lostlonely1607311076 Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 I am a housewife,i do not work since 3 years(since my marriage,we came to the conclusion i will not work in the beggining).Anyway my husband has started using this against me,just recently while i was discussing about a birthday gift for my father he says "so who did you ask to do that? its not like its your money,its mine" .Now,this was very low,even before he used to say i spend too much and i am not the breadwinner and i should know how to spend and try to get a job now,but to say i can not buy a gift for my father was the loest he could get.And i seriouslty consider a divorce now.am i overreacting? i have already looked up for a job now,and i will start working,but can i live with a man like this? how would you react? Link to comment
Normm Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 I'd tell him firmly, in no uncertain terms that from the moment you signed the marriage certificate his money became "our" money- that's the law whether he likes it or not. As far as divorce goes- it's probably going to happen eventually but now might be a bit premature if this is the only issue. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 Time. to get a job. You husband sounds like a controlling AZZ. Get yourself financially secure and your decision will be easier. Lastly, I would not put up with that crap! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 Time. to get a job. You husband sounds like a controlling AZZ. Get yourself financially secure and your decision will be easier. Lastly, I would not put up with that crap! Yes and do you have any savings of your own? Definitely not fair if he didn't want you to work to now make comments like this. Link to comment
melancholy123 Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 Time for you to get at least a part time job. Your husband sounds like a jerk. Only you know if you truly want a divorce. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 My ex husband told me he didn't want me to work. But he constantly held it against me, saying things like "You don't work so you have no say" and "You're so spoiled!" Even though I was home AT HIS INSISTANCE raising our two children. So, I got a job. He threw a fit but by that time I didn't care. Notice I wrote EX husband. Good idea to get a job. If he won't treat you with respect it's time to earn your own money so you have options. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 At this point I'd look for a job, and at the same time sock away as much money as you can. Unfortunately he's placing you at his mercy, which has no place in a marriage. I'm sorry you're in this situation, yet you have to place yourself ahead of his game and look out for your own well being. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 To be honest, the whole situation seems absurd to me. You voluntarily gave up exercising your right to economically provide for yourself. However, it still and always remains your responsibility. So to me, no matter what you mutually agreed upon as far as you not having to work, that's still on you. Sure, you can get mad and think him a jerk. And maybe he is. But you'll be able to see who he really is more clearly once you purge this expectation that you aren't as responsible as he is for meeting the families financial needs. Link to comment
j.man Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 Is there a child involved? What kind of gift are we talking? I actually disagree with many here. If he's actually telling you to find work, it doesn't sound like he's keen to hold you financially hostage. The pipedream may have been you play housewife, but that doesn't make it practical-- especially after three years. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 OP, why didn't you get a job? It has been 3 years. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 When you are married, it's a legally binding partnership contract. That means that all assets, income, responsibilities, debts etc are joint. There is no "his money, your money". Legally it is our money. Get to a bank and make sure you have access to all accounts, credit cards, etc. Talk to an attorney about your rights and get an accountant and financial planner to consult with both of you and set up a household budget including what money is for personal discretion. It's a control issue and abuse of power if you are begging for money or conversely, squandering money..Do not threaten divorce or argue or manipulate, privately and confidentially consult with an attorney to discuss your options and get appropriate advice. he says "so who did you ask to do that? its not like its your money,its mine" . i seriouslty consider a divorce now. Link to comment
Annia Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 Do you have kids? Do you have savings of your own? It's apparent that despite your agreement on you not working your husband resents you from having to support you. I can understand that, but I feel that his way of expressing it is disrespectful. If this is happening and he's not ok with supporting you have two options: leave the marriage if you don't want to work or get a job and contribute financially and accept that there was a change of plans. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 Do you have kids? Do you have savings of your own? It's apparent that despite your agreement on you not working your husband resents you from having to support you. I can understand that, but I feel that his way of expressing it is disrespectful. If this is happening and he's not ok with supporting you have two options: leave the marriage if you don't want to work or get a job and contribute financially and accept that there was a change of plans. I agree with this. Also it might be helpful to know why you agreed to this arrangement. Link to comment
