Should I be concerned

[DancingFool]

3 weekends away after spending 3 days together and celebrating his birthday he called less. Once a week ....where normally he would call every other day or so and text.

We also didn't meet one weekend so we didn't meet for almost 2 weeks. I decided to step back and observe. He then ask me is everything ok.....I said I am not sure but said it is less of him, I also said meeting once every 2 weeks and phone call weekly feels strange at this stage....he blamed on work and that he knew we didn't talk much. He said that it was only a few days .... also did say I should call more often

He said I should speak to him instead worry ....He than asked me to spend weekend with him. What made me worry is that he said he knew if he won't ask me to spend time during this weekend , he won't hear from me and furthermore he thinks I would probably end things with him by next Tuesday.

What do I do wrong if I come across like this ?

So he met me to avoid me moaning or a break up ?

After this conversation...few days later he brought the news about trips and move.

Now if I ask about it ....it will be too much of issues all at once...

And....I call more often since his comment last week but now he stopped ....ever since, we spoke cause I called....

 

Well what you do wrong is be way too passive in the relationship. You expect the man to keep on chasing and putting in ALL the work into the relationship while you just sit back and enjoy the benefits.

 

What he told you in a pretty straightforward way is that he expects you to become much more engaged in the relationship at this point and actually carry some of the burden of maintaining contact, planning dates, communicating, showing that you are interested in him, etc. He wants a more equal partner who is more invested and you aren't showing that at all. The message coming from you is chase me or I'll presume you aren't interested in me and I'll dump you because I'm really insecure like that. He also pointed out to you that your insecurities are really obvious and while he is willing to assure you some, you need to help assure yourself more.

 

I hope this all works out for you, but you've got to drop the game playing, aka the man must always chase me, mentality. That's fine for the first few dates, but after that, reasonable men will expect you to step up and for the communication dynamic to become more balanced. Think of it more as developing the friendship aspect of the relationship. How would you feel if your friend only talked to you when you call but never bothered to call you? You'd notice and after awhile start to lose interest in this one sided friendship, right? You'd start to feel used and like this friend isn't really interested in being your friend. You are doing the same to your relationship.

[Wiseman2]

What makes you think you'll do all the visiting, driving, bearing expenses, etc? Is something telling you it will one-sided?

he is considering to move is almost 2 hours away by train from our city and this means almost £50 return ticket for me should I be visiting ....bit challenging for my pocket ...but we will see

[irka000]

Things I guess, resolved themselves...it's Friday evening here...I called him at 8pm and his phone was off. I texted if he could call me.

He did not share his Friday plans with me but I find it strange that his phone is off again on Friday. This also happened 2 weeks ago....

His excuse is always that he charges his phone on flight mode which I find very weird....who does that ?

Anyway I don't need such worries in my life right now ....sorry , just need it to let it out. ..

[figureitout23]

Things I guess, resolved themselves...it's Friday evening here...I called him at 8pm and his phone was off. I texted if he could call me.

He did not share his Friday plans with me but I find it strange that his phone is off again on Friday. This also happened 2 weeks ago....

His excuse is always that he charges his phone on flight mode which I find very weird....who does that ?

Anyway I don't need such worries in my life right now ....sorry , just need it to let it out. ..

 

Understandable, everyone needs to vent. But at the end of the day you have and have always had the power, you either accept his behavior ( not saying he’s doing anything wrong just that you have to choice to accept him and who he is)! and continue or you learn to self soothe or you decide to walk away. Right now you’re choosing limbo where you go along to get along, it’s another choice but it’s one that will continue to have events like this and the one that started this thread.

[bluecastle]

Did you end it? Is that what you mean by resolved?

[irka000]

I will first hear his excuse and than I will end it ....just for sake of my sanity

[figureitout23]

I will first hear his excuse and than I will end it ....just for sake of my sanity

 

What?

 

Ending your insanity would be stopping now, not prolonging it.

 

Whether you believe him or not is up to you ending it or not is up to you, you hold the power in your decisions. You’re choosing drama, you’re choosing the option that gives you the chance to stay. No judgement, but own it. Please keep in mind I’m not saying he’s guilty of anything, that’s again until to you.

