Big Problem but confused

[Batya33]

That may be the case. I actually feel more comfortable at a hotel, unless someone has a lot of extra room.

 

His reaction and treatment of her family is inexcusable and unforgettable. So out of line, and I don't care how uncomfortable he was.

 

I think that we need to focus on the big picture, and not only this incident.

 

Definitely and I chose to focus on the specific incident to respond to those posters who found it reprehensible that anyone would say no to having family sleepover at one's house. I do agree that he overreacted!

[MissCanuck]

I am going to guess this is not the first time your boyfriend's anger problems have surfaced, OP?

 

You seem to be practiced at minimizing and justifying after the fact - or "forgiving, as you called it. That suggests to me that this is not a new dynamic between you. He loses his damn mind and you get upset in the moment but then backpedal because you're afraid of losing him, so you call it forgiveness and try to ignore the damage it's doing.

 

So, I'll ask you this: what other problems exist in your relationship? This latest incident surely ain't the only one.

[Mel20192019]

I agree that I guess people have different opinions and it shouldn't be a given to everyone that parents must stay over when they visit but to me it is. My sister told him about a week in advance that she was coming to surprise me so he had a week to get ready for it, as of room we have a whole basement and upstairs with 3 bedrooms so room isn't the issue here it's just him not.getting what he wants. I get why he felt hurt by the situation because I wasn't seeing his side of things I was only hurt about what happened to my family and didn't agree with it so he felt left out. I guess it all boils down to how you communicate things. Instead of talking to me calmly and "normal" he reacted out of anger and pretty much freaked. He doesn't no how to.communicate and yes misscannuck it does happen often, where he's mad he lashes out then i get scared and say sorry it's stupid I know I just really need to learn how to set boundaries and get stronger. This is an issue but I feel like.nomatter what relationship im in I let it get this far so they will always treat me the way they want. I would just rather nod, smile and move on with my day instead of making someone mad. There were alot of times where I felt like he was wrong but just went with it and I didn't say anything because then he will get mad and tell me to stop defending myself. Anyways not sure what to do when your partner wants something but you're really against it and you don't want to do it but he really wants it? Do you guys have a big fight and break up? Not sure how to deal with opinion clashes! What about you strong girls out there!? What would you have done? ❤️

[Batya33]

Of course he knows how to communicate! Is he employed? He wouldn't be if he pulled stuff like that at work. Does he go to public places like restaurants etc -and does he react with anger if he doesn't get served in time, etc?

"Communication" - or the simpler "talking" means you have to work on your skills of being assertive without whining or apologizing -even if you have to fake it till you make it. And learn the art of compromise - it's essential. But compromise only works well between two people who respect each other, who respect themselves, and who don't resort to personal attacks - for example using I statement "I feel frustrated when you refuse to _____" rather than "you're making me so mad!". My husband and I often disagree on parenting stuff. And had conflict about his family - I adored his parents and I was very unhappy with certain interactions especially when it came to our then baby/young child.

 

Another tip - you learn a lot more by listening then talking. And I mean listening. Put the phone down, make normal eye contact, have approachable body language and stop thinking about what you want to say next -and listen without dismissing it because you want to avoid a "confrontation". No need for "confrontation" when it's a respectful exchange of ideas.

[Mel20192019]

Ya you're right he does know how to communicate with other people but he's lost it a few times at work when he gets criticized. I understand how he feels growing up with an abusive father I don't blame him for always being on defense to protect himself. I listen to him most of the time.i have no choice because he gets so angry that he yells to get heard, says when people yell people are more likely to listen but I've told him before that it's only pushing me away now because im scared of you. If he talks to me a way I don't like I tell him and his response is well you do it to me! Even when I apologize for the way I react sometimes (snapping) he always brings it back up like he does it cuz I do it!? It's just a game to him or it's about him being the star or the winner I guess? Im just all about fixing things and wanting to make things better! I don't care if I up I do in far from perfect but I don't think he's programmed that way he's programmed to win fights and to protect his ego. But everyone reacts differently to.different approaches and I wanna learn what sets him off and triggers him so I can avoid it. This morning I tried to re open to conversation calmly like I usually do in not one to react and freak out in a conversation I just sit calmly and listen but then he starts to yell so I try to walk away and that way it doesn't escalate to where he starts banging the table. I asked him if he tried to look at it my way overnight and he said yes did you? And I said ya and that im open to make a rule to.where my family has to give a two week notice before coming over. Then I asked him what he thought and he said that im just pushing him to do what he doesn't want to do so do I call it quits?

[boltnrun]

He's not going to "change". This is how he is.

 

Question is, how does a lifetime of being yelled at and walking on eggshells sound? Do you fear you will never find anyone else if you break up so that's why you stay?

