Should I make a visit to his home, like a "ghostbuster"?

[Batya33]

Good points.

 

Yes, I agree, great points.

[Summer065]

Yes, have met and spent time with his family and mine, talked of marriage, had keys to each other's homes (which he still has). I would think they would have called me. If you've read my original post, his temper tantrums over something trivial and disappearing, not speaking for days is his usual MO until I reach out to him and then things go back to normal until the next flare up. This time, (after I reached out to him of course on New Year's Day), his words were 'I still love you and still want this relationship. I will call you tomorrow' and never did. So that's why it's just a little strange and I would feel weird contacting them if he was too much of a jerk to just say bye. He could have, at that point said - let's just move on, but the lie and vanishing act well - it's a new low. But, I guess I've spent enough time worrying about it. It's time for me to try and move on I suppose.

[figureitout23]

No, not 'I suppose summer', you definitely need to move on. Like I said in your last post this is abusive.

 

I realize it is possibly coming off as judgement but I was asking simply to understand, I knew of your previous post:

 

It's been almost 2 weeks since my boyfriend of almost 4 years disappeared into thin air. We had what I believed was a good relationship, talked about marriage, but when we had disagreements, he would get angry and not speak to me for days on end. This happened on several occasions, if I said something he did not like, he would storm out and usually, 4-5 days later, I would end up calling him, and we would work through it. His usual response was that this is just the way he is and it's hard for him to change. I would find myself telling him how much it hurt and yet, it still happened about every six months. The last time was around the holidays. He was dealing with a recent death in the family. About a month later got upset over something I said that was totally unrelated and stopped speaking to me. I told him I could not do this anymore. I missed him and called him on New Year's Day. He told me he still loved me, and still wanted things to work, he still wanted the relationship and would call me the next day to talk about how we could go forward. I never heard from him.

 

This isn't normal behavior, what Im not understanding is if this was a full blown in person relationship and not online or FWB how did you stay on this roller coaster for 4 years? How are you not at least socially attached to his friends or family or SOMEBODY, Summer after the amount of time, its just not adding up, not saying youre lying, saying youve accepted some shady crap and hes hiding SOMETHING. What? I dont know, just none of this is adding up.

[ThatwasThen]

I wish it were that easy but he is not on any social media. This is why I've been a googling maniac.

 

Where did you meet him?

[katrina1980]

Yeah, as I suspected he has a history of this (see my last post).

 

Which explains why you didn't pick up the phone and ask his parents if they'd heard from him as any woman who loved and cared about her partner (and in a committed relationship with for many years) would do if he suddenly went missing after promising he would call her next day.

 

Which now begs the question, why have you been tolerating/accepting this bull crap from him?

 

Even fostering/rewarding it by chasing after him whenever he pulls this crap? Giving him even more love and attention!

 

You should have nexted him after the first time. Done, bye!

 

I'm glad you didn't this time, but nevertheless this is the question you should be asking yourself, forget him!

[katrina1980]

I'm with FIO, have you met in person?

 

If so, how often did you see him and spend time?

 

Something's not jiving.

[Summer065]

We met online years ago and spent time together every weekend - either on dates, going places, my home or his. He cooked for me, did yard work. Often during the week. Spent weekends together and yes, I met his friends and know where he works. When he was not doing these exits and promising to change, we had a good relationship and that is probably the only reason why I kept going back. I was with him and his family when they lost his Dad and at the funeral with the family. He was generous with gifts, flowers, affection, the whole thing. So, I am not sure why you say something is not jiving.

[Summer065]

Yeah..shady is right. I have been to his home and he to mine. But what on earth could it be. Maybe now it's clear why I was tempted to show up at his house just to clear my mind. Not to harass or pick a fight but confirm: (a) he's alive and a jerk or (b) with someone and a jerk) and © it will make sense and I can move on.

[ThatwasThen]

Yeah..shady is right. I have been to his home and he to mine. But what on earth could it be. Maybe now it's clear why I was tempted to show up at his house just to clear my mind. Not to harass or pick a fight but confirm: (a) he's alive and a jerk or (b) with someone and a jerk) and © it will make sense and I can move on.

 

The fact that he would be so insensitive, so disgustingly rude, so indifferent to you as to completely disappear without a word should be enough for you to move on and close that door to him for good. Pretend he's dead if it will get you there.

