Just had my first disaster date at 30 years old

[figureitout23]

Check out the way J Man did it..... he provided some criticisms towards me without making any off the wall assumptions, jumping to conclusions or putting words in my mouth in regards to things I didn't say or do.

 

 

What you think of her is for you personally. I don't really care...

If I wanted people to bash her I could've easily manipulated my initial posts by leaving out details that makes me look bad but I didn't do that did I? I could have wrote I had a date and afterwards she did X Y Z and know one here will ever know any thing else that happened. I provided all the little details so I can get more accurate responses.

 

If you think I was at fault and caused everything then that's fine, say it that way I can handle it, but when you come in trying to analyze my mind, feelings and motivations then that's where I have to step in and defend myself because you can't possibly know all those things unless I state them explicitly.

 

I'll start giving clarifying without the snark when you stop trying to act as if you can read my mind and intentions....

 

You’re right, from here on out I will make sure my advice adheres to the standards the persons asking the question prefers.

 

Your base question has been answered tenfold and there’s literally nothing more to it, you’ve made that clear.

 

So you’re good now.

 

Have a happy new year!

[j.man]

Add to that, you fully blew her off, afterwards

On what earth is not texting someone less than two hours after the date "fully blowing someone off?" Speaking personally, I drive. I run errands. But if I paid the bulk of the bill and traveled the bulk of the distance, you're getting laughed straight to the bank if you're gonna text with some trumped up drama because I didn't text you within 90 minutes.

 

I might even call someone like that just so they can hear me laughing at how goofy they are.

[figureitout23]

On what earth is not texting someone less than two hours after the date "fully blowing someone off?" Speaking personally, I drive. I run errands. But if I paid the bulk of the bill and traveled the bulk of the distance, you're getting laughed straight to the bank if you're gonna text with some trumped up drama because I didn't text you within 90 minutes.

 

I might even call someone like that just so they can hear me laughing at how goofy they are.

 

She asked him to let her know he got home safe. I ask that of people all the time, even dates. I’m asked that all the time, even dates.

 

She has a chip on her shoulder clearly. He was late, one minute or twenty, first dates meets whatever youre putting yourself out there, so everything is magnified, so he was late, then he forgot his money, and apparently he did something to make her think he wasn’t interested, I didn’t quite catch what that was exactly, but for all intents and purposes despite those little things the date went well, they seemed to like each other despite all these things. I promise you she was on edge because of those little things most wouldn’t notice because again everything is magnified. This is what dating is when you aren’t emotionally equipped for it.

 

Feeling uneasy and excited and nervous and vulnerable because you think you might have had a good first date but you aren’t sure but maybe you did and all you ask is ‘ hey let me know you get home’ And they don’t. Because of the way online dating goes most people would take that as rejection.

 

I’m not saying he did anything wrong, well he did by arguing back and quite frankly. I think he still despite all this insanity might actually still kinda like her which may be why this post was written because despite attempting to figure out why it’s so important to him to recap all of this he can’t give an answer besides, “ doesn’t everybody ask questions!!!!”

 

What I’m saying is my God man this is a living breathing person, women aren’t these insane entities. There’s hunanity in all of us and reasons we do things. Was she wrong? Yes. Did he make mistakes? Yes. This is what online dating has become unfortunately. People who are not emotionally equipped putting themselves out there. They aren’t crazy, they’re broken.

 

I think both of their egos got in the way of what very well could have been something and now this post is an even bigger nail in the coffin, because he’s this and she’s that and everyone’s right fighting but no ones bothering to figure out what’s happening at the core of all this and when I try I’m looked at like I’m a b*tch. So yeah...

 

I guess what I’m trying to say is... I want nothing to do with online dating.

 

Lol.

 

I’m up way too late. Good night.

[Eliza50]

I really don't think you made any ''mistake'' except reply to her nasty texts. I would have just blocked her.

