Boundaries / controlling - what’s accepting with opposite sex friends

[Batya33]

Unless you work at McDonald's, you may have to socialize with both genders of coworkers and that can include lunch, drinks, power walks whatever. It is not about "thin and pretty coworkers" it's about paranoid insecurity. He is most likely already considering her demand that he "no longer see or speak to her" and planning his exit. Who dictates what coworkers you "can see or speak to"? Insane.

 

I don't like that he didn't share with her how regularly and routinely he was spending time with her. It's odd at the very least.

[Lucysm]

I know what you are saying wiseman and I completely agree. I don’t want to hold him prisoner. They don’t work together, they are in different teams but the same building. They met during a staff training and went out in a group for lunch. Then went out from there on together on their own, organising the walks via their organisation private messaging system. My gut tells me he has/had feelings for her but he at this stage didn’t think he was doing anything wrong as nothing physical had happened. What am I supposed to do? We broke up for a few days over this because of the lying. How can the relationship work if their friendship continues as it is? I wouldn’t have asked him to stop seeing her had he been upfront about it, but I would have been privately insecure and anxious. He told me he wants to be with me not her and wants our relationship to work but I just don’t see how it can work if he maintains this particular friendship. If he resents me down the line for the loss of friendship with her and ends it that is the risk I have to take. Moving forward I want him to feel able to be upfront with me and me to not feel worried.

[Wiseman2]

How long have you been dating? That is sad, it's you who is imposing this gloom as if he's cheating. As you mentioned, nothing would have helped unless she were "fat, old and ugly". Even if he told you, you would be mad. No amount of honesty, reassurance or transparency will help you. Do you think he wants to chronically reassure you that the only females he speaks with fit your "fat ugly old" requirements?

 

It sounds like you've been cheated on before and haven't dealt with it so are hyper vigilant to the point of "forbidding" him to talk to or interact with attractive coworkers. Even though he's not cheating you have given him an ultimatum.

They met during a staff training He told me he wants to be with me not her and wants our relationship to work but I just don’t see how it can work if he maintains this particular friendship.

[Lucysm]

We have been together nearly a decade and have never had anything like this happen before. I was cheated on during my teens but I remember being insecure about my teenage boyfriend female friendships before I discovered anything untoward. This is just i me. As I said though I would *not* have imposed anything had he been upfront. He has other attractive colleagues that he interacts with but he has never had any 1:1 walks with them (not because of me, he just simply hasn’t bonded with them like that). How would you suggest I move forward now? Both in terms of personally with my issues and in terms of this relationship?

[Wiseman2]

Do you live together? How is the rest of your relationship? He has never cheated before, why would you think this situation presents a slippery slope? What's really happening in the relationship that you feel this is a threat?

We have been together nearly a decade. I was cheated on during my teens but I remember being insecure about my teenage boyfriend female friendships before I discovered anything untoward.

[Lucysm]

Do you live together? How is the rest of your relationship? He has never cheated before, why would you think this situation presents a slippery slope? What's really happening in the relationship that you feel this is a threat?

 

Yes lived together three years, mortgage for 1 year. The rest of our relationship has been good apart from some financial stress this year after buying our house. This situation I saw as a slippery slope because he kept her entire existence secret from me. He talks about his colleagues (mostly all female) all the time. He’s worked there three years, known this girl a couple of months and said he gets on better with her than anyone else yet never ever mentioned her name. Whether this is because he had feelings for her (in his words “I don’t think I have feelings for her”), or because he thought I would have been too jealous and caused confrontation, I will never know. Perhaps it’s both. What I need to know is how to move forward personally and in the relationship.

[Batya33]

What was your purpose in moving in together and combining finances?

[ThatwasThen]

I don't like that he didn't share with her how regularly and routinely he was spending time with her. It's odd at the very least.

 

He has some interest in her past platonic. He even as much as admitted it when he said "I don't think I have feelings for her." That is a soft "yes, I have feelings for her but I don't want to admit that to you or myself just yet."

 

Adding: Here is yet another sign that he has her on his mind past a simple friendship:

I found out as I noticed him searching for her a lot online

[reinventmyself]

I have male friends. I have handsome male friends. This has been a source of conflict in my past relationships.

 

I have a rule in situations like this.

 

If my partner has female friends, he needs to feel comfortable enough to introduce them to me (The opportunity may never happen, but he needs to ask himself if he's ok with the idea) After all, they are just friends, right?

 

I, in turn consider all my male friends ones that my bf can have access to and socialize with.

 

If there is anyone off limits in either of our worlds, then it's typically because there would be some awkwardness - and if you were honest and asked yourself what the awkwardness was about. .it's most likely due to some attraction, realized, addressed or not.

 

I stumbled across this in my marriage years ago. When my then husband met me, two of my best friends were guys. He wasn't sure how to deal with it, so I included him in things we did. Fast fwd, a couple years later these guys would come by the house when I wasn't home and hangout with my husband.

 

And I had to be honest with myself. I had those mystery male friends that were never going to meet my husband, so I distanced myself from them.

 

I still operate this way. It may not be for everyone, but this expectation works for me and I expect the same in return.

 

Can you meet this walking/lunching friend? If not, then why?

You will have your answer.

