I made a huge mistake

[ninjabib]

Yes i would agree with BC, i would look to seek help regarding that trauma you suffered at a young age. Regarding Jess that is good, yuo are doing the right thing. Do not give false hope "maybe down the line" etc , be firm but respectful. Good luck

[boltnrun]

"You're a great guy but it would be best if we don't see one another in a romantic sense any more. I hope you understand".

[rchubn]

YEAH SO...

 

I think you need to look at deeper issues. You can't just use people everytime you get hurt or life gets complicated. You said you dumped the first guy because life got complicated. He still wants you. You pick up another guy because life got complicated and he wants you but now you want to circle back and date the guy you dumped before (for what I'm assuming no reason, simply because you were having a hard time)

 

I'm trying to separate my personal issues from the situation so I can give unbiased advice but I just want to say what you're doing to these guys is unfair and you need to see why you freeze under pressure and why you feel the need to build and the destroy. Are you uncomfortable with the idea of being at peace/happy?

 

I think this is self sabotaging behavior. You're not the first person to self sabotage, you're not a horrible person for doing it but I think you need to realize that while you were self sabotaging, you were dragging these guys and their emotions along for the ride and that's unfair. I think in this situation both men are better off single until you can figure out what deep rooted issue is making you act like this.

 

As for Jess... I'm a firm believer that you can "suggest" a relationship without verbally suggesting a relationship. I find it messed up that you're saying "I never said I was his girlfriend" when you can clearly see he was falling for you. That in itself is messed up and you need to apologize to him and be honest with him. You owe him that. You lead that guy on and used him for emotional comfort. That is wrong and you owe him an apology.

 

As for Dean... I would say you owe him an explanation. He might not ask for one but what the hell... it sounds like you almost broke up with him "just because" hopefully I'm interpreting that wrong and that isnt the case but if it is and personal issues made you dump him, you owe the guy an explanation.

 

I think you need to start taking responsibility for the deeper issues you have and leave others out of it. I think you'll be a lot happier. I also think you owe a few apologies and I think you should make a habit of apologizing for unexplained, self destructive behavior, especially if you involve other people in the fall out.

[rchubn]

Maybe this is just your "tone" but with the little signature at the end of your post rubbed me the wrong way.

 

1. Its self degrading. Although you made some unique decisions that have their own unique consequences I dont think you need to degrade yourself like that. You might be a little lost but You don't deserve that.

 

2. It almost makes it sound comical. Like you're finding humor in the fact that you have two guys wrapped around your finger. It feels like you like the drama?

 

Just my impression! I could be interpreting this all wrong.

[rchubn]

Nonetheless, mistakes can be fixed. Wrongs had be made right. You just need to take responsibility and initiative. You can admit you're wrong without making yourself feel ty about it. You can ask for space to grow.

 

Hell, when it comes to choosing what guy I think once you solve the deep rooted issue, you might get a whole new lense. You might work on yourself, fix your issues and find out that Jess is actually the guy for you. I wouldn't make any solid decisions until you find a way to mend some of the brokenness you clearly have.

 

(I dont mean to be harsh. Call you broken. Emphasize you have issues or anything. We all have issues and things we need to personally work through before making decisions in life)

 

I dont think your discomfort is about the guys. I think it's something else. Just my opinion

[bluecastle]

bluecastle, ive been considering proffessional help in the past, but have had bad experiences with it. Also, i guess until today i havent been ready to change. Thanks for the hugs :)

 

Yeah, it can be tricky finding the right person. A bad experience can really throw us off.

 

But think of it like this: You go out for a run, and every time you do your ankle hurts—badly. One doctor looks at it, is kind of dismissive. You keep running, but the pain is there, getting worse. What do you do? You go and find a better doctor, right? Because you know something is up and you'd much rather run without the pain.

 

Our heads, our hearts, our emotional equilibriums: they're just as vital to us as our muscles, bones, ligaments. They need tending to, when stressed. Seeing where we're fragile, and having the courage to treat it—that is strength, the deep strength I talked about in an earlier post.

 

Sadly, a lot of people mistake love, attention, and relationships as solutions, as medicine. Makes sense, since those fluttery feelings are pretty drug-like. In the beginning they make us feel so good, just the way a handful of painkillers will make running on that ankle easy. But as the love drug fades (like painkillers fade) we're right back where we were—or potentially more strained.

