinging to nothing.

 

Your feelings for this guy are a mirage. You like the drama. You like the highs you get after all the lows.

[katrina1980]

Mandee, how long do you tell yourself stories that he has "potential"?

 

It's been three years!! Seriously?

 

He's NOT changing and after three years, you either accept this is the way its always gonna be, or you say goodbye.

 

Telling yourself these stories to justify staying in a relationship w a man who makes you feel like utter crap should be getting real old for you by now.

 

I'm wondering why it hasn't and sort of validates my theory you stay for the status and lifestyle, which is your choice, but own it girl, instead of complaining about him ad nauseum.

[bluecastle]

Mandee? Potential is for your first month or so with someone, when you don't know them and are exploring the potential of getting involved with them. After three years? What you have there is an actual thing.

 

You know what this is, how it will go, what it feels like. There's zero mystery, no surprise around the corner where up-and-down stabilizes, where a few chips fall into place and—presto!—you feel like you "exist" more than you do right now.

 

That guy you dated before him really left a mark, huh? He had some money, too, but treated you terribly. Now you've got another guy with some money who treats you terribly. Per my last post, I think what you're trying to do is make your last relationship work by putting up with more of the same in this one. Because if you can do that you can avoid the really hard thing, which is looking in the mirror and seeing a woman who has spent something like the past 5-6 years investing in the potential of men who treat her terribly.

 

Hard stuff to think about, I know. Easier to think about social media, to see if you can squeeze him enough to post a little kissy shot next time you're standing by an ocean. And, yeah, that'll make you feel better—but it's basically the same way doing three shots of whiskey will make me feel better if I'm on a sinking ship in the middle of the ocean.

[mandeelove]

Mandee? Potential is for your first month or so with someone, when you don't know them and are exploring the potential of getting involved with them. After three years? What you have there is an actual thing.

 

You know what this is, how it will go, what it feels like. There's zero mystery, no surprise around the corner where up-and-down stabilizes, where a few chips fall into place and—presto!—you feel like you "exist" more than you do right now.

 

That guy you dated before him really left a mark, huh? He had some money, too, but treated you terribly. Now you've got another guy with some money who treats you terribly. Per my last post, I think what you're trying to do is make your last relationship work by putting up with more of the same in this one. Because if you can do that you can avoid the really hard thing, which is looking in the mirror and seeing a woman who has spent something like the past 5-6 years investing in the potential of men who treat her terribly.

 

Hard stuff to think about, I know. Easier to think about social media, to see if you can squeeze him enough to post a little kissy shot next time you're standing by an ocean. And, yeah, that'll make you feel better—but it's basically the same way doing three shots of whiskey will make me feel better if I'm on a sinking ship in the middle of the ocean.

No the guy with money is the same relationship. Its not 2 different relationships. Its the same man. This is my life for years.

I agree with what youre saying. I just dont know how to get out. Money is totally irrelevant. He happens to be successful but its not why Im trapped with him or why I am with him. We dont live together (,never have)and he hasnt supported me financially ever . These vacations we take are free for him as he wins them through work. Its not like es giving me this crazy lifestyle. Not at all.

[greendots]

When I tell him to see me for me and my good qualities before he sees my paycheck, he seems to shrug me off. He says my personality wont pay the bills.

(from 2018)

 

If the relationship was solid , Id not care so much about social media. But being its very up and down, him posting friends only from the same trip ,and not me is just another way I dont feel reassured. Behind closed doors he doesnt give me reassurance. I have to alter so he can have it his way. This is why social media would be a big statement in my eyes. Sad to say it.

 

Yeah I have alot of feelings for this guy. I see he has alot of potential ,he just refuses to grow with me. Hes just as immature (relationship speaking) as when we first met. I dont know how to walk away leaving it all behind. Its hard for me to give up on people I care for but its only hurting me. Hes fine.

 

I get it - breaking free is tough when you have a lot of feelings for someone. But have you honestly asked yourself what you would be leaving behind?

