Girlfriend Can’t Orgasm from Penetration

[Goodfellas]

If you don’t enjoy it that much, why make it a big deal?

I don’t make a big deal of it, this thread started as a conversation on penetrative sex orgasms.

[katrina1980]

I guess all is cool then, right?

 

You don't particularly like b jobs or hand jobs, your gf doesn't like giving them, it's been established it's "normal" for women not to orgasm through penetration.

 

You get her off through oral which you seem to enjoy doing, and don't seem to mind that she's sexually selfish, no issue with her attraction level, so I say continue on and be happy!

 

Every relationship has a different dynamic, this is yours.

 

Not my cup of tea, but who cares, this is between you and her, so enjoy!

[bluecastle]

In fairness, I don't think Goodfellas really made it a big deal.

 

His girlfriend brought it up, if I'm not mistaken, when she learned at the bachelorette party that oral sex (giving) and vaginal orgasms (having, sometimes) were regular parts of her friends' sex lives. She felt bad, worried Goodfellas would get bored. He felt bad that she felt bad, and came to us to stock up on the reassurance arsenal.

 

And then we kind of made it a big deal—the actual deal, I think, not being the girlfriend's aversion to going down "down there" so much as what some of us, informed by our own sex lives and sexual value systems, but also by some of Goodfellas' language, couldn't help but view as a curiously one-sided sexual dynamic, where Goodfellas is the giver (and coaxer and arm-twister) and girlfriend is the taker (who needs regular assurance that that's okay).

 

This has been an interesting thread, for sure.

 

I've tried not to assert my own values and beliefs about what a healthy sex life looks like. It's a private act, different for everyone. One person's red flag is another's bliss, and vise versa. That I'd last maybe a week inside this dynamic before being bored and frustrated is kind of irrelevant, so long as Goodfellas is stoked and sated.

 

I do get the feeling that this thread has inadvertently become, for Goodfellas, a similar experience as the bachelorette party was for his girlfriend: a little glimpse into the sex lives and sexual mores of others that has him looking at his own a little more critically. All good. New perspectives open new doors. Maybe he and his girlfriend can find some new ones to walk through together. Nothing better than that, really.

[maew]

I barely enjoy those so she hardly does it but has definitely done that more than twice. I also find handies boring haha.

 

I am glad you clarified this OP, I was thinking you were feeling deprived but from the sounds of it you guys are on the same page about what you like and don’t like which is all that matters.

[ThatwasThen]

I’ve never forced the issue because I’m not that into blowies so that may explain why she doesn’t offer. If I’m not asking and she’s not into it, why go down there?

But... didn't you say that occasionally you ask for one (e.g. in the shower) and she even refuses to give you occasional head?

 

I agree that if you are okay with it then who are we to call her selfish but when you're giving like you do, I think it IS selfish of her not to at least get down there and do something for you.

 

Hand jobs to completion? meh... but it's nice to feel that during foreplay, no? What does she do with her hands if she's not fondling your junk, or is she and I've just misunderstood?

[katrina1980]

Goodfellas, agree with TwT, you seem to be contradicting yourself a bit; just be sure your're not minimalizing, rationalizing, sweeping under the rug these issues because doing so doesn't ever resolve anything, and may even cause one or both of you (more you) to become resentful down the road.

 

Not judging, I did same when I wasn't yet ready or emotionally prepared to acknowledge or accept certain issues that, once acknowledged, would have forced me to take a look at the relationship determining we just weren't the right fit for each other and ending it.

 

Frankly, I don't think you've ever had a "proper" blow j , (I could get more graphic but will refrain) as if you had, no way you'd have such a meh attitude about them, imo..

 

I mean, the ecstasy men experience during, as has been described to me, is akin to having an out of body experience, pure nirvana.

[Jibralta]

That's akin to saying they both ate dinner but he bought the food, did all the preparing, cooked the food and then cleaned up afterwards. ;)

 

He shouldn't be doing anything he doesn't like, either.

[ThatwasThen]

He shouldn't be doing anything he doesn't like, either.

Oh I agree but I'd never know I like clams if I never tried one. (and by 'clams' I mean the shell fish ;0)

[itsallgrand]

I don't think she really knows yet, honestly, if penetration could being her to climax since she has such a passive approach to sex. And aversive.

She hasn't given it a fair shot. Fine. But to say she cant - I wouldn't make that assumption really.

It's mostly in one's own mind.

[mustlovedogs]

I don't think she really knows yet, honestly, if penetration could being her to climax since she has such a passive approach to sex. And aversive.

She hasn't given it a fair shot. Fine. But to say she cant - I wouldn't make that assumption really.

It's mostly in one's own mind.

