Big Problem but confused

[Hollyj]

When you lose this guy, please stay single for a long time. Continue therapy and address what attracts to disrespectful, selfish and angry men. This is not a coincidence. Something attract YOU to this dynamic.

 

Did you look at that link I attached about emotional abuse?

[reinventmyself]

Yeah, he is working on his anger problem by blaming you. C'mon. This is the opposite of working on it. Addressing his anger would be talking full responsibility. He should choose to want to seek help, not have you pushing him into it. If he really wants help, he will seek it on his own. Period!

People make changes when they are ready and when they are willing to take responsibility.

Dragging someone into therapy hoping someone else can tell them they are wrong tends to back fire

[Mel20192019]

The session today is for both of us. The hardest thing for me leaving him is that the list you gave me Holly, thanks for that by the way it's a great document, well he only has some of these behaviors only when we argue or when he's overly stressed and it's not all day on a day to day basis, it's only like 1 time every two weeks that he gets like this, all the other times he's very nice and kind so that's why in having a hard time letting go. I would understand if he was like this with me every day ya for sure I would leave his ass in a heartbeat but the fact that he only gets like this when he's upset only once in a while is the reason that I can't leave him! It's like he's only 2 out of 10 abusive so it's hard to just leave...

[boltnrun]

No abuser is abusive every single day. They'd never attract anyone if they were. (No, I am not convinced he's abusive...just a big baby in an adult's body who blames everyone else for whatever goes wrong in his life).

 

One day out of every 14 he behaves like a child having a tantrum? Yet he's a grown adult? So, let's do the math. In a year, he has a toddler meltdown 26 times. And I presume in between the angry fits you are trying to be super duper careful that you don't say or do anything to set him off.

 

I asked this before but you didn't answer...are you ready and willing to sign on for 40 years of this kind of life? 1,040 baby tantrums and walking on eggshells when he isn't having a childish fit?

[Hollyj]

His anger is explosive, may it it be every day or every two weeks, it is a big problem. He does not take responsibility, and throws it on you. As long as things are going his way-you are walking on eggshells and being obedient-all is good. This is not a way to live. A relationship requires compromise and respect.

 

He has NOT sought anger management and has made it all about you. The bottom of the barrel moment: when he yelled at your poor mother. Disgraceful! What did you do, allow it and stay with him. You need to wake up.

[Hollyj]

No abuser is abusive every single day. They'd never attract anyone if they were. (No, I am not convinced he's abusive...just a big baby in an adult's body who blames everyone else for whatever goes wrong in his life).

 

One day out of every 14 he behaves like a child having a tantrum? Yet he's a grown adult? So, let's do the math. In a year, he has a toddler meltdown 26 times. And I presume in between the angry fits you are trying to be super duper careful that you don't say or do anything to set him off.

 

I asked this before but you didn't answer...are you ready and willing to sign on for 40 years of this kind of life? 1,040 baby tantrums and walking on eggshells when he isn't having a childish fit?

 

Yeah, and kids who will be scared of their father.

[Mel20192019]