[boltnrun]

How do you imagine this visit going in your mind?

[figureitout23]

We met online years ago and spent time together every weekend - either on dates, going places, my home or his. He cooked for me, did yard work. Often during the week. Spent weekends together and yes, I met his friends and know where he works. When he was not doing these exits and promising to change, we had a good relationship and that is probably the only reason why I kept going back. I was with him and his family when they lost his Dad and at the funeral with the family. He was generous with gifts, flowers, affection, the whole thing. So, I am not sure why you say something is not jiving.

 

Because under normal circumstances a partner of 4 years doesn't simply disappear and have their partner afraid to figure out where they are. Like Kat said, its telling, its as if you know hes ok and that there's something fishy going on. My moneys on hes got a secret family or this is an online type relationship, disappearing is common in these situations, full blown in person relationships not so much, not sustainably at least. The affects it would have on your mental health alone...

 

Million Dollar question: you said every time it would be 4 and 5 days at a time, what did you do the first time he pulled this crap? Did you call the cops? Contact his family or were you both playing a cat and mouse game and you broke first? Serious question.

 

I don't think anyone's blaming you summer, simply pointing out how incredibly odd all this is. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

[katrina1980]

The fact that he would be so insensitive, so disgustingly rude, so indifferent to you as to completely disappear without a word should be enough for you to move on and close that door to him for good. Pretend he's dead if it will get you there.

 

Amen and the fact you kept rewarding this shyt behavior by chasing him down each time -- no wonder he felt entitled to continue doing it.

 

We teach people how to treat us.

 

That doesn't excuse it, only explains it.

 

You actually fostered and encouraged the very behavior you are complaining about!

 

I hope this is the last time and you are done for good and do not go chasing him down once again.

 

You know he's ok, you know it! It's been a month, someone would have contacted you by now.

[katrina1980]

Exactly FiO, I know it's difficult understanding my posts sometimes, but you got it! :)

[Summer065]

I appreciate all of your posts and everyone is so right - I have put up with a lot. When looking at it from other's perspective - it drives it home! This will be hard, but you are all right - yes, he did it frequently, with an excuse off "he couldn't help how he was" and I bought it; believing I was being an understanding girlfriend. But, to do this to someone they claimed to love - vanishing without so much as a finger? That's a special kind of cruel that I just did not see coming. It will take some time, but I am focusing on me and why it took me so long to wake up.

[audrey28]

There is a book I read a while back that may hit home for you: Women Who Love Too Much.

 

You can get through this, Summer! Think of this as dodging a bullet in the long run. Your future is bright even if getting there feels difficult right now. You deserve better than this.

[catfeeder]

I appreciate all of your posts and everyone is so right - I have put up with a lot. When looking at it from other's perspective - it drives it home! This will be hard, but you are all right - yes, he did it frequently, with an excuse off "he couldn't help how he was" and I bought it; believing I was being an understanding girlfriend. But, to do this to someone they claimed to love - vanishing without so much as a finger? That's a special kind of cruel that I just did not see coming. It will take some time, but I am focusing on me and why it took me so long to wake up.

 

Glad you're waking up. You've embedded yourself in normalizing what is not normal and not even remotely tolerable for self respecting people. Consider yourself self-respecting NOW.

 

Typical dating odds are that most people are NOT our match. So bending over backwards to cater to mistreatment will NEVER build the kind of resilience we all need in order to date reasonable and normal people. Maybe you've feared being alone, but that fear has hindered you from learning the stuff we all need to learn in order to build a solid foundation of 'Self'. Getting comfortable in that place is how we can build our own social and career lives that fortify us while we seek (or don't) an equal partner with whom to build a HEALTHY future partnership.

 

You've spent the last 4 years playing social worker to someone's temper tantrums rather than learning how to stand on your own two feet. Once you can gain some comfort solo, all potential partnerships must meet the criteria YOU will build in order to add value to an already full life. Anyone who falls short of that gets the gentle news that you're not in the market for what he offers, but you wish him well.

 

And that's that, until you strike simpatico with someone who owns the right lens to see you and appreciate your unique value. This will not be everyone, and so learning to reject and be rejected is a natural part of growth and maturity.