 

About the date itself, if someone was 5 or even 10 minutes late wouldn't bother me at all unless he practically lived next door to the meeting place. Same thing about the money situation. It's not like you had no money with you and/or expected her to cover the cost of your meal. I might have felt uneasy at first but I would forget about it the moment you gave me (more than) your half.

 

As for the texting afterwards, on what planet does someone have to text a person within the next 90 minutes or else? She had no right whatsoever to be that angry.

 

Yes, you should be organised but things happen and I think that she actually did you a favor. Now that I think about it, I would text her back ''thank you for showing me your true colors, good luck''....and then block her

[purplepaisley]

On what earth is not texting someone less than two hours after the date "fully blowing someone off?" Speaking personally, I drive. I run errands. But if I paid the bulk of the bill and traveled the bulk of the distance, you're getting laughed straight to the bank if you're gonna text with some trumped up drama because I didn't text you within 90 minutes.

 

I might even call someone like that just so they can hear me laughing at how goofy they are.

 

It has more to do with a series of events. Waiting a couple hours is not a big deal on it's own, and maybe it wouldn't have made a difference either way with this lady, but I feel like due to the circumstances prior, contact sooner over later would have been better. There's just an aura of not really caring/interested and a feeling that he was just another jerk. The OP certainly didn't do any of this intentionally, and I'm not pointing fingers at him, but she doesn't know that. So she unloaded on him. I don't think she was right in her reaction, but a couple hours of letting this fester...I don't know. If he contacted her a little sooner, given the fact that he was late (I know she was too) and not having any money (anything else happen on the date?), maybe it would have changed the outcome.

 

If she has this type of drama and reaction to things not going according to plan, perhaps he dodged a bullet.

[Wiseman2]

So when is the wedding? 😱

I replied back and thanked her for showing me how she overreacts to little things. She then still kept sending multiple texts and that was when I unloaded on her with the nasty response of my own. I wish I was just a little bit more disciplined as not to have done that and walked away taking the high road.

[Jibralta]

Okay, so I like to get feedback on things whether I was at fault or not and it's really the only way to help one grow in the future by learning from events.

 

So I just recently started talking to this lady online a couple weeks ago who is about 40 years old. We had one nice phone conversation and I had set something up for us to meet in person last night.

Now I chose some where half way for us to meet in a little town I've never been to and don't know what is around there. Any way on my way there I used the highway which I had to pay tolls for so on my way I had withdrew money ahead of time for the meal/ dinner and to pay tolls with.. I was running a bit late and I had further to go than she did from her place.

 

Well when we got there we had dinner and chatted, and laughed and had a great time. During the date she brought up how I would rate the date and she made the assumption that after dates she likes for the guy to signal that he likes her by following up etc

 

Now I can tell she liked me because she made a reference to how sexy I was at one point.

 

So this is where things turn for the worst. The bill came and it was time to pay and leave and I remembered that I had left the cash I withdrew in the car, so I simply said hey do you have your card on you and can you pay and I'll give you some money when we get out and I'm able to get money out the car. The bill came up to about $30

 

Once we got out I went to the car and reached for the compartment and took out a $20 and gave it to her. She said you don't have to worry about it, I'm not going to take your money. I insisted and said no, she has to take it. She did.

 

So she says for me to text message her when I get home safe and sound and I said the same to her as well.

 

Now I didn't go home and straight away and made a couple stops on my way home, so I never texted her around the time she would have expected me to I guess? But like an hour and a half later I get a text message from her saying that just because I didn't think we were a match didn't mean I had to pull that s***t on her about the whole money in the car thing. Went on about how the place we went to was a dump, made fun of my shirt being too small and tight and said I could use the money to go buy another shirt. I was taken aback, first for her jumping to conclusions that I wasn't interested and then being explosive like that.

 

I told her I wouldn't even stoop to down low to her level by being mean and saying nasty things........... BUT....... I just couldn't help myself ya'll. I ended up sending her back a nasty message and now I feel like I'm no better person than she is because of that when I could have just taking the high road.

