Social media and dating

[Batya33]

I agree with seeing me as a doormat. I also think its too late to gain respect back and now Ive seen the worst sides of him. Its too late overall. Thats why he changes for 2 weeks and then returns to the same behaviors because 2 weeks is usually how long it takes me to forgive him. If I had walked away right away maybe he would of changed, treated me better . Then again idk. I think this is his personality. Wont change for anyone type attitude.

 

I don't think it's his personality. I think it's how he interacts with you. I say that because in case you can't help but stay connected via social media don't be surprised if he meets someone who seems "wrong" for him or not a caring kind of person and see how many changes he will make.

[katrina1980]

I think my current bf doesnt like that I like him so much. Actually repulsed by it. Doesnt like kissing, cuddling or love expressions. Even gets uncomfortable if I buy him a birthday gift. Doesnt say I love u to me, not even to parents.

 

It boggles my mind that you would choose to stay with this troubled and dysfunctional man for three years.

 

I hope someday you will find the strength to leave mandee and find some peace!

[Hollyj]

It boggles my mind that you would choose to stay with this troubled and dysfunctional man for three years.

 

I hope someday you will find the strength to leave mandee and find some peace!

 

She will not. I think that she gets something out of being seen as the victim-as she chooses it.

 

He will have to dump her, for it to end.

 

This is also disrespectful to us, as she is not truly seeking advice. We are totally enabling her.

[mandeelove]

It boggles my mind that you would choose to stay with this troubled and dysfunctional man for three years.

 

I hope someday you will find the strength to leave mandee and find some peace!

Im not sure if you were the one who said it or another poster,but my self esteem is low due to all these years Ive been around this. And there is a fear of being alone forever. Im not in denial about it. I have fears of being alone. So that combo and along with other things regarding him specifically(feelings, hopes he'll change) is why I have stayed this long.

[bluecastle]

I think my current bf doesnt like that I like him so much. Actually repulsed by it. Doesnt like kissing, cuddling or love expressions. Even gets uncomfortable if I buy him a birthday gift. Doesnt say I love u to me, not even to parents.

 

Real talk?

 

Your boyfriend knows the very thing you're not quite willing to say out loud, which is that you don't very much like him. He knows you like some idea of him—the potential—and that you try to actualize that idea through certain gestures, be it a gift or a social media post.

 

So it feels cloying and he buckles, because in those moments he can't continue to deny the thing he knows is true—which is that he's with someone he doesn't much like, that he's a co-participant and architect of a multi-year relationship between two people who are experiencing but a fraction of what a relationship is supposed to offer.

 

More real talk?

 

You're both cowards, or at least both conditioned to invest in a relationship that ensures you both feel like sh*t more than not. What makes this work is that neither of you have enough self-respect to think you deserve better. His much-documented lack of respect of you is really just his own self-loathing at work, much like yours keeps you magnetized to him.

 

This is all page one of the Toxic Handbook.

 

Truth is, I think you'd love it if, a minute from now, he texted you that it was over and you never heard from him again. You'd wail and flail and be lost for a bit, but you'd know you'd be on a better path. And I bet he'd love it if you ended it too. He'd wail and flail in his own way, but he'd be on the better path. You've both spent the majority of this relationship waiting for the other to pull the plug, but you shift the language to make it easier. You're waiting for him to "grow," he's waiting for you to stop being "so insecure," and so on. As long as you can fight those proxy wars you can avoid looking in the mirror for real.

 

Neither of you want to say the truth out loud, or make a real move, so everything is said passively, with a kiss brushed off or a push for a social media post. That's both of your base level survival instincts at work—blinders on to keep the glare out. No one on the planet wants to admit when they've built a swamp, called it a castle, and spent years in murky waters.

 

But a swamp is a swamp is a swap. Own it and, right there, you'll find a sense of power and relief you have not felt in years and that he will never provide for you.