 

It's not my place to tell people whether they should leave their significant others or not. I do like to remind people that they are worth it. And so are you! The relationship isn't solid, nor does he seem to care about this, nor be upfront about what he wants from you. He is the guy that was more interested in your paycheck than you! To me, that's disrespectful. So when someone doesn't respect you, that's not okay.

[saluk]

No the guy with money is the same relationship. Its not 2 different relationships. Its the same man. This is my life for years.

I agree with what youre saying. I just dont know how to get out. Money is totally irrelevant. He happens to be successful but its not why Im trapped with him or why I am with him. We dont live together (,never have)and he hasnt supported me financially ever . These vacations we take are free for him as he wins them through work. Its not like es giving me this crazy lifestyle. Not at all.

 

You don't sound happy, and he doesn't sound worth sticking around for. You don't live together... can't you just stop seeing him? Maybe find a friend to stay with for a while who can help you not feel so lonely?

[Batya33]

Yes same guy ,been together 3 years. I try to fix the underlying issues, try to work it out but I think the issue is,nothing really gets solved. He sweeps it under the rug and I eventually go along with it. ..Until it bothers me again. The social media thing hasnt come up because we havent been traveling so theres nothing major to post. About a year ago we went on a big trip. Same thing happened... (No trace of me on the site). So Ive been kind of trained to just do things his way in the end. Well now we went away again and it happened again. Im not fighting with anyone on here. If the relationship was solid , Id not care so much about social media. But being its very up and down, him posting friends only from the same trip ,and not me is just another way I dont feel reassured. Behind closed doors he doesnt give me reassurance. I have to alter so he can have it his way. This is why social media would be a big statement in my eyes. Sad to say it.

 

Yeah I have alot of feelings for this guy. I see he has alot of potential ,he just refuses to grow with me. Hes just as immature (relationship speaking) as when we first met. I dont know how to walk away leaving it all behind. Its hard for me to give up on people I care for but its only hurting me. Hes fine.

 

He's not refusing to grow. He's choosing to act in a certain way -and not to act in others -because like most people he moves towards pleasure and away from pain. He knows from experience that you'll stick around even if he treats you like you don't matter. So, why should he do the work? He's not supposed to "reassure you" - you know why? Because in a healthy relationship it would be very very unusual to need reassurance -it would be the exception not the rule -your relationship would be your safe, comfortable place - listen to Billy Joel's "You're My Home". Yes, we are human, we all need reassurance at times - like if you argue with your partner you might hug each other to reconnect -to give reassurance that you're ok again (or you always were). It's exhausting to have to reassure someone all the time and a real turn off.

 

It's not hard because you care about him. It's hard because you're afraid of being "alone" and of the "what ifs" -what if you never meet anyone, what if you don't get to travel for a long time, etc etc. You're not "giving up on someone you care about" because as you know, you can stop being his girlfriend and continue to be a supportive friend if he needed that kind of support -or you can offer to be someone who he can call in a crisis as long as it's in a way that is respectful to you since you won't be a couple anymore. Please don't tell yourself stories about how you're just so caring that you stick around in unhealthy situations. That's not why, and you know it. But he is not "refusing". He is "choosing" - because he can - he doesn't have to put in effort because you'll be there no matter how he treats you.

 

This morning my husband really disappointed me in something he did. We couldn't talk about it (logistically) until later in the morning. I was still upset with him when I returned from various errands and work 4 hours later. He met me at the door and I said as calmly as possible that I wanted an apology -he interrupted me in the middle and said "let me say something first, ok?" I then said "ok but I want an apology". He said "I'm sorry about what happened this morning". I said "ok - but what else were you going to say?" "Oh, that's what I was going to say".