 

What do you guys think?

 

Well, I think her comment on your small, tight shirt was a bit mean.

 

But I do see how she could get a bad impression of you.

 

First, you showed up late for the date. Your excuse really doesn't matter.

 

Second, you made yourself look dumb by leaving your money in the car. It made you look like you were making more excuses even if you really weren't. Plus giving her only $20/$30 sort of cemented the impression that you were making excuses for not paying. Not that you should have paid for the whole meal or anything, it just made you look like you were trying to weasel out of something.

 

Third, you told her you would text her when you got home, but then you proceeded to take your time getting home. More excuses for your performance. Plus, your super-slow commute can be (and probably was) construed as a passive-aggressive way of telling her that she doesn't have authority over you. More weaseling. Not that you actually were weaseling--but it did look that way.

 

All together, by your own description, you just made a lousy first impression. Was her reaction a little mean and over-the-top? Probably. She could have written you off without reacting like that. She might just fed up with weaselly, excuse-making guys. Not that you are one. But in this case, to your misfortune, your behavior did run in parallel with the weaselly excuse-makers.

[cingularity83]

She asked him to let her know he got home safe. I ask that of people all the time, even dates. I’m asked that all the time, even dates.

 

She has a chip on her shoulder clearly. He was late, one minute or twenty, first dates meets whatever youre putting yourself out there, so everything is magnified, so he was late, then he forgot his money, and apparently he did something to make her think he wasn’t interested, I didn’t quite catch what that was exactly, but for all intents and purposes despite those little things the date went well, they seemed to like each other despite all these things. I promise you she was on edge because of those little things most wouldn’t notice because again everything is magnified. This is what dating is when you aren’t emotionally equipped for it.

 

Feeling uneasy and excited and nervous and vulnerable because you think you might have had a good first date but you aren’t sure but maybe you did and all you ask is ‘ hey let me know you get home’ And they don’t. Because of the way online dating goes most people would take that as rejection.

 

I’m not saying he did anything wrong, well he did by arguing back and quite frankly. I think he still despite all this insanity might actually still kinda like her which may be why this post was written because despite attempting to figure out why it’s so important to him to recap all of this he can’t give an answer besides, “ doesn’t everybody ask questions!!!!”

 

What I’m saying is my God man this is a living breathing person, women aren’t these insane entities. There’s hunanity in all of us and reasons we do things. Was she wrong? Yes. Did he make mistakes? Yes. This is what online dating has become unfortunately. People who are not emotionally equipped putting themselves out there. They aren’t crazy, they’re broken.

 

I think both of their egos got in the way of what very well could have been something and now this post is an even bigger nail in the coffin, because he’s this and she’s that and everyone’s right fighting but no ones bothering to figure out what’s happening at the core of all this and when I try I’m looked at like I’m a b*tch. So yeah...

 

I guess what I’m trying to say is... I want nothing to do with online dating.

 

Lol.

 

I’m up way too late. Good night.

 

Again you always continue to miss little details and continue to make claims....... I also said to her "hey text me when you get home safe and sound as well" and she said okay

 

If any thing she should have gotten home before I did so she had the shorter ride home.

 

In fact when I picked up the phone to send her a text that's when I noticed she had sent like 4-5 texts afterwards asking what she did wrong on the date that I had to pull the "I forgot my money in the car"

Then went to call the place we went to a dump, called me names..... even though on the date she was the one that was feeling and touching all up on my arms and flirting. It's just like J Man said, she felt rejected afterwards and just took the opportunity to show her true colors - which with all credit to her she already told me the kinda person she was ahead of time and during our phone conversation by telling me she tends to be seen as a moody person because she takes out her frustration on those close to her.

 

That's when I was like "wait a second" I just explained to her the situation and then actually gave her the money. I can understand her reaction if when we got to the parking lot I jumped in the car pretended I was getting money and sped off.... If I had did that I wouldn't even bother about her reaction afterwards since I'd be a scumbag at that point.