 

“I don’t think I have feelings for her”

[greendots]

If my partner has female friends, he needs to feel comfortable enough to introduce them to me (The opportunity may never happen, but he needs to ask himself if he's ok with the idea) After all, they are just friends, right?

 

I, in turn consider all my male friends ones that my bf can have access to and socialize with.

 

Totally agree with this, reinventmyself.

 

 

Lucysm, have you met this colleague?

[What87]

Yes it would be OK :-(

 

Interseting... I can see how it would be easier but for me for example it would not be OK either. Because it is not only about how the person in particular looks like. What would bother me is if they had or developed some sort of close relationship (you don't know what they talk about or what they share with each other and if it does not come to the point where he would feel more comfortable to talk to her about something he would not tell you...) So basically some kind of emotional cheating. Even if the person is not attractive. For me the thought of me not being the one he turns to would be the most bothering part.

P.S. I am in a situation where I deal with something similar...only in my situation they have known each other for years and there is or was an attraction and possibly even sexual history...

[Cherylyn]

For me, I wouldn't be fine if my husband were to go on walks and lunches with a co-worker of the opposite gender regardless of her marital status or appearance any time of week. I wouldn't mind group type settings for walks and lunches but not 1:1. That's just me and my husband. We have a certain code of conduct. Call it old-fashioned or whatever but that's just the way we are.

 

The line would be already crossed for me because if they start getting chummy, what am I here for? Chopped liver? I should be enough to confide to otherwise why remain married?

 

I trust my husband. It's a matter of respect. We have a mutual understanding not to behave a certain way even when no one is looking.

 

If you're uncomfortable with the way your partner is behaving, then be with a partner who believes in your same values and behaves the way you do. Alike minds are together.

[redswim30]

What am I supposed to do? We broke up for a few days over this because of the lying. How can the relationship work if their friendship continues as it is? I wouldn’t have asked him to stop seeing her had he been upfront about it, but I would have been privately insecure and anxious. He told me he wants to be with me not her and wants our relationship to work but I just don’t see how it can work if he maintains this particular friendship. If he resents me down the line for the loss of friendship with her and ends it that is the risk I have to take. Moving forward I want him to feel able to be upfront with me and me to not feel worried.

 

I'll make this VERY simple- Break up and never look back. You simply don't trust him. Period. The rest is almost irrelevant.

 

You cannot control another person. I repeat- you cannot control another person. You SAY that you would have been fine if he was honest, but then you also say that you still would have "secretly" been anxious anyway. You say that you don't want to be controlling while at the same time asking how to control this situation. You two aren't being fully honest with each other. You two don't trust each other. He didn't trust you enough to tell you, and guess what? It's because he knew that you would be freaking out if he did tell, which you fully admit here. He knows you don't trust him enough to not just accept when he says they are just friends. How do you think you will BOTH maintain a relationship if neither of you can be fully honest or trusting of each other?

 

You cannot affair proof a relationship. If someone wants to cheat, they will cheat no matter what you say or do or how "good" a mate you are. If someone doesn't want to cheat, they won't- no matter what ANOTHER person may say or do. IMVHO, No one can ever be 100% certain their partner isn't cheating, unless you are with them 24/7. What it boils down to, do you trust them or not? And it really is that simple. Please understand you can't make him "feel" any way and he can't do anything to make YOU "not worry" if you don't trust him. Say he never speaks to this woman ever again. What if an even more attractive woman starts working there?

 

If you don't think you can ever trust him to be able to be around a beautiful woman and not cheat on you, you should just break up now. If you do decide you want to trust him, you'll have to dig deep and learn to let things go and choose to believe him. You want honesty from him, then you'll need to be honest back. If you find you can't believe him and you think he's lying to you, why stay in this relationship? You have to be able to trust one another. If you really can't- end it.

[nutbrownhare]

She was new and they first met in November and it had been happening since then. I found out as I noticed him searching for her a lot online so I eventually asked him who she was. However, even if he had been upfront with me I wouldn’t have liked the situation and he claims that is the reason why he never told me.

 

The fact that he was searching for her a lot online, and was trying to hide the 'friendship' from you - albeit by omission - is a cause for concern.

 

I agree with the others on here that just going for lunch a couple of times a week with a colleague is nothing to worry about. Heck, I've worked with guys where we went for lunch together every day, and I'd no sooner have had any kind of affair with them than fly to the moon. I also introduced them to my partner, talked about them the way I would about any other friend and that really WAS a non-issue.

 

The difference here is that it is an emotionally intimate relationship which is being conducted behind your back, where he is trying to hide it from you, and then trying to put the responsibility for his secrecy back onto you. As you say, he has no problem talking about the women around him where the relationship genuinely is innocent.

 

You have a choice... either acknowledge that this situation is not working for you, have a civilised discussion with him and move on; OR stay in this relationship, continuously eating your heart out and watching your self esteem go down the pan. I get that you want to trust him and relax about this situation, but to do so would be to dismiss your own value system. The emotions you describe are a pretty fair indication that your boundaries are being violated, and trying to rationalise them away will not work - any more than trying to change his behaviour would.

 

You're the only one on here who knows how big a deal this is, and its importance in the context of the relationship as a whole, but it sounds as though you need to make a decision for yourself here.