Help Needed; TRYING TO WALK AWAY

[crazytrain21]

Lol. Sorry. He’s 29 (went back to finish degree) and I’m 39.

[j.man]

Quitting won't make a difference. She didn't block him and is banking on him either not having done so or unblocking her to reach out all the same. If anything, the extra degree of separation would only be perversely spun as it being a much more "innocent" extramarital fling rather than a full-on workplace affair.

 

OP is a full-grown, 39-year old woman. Let's give her due credit as such. It's not but for his longing stares from the water cooler making her weak in the knees that she wouldn't set a day and time and drive to his house to hop on his willy. This isn't a cheesy romance novel. She knows better. She just doesn't care. This thread isn't a cry for help. It's so she can pat herself on the back and tell herself, "I tried."

 

People like this exist and it is what it is. Efforts are best invested elsewhere.

 

Enjoy your side dish, OP. Obviously none of us are going to stop you.

[nutbrownhare]

......and no, I did not set that up. He has always been the one to initiate trying to meet up. I’m not saying I’m not partially to blame, but it has always been him to do the reaching out, to break NC, to text me, etc. Even in the beginning, I had my guard up and never spoke to him, he continually came around....trying and talking and teasing and flirting. I never should have let my guard down.

 

If he's the one who set it up, then it will be down to you to make sure you don't walk back into it again. I'm going to reiterate Capricorn's advice here:

IF you are genuinely sincere about wanting to walk away then it would be as simple as telling him: .."Look, I'm sorry, this was a huge mistake and has to end now. Please don't contact/text me again". You only speak to him when it involves work. And yes, it really IS as simple as that. If you mean it, then say what you mean.

 

There are plenty of people around who are happy to initiate inappropriate relationships with people who are essentially unavailable. It doesn't mean you're obliged to go along with it. In fact, it can be a life skill not to allow yourself to be drawn into scenarios which will really mess up your life, potentially for years to come, for the sake of a couple of nights of passionate sex. It's not just a question of 'not letting your guard down', it's telling the other person, politely but firmly, that you won't be getting involved.

 

I disagree with the posters on here who say you should change your job, especially if your job is one you've had for years and love. What you will need to change is your impulse to self-destruct by acting on an infatuation. An infatuation with a philandering **** who clearly has no respect or caring for you.

[Wiseman2]

I agree. Temptations are everywhere and always will be. It's a matter of resolve.

Quitting won't make a difference.

[Batya33]

Yes, I see now that changing your job isn't the problem. You can avoid him at work and your job as you describe it is stable and important to you. If he continues to pursue you can't you report him for harassment? (that is if you tell him to go away)

[ThatwasThen]

When one is addicted, acting like an adult flies out the window. Addicts do anything but act adult. The cure for addiction, which this very well could be or end up being, is to go cold turkey, zero contact with the substance one is addicted to. After all: Most of us (all of us?) cannot quit smoking if we keep having a drag off of a cigarette.

[boltnrun]

Yep, how successful would anyone be at dieting if they went to the bakery to buy cake every day? Or a person struggling to stop drinking if they went to the bar every day?

[j.man]

Except they're not banging in the office bathroom in some strictly primal act. They're full on scheduling dates. Days ahead of time. It's a concerted effort, not an impulse. As impressively out of touch as "just quit and find another job" is on its own merits, it's utterly ineffectual as there's been every bit of a buffer even an overly impulsive individual might need to decide, "Yeah...I know you were looking damn fine the way you were refilling the copy machine, but I could go home, rub one out / run the bath facet, and still have time to watch Game of Thrones."

[ThatwasThen]

Yes, just like an alcoholic can say I'll just drink one drink on the weekend and I won't bring any home. I'll drink that drink at a bar and then not have anymore. We all know how that ends up.

 

She gt together with him for another romp in the hay even after starting this thread, she didn't even have the wits about her to block and delete him because of her own denial.

 

Anyway: She's not going to quit even if they do it in the janitor closet on the lunch hour so that's that.

[crazytrain21]

I have blocked his number, deleted our texts. He blocked my number and deleted my number/texts (at least he said so right before our last encounter, which I thought was a bit odd, regardless if I found it odd, he said he did) and I have no intention of interacting with him except on a professional level at work. I’m truly trying here. I’m also taking some time off.....just to get some distance.

[crazytrain21]

Also, after he said he has to block and delete me after “this time” he said how he also does not want things to go back like they were the last time we did it; meaning, we didn’t speak afterwards, not even a “hello” when we would see each other and the tension was thick. That’s when he ended up texting me and we both said how we miss each other (and that encounter was nothing as intense as our last encounter). However, I don’t know what he expects.....he knows we can’t talk, he knows we can’t be “friends” all we can do is be professional when we run into each other. Part of me feels it isn’t truly over FOR HIM. I hope it is as it will make things easier for me.

[Batya33]

I am not sure why you're trying to analyze him or going back over what he said. Maybe spend the time instead selecting what action you are going to take -no matter what you feel -so that you stop having sex with him or interacting any way other than polite professionalism? There is no trying. There is either doing or not doing.

[crazytrain21]

I agree with you Batya33, you are so right (most of everything I read here from everyone is right). I’m just struggling which is why I’m here....I’m not 100% strong yet, at times, not going to lie....part of me struggles with still wanting this affair yet I know I must let it go. I’m hour to hour; for a few hours, or a day, I feel strong, positive I am able to walk away, then I struggle and don’t want to let go. He, the feelings are addictive, like a drug I assume and I hate it. And I’ve not even had to see him for 4 days now, I’m scared of how weak and powerless I will feel when do see him in a couple days. I just want this to go away.