[cingularity83]

It has more to do with a series of events. Waiting a couple hours is not a big deal on it's own, and maybe it wouldn't have made a difference either way with this lady, but I feel like due to the circumstances prior, contact sooner over later would have been better. There's just an aura of not really caring/interested and a feeling that he was just another jerk. The OP certainly didn't do any of this intentionally, and I'm not pointing fingers at him, but she doesn't know that. So she unloaded on him. I don't think she was right in her reaction, but a couple hours of letting this fester...I don't know. If he contacted her a little sooner, given the fact that he was late (I know she was too) and not having any money (anything else happen on the date?), maybe it would have changed the outcome.

 

If she has this type of drama and reaction to things not going according to plan, perhaps he dodged a bullet.

 

I also wonder what her reaction would have been if I had texted her and said anything other than what she wanted to hear............ she probably still would have reacted the way she did.

 

Her whole thing was that I had already pre-planned everything that happened ahead of time because I didn't think we were going to be a match before we even already met.

[cingularity83]

Well, I think her comment on your small, tight shirt was a bit mean.

 

But I do see how she could get a bad impression of you.

 

First, you showed up late for the date. Your excuse really doesn't matter.

 

Second, you made yourself look dumb by leaving your money in the car. It made you look like you were making more excuses even if you really weren't. Plus giving her only $20/$30 sort of cemented the impression that you were making excuses for not paying. Not that you should have paid for the whole meal or anything, it just made you look like you were trying to weasel out of something.

 

Third, you told her you would text her when you got home, but then you proceeded to take your time getting home. More excuses for your performance. Plus, your super-slow commute can be (and probably was) construed as a passive-aggressive way of telling her that she doesn't have authority over you. More weaseling. Not that you actually were weaseling--but it did look that way.

 

All together, by your own description, you just made a lousy first impression. Was her reaction a little mean and over-the-top? Probably. She could have written you off without reacting like that. She might just fed up with weaselly, excuse-making guys. Not that you are one. But in this case, to your misfortune, your behavior did run in parallel with the weaselly excuse-makers.

 

Well I certainly can't argue with a lot of the things you said and you do bring up some great points

 

BUT I do take issue with the bolded part. So from what you're saying when you're out on a date with someone you are under obligation to make it home as quickly as possible just so that you can text the person and they not take it as a rejection and get upset and mad at you? Or maybe I'm just reading what you wrote wrong?

 

I also told her to send me a text when she made it home safe and sound..... and she didn't do that.

 

It would make more sense to me if she had did that and then maybe waited another couple hours and I didn't respond to her then her reaction would be justified to me.

[Jibralta]

So from what you're saying when you're out on a date with someone you are under obligation to make it home as quickly as possible just so that you can text the person and they not take it as a rejection and get upset and mad at you? Or maybe I'm just reading what you wrote wrong?

 

I also told her to send me a text when she made it home safe and sound..... and she didn't do that.

 

It would make more sense to me if she had did that and then maybe waited another couple hours and I didn't respond to her then her reaction would be justified to me.

 

Well, this is why I highlighted the power struggle aspect of that action. Obviously, it doesn't obligate you. But clearly it is an issue for you.

 

I'm not saying that she's right, either. I think she should have done what she said she was going to do. But you are keeping score, and that did come across to me as a possibility. It may have come across to her, as well.

[cingularity83]

On what earth is not texting someone less than two hours after the date "fully blowing someone off?" Speaking personally, I drive. I run errands. But if I paid the bulk of the bill and traveled the bulk of the distance, you're getting laughed straight to the bank if you're gonna text with some trumped up drama because I didn't text you within 90 minutes.

 

I might even call someone like that just so they can hear me laughing at how goofy they are.

 

A lot of people are conveniently missing out on the part where I said to her to text me when she got home safe and sound as well..... but it's okay.