[Batya33]

Im not sure if you were the one who said it or another poster,but my self esteem is low due to all these years Ive been around this. And there is a fear of being alone forever. Im not in denial about it. I have fears of being alone. So that combo and along with other things regarding him specifically(feelings, hopes he'll change) is why I have stayed this long.

 

So your self esteem is hurting because of your choice to be around this. Yes it's scary to think you'll be alone forever. Right now you are alone. He's not with you in the way a partner is in a serious romantic relationship. And you're increasing the risk of not meeting someone else. I ended a short term relationship in June 2005. I was over the moon about him. Until I realized he wasn't really headed in that direction plus for the first time after 3 months of dating I saw his anger management issues -not with me and not even with anyone else -self-directed (but he told me all about it and told me more that day). I believe strongly he would have continued to date me casually if I hadn't ended things within a day or so later. And I bet I would have gotten more attached. July 17, 2005 - about three weeks or so after that ended was my first platonic dinner with my husband. Sparks flew. We got back together about a month later. I can tell you almost for sure that if I'd still been dating/hung up on Angry Guy I likely would have ignored or not felt the sparks. I wouldn't have been open to it or on a practical level I wouldn't have made the time to see my future husband. I would have missed that opportunity for a happy marriage and handful of an adorable 10 year old son. It's that easy to miss an opportunity.

 

My husband was supposed to leave town a month after that dinner (he ended up staying for three months longer though) - and I know he wouldn't have waited around for me to get done with that other guy -he was also marriage minded and he wanted me back as it turned out but I don't think he would have waited. Every day you're with this guy you are slamming the door shut on potential opportunities to meet your good match. I am not exaggerating. A lot is about timing.

[Hollyj]

Im not sure if you were the one who said it or another poster,but my self esteem is low due to all these years Ive been around this. And there is a fear of being alone forever. Im not in denial about it. I have fears of being alone. So that combo and along with other things regarding him specifically(feelings, hopes he'll change) is why I have stayed this long.

 

Then, just accept him for who he is and continue with the relationship.

[katrina1980]

 

Real talk?

 

More real talk?

 

No disrespect blue, but all our posts and advice have been "real talk."

 

And I hope mandee considers all, and ultimately does what's best for her.

 

If that means staying and accepting, her choice.

[mandeelove]

So your self esteem is hurting because of your choice to be around this. Yes it's scary to think you'll be alone forever. Right now you are alone. He's not with you in the way a partner is in a serious romantic relationship. And you're increasing the risk of not meeting someone else. I ended a short term relationship in June 2005. I was over the moon about him. Until I realized he wasn't really headed in that direction plus for the first time after 3 months of dating I saw his anger management issues -not with me and not even with anyone else -self-directed (but he told me all about it and told me more that day). I believe strongly he would have continued to date me casually if I hadn't ended things within a day or so later. And I bet I would have gotten more attached. July 17, 2005 - about three weeks or so after that ended was my first platonic dinner with my husband. Sparks flew. We got back together about a month later. I can tell you almost for sure that if I'd still been dating/hung up on Angry Guy I likely would have ignored or not felt the sparks. I wouldn't have been open to it or on a practical level I wouldn't have made the time to see my future husband. I would have missed that opportunity for a happy marriage and handful of an adorable 10 year old son. It's that easy to miss an opportunity.

 

My husband was supposed to leave town a month after that dinner (he ended up staying for three months longer though) - and I know he wouldn't have waited around for me to get done with that other guy -he was also marriage minded and he wanted me back as it turned out but I don't think he would have waited. Every day you're with this guy you are slamming the door shut on potential opportunities to meet your good match. I am not exaggerating. A lot is about timing.

Wow funny you say that. In the midst of a break with my current guy I had been persued by someone I had met out . Since I was on a break months ago, I gave my number. We actually had a few nice convos, he wanted to take me out or persue further. Not sure if it would of went anywhere but since my mind was so messed up and no position to do a thing, I backed off. That was it. Then I was back with my current guy, I told the other guy about it, and he never persued again.