 

I disagree 100%.

 

Whole heartedly.

 

I know I cannot orgasm from penetration. Never even come close. And many of my friends are the same. It’s quite common. It’s not a state of mind thing.

[mustlovedogs]

I disagree 100%.

 

Whole heartedly.

 

I know I cannot orgasm from penetration. Never even come close. And many of my friends are the same. It’s quite common. It’s not a state of mind thing.

 

https://abcnews.go.com/Health/ReproductiveHealth/sex-study-female-orgasm-eludes-majority-women/story?id=8485289

[Goodfellas]

In fairness, I don't think Goodfellas really made it a big deal.

 

This bluecastle post sums it up perfectly.

 

Maybe we need some tweaks, but overall I’m satisfied. If she brings up the non-orgasm thing I’ll offer support (like that ABC article) and suggestions for workarounds.

 

Thank you all.

[itsallgrand]

I disagree 100%.

 

Whole heartedly.

 

I know I cannot orgasm from penetration. Never even come close. And many of my friends are the same. It’s quite common. It’s not a state of mind thing.

 

https://abcnews.go.com/Health/ReproductiveHealth/sex-study-female-orgasm-eludes-majority-women/story?id=8485289

 

There is nothing conclusive there.

 

She hasn't orgasmed in this particular way yet. That doesn't mean she never could. I do think her general orientation towards sex puts her at a disadvantage in being surprised by something new.

 

If they are both happy, that's what counts. Getting hung up on it either way seems limiting to me though.

[Wiseman2]

Does it matter to her whether it's during penetration? Is it a big deal How she gets off rather than if/how often she gets off?

I don’t make a big deal of it, this thread started as a conversation on penetrative sex orgasms.

[mustlovedogs]

There is nothing conclusive there.

 

She hasn't orgasmed in this particular way yet. That doesn't mean she never could. I do think her general orientation towards sex puts her at a disadvantage in being surprised by something new.

 

If they are both happy, that's what counts. Getting hung up on it either way seems limiting to me though.

 

Nothing conclusive except that most women don’t, so adding pressure to this will only make sex less fun for her.

 

OP asked if it’s normal. Short answer, yes, very.

[Goodfellas]

Does it matter to her whether it's during penetration? Is it a big deal How she gets off rather than if/how often she gets off?

 

This is a text she sent me shortly after the bachelorette conversation:

 

It’s weird... why does that have to be a noteworthy thing? I feel so excited and content when you make me cum other ways... why does it have to be that way?

 

And I reassured her I love getting her off regardless of how.

[katrina1980]

This is a text she sent me shortly after the bachelorette conversation:

 

It’s weird... why does that have to be a noteworthy thing? I feel so excited and content when you make me cum other ways... why does it have to be that way?

 

And I reassured her I love getting her off regardless of how.

 

Goodfellas, I actually agree with your gf, if I'm interpreting her text correctly.

 

Why does intercourse/sex (with someone you love) have to be all about the "orgasm" or getting off?

 

There is so much more to it than just having an orgasm with someone you love, imo. It is for me anyway and I am a very sexual girl.

 

I know she brought it up, but the more you continue to talk about it, making it some sort of an issue or a problem, "reassuring" her, the more pressure she will feel, which guess what, will result in her never having an orgasm! At least during intercourse.

 

Which is ok! Does she enjoy it regardless? For the emotional element? How connected to you she feels during?

 

That in and of itself is a beautiful thing!

 

As I said in my previous post, I have never had an orgasm during intercourse, many women haven't, it's very common, even for the most uninhibited and sexually open and adventurous of us.

 

Our clits are located in an area that makes orgasming during penetration difficult, if not impossible, for many of us, has nothing to do with the man's performance or any inhibitions a woman has.

 

So my advice is simply enjoy each other sexually, take the focus off the "orgasm" and on to where it belongs imo, an expression of your mutual attraction, connection and love.

 

Yes, "get her off" in other ways as you've been doing, and let her know what you like too, other than just f*cking.

 

No pressure, let it all unfold naturally and organically.

 

That's the message she was trying to send you with that text, imo.

 

Love each other, relax and enjoy!

[ThatwasThen]

You know, the passion from new relationship energy can take us far esoterically but, it can also get old really fast once the honeymoon stage is over and all you're getting is what you've always (only) gotten.

 

Its a lot of work getting a woman to orgasm (and sometimes it can be just as hard to get some men off too) and we've all read the threads where that passion is no longer there after a long term relationship's new relationship energy wanes.

