Is he potentially abusive?

[katrina1980]

Also jmo but I don't think a man who was truly controlling, potentially abusive, "psycho" as DF just labeled him, would ever announce this to a woman he just started dating.

 

Controlling, abusive behavior is much more insidious.

 

It creeps up on you slowly, gradually, often without a woman even realizing it.

 

And offering to walk you home? For heaven's sake, this is not controlling or abusive in any way shape or form and I am beginning to wonder about your mindset Karen, since you believe it is.

 

Again jmo but it sounds like you may possibly have some trust issues, generally, not related to this guy.

 

Do you? Have you explored this possibility within yourself?

 

Not accusing you or judging, just asking.

[Karen1992]

Also jmo but I don't think a man who was truly controlling, potentially abusive, "psycho" as DF just labeled him, would ever announce this to a woman he just started dating.

 

Controlling, abusive behavior is much more insidious.

 

It creeps up on you slowly, gradually, often without a woman even realizing it.

 

And offering to walk you home? For heaven's sake, this is not controlling or abusive in any way shape or form and I am beginning to wonder about your mindset Karen, since you believe it is.

 

Again jmo but it sounds like you may possibly have some trust issues, generally, not related to this guy.

 

Do you? Have you explored this possibility within yourself?

 

Not accusing you or judging, just asking.

I may have trust issues, that's correct. I was even told that by someone who I was dating in the past...

I don't say walking home is controlling. He just told me I HAVE TO send him a message after going home. Once I didn't and after that he said he wants to walk me home because the last time I did not say I am home safe. I also felt he wants to know where I live.

[limichelle]

if you feel uncomfortable in your gut then no longer see him it really is that simple. Remember a lot of wolves like to dress in sheep’s clothing, so if you suspect his ‘niceness’ seems suspiciously not good intentioned then leave.

 

Lisa

[Gary Snyder]

He said he's going to be honest and he said he has a problem with being controlling

 

- There you have, right from the horses' mouth. If he said it, believe it. It's perfectly clear, no need to use your intuition in this case. This is probably why he's single. Run Forest, run.

 

Edit: by the way, all stalkers are control freaks (or crazy).

[maew]

I may have trust issues, that's correct. I was even told that by someone who I was dating in the past...

I don't say walking home is controlling. He just told me I HAVE TO send him a message after going home. Once I didn't and after that he said he wants to walk me home because the last time I did not say I am home safe. I also felt he wants to know where I live.

 

Yea I mean he might not be controlling with the intent to abuse you, but he does sound anxious and like he needs to micromanage what you do in order to feel safe / content / build trust / etc.

 

If you can live with that, great... personally I prefer something in between disinterest and intense questioning.

[reinventmyself]

I know it sound stupid but if you date someone shy, caring and respectful and then they tell you something like that, it's difficult to 'wake up' and really belive it. That's why I need some opinions of other people.

 

I unmatched him after he checked my location, the place I work at he could easily check online as it's a big company and only one of this type in this area. About gym, where I normally shop and where I live I lied or said "it depends".

 

but before you came here to ask for feedback, you found yourself this considering these things^^

Wouldn't this be enough?

These questions and actions made you uncomfortable. Is this you need to listen to. Not us.

But if you need to hear it, yes. It's a red flag.

 

Him admitting what you already suspected should be enough to end communication.

[reinventmyself]

deleted . . . . .

[thisisrichey]

to me... this just sounds like a highly inexperienced dater who hasn't gotten out much and thus just doesn't know what to do. the only things he knows is probably what he's seen on tv and the movies and/or all the thigns women "complain" about openly about men and thus wants to make sure he's doing what women complain they want out of men.

 

He is definitely insecure. but most inexperienced daters ARE insecure! Know that insecurity does potentially always mean abuse/control can ultimately happen. But really what we need to look at is the motivation, where the control and insecurity are coming from. How is it manifesting?

 

but to me it doesn't sound like it's coming from a malicious place.. just a highly inexperienced place. Even so, it means this one will be a challenge - constant effort into training him to NOT be insecure, to NOT be controlling, and to NOT do all those creep ythings - and still always hav a chance he IS creepy.