 

I can see where timing is important. Im wasting years and getting older. I do need to just split up. You're right, I am alone anyway. I attend most things alone because he is very one sided. He likes doing things with his family only so holidays/big days, we are apart. He doesnt bend on it... And I stick with my side. So yup Im already alone .. And in other ways. Thanks for this insight.

[boltnrun]

He didn't love or respect you for being into him?

 

What would he have preferred, that you were not into him? Good lordy.

 

Yeah, you dodged a major bullet bolt, major!

 

We all need to be liked/loved in our relationships, that's healthy! And when we're not, we leave.

 

I guess it's when we love "too" much, putting their needs above our own, that's a huge problem and will cause our partners to lose respect.

 

I admit I am a big ego stroker, when warranted! My bfs have all loved it and reciprocated in their own way (I don't need ego stroking or even like it).

 

I don't overdo it and I certainly would not be doing any ego stroking after being disrespected or treated poorly. No effing way.

 

I guess that's the difference.

 

No, that's not what I wrote. He didn't love or respect me for being so into him that I'd take whatever he dished out. I'm not talking about ego stroking (I never used that term). I'm talking about being so desperate for him to love me that I'd either ignore or brush aside the times he treated me poorly.

 

Who would respect someone who does that?

[katrina1980]

No, that's not what I wrote. He didn't love or respect me for being so into him that I'd take whatever he dished out. I'm not talking about ego stroking (I never used that term). I'm talking about being so desperate for him to love me that I'd either ignore or brush aside the times he treated me poorly.

 

Who would respect someone who does that?

 

Apologies something must've gotten lost in translation, thnx for clarifying, and agree!

 

Edit: My reference to ego stroking was in response to something mandee wrote.

[Annia]

He's not refusing to grow. He's choosing to act in a certain way -and not to act in others -because like most people he moves towards pleasure and away from pain. He knows from experience that you'll stick around even if he treats you like you don't matter. So, why should he do the work? He's not supposed to "reassure you" - you know why? Because in a healthy relationship it would be very very unusual to need reassurance -it would be the exception not the rule -your relationship would be your safe, comfortable place - listen to Billy Joel's "You're My Home". Yes, we are human, we all need reassurance at times - like if you argue with your partner you might hug each other to reconnect -to give reassurance that you're ok again (or you always were). It's exhausting to have to reassure someone all the time and a real turn off.

 

It's not hard because you care about him. It's hard because you're afraid of being "alone" and of the "what ifs" -what if you never meet anyone, what if you don't get to travel for a long time, etc etc. You're not "giving up on someone you care about" because as you know, you can stop being his girlfriend and continue to be a supportive friend if he needed that kind of support -or you can offer to be someone who he can call in a crisis as long as it's in a way that is respectful to you since you won't be a couple anymore. Please don't tell yourself stories about how you're just so caring that you stick around in unhealthy situations. That's not why, and you know it. But he is not "refusing". He is "choosing" - because he can - he doesn't have to put in effort because you'll be there no matter how he treats you.

 

This morning my husband really disappointed me in something he did. We couldn't talk about it (logistically) until later in the morning. I was still upset with him when I returned from various errands and work 4 hours later. He met me at the door and I said as calmly as possible that I wanted an apology -he interrupted me in the middle and said "let me say something first, ok?" I then said "ok but I want an apology". He said "I'm sorry about what happened this morning". I said "ok - but what else were you going to say?" "Oh, that's what I was going to say".

 

It's not always that awesome - he doesn't always quickly apologize, acknowledge, etc. I've known him for 24 years and we've been together for 14 years now. So you might think after 14 years he'd take me for granted and figure I'd get over his somewhat thoughtless behavior that morning - and on my end I was trying my best to let it go - but yes I needed the apology -a quickie -and didn't need a whole talk about the behavior. Find someone who values you enough that after 14 years the first thing he wants to tell you when he has the chance is that he is sorry he was a cause of the rough morning you ended up having. That he puts aside his stubborn streak, the temptation to hope that I'd let it go so he wouldn't have to apologize - and step up to the plate and go for the apology. Find that especially if you want marriage and family because there will be many challenging days and many juggling days. Be with someone who has your back most if not all of the time and stop the fantasy of "I'm such a caring person that I just can't abandon him even though he treats me like yesterday's news." Be his headline.