 

It's not always that awesome - he doesn't always quickly apologize, acknowledge, etc. I've known him for 24 years and we've been together for 14 years now. So you might think after 14 years he'd take me for granted and figure I'd get over his somewhat thoughtless behavior that morning - and on my end I was trying my best to let it go - but yes I needed the apology -a quickie -and didn't need a whole talk about the behavior. Find someone who values you enough that after 14 years the first thing he wants to tell you when he has the chance is that he is sorry he was a cause of the rough morning you ended up having. That he puts aside his stubborn streak, the temptation to hope that I'd let it go so he wouldn't have to apologize - and step up to the plate and go for the apology. Find that especially if you want marriage and family because there will be many challenging days and many juggling days. Be with someone who has your back most if not all of the time and stop the fantasy of "I'm such a caring person that I just can't abandon him even though he treats me like yesterday's news." Be his headline.

[Hollyj]

I agree. If a person is private 100 percent, I'd expect them to be private overall. But no, he would add him and friends,family etc. Just doesn't add me. We recently went on vacation where some of his friends were there too. He posted the pic of his friend and him, as well as scenery, but none of him and I. That's what makes it upsetting.

 

You have had problems with this guy for years, yet you continue. Why do you expect anything different? He will not change! Wake up!

[Hollyj]

It's falling on deaf ears, folks!

[boltnrun]

Mandee, the best thing to do (since you refuse to leave) is stop complaining and accept. Accept him the way he is. Accept that you don't want any better for yourself. Accept that feeling lousy about the way be treats you is the way your life will be. Forever. Instead of complaining, tell yourself to just go along with it. Because it's obvious this is the relationship you want, crave and choose.

[bluecastle]

Mandee, the best thing to do (since you refuse to leave) is stop complaining and accept. Accept him the way he is. Accept that you don't want any better for yourself. Accept that feeling lousy about the way be treats you is the way your life will be. Forever. Instead of complaining, tell yourself to just go along with it. Because it's obvious this is the relationship you want, crave and choose.

 

This is great advice—genuinely.

 

I don't know how old you are, but I think, in my cursory skimming of other threads, that your boyfriend is around 39. Assuming you're in that ballpark—well, this isn't two developing kids who got twisted into a knot. It's two adults making an informed choice for over half a decade. No saints, no sinners, no victims, no abusers. If you wanted something else—someone showing you off on social media, moving in with you, procreating with you, whatever—you'd seek it. People are basically magnets, in the end: we attach onto what we want.

 

You're both getting exactly what you want, a relationship fueled and knit together by a cycle of highs, lows, tensions, hopes, and so on. If you can embrace that (the actual) rather than hoping for something different (the illusory potential) you may be able to find something like peace and contentment. This has been your life for years, as you said. The best lives are those lived without apology, without doubt.

 

So maybe next time a little thorn pokes in your side—next time you take a trip and he doesn't tag you in a post, because of course that's on the horizon—just smile and remind yourself that you're choosing this. That momentary low is the door opening to the next high. There's power in owning that, because it's the truth, and there's comfort and security in both power and honesty.

[Wiseman2]

Some people do not need to be social media stars/impress anyone and also respect the privacy of others by Not plastering their photos everywhere. Red flag? No. Common sense and maturity, perhaps.

If you are 100 percent exclusive and committed to a person and you did some fun things together such as(vacation, scenic outting etc) would you add a picture to your social media of you together? How much of a red flag is it,if one person in the relationship never posts your picture?

[Batya33]

I don't agree with the opinion that he's not into social media. He is, he posts photos of other people on vacation with him, other photos of his vacation, other photos. Just not with her. And I don't think this is about social media at all. She's admitted as much. It's another example of how she sees that he doesn't show he cares about her in many many ways, that she doesn't feel cared for, respected or admired enough of the time (I wrote enough because the OP tends to leap on stuff like that with "well yes he respects and admires and cares about me just not this time, this time, and that other time") - obviously it is not enough for her. From what she writes about him over the years it would not be enough for me either, FWIW.

