Done with spouses son

[IAmFCA]

Exactly why I'd bypass the wife to deal directly with the son. I'd put the incentive of an expensive subsidy on the table that expires. I'd offer to help son find a place, pay security and first month, then gradually reduce my subsidy each month, and even offer some pot, pans, linens--whatever, and the opportunity to visit and do his laundry at my place weekly. The offer not only expires in x weeks, but eviction will follow if the offer is not accepted and used.

 

It's a win/win OR a win/lose: son gets to pick.

 

Wife's opinion on the matter would be irrelevant when dealing with another adult.

 

You are right - especially of OP can approach this without conflict.

 

I think putting terms in writing is important.

[abitbroken]

Exactly why I'd bypass the wife to deal directly with the son. I'd put the incentive of an expensive subsidy on the table that expires. I'd offer to help son find a place, pay security and first month, then gradually reduce my subsidy each month, and even offer some pot, pans, linens--whatever, and the opportunity to visit and do his laundry at my place weekly. The offer not only expires in x weeks, but eviction will follow if the offer is not accepted and used.

 

It's a win/win OR a win/lose: son gets to pick.

 

Wife's opinion on the matter would be irrelevant when dealing with another adult.

 

This will work if his wife doesn't undermine him yet again.

In some ways, i think he should tell her he is going to deal with the stepson directly to take the burden off of her

but in another way, i think he should not because she is just going to undermine him.

The other possible is if he doesn't tell the wife what he is planning, son will cry to mommy about it and the wife will be pitted against the OP.

I guess there is no way to really win.

But maybe there should be consequences if she interfers - such as she understands and is clear about the fact that the timeline moves up if she meddles with it

[reinventmyself]

Even if I am in the wrong and I am coddling my man child. .

if my husband bypassed me and did something like this, it would be the equivalent to lighting a powder keg under our marriage.

 

I agree something needs to be done but a unilateral move like this isn't advised. . IMO

 

Unless he doesn't want to stay married, then that's another thing.

[itsallgrand]

Even if I am in the wrong and I am coddling my man child. .

if my husband bypassed me and did something like this, it would be the equivalent to lighting a powder keg under our marriage.

 

I agree something needs to be done but a unilateral move like this isn't advised. . IMO

 

Unless he doesn't want to stay married, then that's another thing.

 

Interesting. I think the wife ignoring her husbands needs and bypassing him has already lit the powder keg and put the marriage at risk. It's like a giant f you. In his own home, where he's currently paying for all of them, he is told he gets no say.

 

The problem isn't the son. It's that the wife doesn't respect him.

[reinventmyself]

Interesting. I think the wife ignoring her husbands needs and bypassing him has already lit the powder keg and put the marriage at risk. It's like a giant f you. In his own home, where he's currently paying for all of them, he is told he gets no say.

 

The problem isn't the son. It's that the wife doesn't respect him.

 

agreed.

She is making the passive aggressive moves. Stonewalling him, disrespecting him.

But there probably won't be any coming back from a unilateral move like this on his part.

I just think there are some things that haven't been covered between now and this type of final blow.

[jimthzz]

I stayed up half the night the other night, thinking - or maybe stewing about this. It's where I came up with the deadline. April 30, money for first months rent on the positive side. On the stern side, let him know the locks get changed on May 1, ready or not.

The wife doesn't agree.

 

As far as counseling, it carries a big negative connotation for my wife as well as me. We both had spouses that did not respond to counseling and ultimately led to our divorces.

 

That is a reasonable approach. Fair warning and a hard stop.

 

If your wife is so concerned about the grown son, then if real estate has been slow she can spend the time carting him around to job interviews.

 

Stick to your plan.

 

OK, adding a little more.

 

It's time to give this man child a lesson on what it means to be a man--your wife too.

 

I agree about bypassing the wife's decision on this. She already bypassed your wishes. In a marriage, a spouses's needs come first. Not a grown child that she did not raise properly to be independent.

 

You need to have a man-to-man chat with your stepson without your wife present. Drive to a park, take a walk in the woods, something.

 

And be candid, on point, and not argumentative with him.

 

And give him a written agreement to sign--or not.

 

Do not be a hostage to the threat of divorce from your wife.

 

People say to be careful when you pick your battles.

 

This is one I would pick.

 

I would also say that you're helping your wife by doing this. She has no courage to do what is right because she fears for her "baby."

[itsallgrand]

agreed.

She is making the passive aggressive moves. Stonewalling him, disrespecting him.

But there probably won't be any coming back from a unilateral move like this on his part.

I just think there are some things that haven't been covered between now and this type of final blow.

 

You're right. And I wish him the best.

I was thinking his wife being out of work, and instead of hustling to cover some costs of her own and the sons, may have pushed OP over the edge. The son has been living there years beyond the agreement. OP obviously has been ok with wanting to help the son.

[Seraphim]

THIS is a hill to die on for sure. Paying for other people’s adult able bodied children, um , HELL NO!