 

 

We read:

"our sex life has dwindled"

"He is watching porn more than having sex with me"

"He/she masturbates after we've had sex"

"My wife/girlfriend won't give me head"

 

This is why its important to discuss what we like, how we like it, and figure out within if what he/she is currently giving is going to be enough for us once that new relationship energy is gone and once it's gone, what he/she/you can give to keep the sex life alive. At this point the Op's girlfriend not orgasming during penetration is secondary IMO.

 

Back to the second time we ever hung out she mentioned she prefers cunnilingus to sex and likes the cuddle after the sex more, too.

I do wonder how long it takes her to get off during cunnilingus and can she get up during finger play? Does she masturbate?

 

How long have the two of you been dating, Goodfellows? Sorry if you mentioned and I missed it.

[katrina1980]

I agree w most of your post TwT, about discussing likes/dislikes, but disagree with the sexual energy/passion dying or dwindling after the honeymoon period.

 

It doesn't have to, and when I read threads about men watching too much porn, wife won't give me head anymore, etc, imo there is something much deeper and more insidious infecting their relationship, over and above the honeymoon period being over.

 

JMO based on my own experiences of course. :)

[ThatwasThen]

I agree w most of your post TwT, about discussing likes/dislikes, but disagree with the sexual energy dying after the honeymoon period.

I'm not talking about ""sexual energy" Kat, I am talking about NEW relationship energy. During that period too many people will go without an orgams just because they feed off of that lust and infatuation but once that diminishes (which is always does) they find themselves unhappy sexually because their base needs have not been being met but they ignore that because the new relationship energy is sustaining them.

 

It doesn't have to, and when I read threads about men watching too much porn, wife won't give me head, etc, imo there is something much deeper and more insidious infecting their relationship, over and above the honeymoon period being over.

Yes, perhaps like settling during the new relationship energy stage relying on lust and infatuation being one of them. This op's partner won't give him head. I'm thinking that he doesn't mind now but will he eventually when that new relationship excitement has waned and he's left doing a whole lot of work to get her off? Will he lose the motivation to do that to her down the line every time they have sex? Will he get to a point where he masturbates more just to quickly scratch and itch and will she resent him and be insecure and jealous when/if he does.

 

Things to think about.

 

*btw I added to my post above probably after you posted just to give you a heads up*

[katrina1980]

Thanks for clarifying T, and agree, esp last paragraph.

 

I even mentioned same in an earlier post, about resentment settling in down the road. I minimalized, justified, shuffled under the rug many things that I definitely should not have!

 

It may be a long road, heck I lived in never-never land (denial) for nearly six years!

 

But it will happen and trust me when it does, it's not pretty!

[ThatwasThen]

Thanks for clarifying T, and agree, esp last paragraph.

 

I even mentioned same in an earlier post, about resentment settling in down the road. I minimalized, justified, shuffled under the rug many things that I definitely should not have!

 

It may be a long road, heck I lived in never-never land (denial) for nearly six years!

 

But it will happen and trust me when it does, it's not pretty!

Life ain't easy, chickie.

[itsallgrand]

I disagree 100%.

 

Whole heartedly.

 

I know I cannot orgasm from penetration. Never even come close. And many of my friends are the same. It’s quite common. It’s not a state of mind thing.

 

Nothing conclusive except that most women don’t, so adding pressure to this will only make sex less fun for her.

 

OP asked if it’s normal. Short answer, yes, very.

 

It's odd to me you would equate leaving the possibility open to different kinds of orgasms as pressure. Also that you'd jump to not having experienced something as an absolute inability to ever experience it.

Absolutely no one here has suggested he pressure her to try to achieve a different kind of orgasm.

People here have suggested that the rigidity in which she approached sex could be limiting what they both can experience as far as sexual pleasure. I agree with that, hence why I'm not in a rush to pronounce " yup, clitorial orgasm only, ain't never gonna happen ant other way".

Hell, orgasm is possible in so many ways, and women can experience a wide varieties of types of orgasms. They are only really starting to touch the tip of the iceberg on studying this now. Orgasm without touching genitals is possible, not limited to a select few.

[Goodfellas]

Whoa this thread is popping off! If only she knew haha.

 

Someone asked so I’ll remind that we’ve been together since October 2017 and have never had a true argument or discussion about this topic. The hens were clucking at the bachelorette and it got her thinking is all. Since she’s been back she hasn’t mentioned it, but we also haven’t seen each other as we don’t live together…yet.

 

I was curious about how normal it is to NEVER have experienced a penetrative sex orgasm and that’s been confirmed…and then some!

[tobias613]

I am a woman btw, and women really need to teach themselves to orgasm. It's something you actually have to practice at, but once you do it once, it makes it easier each time. And there is a big difference between a clitoral orgasm and a g spot orgasm.