[Mel20192019]

Part of me feels like he wants to change and Part of me feels like alot of his anger has to do with me and maybe the things that bother me sometimes are too much and I should just let go and sometimes i'm maybe too much to handle? Part of me doesn't want to lose him because of what we have together and part of me doesn't want to be alone yeah!

[bluecastle]

Can I ask how old you both are?

[Hollyj]

Many have grown up in abusive households and do not behave like this. So stop excusing his behavior.

Why hasn't he gotten counseling and anger management?

You are not "easy going" person, you are someone who have been beaten down and has NO self esteem. Big difference. My easy going fronds would never tolerate this crap.

Bottom line: he is emotionally abusive will not change- I can't imagine how bad it will be when there are kids.

You know who this guy is, and yet you stay and excuse and appease. You are with another abusive man, and you have the choice to cut off this pattern.

What is wrong with being alone? There are good men out there. You would rather be with someone who has anger issues, beats you down emotionally and disrespects you? I don't get this!

[Hollyj]

The fact that you are still with this creep after he disrespected your family is really something.

 

Please seek your own therapy.

 

http://www.naasca.org/2018-Articles/010718-25SignsOfEmotionalAbuse.htm Is this familiar?

[Mel20192019]

Im 31 and he's 29 and thanks Hollyj you're right I do have a low self esteem and yes it isn't an excuse but makes it harder for him, I guess I just love him so much that I feel bad for him enough to try to make it work and to not give up on us. Everyone has faults and im not any better, I just have to learn how we can both work together. He's just angry with how things are going so it's up to me to work harder to make things better for him. In past relationships I always had the I deserve the best attitude but it didn't get me anywhere, so now I have an open mind and in.looking at it a different way. What's the line between abuse and an angry man? All men that get angry will have a ty reaction, we cry and they act like s. If I leave every man that yells and says mean things I'll always be alone. I guess im confused between what's acceptable and forgiving to what's unacceptable and unforgiving? Where's that list? Nobody ever showed me a list of things that says what it takes to make you walk away from people? I was always taught to just love everybody. I feel like any relationship is fixable. It's like if I leave him in sure he'll find another girlfriend and it's possible that she wouldn't go through all this because she won't set him off the way I do? Wow it's bad isn't it lol My head's just so confused with what's right and wrong!

[Hollyj]

His faults are not excusable. This is not how people should interact in society. It is not normal! I have NEVER been with a man that yelled at me. My father NEVER yelled at my mother. I have NEVER witnessed any of my friends partners yell at them. Don't you understand that that is not healthy!

 

You are dependent on him, as you are scared to be alone.

 

What you are saying about how you should be behaving is off. There are two people here. he should also be stepping up.

 

You do not just love everybody. UGH. You should be loving and protecting yourself. If he were hitting you or your kids, would you stay and try to fix it?

 

NO. Many relationships are not fixable. If that were the case, then why didn't you stay with your other abusers? I'm sorry, but your thinking is very warped.

[Rose Mosse]

Sounds more like you pity his bad behaviour and his past. I don't think this is a healthy relationship at all. Yelling, raising his voice, lashing out, being prone to anger as a first response are all red flags for issues that are out of your power to bandaid or cure. This is not healthy. If this is indeed what the dynamic is between the both of you and you find him intolerable, crass and verbally/emotionally abusive, get out.

 

I've said this before and I'll say it again: you can make a mistake once or twice but if you stay in a place that you know is unhealthy sooner or later the questions will be about you and why you're unhinged enough to stay in a position like this when you have had opportunities to rethink how this affects you overall. If you need help, speak to professionals or therapists who can help you but get out of this situation and learn to stand on your own two feet.

[Annia]

Your husband sounds like a right asshat. I'm sorry but IMO you shouldn't have to tell your own parents/family that they can't stay at your home if you have the room for them. I suspect they very much don't like him now because of his rude, immature behaviour.

 

What is your marriage like generally? Is he always this "my way or the highway" type that feels quite fine being rude and unhospitible?

 

They're not married. They have been together for 5 years. They were engaged but are not anymore.

[Annia]

He totally overreacted. It's ok if he wasn't feeling like having them home but it's inexcusable to yell at them and react and communicate that way.

[MissCanuck]

OP, my own partner comes from a terribly abusive childhood as well. His father was a very violent man.

 

You know what? He has not once in our 4 years ever raised his voice to me. He has never called me a name. He would not dream of yelling at my mother or siblings or any member of my family. He has worked all his life to be the exact opposite type of man his father was. An abusive background does not give one license to abuse others.

 

You are excusing bad behaviour and looking for reasons to stay. I get it; I once dated a guy like yours. He was explosive and nasty when he was angry. He was an absolute charmer when he was not. The good times made it hard for me to comprehend the volatile and unpredictable side of him, and I too tried to "forgive" it - until I just couldn't anymore. I was miserable with him and tired of walking on eggshells. The good didn't make up for the general state of distress in being with him. My parents fortunately never saw the worst of it, but they caught glimpses here and there and I was embarrassed to bring him around them after a while. They were rightfully concerned about my relationship with him, even without knowing what really went on behind closed doors.