 

This post a 100%, read and re-read.

 

And what makes me sad is that I was just like you mandeelove. Not in the exact same situation but trying to turn or waiting and hoping that people who weren't right for me to suddenly wake up one day and become right for me. I wanted to force myself into being their "one" and treating them like "my one" when I was just a convenience in their lives. And I was doing that because I was afraid of being alone and I wanted so much to be truly loved. It was painful realizing how I wasted my precious time in these "going no where relationships", but it was even more painful dealing with the highs and lows and my perpectual insatisfaction in these relationships. These men weren't evil or anything like that and I can fully admit that I was, even if not fully realizing it, using them to sooth and reassure me... to cure my insecurities, as if it was on them to make me feel whole instead of it being by work to do and responsibility. Some people are never going to love us "that way". It says nothing about us and our worth, it's just the way it is and that's ok. I'm not excusing being strung alone, but just saying that as much as you try, you can't make two incompatible pieces fit together. No matter how much you love them, how much you wish, how much you wait and hope, how much "potential", how much highs followed by lows. You just simply can't.

 

I'm alone now, I gave up wasting my time on relationships like yours. And all the fear I had of being alone wasn't justified because though it's not always easy, it's not the end of the world and it allowed me to work on other areas of my life that were in lack. I'm not on these high and lows, "broken expectations" and denial mode anymore. The time you waste in these situations keeps you emotionally and physically unavailable to find something in your life that truly enhances your happiness.

[Hollyj]

Twenty five pages on this guy. How many more will there be?

[Annia]

Yeah, my ex told me that if I stood up to him more, that if I gave back what he dished out or if I just told him off and then left, he would have had more respect for me. But me being the dumb a** that I was back then, I told myself "but when he sees how drama-free I am, he'll want that! I can give him peace and security and love he can count on!!!" I was sure he'd choose me when he saw what an awesome, cool girlfriend I was.

 

But he didn't. He wanted something I did not and could not and WOULD not provide. And luckily for me (although I didn't see it this way at the time), he dumped me for one of the women he was seeing on the side. Otherwise I might still be there, trying desperately to get him to love me. Yikes.

 

And Mandee, once you've set that precedent it's pretty much impossible to change it. He sees you as the doormat who will take whatever he dishes out, apologize for bothering him, and tell him you love him. He sees you will stay no matter what. So no, there's no starting over with him respecting you or caring about how his actions and words hurt you.

 

The part in bold hit me because that was exactly how I used to operate and still have to check myself in order to not fall into those patterns again. It's not that being dramatic is desirable, but having boundaries is always healthy. Having boundaries keeps us away from people who see us as ego strokers, abusive people and makes us be respected by the people who matter and treat us right. But sometimes getting there is painful and requires getting through the discomfort of self realization (and lots of self forgiveness too) to reach a point of peace. But it's worth it, totally worth it.

[bluecastle]

Quick apologies if "real talk" rubbed anyone the wrong way. It's just a phrase my friends and I use, always with affection—kind of like "tough love," basically to not let someone backtrack or tint the lenses rosier than they are. Certainly wasn't meant to negate any other poster or whatever choice Mandee feels is the right one for her.

[boltnrun]

Im not sure if you were the one who said it or another poster,but my self esteem is low due to all these years Ive been around this. And there is a fear of being alone forever. Im not in denial about it. I have fears of being alone. So that combo and along with other things regarding him specifically(feelings, hopes he'll change) is why I have stayed this long.

 

What is it about being "alone" that you find so frightening? What horrors do you think will befall you if you don't have some human you can label "boyfriend"? How does clinging to this awful relationship protect you from those horrors?