 

If she had sent me a text when she got home saying she made it home safe and sound and I didn't reply for another couple hours then I can sorta kinda justify her reaction in assuming that I was blowing her off after the date.

 

But I think any thing short of what she wanted to hear after the date would've resulted in the same explosive behaviors from her any way.

[cingularity83]

Well, this is why I highlighted the power struggle aspect of that action. Obviously, it doesn't obligate you. But clearly it is an issue for you.

 

I'm not saying that she's right, either. I think she should have done what she said she was going to do. But you are keeping score, and that did come across to me as a possibility. It may have come across to her, as well.

 

oh alright I see what you mean now.

[figureitout23]

Again you always continue to miss little details and continue to make claims....... I also said to her "hey text me when you get home safe and sound as well" and she said okay

 

If any thing she should have gotten home before I did so she had the shorter ride home.

 

In fact when I picked up the phone to send her a text that's when I noticed she had sent like 4-5 texts afterwards asking what she did wrong on the date that I had to pull the "I forgot my money in the car"

Then went to call the place we went to a dump, called me names..... even though on the date she was the one that was feeling and touching all up on my arms and flirting. It's just like J Man said, she felt rejected afterwards and just took the opportunity to show her true colors - which with all credit to her she already told me the kinda person she was ahead of time and during our phone conversation by telling me she tends to be seen as a moody person because she takes out her frustration on those close to her.

 

That's when I was like "wait a second" I just explained to her the situation and then actually gave her the money. I can understand her reaction if when we got to the parking lot I jumped in the car pretended I was getting money and sped off.... If I had did that I wouldn't even bother about her reaction afterwards since I'd be a scumbag at that point.

 

Ignoring your attempt at a jab at me, youre absolutely right, I completely missed the part about you both being expected to text one another when you got home.

 

Now that I know that I think Jibralta is spot on:

 

Well, this is why I highlighted the power struggle aspect of that action. Obviously, it doesn't obligate you. But clearly it is an issue for you.

 

I'm not saying that she's right, either. I think she should have done what she said she was going to do. But you are keeping score, and that did come across to me as a possibility. It may have come across to her, as well.

 

Like I said in my previous post, I think you both let your egos get in the way so instead of enjoying each other, which if I'm remembering correctly, you said it was a nice date, you both kinda played a game of 'who cares less' and she lost. Trust me, all that meanness all that anger, you got to her, her ego was bruised, so she lashed out. I wouldn't take anything she said personal because it had nothing to do with you necessarily but how she perceived your actions.

 

This probably is for the best. She told you about her insecurities, she said shes a moody person and lashes out, so she gave you fair warning and you still weren't prepared for it when it happened, which honestly, most people wouldn't be able to handle it, So it would have been a bad match no matter what. Water under the bridge now, whats done is done. Learn from this, this experience is full of lessons if youre willing to accept them.

[katrina1980]

 

I wouldn't take anything she said personal because it had nothing to do with you necessarily but how she perceived your actions.

 

 

I agree with FIO and also with LHG re the 90/10 rule. I don't believe her "lashing out" had anything to do with you at all; she's become burned out, bitter and jaded from OLDing and being rejected, so she anticipated rejection with you, even when there was none there. And lashed out.

 

I've had men do that with me when I had to cancel a date last minute, even with a legit excuse. Because of their past experiences, with OLDing or even real life, my having to cancel triggered something inside of them that had nothing to do with me (or even me cancelling), but more about how they're burned out from dating, sick of being rejected so they assumed that is what I was doing too, and proceeded to lash out at me in ways that seemed unbelievable to me and totally not justified; I've had some very bad stuff said to me all because I had to cancel a friggin date.

 

I never took it personally, I knew where it came from, which again had NOTHING to do with me.

 

I think you should put this entire experience out of your mind; you dodged a HUGE bullet.

[cingularity83]

Ignoring your attempt at a jab at me, youre absolutely right, I completely missed the part about you both being expected to text one another when you got home.