 

Whats the point of being passive aggressive just say

 

I’m going to wait to see if his reason calms my anxiety if it does I will stay.

[katrina1980]

I will first hear his excuse and than I will end it ....just for sake of my sanity

 

Why do you need to hear his excuse? Short of him telling you he's done, or screwing another woman, you know it's gonna be bullshyt so why bother. Yawn.

 

irka, as I said in earlier post, you know something's off, you knew it then otherwise this thread wouldn't exist.

 

Trust your gut!!

 

None of this sounds good or positive, you're clearly unhappy, you know something's not right.

 

Yeah, I believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt, but in this case, especially given this new info about tonight, there is no doubt. Not to me, writing is on the wall loud and clear. I sensed it from your very first post.

 

Stop second guessing your own intuition, and make a decision.

 

Walk away, you don't need his permission.

 

I'm sorry, best of luck.

[irka000]

So he called me back a moment ago , as soon as he turned on his phone (11pm)...these means several hours after I texted requesting to call me.

He said he was charging his phone. What a joke....he started with what a nightmare day he had, how he had bad stomach ....didn't give me a chance to say a word as he bombarded me with this bad day events one after another....but I asked about the phone anyway and he said he was charging...I said I called your work phone and you didn't answer either ....

I never question him like this cause I barely called ....he encouraged me to call more and here we are ....I cannot reach him ....I said that this doesn't sound right and he got angry and I ended conversation and that was it ....

Am gutted ....he texted after that he can't believe how " supportive" I am ...

[itsallgrand]

Were there plans for you to spend the day or evening together? I'm confused.

[irka000]

We were meant to meet on Saturday but this will not happen now....funny enough he texted me 5pm to say how much he will be happy to see me and asked what time should we meet....he didn't wait for my response , clearly ....cause was phone was off after.

I am done here ....who charges phone on flight mode ? For hours !

[figureitout23]

Soooo you’re brekaing up with him because he didn’t answer the phone?

 

Wait no you didn’t actually break up you threw a fit and ended the convo without actually ending anything, leaving he door completely open for more drama.

[katrina1980]

Come on guys, it's not just this, it's "everything" combined -- I'm with irka, not that I would have thrown a fit, but trust your gut!!

 

Choose wisely from the get go and avoid heartbreak later.

 

Too late for that I guess, but it's never too late to walk.

 

And I will tell you, if my bf ever pulled this crap going back to talking about moving away (without me) to turning his phone off on a Friday night, on multiple occasions, nowhere to be found, calling less, less attentive, etc etc I'd be done too.

 

And btw, you don't need to turn your phone off when charging it.

 

I talk on the phone, text, return texts, etc all the time while it's charging.

 

So that excuse was bullshyt. Next.

[irka000]

Thank you Katrina ....I thought maybe some mobile just charged this way.....but if he wanted to tell me about this drama day or whatever, he could call from work phone as he often does ....

He never gave me his land line as he said he hardly picks lol

That usually advertising people call...

And I said to him I am done here ...so this is over .I won't contact him again.

[j.man]

You're far too much.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. If you think he's playing games, just tell him it's over. Then you can move forward without all the guessing games.

[irka000]

Thank you Wiseman 2....much appreciated ... I think he may have been torn between me and someone else ...his recent behaviour was different and almost indifferent unless was pointed out. Then he behaved as before ....

We meant to meet today. Nevermind. I am certainly done. Cant wonder each weekend apart if his phone will be off ....he is almost 50....and I am too old for this.

[figureitout23]

Come on guys, it's not just this, it's "everything" combined -- I'm with irka, not that I would have thrown a fit, but trust your gut!!

 

Choose wisely from the get go and avoid heartbreak later.

 

Too late for that I guess, but it's never too late to walk.

 

And I will tell you, if my bf ever pulled this crap going back to talking about moving away (without me) to turning his phone off on a Friday night, on multiple occasions, nowhere to be found, calling less, less attentive, etc etc I'd be done too.

 

And btw, you don't need to turn your phone off when charging it.

 

I talk on the phone, text, return texts, etc all the time while it's charging.