 

But yes OP -you move towards pleasure and away from pain because you are a human being. So accept that the pleasure you get out of being with him is worth the pain. I can't imagine what pleasure you get out of being in this arrangement but it's not for me to judge. Acceptance - not complaining. Acceptance of the now which won't change not the potential -potential is meaningless in your situation.

 

My friend recently ended a 10 year on and off relationship with a handsome guy who acts like a jerk. I know he's handsome because many years ago he asked me for a first meet on an online dating site. I found him a bit sarcastic on the phone but would have met him except for one thing. He lied about his age -I think he "confessed" on the phone and that was a dealbreaker to me. He was nasty when I declined. Had all sorts of excuses why he lied.

 

But she met him and dated on and off for 10 years including two engagements -they broke up in the last couple of months. We're back in touch recently. She told me that the dealbreaker for her was discovering that he was addicted to porn. She needed something like that to leave him despite the on and off based on him treating her similarly to how your boyfriend treats you - putting her down, keeping her as an option, telling her he wasn't sure about them (he was in sales -isn't your boyfriend in sales? interesting right?).

 

She is a very attractive woman. Over the past 10 years it looks like she has put on at least 50 pounds. She looks bloated and very large. She is not a skinny person and she always had a lovely figure before this significant weight gain. I am sure it is because she chose to be with someone who didn't care and that contributed to her not caring for herself. She's in her mid to late 40s now. She'd wanted a family. Time is running out now of course. And her pretty face is buried in tons of fat and bloat. Don't let this happen to you. It's not worth it.

[mandeelove]

I don't agree with the opinion that he's not into social media. He is, he posts photos of other people on vacation with him, other photos of his vacation, other photos. Just not with her. And I don't think this is about social media at all. She's admitted as much. It's another example of how she sees that he doesn't show he cares about her in many many ways, that she doesn't feel cared for, respected or admired enough of the time (I wrote enough because the OP tends to leap on stuff like that with "well yes he respects and admires and cares about me just not this time, this time, and that other time") - obviously it is not enough for her. From what she writes about him over the years it would not be enough for me either, FWIW.

 

But yes OP -you move towards pleasure and away from pain because you are a human being. So accept that the pleasure you get out of being with him is worth the pain. I can't imagine what pleasure you get out of being in this arrangement but it's not for me to judge. Acceptance - not complaining. Acceptance of the now which won't change not the potential -potential is meaningless in your situation.

 

My friend recently ended a 10 year on and off relationship with a handsome guy who acts like a jerk. I know he's handsome because many years ago he asked me for a first meet on an online dating site. I found him a bit sarcastic on the phone but would have met him except for one thing. He lied about his age -I think he "confessed" on the phone and that was a dealbreaker to me. He was nasty when I declined. Had all sorts of excuses why he lied.

 

But she met him and dated on and off for 10 years including two engagements -they broke up in the last couple of months. We're back in touch recently. She told me that the dealbreaker for her was discovering that he was addicted to porn. She needed something like that to leave him despite the on and off based on him treating her similarly to how your boyfriend treats you - putting her down, keeping her as an option, telling her he wasn't sure about them (he was in sales -isn't your boyfriend in sales? interesting right?).

 

She is a very attractive woman. Over the past 10 years it looks like she has put on at least 50 pounds. She looks bloated and very large. She is not a skinny person and she always had a lovely figure before this significant weight gain. I am sure it is because she chose to be with someone who didn't care and that contributed to her not caring for herself. She's in her mid to late 40s now. She'd wanted a family. Time is running out now of course. And her pretty face is buried in tons of fat and bloat. Don't let this happen to you. It's not worth it.