 

If it were me... i would let him know that people that end up liking and loving each other - DON'T mistrust, control, or keep tabs or do obssessive things towards that person (like looking up their schedules, gyms, where they work, keep tabs on them, need tok now where they are and what they're doing ALL the time). Loving people are able to let each other go and be their own person knowing that person is always going to come back to them and wants to. if a person CAN'T let go, CAN'T let that person do their own separate thing - then what they have for that person is NOT love- but obssession. And obssession is never healthy, nor is it love.

 

So.. if he insists on OBSSESSING about you (which is what he's doing now) - then this can not continue because you are not looking to be obssessd over. You are looking for somebody that cares and loves you. And a caring/loving person wouldnt' obssess over you as he is doing now.

 

Then leave the rest to him. let him show one way or the other if he cares, or is just obssessed. Obssessors can not hide their obssessions. Caring people can always show they care.

 

Good luck.

[figureitout23]

I may have trust issues, that's correct. I was even told that by someone who I was dating in the past...

I don't say walking home is controlling. He just told me I HAVE TO send him a message after going home. Once I didn't and after that he said he wants to walk me home because the last time I did not say I am home safe. I also felt he wants to know where I live.

 

That’s all folks!

 

Trust your gut, you’re fighting against it right now, walk away.

[Karen1992]

I wrote him that it's not gonna work. He said he don't know what happened and he wants to meet to discuss. I said it will not change anything. He said my comfort is the most important and if I don't want to meet then we will not. Should I have talk to him or it's pointless?

[Wiseman2]

This is your spin, not his. Decide what is over cautious, paranoia and real. Learn the difference between normal gentlemanly behavior and controlling behaviors. Decide what you want. If he claimed he's controlling, then you stop dating, it's that simple. If you think a courtesy or act of concern, such as 'shoot me a text when you get home safely' is "stalking" or a ploy to find out where you live, then only therapy can help you explore why you feel threatened by some normal behaviors and confused by obvious controlling behaviors.

I also felt he wants to know where I live.

[Boo1986]

I wrote him that it's not gonna work. He said he don't know what happened and he wants to meet to discuss. I said it will not change anything. He said my comfort is the most important and if I don't want to meet then we will not. Should I have talk to him or it's pointless?

 

I think you should leave it at that and be lucky you got out before it gets to messy. I had a relationship that started out not even as much as what yours did, he just started asking slowly what times my appts were etc at first I thought because he cared then in hindsite realised he was cross checking everything to make sure I wasn’t lying he turned into a full blown control freak not 2 months in, was checking my dirty laundry for signs of infidelity, asking for call logs on my phone and what not. Anyway your story just rang alarm bells with me and I definitely definitely think you should be thankful you got out now!!

[DancingFool]

I wrote him that it's not gonna work. He said he don't know what happened and he wants to meet to discuss. I said it will not change anything. He said my comfort is the most important and if I don't want to meet then we will not. Should I have talk to him or it's pointless?

 

Nooooooo! That's it, it's done. It's over and good for you that you decided to take the advice, listen to your gut, and get out. You may say that it won't change anything, BUT he wants to control and convince you otherwise or at least put in the last word. Even the whole your comfort is most important is manipulative bs. If it was so important, he wouldn't have said that or asked to talk and would simply accept your choice like a normal person. It's actually a subtle guilt trip - see what a good guy I am, I care about you so much and you dumped me, don't you just feel awful about it? Subtle but it worked because here you are wondering if you should meet him........ Do not grant exit interviews. People like him see it as a weakness, a hole in your armor and it just encourages them to push you further. Trust me I'm speaking from experience here.

[katrina1980]

Karen I think you did the right thing only because it's become quite clear you just do not like him.

 

And that's okay, you don't even need a reason, or excuse to justify it.

 

I'm wondering though, in what context did he tell you he was controlling?

 

I find this odd, as true controllers/abusers do not typically openly admit this, to the contrary, they go out of their way in the beginning to pull you in, get you to trust them.

 

NOT say things that might potentially push you away. Or admit a weakness.

 

Not saying he didn't say it, I'm just interested in the context cause again I find it strange.

 

I agree with Wiseman and also thisisrichey. He sounds more like an insecure, anxious awkward guy who has no clue what he's doing and may be following some advice he's read that say women like to be dominated and other such advice.

 

I've read it myself so know it exists.

 

Problem is, he's clueless so it comes across awkward, and yes does make him appear like a controller and an a-hole.