 

So that excuse was bullshyt. Next.

 

That’s just it though Kat, I feel your opinion isn’t looking at the whole picture, which is why I think our opinions differ, which you know whatever, not the first time but if you want to question what I’m saying I have no issue expanding...

 

This particular poster, I remember posters by their writing style or the subjects they wrote about, no always , but every now and then I’ll see a screen name and think “ oh that’s the poster who’s boyfriend is abusive” or “ oh that’s the poster that’s stalking his ex wife and claiming to be NC” Irka to me is “ the poster who’s petrified of seeming needy” I personally saw a pattern, “how do i do this without seeming needy” “ I want this but I don’t want to seem needy”

 

3 weekends away after spending 3 days together and celebrating his birthday he called less. Once a week ....where normally he would call every other day or so and text.

We also didn't meet one weekend so we didn't meet for almost 2 weeks. I decided to step back and observe. He then ask me is everything ok.....I said I am not sure but said it is less of him, I also said meeting once every 2 weeks and phone call weekly feels strange at this stage....he blamed on work and that he knew we didn't talk much. He said that it was only a few days .... also did say I should call more often

He said I should speak to him instead worry ....He than asked me to spend weekend with him. What made me worry is that he said he knew if he won't ask me to spend time during this weekend , he won't hear from me and furthermore he thinks I would probably end things with him by next Tuesday.

What do I do wrong if I come across like this ?

So he met me to avoid me moaning or a break up ?

After this conversation...few days later he brought the news about trips and move.

Now if I ask about it ....it will be too much of issues all at once...

And....I call more often since his comment last week but now he stopped ....ever since, we spoke cause I called....

 

I think, based on recent posts, her need to not show weakness has made their relationship one sided.

 

Well what you do wrong is be way too passive in the relationship. You expect the man to keep on chasing and putting in ALL the work into the relationship while you just sit back and enjoy the benefits.

 

What he told you in a pretty straightforward way is that he expects you to become much more engaged in the relationship at this point and actually carry some of the burden of maintaining contact, planning dates, communicating, showing that you are interested in him, etc. He wants a more equal partner who is more invested and you aren't showing that at all. The message coming from you is chase me or I'll presume you aren't interested in me and I'll dump you because I'm really insecure like that. He also pointed out to you that your insecurities are really obvious and while he is willing to assure you some, you need to help assure yourself more.

 

I hope this all works out for you, but you've got to drop the game playing, aka the man must always chase me, mentality. That's fine for the first few dates, but after that, reasonable men will expect you to step up and for the communication dynamic to become more balanced. Think of it more as developing the friendship aspect of the relationship. How would you feel if your friend only talked to you when you call but never bothered to call you? You'd notice and after awhile start to lose interest in this one sided friendship, right? You'd start to feel used and like this friend isn't really interested in being your friend. You are doing the same to your relationship.

 

I’m not the only one who noticed. Ironically even though its one sided the OPer lets her anxiety out from time to time.This was one of the moments the OPer pushes through her anxiety and reaches out.

 

 

Things I guess, resolved themselves...it's Friday evening here...I called him at 8pm and his phone was off. I texted if he could call me.

He did not share his Friday plans with me but I find it strange that his phone is off again on Friday. This also happened 2 weeks ago....

His excuse is always that he charges his phone on flight mode which I find very weird....who does that ?

Anyway I don't need such worries in my life right now ....sorry , just need it to let it out. ..

 

But he doesn’t answer so it becomes zero to 100. Could he be lying? Sure. Could he have multiple girlfriends sure! Could he have had a stressful day at work and needed a minute to unwind before getting on the phone? Also possible, could he have given the excuse that his phone was charging to calm the waters, I think it’s possible. But instead of lookin at all angles the zero to 100 I’m going to hurt you before you hurt me because I’m insecure, hissy fit happens. It wasn’t a calm, “hey this isn’t working out”, which I’m not saying she shouldn’t have done, the way it was done though? to me was childish.