 

Now that I know that I think Jibralta is spot on:

 

 

 

Like I said in my previous post, I think you both let your egos get in the way so instead of enjoying each other, which if I'm remembering correctly, you said it was a nice date, you both kinda played a game of 'who cares less' and she lost. Trust me, all that meanness all that anger, you got to her, her ego was bruised, so she lashed out. I wouldn't take anything she said personal because it had nothing to do with you necessarily but how she perceived your actions.

 

This probably is for the best. She told you about her insecurities, she said shes a moody person and lashes out, so she gave you fair warning and you still weren't prepared for it when it happened, which honestly, most people wouldn't be able to handle it, So it would have been a bad match no matter what. Water under the bridge now, whats done is done. Learn from this, this experience is full of lessons if youre willing to accept them.

 

Thank you very much.... that's always been one of the biggest weakness of mine. I some times just don't know how to let things go especially if I feel like I did some one wrong.

Thanks for the advice and appreciate it.

 

Happy New Year

[cingularity83]

I agree with FIO and also with LHG re the 90/10 rule. I don't believe her "lashing out" had anything to do with you at all; she's become burned out, bitter and jaded from OLDing and being rejected, so she anticipated rejection with you, even when there was none there. And lashed out.

 

I've had men do that with me when I had to cancel a date last minute, even with a legit excuse. Because of their past experiences, with OLDing or even real life, my having to cancel triggered something inside of them that had nothing to do with me (or even me cancelling), but more about how they're burned out from dating, sick of being rejected so they assumed that is what I was doing too, and proceeded to lash out at me in ways that seemed unbelievable to me and totally not justified; I've had some very bad stuff said to me all because I had to cancel a friggin date.

 

I never took it personally, I knew where it came from, which again had NOTHING to do with me.

 

I think you should put this entire experience out of your mind; you dodged a HUGE bullet.

 

Yea I think the part that hurt me the most was that she thought I had some way some how pre-planned every thing that happened ahead of time because I knew we weren't a match. She kept asking me via texts what she did to me that was so wrong and I just couldn't find any words for her because I never felt or said that she did anything wrong, but in her mind that's what she chose to believe to justify that she did something wrong to me and that's why I only paid for two-thirds of the dinner bill.

[katrina1980]

cingularity, there is no attempting to rationalize or justify your behavior to someone, when that someone (her) is in such a ridiculous frame of mind.

 

I won't repeat what some men have called me, again simply because I cancelled a first (or second) date, but do you think I cared one iota what they thought, they're nuts!!

 

That's all I was thinking and that I dodged a bullet!

 

The only opinion that should matter to you is the opinion you have of yourself; you cannot control what others choose to think about you, it doesn't matter anyway, what they think is irrelevant.

 

May I ask why her opinion of you matters to you so much? Why you're allowing it to negatively affect you like this? A guilt complex perhaps, going back to your childhood or something? Serious question and I mean no disrespect by it.

 

I don't think you did anything so horrible that would justify her lashing out the way she did. This is on HER, not you.

 

Let it go, seriously. Put it out of your mind. You're wasting too much precious energy on this, energy that you could be putting towards much more productive things, like continuing to talk and meet other women, women who don't lash out over stupid shyt and who are not psycho.

[Batya33]

I didn’t read it all and really like how Katrina put it and she reminded me too of men who overreacted with me clearly based on baggage and not me. By any stretch. My husband left his wallet at his office for our first lunch date at a kind of pricey place he picked. He was mortified. He tried to pay me back as soon as we got back to work but I wouldn’t take his money. I believed him 100%. That was 23 years ago and he’s always been very generous with me and everyone else. And yes I think he was trying to pay me for the whole meal but the conversation never got that far. Was happy to treat.

[cingularity83]

cingularity, there is no attempting to rationalize or justify your behavior to someone, when that someone (her) is in such a ridiculous frame of mind.

