Help Needed; TRYING TO WALK AWAY

[crazytrain21]

He said he will delete my number and block my number, yet, my gut tells me it won’t last and he will be back around in time to try. Do I really have to quit my job to end this thing? I’m losing more weight, I can’t sleep, I’m exhausted and it’s noticable to my friends and family. I never expected to be in so deep.

[Capricorn3]

He said he will delete my number and block my number, yet, my gut tells me it won’t last and he will be back around in time to try.

Well, the power is in YOUR hands. You have full control of which way this goes. Something tells me you'll just carry on.

[Batya33]

He said he will delete my number and block my number, yet, my gut tells me it won’t last and he will be back around in time to try. Do I really have to quit my job to end this thing? I’m losing more weight, I can’t sleep, I’m exhausted and it’s noticable to my friends and family. I never expected to be in so deep.

 

Why wouldn't you expect it especially when you chose to have sex with him again before ending the arrangement. Of course people get attached through sex and when the person is unavailable and it's forbidden territory certain people -probably like you - get even more attached to the "excitement".

 

Who cares if he comes back to try to have sex with you again? I agree with Capricorn.

[j.man]

I am SHOCKED, I say.

[IAmFCA]

OP, what are YOU going to do? Can you find a way to value what you have at home and at work (in terms of your job/ career I mean!)?

 

What IS your path?

[boltnrun]

He said he will delete my number and block my number, yet, my gut tells me it won’t last and he will be back around in time to try. Do I really have to quit my job to end this thing? I’m losing more weight, I can’t sleep, I’m exhausted and it’s noticable to my friends and family. I never expected to be in so deep.

 

No, you don't have to quit your job. You could stay, continue to be tempted, give in to the temptation, have both your spouses find out (along with your coworkers), go through a painful and messy divorce and end up with your life in a shambles.

 

If that appeals to you, go ahead and keep having amazing, passionate sex with the other man.

[crazytrain21]

I am done and want to walk away from this. I don’t think I can do it alone though.....can someone help hold me accountable for at least a little while.....I’m going to be honest and say I don t think I am strong enough (yet) to resist him if he tries to contact me, but he said he deleted my info, so hopefully I don’t have to worry about that happening. I want my life back and to feel normal again. How sad what this affair stuff does to a person, not to mention the dishonesty, lies and how I always feel like I’m in a fog. I’m going to start a new hobby, get back to taking care of ME and my well being.

It is not worth it at all.

 

I am on DAY 2 of NC. I can’t quit my job though ....and he is supposed to be leaving in about 6 months anyhow.....I know I can do this.

[boltnrun]

Why "can't" you quit your job?

[Batya33]

I am done and want to walk away from this. I don’t think I can do it alone though.....can someone help hold me accountable for at least a little while.....I’m going to be honest and say I don t think I am strong enough (yet) to resist him if he tries to contact me, but he said he deleted my info, so hopefully I don’t have to worry about that happening. I want my life back and to feel normal again. How sad what this affair stuff does to a person, not to mention the dishonesty, lies and how I always feel like I’m in a fog. I’m going to start a new hobby, get back to taking care of ME and my well being.

It is not worth it at all.

 

I am on DAY 2 of NC. I can’t quit my job though ....and he is supposed to be leaving in about 6 months anyhow.....I know I can do this.

 

Yes- take care of you in the sense that you hold yourself accountable and how I would do it is by volunteering in a way that makes sense to you - you've focused a great deal on yourself - how "you" feel about this person, giving in to your desire to have sex in a situation that was potentially very harmful to innocent people etc. So to improve your well-being I'd try to improve others' wellbeing. And in my opinion volunteer work is a great way to do this. I've done various forms for many years. That can be your "hobby".

 

I don't think you should stay at your job - he might not leave in 6 months so don't count on that.

[ThatwasThen]

He said he will delete my number and block my number, yet, my gut tells me it won’t last and he will be back around in time to try. Do I really have to quit my job to end this thing? I’m losing more weight, I can’t sleep, I’m exhausted and it’s noticable to my friends and family. I never expected to be in so deep.

 

Why don't YOU block and delete his number. You do have that ability you know so why are you leaving your future in HIS hands? If you are so attached/addicted to this tawdry and illicit interaction then yes, you do have to leave your job but find another one first. The last thing you need is to be sitting at home doing nothing but obsessing over your eff buddy.

 

How about you get yourself into therapy to help you to realize that you are not a puppet and he is not your puppet master. You have to have someone help you with your personal boundaries and self-worth. The fact you didn't block and delete him and are relying on him to just not contact you says alot about why you would do well to get into therapy to help you with your resolve that this THING you got yourself into is over. You haven't blocked him yourself because sub consciously you're hoping he reaches out for more happy pants goings on.

[crazytrain21]

Honestly, I didn’t think to block his number since he blocked mine, what can I say, I’m not thinking clearly these days, I’m sure lack of sleep is playing a role.

 

I have deleted all his texts, blocked his number and hidden his face/contact on my IM at my place of employment.

 

Now, if he just stays away and not look at me when running into each other, that will help.

[ThatwasThen]

Honestly, I didn’t think to block his number since he blocked mine, what can I say, I’m not thinking clearly these days, I’m sure lack of sleep is playing a role.

 

I have deleted all his texts, blocked his number and hidden his face/contact on my IM at my place of employment.

 

Now, if he just stays away and not look at me when running into each other, that will help.

Good move. Now when he pops into your head, quickly change the subject to something else and go do something that will keep your mind bizzy on it and not him.