 

You have every right to end something that isn’t working for you. But own your part, sheesh.Notice the post is a paragraph but goes from “ things I guess resolved themselves” to “ I don’t need such worries on my life” that’s impressive! And as another poster asked “resolved themselves how?” Because these issues keep resolving but we the audience never seem to clearly see how, it’s kinda like watching the movie and it cuts away from the fight scene and we just see the two character watching tv, like how did we get here?!?! I think each time he soothes her anxiety and it was back to status quo because that was the main issue her anxiety, her distrust, not saying he’s innocent, I honestly don’t know but I can see her anxiety and once it was soothed everything was ok.

 

Thank you Wiseman 2....much appreciated ... I think he may have been torn between me and someone else ...his recent behaviour was different and almost indifferent unless was pointed out. Then he behaved as before ....

We meant to meet today. Nevermind. I am certainly done. Cant wonder each weekend apart if his phone will be off ....he is almost 50....and I am too old for this.

 

He’s being accused of being indifferent but I don’t see that, he probably was hurt by the convo which is why he texted something along good the lines of “thanks for being supportive” as noted above. But the OPer doesn’t see it that way she sees his actions as wrong, her prerogative. but an incompatibility doesn’t make this man a cheat or a bad guy.

 

But insisting on bashing him as a cheat and a bad guy is a red flag especially in her 40s, like she said “she’s too old for this” she is! She should not be dating with so much uncertainly and fear, she shouldn’t hold onto someone who isn’t meeting her needs. But she did and tight too. So I should ignore all that and join in on bashing a guy because he has his phone off for a couple of hours a few times in their relationship? Seems a bit much...

 

Letting go and walking away due to incompatibility was always an option. Taking a step back and working through anxieties and learning to self soothe also an option. Getting hyper defensive and pushing him away and blaming him for everything and taking note of nothing that happened in that dating expieriences also

an option but I’m not a fan of advising posters to do the latter.

[katrina1980]

Fair points FIO and agree about her bashing him now or whenever he does not live up to her expectations.

 

For me, I'm fairly perceptive, am able to sense when things are off, and especially in these very early stages (two months I think she said it was), I just make the decision and walk.

 

Re the full picture, I don't know irka's history my bad. I give you tons of credit for taking the time to read her history, or perhaps you recall previous threads.

 

I admit, knowing her history could possibly change my opinion.

 

I'm going to own something, not sure if it's good or bad, but it is what it is.

 

What I struggle with sometimes on these types of threads is I put myself in their 'shoes' and can imagine it happening to me. I can literally feel what they're feeling.

 

So in irka's situation, when I imagine my bf of two months, which when it's right, should be the "honeymoon" stage, the time when we're both on cloud nine, discussing (on a whim) wanting to move away, two hours by train, without me, combined with all these other trips, again without me, yes alarm bells are gonna start ringing.

 

Then, after we start planning a trip together ourselves, suddenly he "pulls back," calls/texts less, less attentive. To me this is indicative of commitments issues, and yes alarm bells will start ringing. For me.

 

As if that's not bad enough, on multiple occasions he behaves shady by turning off his phone on weekend nights, nowhere to be found, giving me some bogus excuse that he was charging his phone. Which again, you don't need to turn your phone off to charge.

 

All this after only two months in, I don't need it.

 

But as I said, I wouldn't throw a fit about it, I would not even be mad.

 

Disappointed? A little hurt? A little bit played? Yes!!

 

Now I realize I could be misinterpteting all this, and would LOVE to hear his side. I will own that!

 

But if in fact, he felt like irka wasn't putting forth the effort, which is possible, there are much better ways of communicating/handling that other than expressing a desire to move away, pulling back and acting shady on multiple occasions by shutting off his phone and giving her some bullshyt excuse why.

[figureitout23]

I see your point Kat 😊

 

But I will say again. I think it’s her impression that his phone being off is shady, there is no evidence of that.

 

Not everyone has their phones on their hip 24/7. Some people silence them or turn them off to chill out. I personally at times forget mine in other rooms, and my phones constantly cutting off and sometimes I don’t bother charging it.