 

I dunno, I wasn't there, don't know him and only hearing your side, which does sound a bit scewed imo, and may be caused by trust issues (which you admitted) or paranoia as Wisemsn suggested.

 

In any event, yeah you did the right thing by ending it.

 

Most of this thread is you trashing him, nothing positive at all, you don't like him, you are not comfortable with him so for those reasons, you did the right thing.

 

As for him being a controller, honestly I have no idea. I don't know him and only hearing your side of things, which again may be tainted by trust issues or other issues. Possibly.

[katrina1980]

To add, I see nothing controlling about him wanting to talk to you after you dumped him.

 

Read some threads from guys who have been dumped, I'd say a good majority of them want to talk to their girlfriends after being dumped.

 

Not because they want to manipulate them or guilt trip but because they're hurt, confused, and want some understanding and closure. And sure perhaps hoping they change their minds.

 

It's needy but not controlling necessarily.

 

There are tons of threads from guys on this, are they all controllers too?

 

Again, not saying he's not controlling, he very well may be, I just see no real solid evidence of that based on what you've posted.

 

What is clear is you don't like him anymore, not feeling it, which is okay.

 

Now you can move on to find a guy you are into and feel more comfortable with.

 

JMO.

[Karen1992]

Karen I think you did the right thing only because it's become quite clear you just do not like him.

 

And that's okay, you don't even need a reason, or excuse to justify it.

 

I'm wondering though, in what context did he tell you he was controlling?

 

I find this odd, as true controllers/abusers do not typically openly admit this, to the contrary, they go out of their way in the beginning to pull you in, get you to trust them.

 

NOT say things that might potentially push you away. Or admit a weakness.

 

Not saying he didn't say it, I'm just interested in the context cause again I find it strange.

 

I agree with Wiseman and also thisisrichey. He sounds more like an insecure, anxious awkward guy who has no clue what he's doing and may be following some advice he's read that say women like to be dominated and other such advice.

 

I've read it myself so know it exists.

 

Problem is, he's clueless so it comes across awkward, and yes does make him appear like a controller and an a-hole.

 

I dunno, I wasn't there, don't know him and only hearing your side, which does sound a bit scewed imo, and may be caused by trust issues (which you admitted) or paranoia as Wisemsn suggested.

 

In any event, yeah you did the right thing by ending it.

 

Most of this thread is you trashing him, nothing positive at all, you don't like him, you are not comfortable with him so for those reasons, you did the right thing.

 

As for him being a controller, honestly I have no idea. I don't know him and only hearing your side of things, which again may be tainted by trust issues or other issues. Possibly.

That's not true. I really liked him, he seemed nice, calm, a bit awkward guy and really respectful, we had a lot in common, chemistry and great talks. He was just very into me and among the others texting me a lot. I was answering in slow manner he asked why is that. I said I want to slow things down, he was okay with that. I asked him, if that's because he likes the control, he said it was emotional but for him emotions and control tend to mix. I said if he can let go, he said that yes if he trusts someone. I didn't discuss if further. His father seems controlling, he chose what his son should study, even though he wanted to study something else.

[katrina1980]

That's not true. I really liked him, he seemed nice, calm, a bit awkward guy and really respectful, we had a lot in common, chemistry and great talks. He was just very into me and among the others texting me a lot. I was answering in slow manner he asked why is that. I said I want to slow things down, he was okay with that. I asked him, if that's because he likes the control, he said it was emotional but for him emotions and control tend to mix. I said if he can let go, he said that yes if he trusts someone. I didn't discuss if further. His father seems controlling, he chose what his son should study, even though he wanted to study something else.

 

So from this^ you concluded he's a control freak and potential abuser? And ended it.

 

Wow, ok. I have no more words, but good luck.

[reinventmyself]

. I asked him, if that's because he likes the control, he said it was emotional but for him emotions and control tend to mix. I said if he can let go, he said that yes if he trusts someone. I didn't discuss if further.

 

Don't fall for that. He's already set the expectation. That he will not be controlling IF he trusts you? His insecurity is his issue and not yours to manage.

 

I dated someone like this and fell for it. I kept acquiescing to sooth his insecurities. I updated him about my whereabouts, who I spoke to along the way, etc. . all in the name of winning his trust. But what happened is he kept moving the goal posts.