[katrina1980]

Quick apologies if "real talk" rubbed anyone the wrong way. It's just a phrase my friends and I use, always with affection—kind of like "tough love," basically to not let someone backtrack or tint the lenses rosier than they are. Certainly wasn't meant to negate any other poster or whatever choice Mandee feels is the right one for her.

 

Thnx blue, no worries, I'm over sensitive today, will post about it later (not a bf situation, it's actually worse).

 

But I appreciate your clarifying what you meant. :)

[mandeelove]

What is it about being "alone" that you find so frightening? What horrors do you think will befall you if you don't have some human you can label "boyfriend"? How does clinging to this awful relationship protect you from those horrors?

Im afraid at my age I wont find anyone. Im not getting younger and my biological clock is running. Its more of a fear of never meeting someone,not having time to start a family etc. Plus to find a good one takes time/effort. If I was 10 years younger this wouldnt even be a thing. But its the fear overall. Everyone around me is married with kids. Its hard to even go out with friends anymore because their lives are very different now. So where to meet people is another fear.

[mandeelove]

Quick apologies if "real talk" rubbed anyone the wrong way. It's just a phrase my friends and I use, always with affection—kind of like "tough love," basically to not let someone backtrack or tint the lenses rosier than they are. Certainly wasn't meant to negate any other poster or whatever choice Mandee feels is the right one for her.

I didnt take offense. No worries.

[katrina1980]

Are you expecting him to marry you? Have you discussed it?

 

Does he want children?

 

It would appear you care more about what society thinks than you do about your own self, well being and happiness.

 

True happiness, the kind you have when you have high self-esteem, self-respect and are with a partner who loves you and enhances your life.

 

Versus being with an uncaring, insensitive partner who brings you down, and who is your life.

[Annia]

Im afraid at my age I wont find anyone. Im not getting younger and my biological clock is running. Its more of a fear of never meeting someone,not having time to start a family etc. Plus to find a good one takes time/effort. If I was 10 years younger this wouldnt even be a thing. But its the fear overall. Everyone around me is married with kids. Its hard to even go out with friends anymore because their lives are very different now. So where to meet people is another fear.

 

Does your boyfriend wants to build a family with you? Is he moving in that direction? Have you discussed living together?

[mandeelove]

Does your boyfriend wants to build a family with you? Is he moving in that direction? Have you discussed living together?

We discussed living together only. He said he will not do that until I make more money etc. My job isnt paying what he thinks is good. And as far as wedding/kids, I bring it up yes. He knows what I want. When we got together he said he wanted the same things. However, whenever I duscuss it, its like Im from another planet. He acts like Im discussing something out of this world crazy.

 

So yeah, all this combined is why I need to move on.

 

I certaintly want my future to be happy and with the right person. Theres just still a fear of not getting there and winding up alone.

[mandeelove]

Are you expecting him to marry you? Have you discussed it?

 

Does he want children?

 

It would appear you care more about what society thinks than you do about your own self, well being and happiness.

 

True happiness, the kind you have when you have high self-esteem, self-respect and are with a partner who loves you and enhances your life.

 

Versus being with an uncaring, insensitive partner who brings you down, and who is your life.

Its not so much society... I want these things for myself. I always have. So as I get older and see its not happening, I get fearful.

 

Having a partner is not the only thing to make a person happy. But I def want that family and stability.

[Annia]

We discussed living together only. He said he will not do that until I make more money etc. My job isnt paying what he thinks is good. And as far as wedding/kids, I bring it up yes. He knows what I want. When we got together he said he wanted the same things. However, whenever I duscuss it, its like Im from another planet. He acts like Im discussing something out of this world crazy.

 

So yeah, all this combined is why I need to move on.

 

I certaintly want my future to be happy and with the right person. Theres just still a fear of not getting there and winding up alone.

 

So to at least live with you, you have to make how much? As he set a value or is he throwing this out there to keep you at arms length and avoid committing?

[mandeelove]

So to at least live with you, you have to make how much? As he set a value or is he throwing this out there to keep you at arms length and avoid committing?

Ive posted about this on here once before. I think hes using it as an excuse to not commit.