[SherrySher]

Would your wife and step son be open to family counselling?

Would you be open to getting your own in order to learn how to cope and be accepting of the situation?

 

If the answer to either of those questions is "no" then see that lawyer and get your affairs in order for a separation of assets and emotions.

 

If the son has anxiety issues (which by the sounds of it, he does), he needs to be getting proper help. Your wife needs help with her past and to stop allowing her past to dictate this current situation.

 

I personally feel that unless they both agree to counselling, asap and get proper help. this situation has no chance of changing or getting better.

 

The only other choice you would then have left, is to start looking at steps towards separation.

[abitbroken]

I get the whole "this is not his kid so he should not have say" but this is his household. His stepkids are not allowed to steamroll him or abuse the resources of the household.

 

There are situations where the influence of a stepparent who was loving but very firm as far as structure and rules was a saving grace to a child -- where their non custodial parent was abusive or both bio parents were very lax.

 

If his parents were not able to reach him, its time for stepdad to step in.

 

Unless there is any possibility the son's father will step up here in the situation and deal with him with the boy's mother OR as a three way united front.

 

 

If the son has anxiety issues (which by the sounds of it, he does), he needs to be getting proper help. Your wife needs help with her past and to stop allowing her past to dictate this current situation.

 

I personally feel that unless they both agree to counselling, asap and get proper help. this situation has no chance of changing or getting better.

 

The only other choice you would then have left, is to start looking at steps towards separation.

 

If the only problem was the anxiety and the wife was united front - the son would not only be getting help but would still be moving out at some point with the mother not coddling but maybe talking through "okay, if you feel anxious, what coping mechanisms can you use"> honestly, there was some anxiety of mine that was helped by just showing up. I was so anxious about doing something that i was paralyzed with anxiety, but once i was there, i was fine -- so i had to push myself to walk in the door. And that's how i helped myself.

[IAmFCA]

This will work if his wife doesn't undermine him yet again.

In some ways, i think he should tell her he is going to deal with the stepson directly to take the burden off of her

but in another way, i think he should not because she is just going to undermine him.

The other possible is if he doesn't tell the wife what he is planning, son will cry to mommy about it and the wife will be pitted against the OP.

I guess there is no way to really win.

But maybe there should be consequences if she interfers - such as she understands and is clear about the fact that the timeline moves up if she meddles with it

 

That's why I said "without conflict" because the son can so easily divide them.

 

OP why doesn't the wife agree? Does changing the locks seem too harsh?

[abitbroken]

If he refuses to work and mom refuses to kick him out, what about telling your wife that she has to quit real estate if its not paying and get an hourly job with a regular paycheck to support sonny boy because you are no longer doing it and you are done.

 

That's why I said "without conflict" because the son can so easily divide them.

 

OP why doesn't the wife agree? Does changing the locks seem too harsh?

 

His words:

 

ny time I bring my feelings of frustration with my wife she gets upset, doesn't want to talk about it, and reminds me that her parent kicked her out when she was 19, and she vowed never to do that to her kids.

 

Because she was kicked out at 19, she won't kick out her son who is in his late 20s and sponging off mom and stepdad (really stepdad because he is the only one with an income)- even though he has already moved out before. It sounds like the OP would be okay if the son was actually contributing financially or had some plan. He should not be expected to support three adults on his income.

[abitbroken]

Where is his biological father in all of this?

[IAmFCA]

coming full circle... i think his moves with the son no matter how skillful, and appropriate, may effectively end the marriage. Unless the OP can get the son out while pulling him closer emotionally.

 

The wife has made her position clear. The source of her stance is a deep "childhood" pain that she is inappropriately projecting onto her son. Therefore OP's actions to get the son to move out will be perceived as the OP inflicting childhood pain on to her son. That would feel like a violation of trust and of her protective shield as a mother. The pain is so basic within her that it triggers a mama bear type reaction. Wife is stuck there when she really needs a psychoanalyst to reframe her relationship with her father for her.

 

Viewed through this Freudian lens, wife chose to marry someone who would repeat her father's act of rejection, so that she can break through her singular understanding of that experience. Except she remains stuck.

 

The marriage is stuck on this point. OP needs to take action and he needs to execute in a way that the son sees as supportive, not punitive. From that foundation, OP teaches wife about letting go and remaining lovingly attached - as likely was her father's intention.

[Pattie157]

Any updates on what's been happening??? My brother is currently going thru the exact same situation with his wife and 29 year old step son!

[ChellyV]

I am going through the exact same thing. In the end, my husband of 5 years but together for 9, chose to be apart. I AM STRANGELY RELIEVED! It has caused years and years of bickering, of fault finding, of endless blame, until suddenly love flied out of the window. By the time it happened, I was ready to move on. I admit I am quite sad that I am in this situation nearing my 50's, but I will have to keep myself think positively with my circumstances. I was full of hatred towards my stepson, I was no longer healthy. I got past it, I can be polite now, but not going back to that situation again. Some parents just need to propel their kids to independence.