lostlonely1607311076 Posted January 14, 2019 Author Share Posted January 14, 2019 I have a child,a 2 yearold son,most of the time i took care of him,it was not a plan of me staying home.It just happened like that,i got pregnant and we decided to look after a job once our son is 1 years old.I recently got a part time job so i am working now,will get my first salary this month. I can not see how his reaction can be ok? i just mentioned a normal gift i was planning to buy for my father,its not like i was planning to buy a car lol.His reactiom was deeply disrespectful,more because it was for my father who always bought both mr and him present and is always nice to him.I just hate him and he now sees he went too far but i am disgusted. Link to comment
lostlonely1607311076 Posted January 14, 2019 Author Share Posted January 14, 2019 Is there a child involved? What kind of gift are we talking? I actually disagree with many here. If he's actually telling you to find work, it doesn't sound like he's keen to hold you financially hostage. The pipedream may have been you play housewife, but that doesn't make it practical-- especially after three years. Yes i have a 2 year old son.I am not against working,i look for a job its all ok ,but you really find his reaction ok? is that the respect in a marriage? and now its not like i was looking for something extraordinary it was a normal gift.And this is not the first time he comments,he can say things like you should have no say its not like you earn the money(if i have a comment on something he does) Link to comment
DancingFool Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 Yes i have a 2 year old son.I am not against working,i look for a job its all ok ,but you really find his reaction ok? is that the respect in a marriage? and now its not like i was looking for something extraordinary it was a normal gift.And this is not the first time he comments,he can say things like you should have no say its not like you earn the money(if i have a comment on something he does) No, it's not OK and it is a control issue. Too many men use money to control their wives this way. "Oh honey, no don't work, stay home with the kids, it's cheaper and better for the family anyway given how costly daycare is, I'll provide." Then they turn on you in that you have no say, you have to beg for money from him, you are worthless, you aren't pulling your weight, as if taking care of everything else, the house, the children, etc. isn't a full time job on its own. The idea is to devalue and quite frankly, it's deeply culturally ingrained to only value $$$ and nothing else. As already suggested, next time he opens his mouth to you about how it's his money, you might want to remind him that it's our money. If you are already contemplating divorce, I'm guessing that your marriage has been unhappy for quite some time and there is more going on than just this one example. In the end, only you know just how fed up you are and whether it's worth working on things or whether you are done. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 I have a child,a 2 yearold son,most of the time i took care of him,it was not a plan of me staying home.It just happened like that,i got pregnant and we decided to look after a job once our son is 1 years old.I recently got a part time job so i am working now,will get my first salary this month. I can not see how his reaction can be ok? i just mentioned a normal gift i was planning to buy for my father,its not like i was planning to buy a car lol.His reactiom was deeply disrespectful,more because it was for my father who always bought both mr and him present and is always nice to him.I just hate him and he now sees he went too far but i am disgusted. If the agreement was one year, why didn't you hold up your end of the agreement? Link to comment
lostlonely1607311076 Posted January 14, 2019 Author Share Posted January 14, 2019 If the agreement was one year, why didn't you hold up your end of the agreement? maybe you can not find a job as soon as you look for one? seriously its not about the job,i have found one now,but its the disrespect Link to comment
Hollyj Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 I am assuming this that has been ongoing (disrespect)? Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 You have taken the first step by finding a job; this is important for a number of reasons. You're the only one here who really understands your situation - was his comment a one-off, or is it part of a regular pattern of using money to control you and disrespect you? Or did he expect you to find a job a year ago, as you had agreed, has now got resentful about paying for everything and made the comment out of exasperation? Do you discuss your finances and expenditure together, agree a plan which you stick to - or is it all left open, with him complaining about your expenditure but without stating what his priorities are? Or do you agree things together, and then you depart from your plan? You see, it's difficult to judge "what sort of man he is" from your original post. You are clearly very annoyed and upset about his comment, and that is not a good place to be starting a life-changing process like divorce. My advice to you is to start your job, reach an agreement with him as to what contribution you will be making to joint finances, and then decide together about childcare and other household issues. If you can sort all this out, then the question as to whether you divorce him or not will answer itself. Similarly, if he won't engage with it at all and responds by getting more controlling and abusive - you have your answer. But, ultimately, you are the only person who can really answer these questions. Link to comment