 

Your guy doesn't even bother to conceal it anymore. Not wanting guests in the house is one thing. Handling the way he did, with an utter lack of respect for your family, is quite another. It speaks volumes about his character, and it's not good. I don't know if you are interested in having kids someday, but imagine what is going to happen when they are getting on his last nerve (as all kids tend to do to their parents sometimes) Is this really the life you want to sign up for?

[reinventmyself]

They are only coming for The weekend to see us and he wants me to tell her to not come. I can't do it she's my mom!! I refuse and tell him that I can't do it, it's wrong. He gets even more mad. We fight for 3 days and they show up and I ask them to come in.

 

I think we all agree that he handled his part very badly. But I don't think anyone pointed this out (and if they did, I missed it)

 

Whether or not he was entitled to feel the way he did is open for debate, but he was very clear on how he felt and she made the unilateral decision to do it anyway.

 

Now you have not one, but two problems.

 

It doesn't matter what the differences were, you are bound to have conflict if you go ahead and do what you want to anyway and disregard your partner (even if you don't agree with it) AND to do it under the same roof and include your family in it all is equally, if not more on her.

 

I don't agree with his tantrums about house guests, but what she did was wrong.

 

Compromise. That's all that was called for here. If you are not in agreement, you go back to bargaining table until you come up with one.

 

If this is a pattern and two people aren't able to come up with compromises and good will towards each other, then you just aren't compatible.

 

There's a whole 'lot of other stuff going on here. But I just wanted to add to this particular point.

[Hollyj]

I think we all agree that he handled his part very badly. But I don't think anyone pointed this out (and if they did, I missed it)

 

Whether or not he was entitled to feel the way he did is open for debate, but he was very clear on how he felt and she made the unilateral decision to do it anyway.

 

Now you have not one, but two problems.

 

It doesn't matter what the differences were, you are bound to have conflict if you go ahead and do what you want to anyway and disregard your partner (even if you don't agree with it) AND to do it under the same roof and include your family in it all is equally, if not more on her.

 

I don't agree with his tantrums about house guests, but what she did was wrong.

 

Compromise. That's all that was called for here. If you are not in agreement, you go back to bargaining table until you come up with one.

 

If this is a pattern and two people aren't able to come up with compromises and good will towards each other, then you just aren't compatible.

 

There's a whole 'lot of other stuff going on here. But I just wanted to add to this particular point.

 

It is not only this incident. This is who he is. I think we should focus on the big picture and not this one incident.

The yelling and tantrum is so over the top and inexcusable. And, it seems to impact all areas of his life.

[Rose Mosse]

I think we all agree that he handled his part very badly. But I don't think anyone pointed this out (and if they did, I missed it)

 

Whether or not he was entitled to feel the way he did is open for debate, but he was very clear on how he felt and she made the unilateral decision to do it anyway.

 

Now you have not one, but two problems.

 

It doesn't matter what the differences were, you are bound to have conflict if you go ahead and do what you want to anyway and disregard your partner (even if you don't agree with it) AND to do it under the same roof and include your family in it all is equally, if not more on her.

 

I don't agree with his tantrums about house guests, but what she did was wrong.

 

Compromise. That's all that was called for here. If you are not in agreement, you go back to bargaining table until you come up with one.

 

If this is a pattern and two people aren't able to come up with compromises and good will towards each other, then you just aren't compatible.

 

There's a whole 'lot of other stuff going on here. But I just wanted to add to this particular point.

 

I agree with you and I did point it out - post #24, page 3, first paragraph. I wondered the same thing about why the OP went ahead with it anyway despite the discomfort of her partner.

 

I agree with compromise.

 

I also think the communication has really dwindled and the lack of effective communication and slinging blame or pointing fingers escalated the issues and things spun out of control. I've addressed the ineffectiveness of pointing fingers or placing blame. If this really is an emotionally or verbally abusive relationship, I think the OP ought to know what to do in this case. My first post focused on rebuilding trust, my second post later on (post #38, page 4) was acknowledging his tendencies to anger or flying off the handle are not appropriate regardless of how much stress he is under.

[Mel20192019]

Wow all you guys are great and I am so thankful to have people like you take time for this I really need it. So I agree with you guys, yes I should of compromised you're right I think what happens is when he wants something he doesn't really ask me calmly and when he lashes out and points fingers and complains and yells I just get in this mode where I stay quiet and can't cope or operate so no compromise or discussion happens we just fall in another argument and another tantrum. If he would of asked nicely and we could of figured out something sure i'm up for that! I'd love to be able to make it so he's happy as well but it's just impossible with him! He just has too much of a short fuse to get any discussions in before it blows up! When he's hurt or scared he gets very defensive and protective and I lose him! I guess I was scared to dissapointed my mom and sister too I felt stuck!