Thank you for understanding. Im actually not happy with the arrangement and the pleasure of it is scarce, its not worth it now. I told myself this would be the last vacation and especially if he doesnt act like he cares or doesnt post my picture . I saw him on the beach posting pics,taking those live videos, bringing the camera just far enough until it reached me. God for bid he got me in it. This drives me nuts. I know its not just me. Its been a week since the vacation and somehow he twisted it to make me feel like Im nuts for wanting a pic of the two of us. God for bid if I ask , hes going to hang up the phone for 24 hours,not engage in any convo regarding it

 

 

So Im pretty sure this isnt going to work. We've been together 3 years. Passed that mark a few weeks ago and nothing changed. He actually forgot our anniversary and when I told him he forgot,he said I was being overdramatic. I pushed that down too and actually said who cares about an anniversary. But I actually do .

 

I dont want to accept how it is. Thats why Im in this. I know its wrong. I guess I just have to walk away and be done with it. Or like youre friend Im going to invest more years and be bitter and it will start to show on me. I dont want that either. Thanks

[Billie28]

Just jumping in now on this thread and it seems to have had a lot of opinions.

 

OP, forgive me if the question has been raised before, but have you ever posted pictures of the two of you on social media? And tagged him?

[mandeelove]

Just jumping in now on this thread and it seems to have had a lot of opinions.

 

OP, forgive me if the question has been raised before, but have you ever posted pictures of the two of you on social media? And tagged him?

Yes I post on my page about him a few times a year . Even if he wasnt posting of me.

I tagged him once but that was it. I feel if a person doesnt want to post me, tagging would be pushy. I dont even bother with that.

[Hollyj]

Thank you for understanding. Im actually not happy with the arrangement and the pleasure of it is scarce, its not worth it now. I told myself this would be the last vacation and especially if he doesnt act like he cares or doesnt post my picture . I saw him on the beach posting pics,taking those live videos, bringing the camera just far enough until it reached me. God for bid he got me in it. This drives me nuts. I know its not just me. Its been a week since the vacation and somehow he twisted it to make me feel like Im nuts for wanting a pic of the two of us. God for bid if I ask , hes going to hang up the phone for 24 hours,not engage in any convo regarding it

 

 

So Im pretty sure this isnt going to work. We've been together 3 years. Passed that mark a few weeks ago and nothing changed. He actually forgot our anniversary and when I told him he forgot,he said I was being overdramatic. I pushed that down too and actually said who cares about an anniversary. But I actually do .

 

I dont want to accept how it is. Thats why Im in this. I know its wrong. I guess I just have to walk away and be done with it. Or like youre friend Im going to invest more years and be bitter and it will start to show on me. I dont want that either. Thanks

 

What do you get out of this?

[boltnrun]

Thank you for understanding. Im actually not happy with the arrangement and the pleasure of it is scarce, its not worth it now. I told myself this would be the last vacation and especially if he doesnt act like he cares or doesnt post my picture . I saw him on the beach posting pics,taking those live videos, bringing the camera just far enough until it reached me. God for bid he got me in it. This drives me nuts. I know its not just me. Its been a week since the vacation and somehow he twisted it to make me feel like Im nuts for wanting a pic of the two of us. God for bid if I ask , hes going to hang up the phone for 24 hours,not engage in any convo regarding it

 

 

So Im pretty sure this isnt going to work. We've been together 3 years. Passed that mark a few weeks ago and nothing changed. He actually forgot our anniversary and when I told him he forgot,he said I was being overdramatic. I pushed that down too and actually said who cares about an anniversary. But I actually do .

 

I dont want to accept how it is. Thats why Im in this. I know its wrong. I guess I just have to walk away and be done with it. Or like youre friend Im going to invest more years and be bitter and it will start to show on me. I dont want that either. Thanks

 

Does this seem better to you than being "alone"?

[Batya33]

Thank you for understanding. Im actually not happy with the arrangement and the pleasure of it is scarce, its not worth it now. I told myself this would be the last vacation and especially if he doesnt act like he cares or doesnt post my picture . I saw him on the beach posting pics,taking those live videos, bringing the camera just far enough until it reached me. God for bid he got me in it. This drives me nuts. I know its not just me. Its been a week since the vacation and somehow he twisted it to make me feel like Im nuts for wanting a pic of the two of us. God for bid if I ask , hes going to hang up the phone for 24 hours,not engage in any convo regarding it

 

 

So Im pretty sure this isnt going to work. We've been together 3 years. Passed that mark a few weeks ago and nothing changed. He actually forgot our anniversary and when I told him he forgot,he said I was being overdramatic. I pushed that down too and actually said who cares about an anniversary. But I actually do .