 

The sprain becomes a fracture, a break. A Dean becomes a Jess, a Dean-n-Jess knot.

 

Make any sense?

 

Your awareness is a gift, so honor it. Honoring it is not courting the attention of someone and then being all "oh I'm a mess because this awful thing happened to me when I was 14" and then feeling soothed when they're understanding and lovey dovey. That's just the drug, posing as vulnerability and connection. That's dishonoring self-awareness, by using it as an excuse.

 

Head high, you got this.

[rchubn]

Additional info: I kept telling Jess that hes going too fast, that I wasnt ready for kissing, but he kept pushing and.pushing. I'm a bit scared of breaking it off because hes so intense, and keeps telling me how sweet and honest and wtv I am. I'm not.

Are you scared for your safety because he's "intense"? Because if so, that is another issue in itself and you might need to include some support from close friends into this breakup. If you're fearing for your safety

 

Or

 

Are you scared of his intense feelings? Scared he'll cry... beg...etc... I usually don't condone breaking up over text but in situation like that it might be what's best.

[rchubn]

You're right Rose. I'm just afraid that if i dont act fast, I'll lose Dean forever. theres so much pressure.

If someone is the one for you, you can never truly lose them forever. So if he's able to lose feelings for you because you didn't act "fast" it's just proof that theres someone else out there for you and maybe he's not the guy.

[melonbear]

rchubn, i guess its just a habit of mine to self depricate, and im just feeling incredibly ashamed and regretful and lost. im sorry if it seemed any other way, i realize it was wrong.

[melonbear]

rchubn, thanks for you input. I have and will appologize to both, and give them an honest explanation.

[rchubn]

Kyle, I do love Dean. I think we are soulmates. Im just young(19) and stupid and was afraid of this huge commitment. I'm not anymore. I'm just so torn up about hurting Jess now, though i know i need to break it off asap. Thanks for your input

I always say you should steer away from using the word soulmate. I feel like that word is making you add pressure to yourself or scared you might "miss" out on life with your soulmate if you don't act now. You have to remember that life isn't always now or never. You're only 19. Yes you could've found your soulmate but guess what, if he's truly your soulmate he'll still be your soulmate a year from now or 10 years from now. You wouldn't be on a time crunch.

[melonbear]

I dont think your discomfort is about the guys. I think it's something else. Just my opinion

 

i think youre right, i do have a lot going on. i had reasons for breaking up with dean, it was not just because. for the past 5 years ive just been all over the place, and entering adulthood is a confusing time. i will take your advice to heart

[melonbear]

I'm just very inexperienced with relationships. I had NO idea Jess would fall for me in only a few months, i did not expect him to get attached so fast and it really threw me off. I dont know what to expect when i break up with him, because i dont know him that well, but i do think he deserves an honest face-to-face discussion(?)

[melonbear]

yeah youre right, bluecastle. i got into a relationship with Dean when we were both very vulnerable, and became very co-dependant. its difficult to navigate healthy relationships when youre not comfortable being alone, is what im gathering from this

[Cherylyn]

Do Jess a favor and break it off with him honestly and truthfully. Give yourself time and space. After that, see if Dean will come around and establish good friendship with you. Then take it from there and see if the love you wish for will blossom with him. However, be prepared for a scenario of losing both men since you're confused and with all due respect, unstable.

 

You need to be self confident and possess high self esteem in order to attract others to you. If you feel insecure, learn how to become independent first and then you'll be happy with someone else.

[Rose Mosse]

its difficult to navigate healthy relationships when youre not comfortable being alone, is what im gathering from this

 

Yes! Viola.. This is exactly it. But don't hurry too quickly about it or feel badly that you haven't figured it out (being comfortable being alone) just yet. Take your time and make all your mistakes and live your life. Just keep adding to yourself (your hobbies, your friendships, your family ties, add to your education and your career and keep motivated and happy). Keep growing. One day you'll get it all together and it'll be a little clearer and you'll feel stronger and stronger. Bit by bit and day by day.

[Knight2001]

Dean, Jess, Dean, Jess, Dean, Jess.......I think you'd be better off on your own for a while. you're young, you don't NEED a heavy relationship. concentrate on ME for a while until you've forgotten about both of them.

good luck :)