 

That’s me, not anxious, not concerned, beyond friends or work, I’m not anxiously awaiting anyone’s calls so the status of my phone is irrelevant. If I’m insecure in a dating situation, I have in the past been hyper focused on my phone, secure dating situations, my phones not always by me nor am I truly focused on it. Remember that dude I was dating who would freak out and cancel plans if I didn’t respond for an hour. Sure from the other persons point of view it could be seen as sketchy behavior but the insistence to distrust first instead of just owning your own insecurity and figuring out how to properly handle it....

 

He is being labeled shady for having his phone off on two different fridays, so be it, it’s over now, again not seeing how it automatically means he has another woman, I mean logically wouldn’t he have the phone cut off the whole night? Did the other woman come over for a two hour quickie? Was he at a massage parlor for that time? Wouldn’t silencing the phone be just as effective? I’m just not on board with this assumption but she’s distrusted him and fought that for months now, the distrust was bound to win eventually.

[katrina1980]

You are right FIO shutting phone off, not answering is not shady.

 

If we did not have plans, it wouldn't even matter. I wouldn't even know it unless I called and it went straight to voice mail.

 

But so what? He has the right to turn off his phone if he wants!

 

I certainly would not have interrogated him about it.

 

Not my style.

 

What's questionsble (to me) is him scrambling around trying to find a plausible excuse.

 

First he put his phone on flight mode, then after that, he said he was charging it.

 

Which is it? Lol

 

That's the red flag for me, at least how I am perceiving it from what irka wrote.

 

I keep saying this, but just be REAL.

 

I need real.

 

"I didn't feel like talking to anyone, needed time alone." Which is fine!! I often feel the same!

 

But him scrambling trying to find a plausible excuse suggests he was up to something shady, again combined with everything else only two months in, I don't need it.

 

Wish him well, but not working for me, bye.

[irka000]

It has been since December last year....so more than two months. He said his phone died at around 5.30pm and I called his work phone too. The ring is normally loud.

Sure he has right to zone out...

At the beginning when his phone died he called me from work phone to say that his battery died in case I want to talk , I should call work phone.

When you charge phone ,phone switches on its own...he must have turned off on purpose. Why asking me question then " what time we meeting tomorrow" if he doesn't expect an answer ...

[katrina1980]

Ok, three months, lol, still very early stages.

 

You are giving him too much head space irka.

 

Yes it hurts, yes it's disappointing, but you made your decision, own it and move on.

 

I'm sorry.

[katrina1980]

irka, curious, what was his response, reaction, when you ended it?

 

Surprise? Confused?

 

Did he attempt to change your mind, chalking it up to a misunderstanding? Or miscommunication?

 

Which is possible actually, not ruling it out.

 

I think you acted on emotion, so now that you're calm, you are prone to second guessing and obsessing.

 

I'm not saying you were wrong for ending it, I probably would have done same under the same circumstances as you explained them.

 

But my decision would not have been based on emotion.

 

Just not right for me, not what I want for myself, and having a boyfriend who is local and accountable, I realize now this is what I prefer. What I need.

 

Him announcing he wants to move away, without me, would not work for me anymore.

 

Anyway, I'm beginning to ramble, I'm sorry things didn't work out, best of luck moving forward. :)

[Batya33]

It has been since December last year....so more than two months. He said his phone died at around 5.30pm and I called his work phone too. The ring is normally loud.

Sure he has right to zone out...

At the beginning when his phone died he called me from work phone to say that his battery died in case I want to talk , I should call work phone.

When you charge phone ,phone switches on its own...he must have turned off on purpose. Why asking me question then " what time we meeting tomorrow" if he doesn't expect an answer ...

 

Just wow. So many assumptions about how his phone works, what he knows about his phone, how he described his phone's mechanisms to you and then leaping to the conclusion that he's lying/potentially cheating. I've missed texts from friends and vice versa. And weirdly too - I should have seen them - I have my phone on regularly during the day in case my son's school calls - who knows? Thank goodness they believed me and I, them. In other cases if I have texted someone and I'm not sure she got it but she's been flaky in the past, no I don't bother following up - ball is in her court to make a plan and I just don't feel like doing the whole follow up thing. But no i don't automatically assume she saw and is ignoring him.

 

It simply shouldn't be this kind of interaction where you're constantly putting him on trial, gathering your evidence, guilty as charged. Ick.