 

I dont want to accept how it is. Thats why Im in this. I know its wrong. I guess I just have to walk away and be done with it. Or like youre friend Im going to invest more years and be bitter and it will start to show on me. I dont want that either. Thanks

 

Good if this post about "social media" helped you explore the larger issue and what you plan to do about the larger issue.

 

Part of being in a healthy relationship is knowing -and caring!!- about how the other person likes to be noticed/acknowledged and doing your best to accommodate that (unless it goes against who you are as a person or feels bizarre). Example. My almost out of warranty fancy kitchen garbage can broke this morning. I emailed my husband who was still sleeping and said I'd probably just order a replacement. I left and came back from the gym. He said he'd tinkered with it and got it to be somewhat functional. I made sure -even though I am sweaty, tired, have stuff to do - to notice that he went out of his way and to show that I was impressed he was able to get it to function at all. Despite his cut finger (from said tinkering) and it being 9am on a Saturday- he lit up. It really does not take much - but it kinda does - you want to be with someone who is going to have that mindset of "we're in this together, I can be sweaty/in my head and still make sure to notice that he took out the trash/fixed the trash can". And that really needs to be at least a daily thing. And more importantly -during those times when it can't be -maybe a time of crisis, maybe one of you is away on business, etc - you have that secure foundation that if he were there -or if you were there -you'd be on each other's team. You don't need regular reassurance, all else equal because by the time you might even think you might - he's there for you or that comfy sense comes back to you.

 

Please don't settle for less. And if you are it's because you're enjoying to some extent that whole martyr thing and you're choosing to settle.

[katrina1980]

I'd like to chime in one last time, as I have experienced this, not on this level, but I understand the dynamic I think.

 

Mandee, the way you've been describing this man and relationship, for years, it very much sounds like a Dom/sub relationship.

 

You don't stand up to him, you have NO voice, you defer to him on literally everything, and early on whenever you tried, he'd knock you down.

 

Whenever you *dare* to express a thought or concern that goes against his version of himself, he flips it back on you calling you needy and insecure.

 

After which you accept, start doubting yourself, and come here for some sort of validation that he's incapable of giving you.

 

In short, he dominates you and your entire relationship. And you quietly defer and submit.

 

Now saying that, I am not gonna judge those types of relationdhips cause there are many couples who are quite happy with this dynamic, the man and the woman.

 

The woman very happy to totally defer to her partner on everything, having essentially no voice, and in return he gives her the love and support she needs. That is Dom/sub.

 

The problem with your relationship though is that you don't enjoy it, it does not make you happy, it brings you down, you feel reduced, small, non-existent.

 

That is not how it's supposed to be, even Dom/subs, and you know this, but can't leave, not because you "love" him but because your self-esteem is so low, your fears and anxieties so great, you're literally stuck.

 

I am also wondering, do you at least have good sex? Does he make you happy and satisfy you sexually?

 

I agree w those who said since you refuse to leave, just accept it.

 

My relationship with my ex was a bit like this, NOT to this extreme, but I did defer to him on most things and was happy to do so. It was just my nature to do so back then, so it was never an issue.

 

In turn, he did listen to me, love me, and supported me when I needed him to.

 

I've since changed and my RL w my current bf is different, but I do understand the dynamic.

 

In your case, it's so one sided, and listening to how you describe it and how it makes you feel, I'm tempted to say it's borderline mentally abusive but I just don't know anymore.

 

Anyway, something to consider mandee?

 

There is no use telling you to leave cause we know you won't, so again, accept the situation, the dynamic and learn to live within the confines of it, be happy and stop complaining.