 

The guy is obviously done, and given that he doesn't own the backbone to discuss it, you'd do well to consider exactly what you'd expect to gain by stalking him down for a confrontation. He's not made of the stuff for a reasonable relationship, and rather than entrap yourself in an unnecessary belief that he 'should' be otherwise, why not simply reconcile with yourself that you've been catering to someone who is less than capable of giving you what you deserve?

 

It may take some time to work this through, and you may want to consider working with a professional to help you normalize into your own private growth away from this stunted man. Meanwhile, consider his behavior a reflection on HIM, not you, and recognize your choice to move beyond him as healthy growth and development that you've been denying yourself for 4 years.

 

Head high.

[ThatwasThen]

*Edited*

 

It will take some time, but I am focusing on me and why it took me so long to wake up.

Awesome!

[Annia]

I appreciate all of your posts and everyone is so right - I have put up with a lot. When looking at it from other's perspective - it drives it home! This will be hard, but you are all right - yes, he did it frequently, with an excuse off "he couldn't help how he was" and I bought it; believing I was being an understanding girlfriend. But, to do this to someone they claimed to love - vanishing without so much as a finger? That's a special kind of cruel that I just did not see coming. It will take some time, but I am focusing on me and why it took me so long to wake up.

 

If he can't help being an insensitive jerk who disappears when things get tough, then he's not the right person for you (or for anyone who wants to have a healthy relationship). The fact that he never took responsibility for his actions and pulled the manipulative disappearing act should be enough to so that when you're feeling better you thank god this guy disappeared and didn't try to keep you in his life. Don't chase, don't text, don't show up at his house, no nothing. Don't give him that power.

[Wiseman2]

Were these disappearing acts a recurrent thing? Was the relationship on/off? What kind of changes was he promising?

When he was not doing these exits and promising to change, we had a good relationship and that is probably the only reason why I kept going back.

[Starlight925]

I was ghosted after a "perfect" 2 1/2 year relationship. We spent every weekend together, met each other's families, the whole deal. It was, I thought, the best relationship we ever had. We never argued, we had great sex, we could spend hours together.

 

He went home one night, and didn't call me....day after day, I waited, as that was our pattern. Like your situation, he'd do these little disappearing acts, but he'd always come around. 2 weeks later, I emailed him, and he came and got his stuff. No explanation, just....nothing.

 

He was back on dating sites within weeks, with me cut out of a picture of us. He is now married to someone else (yes, I've checked).

 

The only "answer", or "closure", is that he obviously didn't want to be with me. Does he do the disappearing acts with his new wife? Probably, because that's how a person like that deals. Like you, I wanted answers so badly, but sometimes, there are none.

[Batya33]

I was ghosted after a "perfect" 2 1/2 year relationship. We spent every weekend together, met each other's families, the whole deal. It was, I thought, the best relationship we ever had. We never argued, we had great sex, we could spend hours together.

 

He went home one night, and didn't call me....day after day, I waited, as that was our pattern. Like your situation, he'd do these little disappearing acts, but he'd always come around. 2 weeks later, I emailed him, and he came and got his stuff. No explanation, just....nothing.

 

He was back on dating sites within weeks, with me cut out of a picture of us. He is now married to someone else (yes, I've checked).

 

The only "answer", or "closure", is that he obviously didn't want to be with me. Does he do the disappearing acts with his new wife? Probably, because that's how a person like that deals. Like you, I wanted answers so badly, but sometimes, there are none.

 

I have to say I am so sorry you went through this! That is terrible. I think about how it felt to be "ghosted" by two good friends in the last few years -and I can only imagine how that feels with a romantic relationship like yours!

[Annia]

I was ghosted after a "perfect" 2 1/2 year relationship. We spent every weekend together, met each other's families, the whole deal. It was, I thought, the best relationship we ever had. We never argued, we had great sex, we could spend hours together.

 

He went home one night, and didn't call me....day after day, I waited, as that was our pattern. Like your situation, he'd do these little disappearing acts, but he'd always come around. 2 weeks later, I emailed him, and he came and got his stuff. No explanation, just....nothing.

 

He was back on dating sites within weeks, with me cut out of a picture of us. He is now married to someone else (yes, I've checked).

 

The only "answer", or "closure", is that he obviously didn't want to be with me. Does he do the disappearing acts with his new wife? Probably, because that's how a person like that deals. Like you, I wanted answers so badly, but sometimes, there are none.

 

I'm so sorry for this. How can a person end a relationship like this is beyond me! Such a coward and selfish person he was!