 

I won't repeat what some men have called me, again simply because I cancelled a first (or second) date, but do you think I cared one iota what they thought, they're nuts!!

 

That's all I was thinking and that I dodged a bullet!

 

The only opinion that should matter to you is the opinion you have of yourself; you cannot control what others choose to think about you, it doesn't matter anyway, what they think is irrelevant.

 

May I ask why her opinion of you matters to you so much? Why you're allowing it to negatively affect you like this? A guilt complex perhaps, going back to your childhood or something? Serious question and I mean no disrespect by it.

 

I don't think you did anything so horrible that would justify her lashing out the way she did. This is on HER, not you.

 

Let it go, seriously. Put it out of your mind. You're wasting too much precious energy on this, energy that you could be putting towards much more productive things, like continuing to talk and meet other women, women who don't lash out over stupid shyt and who are not psycho.

 

Thank you for the words as the New Year approaches Katrina.... I'll add it to my list of things to work on myself for 2019 Year

 

It's not just her..... I do it with family, friends, and just people in general. I hate feeling like I'm viewed in a negative light especially if I didn't do something on purpose. She thought I planned to forget my money on purpose so that's the part that bothered me.

 

But you're right, I will try to just not let people's perception of me bother me that much moving forward. It won't be easy but it's something I've battled with for a long time but eventually if I put in the effort I'm sure I can at least tame it.

[purplepaisley]

It has more to do with a series of events. Waiting a couple hours is not a big deal on it's own, and maybe it wouldn't have made a difference either way with this lady, but I feel like due to the circumstances prior, contact sooner over later would have been better. There's just an aura of not really caring/interested and a feeling that he was just another jerk. The OP certainly didn't do any of this intentionally, and I'm not pointing fingers at him, but she doesn't know that. So she unloaded on him. I don't think she was right in her reaction, but a couple hours of letting this fester...I don't know. If he contacted her a little sooner, given the fact that he was late (I know she was too) and not having any money (anything else happen on the date?), maybe it would have changed the outcome.

 

If she has this type of drama and reaction to things not going according to plan, perhaps he dodged a bullet.

I also wonder what her reaction would have been if I had texted her and said anything other than what she wanted to hear............ she probably still would have reacted the way she did.

 

Her whole thing was that I had already pre-planned everything that happened ahead of time because I didn't think we were going to be a match before we even already met.

 

You don't know if she would have reacted differently. I am seriously not judging you as a flake or a mooch, but keep in mind, she has dealt with a lot of jerks in her dating life, and you have probably also dealt with a lot of jerks. This is something that chinks at our armor and creates baggage. She has NO IDEA whether or not you were being a moochy jerk, or if this was merely serious of unfortunate accidents. We've all seen the dating shows, and we've all read the stories...jerks...and you just piled it on higher and deeper. I don't mean to punch at you, but the circumstances and series of events just piled one issue on top of another...the guy is after sex...they guy "conveniently" forgot/lost his wallet...the guy had a set time to meet at 7, so this is his cue to get ready at 7, but not actually BE THERE at 7, leaving you waiting.

 

How in the world, in this day and age, did you not at least have your debit card?? Why were you so rigid on cash-only? You could have re-deposited that cash you ultimately didn't use, or just keep it around as mad money...I'm so lost on your thought process.

 

You stated that she was highly affectionate during your date and things seemed to go quite well, so it's really hard to say if she would have come after you with teeth and claws if you would have simply shot her a text while you were waiting in line during one of your errands or you were in the parking lot at your errand destination.

 

That's the thing...this is something I would have done. I would have texted at Fry's while waiting in line. While I'm not a huge texter, after a kickass date, if I decided to run a couple errands on the way home, I wouldn't want to lose that momentum, and I would have shot a text. If he wanted to continue the texting banter, I would explain that I'm running a couple errands, but when I get home, let's chat; in the meantime, texting will be sporadic.