[crazytrain21]

Thank you! And I sure will! I cannot “get lost” in my thoughts but it is so hard at times. When will the roller coaster of emotions go away??! I feel sad and sappy one minute then I feel anger and I hate him the next minute....I won’t lie, I like the anger part much better as it makes me feel stronger.........

[Batya33]

Feelings don’t go away. When you choose a different reaction to your feelings they often subside or fade to the periphery and are little more than a fleeting annoyance. You have to make that choice to react differently to your feelings. Choosing to have sex with him again was a choice to keep your desire for him at the forefront. Had you actually wanted to end the sexual arrangement and move on ASAP you would have made a different choice. You cannot control feelings. You can do the hard work of controlling your actions and reactions. Often doing the right thing is hard work. So?

[ThatwasThen]

Thank you! And I sure will! I cannot “get lost” in my thoughts but it is so hard at times. When will the roller coaster of emotions go away??! I feel sad and sappy one minute then I feel anger and I hate him the next minute....I won’t lie, I like the anger part much better as it makes me feel stronger.........

Did you mean you can get lost in your thoughts. I'm assuming you did but now you know that to keep on doing that just keeps you mired and unable to start the process of getting to the stage of indifference to him. Zero contact means no longer basking in your reverie or replaying the sexual interludes in your mind.

[crazytrain21]

I meant, I need not to and sometimes that is the hardest part of all......to not allow myself to get lost in my thoughts..to not reminisce. And you are absolutely right, what a fool I was (am) to have gone over his home after turning that invite down 3 times. I feel such anger, humiliation, regret and even sadness. I would think I would not be angry at him for doing what is right, and knowing it takes two to tango, however, I can’t help but feel it’s all a game to him, that is the part that upsets me, and the fact I lost a friendship. The fact that last time he said it had to end, I respected it, went NC for two or three weeks only to get a text from him, and here we are. It was always HIM texting me, coming to me, opening that door......and I was the fool who allowed it.

[ThatwasThen]

I meant, I need not to and sometimes that is the hardest part of all......to not allow myself to get lost in my thoughts..to not reminisce. And you are absolutely right, what a fool I was (am) to have gone over his home after turning that invite down 3 times. I feel such anger, humiliation, regret and even sadness. I would think I would not be angry at him for doing what is right, and knowing it takes two to tango, however, I can’t help but feel it’s all a game to him, that is the part that upsets me, and the fact I lost a friendship. The fact that last time he said it had to end, I respected it, went NC for two or three weeks only to get a text from him, and here we are. It was always HIM texting me, coming to me, opening that door......and I was the fool who allowed it.

 

Well, you've blocked him now so you won't be able to allow yourself to be hoovered back by him. If he talks to you at work about any of it, tell him to stop and walk away. If he can hoover you back again while at work then you will defo have to find another job.

[boltnrun]

Why "can't" you quit your job?

[crazytrain21]

I do not want to quit my job unless I absolutely have to; for one, I have been at my job for many years and I love my job. Two, he has only been there a short while and intend on leaving in about 6 months (he is only there as he finishes college). So, unless he does not quit and/or he continues to stare and tempt me, I don’t want to quit. I will however if it’s my only option. I’m hoping he did as he said, blocked me and deleted my number so that way, we are both truly on the same page.

[crazytrain21]

.......and yes, I should have thought about the fact I live my job before doing what I have done. Unfortunately, I was too stupid and selfish to care.

[boltnrun]

So it's not that you can't quit, it's that you don't want to.

 

Interesting how you can think of several "reasons" to stay at that job but disregard the most important thing and a REAL reason to leave...to save your marriage.

 

Just because you can't call or text him doesn't mean he can't figure out a way to get you to have sex with him again. He was able to a couple of days ago and you didn't set that up, did you?

 

It all comes down to how much your marriage means to you in comparison to having illicit sex with that other man.

[crazytrain21]

Please, tell me (as I am trying to understand) so you believe I must quit my job in order for this to be over? From your “experience” or to the best of your knowledge, I’m being naive to think he and I can continue at the same place of employment and walk away from this affair even considering we have both blocked each other’s numbers?

 

I have never been in this situation, so I am a bit naive. I have been married for nearly 20 years and am ashamed to say, “never say never”....I used to say I would never stray, now look at me.

[crazytrain21]

......and no, I did not set that up. He has always been the one to initiate trying to meet up. I’m not saying I’m not partially to blame, but it has always been him to do the reaching out, to break NC, to text me, etc. Even in the beginning, I had my guard up and never spoke to him, he continually came around....trying and talking and teasing and flirting. I never should have let my guard down.

[Batya33]

......and no, I did not set that up. He has always been the one to initiate trying to meet up. I’m not saying I’m not partially to blame, but it has always been him to do the reaching out, to break NC, to text me, etc. Even in the beginning, I had my guard up and never spoke to him, he continually came around....trying and talking and teasing and flirting. I never should have let my guard down.

 

It doesn't matter who reaches out -you're both to blame - you responded. If someone told you to kill someone and you did it would you be less responsible? You chose to "let your guard down" and now you're prioritizing beating yourself up about your choices rather than stepping up to the plate and making other choices.

 

I would stay for 6 months (if he indeed leaves) as long as you don't have to interact with him at work. Otherwise you will likely choose to let your guard down again and come up with excuses. It's too tempting for you.

[ThatwasThen]

I do not want to quit my job unless I absolutely have to; for one, I have been at my job for many years and I love my job. Two, he has only been there a short while and intend on leaving in about 6 months (he is only there as he finishes college). So, unless he does not quit and/or he continues to stare and tempt me, I don’t want to quit. I will however if it’s my only option. I’m hoping he did as he said, blocked me and deleted my number so that way, we are both truly on the same page.

You've been married for 20 years yet he's just finishing college? Say what?