Hi guys so just wanted to let you guys know that the session did not happen today... This morning he was very stressed and had alot of anxiety and looked scared for the therapy session. I asked if he was nervous and he said he was and that he wasn't looking forward to the session. I tried being positive and told him that it could really help us and that we could really learn alot from him and we can maybe finally put all this behind us and be happy. Well he started saying that we don't need him and im the one that just needs to change things that he's been wanting me to change and that everything he does and why he's so upset is because I haven't been giving him what he wants. For him to feel heard, for me to assume things that he's doing, for me to stop trying to push things on him. I admit that I do alot of things in our relationship that probably gets him pissed off but I honestly have been trying very hard to change all those things and that's what I tell him but he just keeps yelling that it's been 3 years that he's been wanting me to change these things and I haven't even tried and that he won't change till I change. I even tried to ask today if we could start from scratch and pretend that we just met and to leave all the that's happened in the past and focus on our present and future and to make all that better and he didn't really agree he just kept screaming and saying look what you do to me? You think this is normal to be like this?? Good luck with the other guys none of them will have the patience I have to put up with your ! Your probably just staying with me until you find the next guy! I hate when he rambles on and on about this stuff that's what hurts, I don't even think it's the yelling that much I think it's the words! And he doesn't even call me names he just says im selfish and I don't care and im the one with the anger problem but I never yell!? The part that hurts the most is just not being able to talk to him without him trying to be on my side and not raising his voice but I know he is who he is and nobody can change him. He's just stuck on punishing me and waiting for me to change all my first. It's obvious that I've pushed him to his limits like he says and I think we've crossed that line in our relationship where we've been too hurtful towards one another and there's just nomore repairing it, it's done. My heart hurts so much, I hate loosing people that I love, it's hard to leave people for their bad side and miss their good side, it's the most painfulest thing to leave someone you love and to never see them again. He's always there for me and he always thinks of me day and night, like if I need something at the store and brings me treats and gives me foot rubs and brings me places I wanna go and always tries his best to treat me like a princess, he's romantic and sweet and funny and thoughtful all the time! He's the only man I've ever been with that had all qualities that I love... It's like nomatter how bad I know it is, im having such a hard time leaving, I know we can't have kids, watching my dog shake and run away from him when he yells just hurts enough I would not want to bring kids into this ever. Anyways I know this is pointless, it's obvious here that I am in a relationship that I definitely have to leave, I think it just really felt good to talk to people on here and vent. Thanks again everyone! ❤️

[Camber 2019]

I'm not going to pull any punches...

 

He has some MAJOR issues... run, run, as fast and you can and don't look back! Go NO CONTACT. Do NOT let him intimidate you, manipulate you, or make you feel guilty. He is POISON!

[Hollyj]

Hallelujah! You have seen the light!

 

He totally gaslighted you! He will never take responsibility and blame everyone for everything. He has major issues. I hope that you block and delete him as soon as you settle bills and move out.

 

Please get therapy and stay single for at least a year. You need to understand why you continue choosing these types. Is your father like this?

 

I hope the dog is going with you?

[boltnrun]

So he successfully bullied you into cancelling therapy.

 

It's clear he isn't interested in any self improvement.

 

You do realize he enjoys yelling at you and bullying you, right? Yes, he likes it! He likes to see you cower, to see you cry and beg and plead and make promises to change. I bet you even tell him you love him while he rants and yells...right?

 

THAT is why he won't go to therapy. He doesn't want to stop.

[Hollyj]

So he successfully bullied you into cancelling therapy.

 

It's clear he isn't interested in any self improvement.

 

You do realize he enjoys yelling at you and bullying you, right? Yes, he likes it! He likes to see you cower, to see you cry and beg and plead and make promises to change. I bet you even tell him you love him while he rants and yells...right?

 

THAT is why he won't go to therapy. He doesn't want to stop.

 

He also knows what an azzhole he is, and does not want to be called out on his abusive behavior. He likes what he is doing. It makes him feel good to tear you down. Great guy!

[ThatwasThen]

You should have gone on your own, Mel. It will help you to realize that you deserve more then a foot rub and being treated like a "princess" in between bouts of verbal, emotional and mental abuse.

Your partner has some major issues that he refuses to acknowledge and would rather turn it around on you instead of delving into why he is like he is. If you stay with him, you will basically be enabling him to treat you like crap in between bouts of niceness. Don't believe him when he tells you that no one else will have the patience to be with you. He's got dreadful self worth which makes him scared that you will leave so he tries to belittle you into staying. Don't believe him.

[Wiseman2]

Abusers never change. They have no incentive to. You and all the love and therapy and whatever in the world won't fix or change them. They're just evil. It's that simple.

 

It's you and your dog that need to run away from this and be honest with your friends and family about what a monster he is. All abusers use variations on the "Cycle of violence" to keep you hooked. Google it..

watching my dog shake and run away from him when he yells just hurts enough.

[reinventmyself]

It's like he's only 2 out of 10 abusive so it's hard to just leave...

 

It's like saying he's kinda pregnant. Either you are or you aren't.

[Wiseman2]

You needed to move out there and then and go back home. Why tolerate some jerk screaming at your family?

So mom and sister live 8 hours away. They are only coming for The weekend to see us and he wants me to tell her to not come. he starts yelling at them and tells them that he has the right to it, it's his house and they should listen to.his wants and needs.