[Batya33]

But you can feel what you feel. You don't have to feel strong. You just have to make choices that reflect doing the right thing -even though it's not easy. I'd stop indulging in your inevitable rollercoaster emotions and your desire to continue this affair. And I'd also stop indulging in all the "addictive" catch phrases. Time to focus on actions. Baby steps are fine. You are always able to walk away -that is an action. You have complete control over your actions.

[crazytrain21]

Thank you for your words of encouragement Batya33. I appreciate that. I am waiting to get ripped a new A-hole from most on here, but hey, I understand as I have acted like a selfish tool and deserve every bit....I need “tough love” right now, but I also need kindness, guidance and direction, too. Thank you for reminding me it’s okay if I’m making baby steps right now, and that “it” doesn’t happen overnight. I appreciate all of you on here....for your time, your input, your words of wisdom, whether they are tough, or kind, I appreciate them all. Thursday will be hard as that is when I will probably be seeing his face again - after 6 days of not seeing him.

[pinkyankovic]

I am writing as a girlfriend in a years-relationship with a guy who cheats. I have also been the other woman before.

 

You are probably not the only girl he's cheating with or would like to cheat with. Men like this have a way of making women feel special. When I caught my boyfriend cheating, it hurt because I saw him saying all the same things to other girls that he said to me, things so specific that made me feel noticed, appreciated, and understood. Take that connection and throw it away. If the connection was as amazing as you say it is, he'd be your boyfriend, not hers. Not to mention, if you ever were to get together with him, how could you ever trust him?

[crazytrain21]

Thank you for your advice. I am relieved it is over. And you are right, I can only imagine who else he has done this with.....which trust me, that’s already gone through my mind. I found out, when he invited me over last, he knew full well he was about to leave on vacation with his gf. Why would he invite me over to his home, to his bed right before leaving town with his gf??!

 

Anyhow, I have remained in NC for 13 days, when I see him at work, he just looks at me, making locked in eye contact. I try to always look away, but sometimes it has felt pretty intense and I feel as guilty as him for making eye contact.

[Batya33]

Thank you for your advice. I am relieved it is over. And you are right, I can only imagine who else he has done this with.....which trust me, that’s already gone through my mind. I found out, when he invited me over last, he knew full well he was about to leave on vacation with his gf. Why would he invite me over to his home, to his bed right before leaving town with his gf??!

 

Anyhow, I have remained in NC for 13 days, when I see him at work, he just looks at me, making locked in eye contact. I try to always look away, but sometimes it has felt pretty intense and I feel as guilty as him for making eye contact.

 

Why would he invite you over? Because he is a person who doesn't keep his promises to his girlfriend and he wanted to have intercourse with you because it feels good and because he knew you were fine with participating in him betraying his girlfriend. Because people move towards pleasure and away from pain. Glad you've avoided him for the past almost 2 weeks!

[Jibralta]

Glad you are remaining in NC.

 

Why would he invite me over to his home, to his bed right before leaving town with his gf??!

 

Serious question: Why does it surprise you that he did this? What about it seems incongruent with his behavior in general?

[crazytrain21]

Thank you. I have no intentions of ever reaching out to him. I guess the reason it surprises me, that he would ask me over before leaving on vacation with her is because he claims he struggles with guilt so much. So, if he struggles with guilt as he says, I would think the last thing he would want to do is have me over right before leaving town with his gf.

[Batya33]

Thank you. I have no intentions of ever reaching out to him. I guess the reason it surprises me, that he would ask me over before leaving on vacation with her is because he claims he struggles with guilt so much. So, if he struggles with guilt as he says, I would think the last thing he would want to do is have me over right before leaving town with his gf.[/QU0te]

 

It's like people who break their diets -they know they're going to feel guilty but the temptation to indulge wins out. Basic stuff. And you know that, you're just using it as an excuse to give him head space right now. Make a different choice is my suggestion.

[crazytrain21]

So, he broke NC, in a way. First time he has spoken to me when passing by since this whole thing started. I was with a coworker, he made a joke for us to get back to work, as he passed by, he looked directly at me with those eyes.....And he was the one who said to me two weeks ago, it’s better we don’t joke/tease as it makes it all even more tempting for him. I didn’t say anything back, I just continued in my conversation. What’s he doing? Trying to go there again or just wanting to be friends? My gut says the first of the two but hell, I don’t know anymore. I’m no dummy, I know gecand I cannot be friends....but maybe he thinks we can??

[crazytrain21]

Btw, thank you Batya33 for your help and words of wisdom. I do take it to heart. What you say makes complete sense....

[Nickel Speed]

It's not about what you feel. It's about how you act.

 

You are here to justify your actions. You say you are like an addict. Frankly, that is BS.

D*** isn't heroin.

 

Got problems at home? Work on it. Be an adult. Or leave and then pursue something else.

 

I'd suggest you tell your husband and see what he has to say about it all. You might be able to continue your affair when he's done. Maybe you'll get lucky and he's a cuckold.

[Batya33]

So, he broke NC, in a way. First time he has spoken to me when passing by since this whole thing started. I was with a coworker, he made a joke for us to get back to work, as he passed by, he looked directly at me with those eyes.....And he was the one who said to me two weeks ago, it’s better we don’t joke/tease as it makes it all even more tempting for him. I didn’t say anything back, I just continued in my conversation. What’s he doing? Trying to go there again or just wanting to be friends? My gut says the first of the two but hell, I don’t know anymore. I’m no dummy, I know gecand I cannot be friends....but maybe he thinks we can??

 

I think it was an offhand comment/slip between coworkers and you're looking for him to make eye contact with you. Maybe he felt that you did the same. Please stop giving this too much head space.