 

The further in you get, the more attached you become and before you know it you are walking on egg shells so as to not upset his insecurities.

 

He'd get upset over if I didn't answer my phone fast enough and my time with my friends.

When you accommodate to his wishes, you have just rewarded him for it.

 

It became a nightmare and we operated in this way for as long as I could stand it because `if I loved him I would help him feel secure' Sounds innocent enough, right?

 

But it's not. If he's anything like my ex, he uses his insecurity like some sort of disability and expects special treatment for it.

That's what therapy is for. If he has control and trust issues, he's not date-able. Not IMO

[Karen1992]

Karen I think you did the right thing only because it's become quite clear you just do not like him.

 

And that's okay, you don't even need a reason, or excuse to justify it.

 

I'm wondering though, in what context did he tell you he was controlling?

 

I find this odd, as true controllers/abusers do not typically openly admit this, to the contrary, they go out of their way in the beginning to pull you in, get you to trust them.

 

NOT say things that might potentially push you away. Or admit a weakness.

 

Not saying he didn't say it, I'm just interested in the context cause again I find it strange.

 

I agree with Wiseman and also thisisrichey. He sounds more like an insecure, anxious awkward guy who has no clue what he's doing and may be following some advice he's read that say women like to be dominated and other such advice.

 

I've read it myself so know it exists.

 

Problem is, he's clueless so it comes across awkward, and yes does make him appear like a controller and an a-hole.

 

I dunno, I wasn't there, don't know him and only hearing your side, which does sound a bit scewed imo, and may be caused by trust issues (which you admitted) or paranoia as Wisemsn suggested.

 

In any event, yeah you did the right thing by ending it.

 

Most of this thread is you trashing him, nothing positive at all, you don't like him, you are not comfortable with him so for those reasons, you did the right thing.

 

As for him being a controller, honestly I have no idea. I don't know him and only hearing your side of things, which again may be tainted by trust issues or other issues. Possibly.

 

So from this^ you assume he's a control freak and potential abuser? And ended it.

 

Wow, ok. I have no more words, but good luck.

He said also that he's impulsive and I noticed that he is sensitive when it comes to critisism. You think these things are not enough?

[katrina1980]

Karen it does not matter what I think.

 

You're not comfortable and that's all that matters.

 

I also think there is a lot of projecting from others on this thread, which is par for the course, I do it too.

 

But this needs to be your decision, and yours only, from what you alone have experienced with him, and how comfortable or not comfortable you are with it.

[Boo1986]

 

I find this odd, as true controllers/abusers do not typically openly admit this, to the contrary, they go out of their way in the beginning to pull you in, get you to trust them.

 

NOT say things that might potentially push you away.

 

Possibly.

 

I have to disagree. My ex admitted at the start he has a problem with being to “clingy” which is another word for controlling in this sense. He said it was cuz he was cheated on so he was insecure. And of course I fell for it and actually felt sorry for him, it’s all a part of manipulation tactic. No one should check up on your location, where you work, where you go shopping, where you go to the gym that’s messed up!

[goddess]

"he said he has a problem with being controlling and sometimes act before think' - to me, that is a red flag. He is stalking you and is being too possessive. Sounds freaky. I understand that he he not experienced and insecure but why subject yourself to this behaviour so early on? I would definitely suggest leaving before you get yourself in too deep.

[Karen1992]

Karen I think you did the right thing only because it's become quite clear you just do not like him.

 

And that's okay, you don't even need a reason, or excuse to justify it.

 

I'm wondering though, in what context did he tell you he was controlling?

 

I find this odd, as true controllers/abusers do not typically openly admit this, to the contrary, they go out of their way in the beginning to pull you in, get you to trust them.

 

NOT say things that might potentially push you away. Or admit a weakness.

 

Not saying he didn't say it, I'm just interested in the context cause again I find it strange.

 

I agree with Wiseman and also thisisrichey. He sounds more like an insecure, anxious awkward guy who has no clue what he's doing and may be following some advice he's read that say women like to be dominated and other such advice.

 

I've read it myself so know it exists.

 

Problem is, he's clueless so it comes across awkward, and yes does make him appear like a controller and an a-hole.