tattoobunnie Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 If he's never said anything like this before in 3 years, he is up to something. I would check his emails/phone/texts. If you are not ready for that, ask yourself if you've noticed any other changes in intimacy, his spending habits, new clothes, new exercise regimen, need to get fit, private conversations, hiding their phone, etc. Has his anger been more noticeable? I find if they are only bringing this up now, they are finding things to make you feel like crap to make you want to leave. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 I have a child,a 2 yearold son,most of the time i took care of him,it was not a plan of me staying home.It just happened like that,i got pregnant and we decided to look after a job once our son is 1 years old.I recently got a part time job so i am working now,will get my first salary this month. I can not see how his reaction can be ok? i just mentioned a normal gift i was planning to buy for my father,its not like i was planning to buy a car lol.His reactiom was deeply disrespectful,more because it was for my father who always bought both mr and him present and is always nice to him.I just hate him and he now sees he went too far but i am disgusted. So that gives more useful information. Taking care of your son is a job - especially because you'll have to pay for daycare if you work outside the home, right? I think he resents that you're not holding up your end of things - it's been more than a year and only recently you got a part time job. It is wrong of him to express it this way. Link to comment
j.man Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 maybe you can not find a job as soon as you look for one? seriously its not about the job,i have found one now,but its the disrespectI mean, with respect to you taking care of a kid, three years to get a job when the agreement was one is quite a grace period. Too many people around here abuse their unattached third party status to suggest running to a lawyer for divorce, particularly when there are some incredibly heavy and lifelong implications on a child's life involved. While a consult and being prepared of course never hurts, we're not talking a financial hostage who needs to jump ship when there was an agreement made-- quite a common one at that-- which had gone unfulfilled for double the duration of the agreement itself. The guy is obviously expressing his resentment in an unhealthy way, but it's difficult to jump to the conclusion he's Jafar only given the stated circumstances. Cover your bases, but mediation is something you two should be considering as well. You're likely talking a long time of pent-up resentment that generally is best left to a professional to help unpack. Link to comment
lostlonely1607311076 Posted January 14, 2019 Author Share Posted January 14, 2019 You have taken the first step by finding a job; this is important for a number of reasons. You're the only one here who really understands your situation - was his comment a one-off, or is it part of a regular pattern of using money to control you and disrespect you? Or did he expect you to find a job a year ago, as you had agreed, has now got resentful about paying for everything and made the comment out of exasperation? Do you discuss your finances and expenditure together, agree a plan which you stick to - or is it all left open, with him complaining about your expenditure but without stating what his priorities are? Or do you agree things together, and then you depart from your plan? You see, it's difficult to judge "what sort of man he is" from your original post. You are clearly very annoyed and upset about his comment, and that is not a good place to be starting a life-changing process like divorce. My advice to you is to start your job, reach an agreement with him as to what contribution you will be making to joint finances, and then decide together about childcare and other household issues. If you can sort all this out, then the question as to whether you divorce him or not will answer itself. Similarly, if he won't engage with it at all and responds by getting more controlling and abusive - you have your answer. But, ultimately, you are the only person who can really answer these questions. He makes these kind of comments as soon as we get into an argument or i say he should not do something he wants to do .We try to make a plan then it usually wont stay ,then he gets angry bcause our economy is not the way he would like it and blames it on me because i still do not work.I understand him but it is not like i didnt look for a job,and now i got one and still he came with this comment.And if it wasnt a birthday gift for my dad i would not get get this serious...i also told him,so you bought your mom multiple gifts and complain i buy to my father this one? he answered "i work you do not when you get sa job you can buy your parents whatever you want" :/ Link to comment
lostlonely1607311076 Posted January 14, 2019 Author Share Posted January 14, 2019 If he's never said anything like this before in 3 years, he is up to something. I would check his emails/phone/texts. If you are not ready for that, ask yourself if you've noticed any other changes in intimacy, his spending habits, new clothes, new exercise regimen, need to get fit, private conversations, hiding their phone, etc. Has his anger been more noticeable? I find if they are only bringing this up now, they are finding things to make you feel like crap to make you want to leave. I think not ,he is like this all the time.and now he feels bad i can see,he tries to make me feel good because he knows he went too far ,but i wont forgive him this time. Link to comment
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