[Mel20192019]

Misscannuck that's great im glad your man doesn't yell at you and it's nice that he chose to not follow in his dad's footsteps im happy to know that there's hope for those people!

[ThatwasThen]

Originally Posted by Mel20192019

They are only coming for The weekend to see us and he wants me to tell her to not come. I can't do it she's my mom!! I refuse and tell him that I can't do it, it's wrong. He gets even more mad. We fight for 3 days and they show up and I ask them to come in.

OP: I'm glad you didn't enable him. To cowtow to his abusive, immature and rude behaviour would be nothing short of allowing him to abuse.

 

Hopefully your stance on this situation has woken him up to his own BS and he'll now be open to sitting down and resolving/compromising and won't just assume that you're going to acquiesce to his unreasonableness.

 

Frankly if it was stressing him out that bad then why didn't he go to the hotel and let you, your mom and your sister enjoy your visit in the home so that you could entertain and be the hostess to them you wanted to be? Better yet, why doesn't he work with a therapist to help him with his anxiety and stress levels so that he can stop handling it and taking it out on you and your family?

 

Wow all you guys are great and I am so thankful to have people like you take time for this I really need it. So I agree with you guys, yes I should of compromised you're right I think what happens is when he wants something he doesn't really ask me calmly and when he lashes out and points fingers and complains and yells I just get in this mode where I stay quiet and can't cope or operate so no compromise or discussion happens we just fall in another argument and another tantrum. If he would of asked nicely and we could of figured out something sure i'm up for that! I'd love to be able to make it so he's happy as well but it's just impossible with him! He just has too much of a short fuse to get any discussions in before it blows up! When he's hurt or scared he gets very defensive and protective and I lose him! I guess I was scared to dissapointed my mom and sister too I felt stuck!

 

My husband suffers from anxiety that he has under pretty good control but if he's going to be stressed out over something he would never be rude like that to my family or friends. I hope your husband has learned a lesson and will consider getting therapy to help him with his own anxiety and stress levels. Have you ever talked to him about his reaction to stress and what he thinks he can do to correct such reactions?

[Mel20192019]

Yeah well actually, I have a therapy session tomorrow im hoping to be able to work this stuff out once and for all, he knows he has an anger problem and he keeps saying that I make him angry and that he's working on his anger, what im hoping to get from this therapy session is for him to hear this from a professional so that it clicks in his head that the big issue is his reaction to things and how he deals with his emotions. It's hard to make someone get help tho and the day he realizes that he needs to watch his behavior in order to get loved it will be too late unfortunately, but im giving him one last shot tomorrow to see if the session will wake him up. I know it's a long shot but you never know! Some people actually really believe that the people around them are responsible for their own emotions! Crazy!

[ThatwasThen]

Yeah well actually, I have a therapy session tomorrow im hoping to be able to work this stuff out once and for all, he knows he has an anger problem and he keeps saying that I make him angry and that he's working on his anger, what im hoping to get from this therapy session is for him to hear this from a professional so that it clicks in his head that the big issue is his reaction to things and how he deals with his emotions. It's hard to make someone get help tho and the day he realizes that he needs to watch his behavior in order to get loved it will be too late unfortunately, but im giving him one last shot tomorrow to see if the session will wake him up. I know it's a long shot but you never know! Some people actually really believe that the people around them are responsible for their own emotions! Crazy!

 

Mel, is this HIS therapy session or is it couples therapy? Or: Are is it your personal therapy? You say "I've booked a therapy session" which indicates its for you but then you go onto say you hope "HE hears from a professional that he has an anger problem" so (to me anyway) its a bit unclear.

 

In any event, good luck. I hope he "gets it" that his behaviour was unacceptable and IS unacceptable if that's how he's been all along.

[Hollyj]

Yeah well actually, I have a therapy session tomorrow im hoping to be able to work this stuff out once and for all, he knows he has an anger problem and he keeps saying that I make him angry and that he's working on his anger, what im hoping to get from this therapy session is for him to hear this from a professional so that it clicks in his head that the big issue is his reaction to things and how he deals with his emotions. It's hard to make someone get help tho and the day he realizes that he needs to watch his behavior in order to get loved it will be too late unfortunately, but im giving him one last shot tomorrow to see if the session will wake him up. I know it's a long shot but you never know! Some people actually really believe that the people around them are responsible for their own emotions! Crazy!

 

Yeah, he is working on his anger problem by blaming you. C'mon. This is the opposite of working on it. Addressing his anger would be talking full responsibility. He should choose to want to seek help, not have you pushing him into it. If he really wants help, he will seek it on his own. Period!