 

I dunno, I wasn't there, don't know him and only hearing your side, which does sound a bit scewed imo, and may be caused by trust issues (which you admitted) or paranoia as Wisemsn suggested.

 

In any event, yeah you did the right thing by ending it.

 

Most of this thread is you trashing him, nothing positive at all, you don't like him, you are not comfortable with him so for those reasons, you did the right thing.

 

As for him being a controller, honestly I have no idea. I don't know him and only hearing your side of things, which again may be tainted by trust issues or other issues. Possibly.

 

to me... this just sounds like a highly inexperienced dater who hasn't gotten out much and thus just doesn't know what to do. the only things he knows is probably what he's seen on tv and the movies and/or all the thigns women "complain" about openly about men and thus wants to make sure he's doing what women complain they want out of men.

 

He is definitely insecure. but most inexperienced daters ARE insecure! Know that insecurity does potentially always mean abuse/control can ultimately happen. But really what we need to look at is the motivation, where the control and insecurity are coming from. How is it manifesting?

 

but to me it doesn't sound like it's coming from a malicious place.. just a highly inexperienced place. Even so, it means this one will be a challenge - constant effort into training him to NOT be insecure, to NOT be controlling, and to NOT do all those creep ythings - and still always hav a chance he IS creepy.

 

If it were me... i would let him know that people that end up liking and loving each other - DON'T mistrust, control, or keep tabs or do obssessive things towards that person (like looking up their schedules, gyms, where they work, keep tabs on them, need tok now where they are and what they're doing ALL the time). Loving people are able to let each other go and be their own person knowing that person is always going to come back to them and wants to. if a person CAN'T let go, CAN'T let that person do their own separate thing - then what they have for that person is NOT love- but obssession. And obssession is never healthy, nor is it love.

 

So.. if he insists on OBSSESSING about you (which is what he's doing now) - then this can not continue because you are not looking to be obssessd over. You are looking for somebody that cares and loves you. And a caring/loving person wouldnt' obssess over you as he is doing now.

 

Then leave the rest to him. let him show one way or the other if he cares, or is just obssessed. Obssessors can not hide their obssessions. Caring people can always show they care.

 

Good luck.

I am not sure what to think. Once he told me he probably has OCD (e.g. checking locks multiple times), so perhaps his controlling behavour may be of the same reason. He never went to the doctor though. I also think that him begin fixated on my may be part of that. I am not a psychologist though so I don't know.

[katrina1980]

Karen, fwiw, I do get why you think he's controlling.

 

As richey said and I agree, he sounds very insecure and controlling men (and women) do tend to be very insecure, but remember too, not all insecure men are controlling.

 

And he admitted he has trust issues, as do you; yours manifest in different ways.

 

I dunno, while I understand where you're coming from, what I see are two people (you and him) having an honest and open conversation, he made himself vulnerable to you by disclosing a weakness, that he has some trust issues, some insecurities and controlling tendencies -- until trust is developed.

 

And in response, you essentially shut him down and used his insecurity and vulnerability against him, dumping him.

 

And women wonder why men remain so closed, refusing to share important information/insecurities/weaknesses and not allowing themselves to feel or express vulnerability.

 

As I said earlier, virtually every man I have dated has tried to control me in some form or fashion.

 

It doesn't bother me, why? Because I just don't allow him to control me!

 

I'm not a bytch about it, quite the opposite actually. I simply show him through my actions (and words) in my own feminine way that such controlling behaviour isn't gonna work with me! Period end of.

 

The "good" guys get it and back off. And we have gone on to have a long term relationship.

 

The others? Either I dump them or they dump me when they realize they can't control me.

 

What struck me about your guy is when you told him he was moving too fast, he respected that and slowed things down..

 

Same exact thing happened with my ex, he came on like gangbusters, it freaked me out. I told him he was moving way too fast so he dialed it back and all was cool.

 

JMO but I think you should take him up on his offer and talk to him.

 

Give it a chance. Spend time and allow trust to develop on both sides.

 

If he continues to exhibit the same controlling behaviours, then dump him.

 

I know others disagree based on their experiences with controlling men.

 

I respect that and believe you should take it into consideration, just don't base your decision solely on that.

 

Judge for yourself based on your experiences with your guy. Always keeping eyes and ears open and staying strong!

 

Again, jmo and good luck whatever you decide. :)