 

One thing I would NOT do is text a guy that seemed to be rather lackadaisical and I had to foot the bill. If he was happy with me, and he screwed up, though unintentionally, I would expect him to do the texting first...I NEED him to express his interest in me and text me first, if he's truly interested. While I don't know if this is the mindset of your lady, I do think that the lapse of time after the series of unfortunate events played a role. I'm working on the assumption that she needed you to text first. When you waited, you added insult to injury.

 

New relationships can be so precarious, and at the end of the day, I think you were the one responsible for creating some recovery. Maybe she would have still responded with a viscous attack...maybe not.

 

Again, I understand that things did not play out as intended, and you were not intentionally behaving badly or anything like that, but for her, what I think she saw was yet another jerk, and you didn't take any steps to rectify it.

 

ETA: I think her behavior was atrocious, and while she may have felt wounded, there was no need to lash out the way she did.

[Eliza50]

This is a woman he had just met for the first time. A total stranger.

 

If she has dealt with 'a lot of jerks' in her dating life, it's not the OP's fault.

If she jumps to conclusions that someone is a jerk/is not interested in her just because he forgot his wallet in the car (even though he did pay more than his share after the dinner) or because he didn't text her 'in time' or because he was 5 minutes late, it's not the OP's fault.

 

She shouldn't be dating at all if she can't handle stuff like that. People are not perfect.

[purplepaisley]

Yep. And look at how reality works.

[j.man]

 

 

You don't know if she would have reacted differently. I am seriously not judging you as a flake or a mooch, but keep in mind, she has dealt with a lot of jerks in her dating life, and you have probably also dealt with a lot of jerks. This is something that chinks at our armor and creates baggage. She has NO IDEA whether or not you were being a moochy jerk, or if this was merely serious of unfortunate accidents. We've all seen the dating shows, and we've all read the stories...jerks...and you just piled it on higher and deeper. I don't mean to punch at you, but the circumstances and series of events just piled one issue on top of another...the guy is after sex...they guy "conveniently" forgot/lost his wallet...the guy had a set time to meet at 7, so this is his cue to get ready at 7, but not actually BE THERE at 7, leaving you waiting.

 

How in the world, in this day and age, did you not at least have your debit card?? Why were you so rigid on cash-only? You could have re-deposited that cash you ultimately didn't use, or just keep it around as mad money...I'm so lost on your thought process.

 

You stated that she was highly affectionate during your date and things seemed to go quite well, so it's really hard to say if she would have come after you with teeth and claws if you would have simply shot her a text while you were waiting in line during one of your errands or you were in the parking lot at your errand destination.

 

That's the thing...this is something I would have done. I would have texted at Fry's while waiting in line. While I'm not a huge texter, after a kickass date, if I decided to run a couple errands on the way home, I wouldn't want to lose that momentum, and I would have shot a text. If he wanted to continue the texting banter, I would explain that I'm running a couple errands, but when I get home, let's chat; in the meantime, texting will be sporadic.

 

One thing I would NOT do is text a guy that seemed to be rather lackadaisical and I had to foot the bill. If he was happy with me, and he screwed up, though unintentionally, I would expect him to do the texting first...I NEED him to express his interest in me and text me first, if he's truly interested. While I don't know if this is the mindset of your lady, I do think that the lapse of time after the series of unfortunate events played a role. I'm working on the assumption that she needed you to text first. When you waited, you added insult to injury.

 

New relationships can be so precarious, and at the end of the day, I think you were the one responsible for creating some recovery. Maybe she would have still responded with a viscous attack...maybe not.

 

Again, I understand that things did not play out as intended, and you were not intentionally behaving badly or anything like that, but for her, what I think she saw was yet another jerk, and you didn't take any steps to rectify it.

 

ETA: I think her behavior was atrocious, and while she may have felt wounded, there was no need to lash out the way she did.

No, he really didn't. And there was no reason for her to lash out in any way, period.

 

Look, as far as the OP not getting a cookie for only being a few minutes late simply because she was late as well and him not running to the car to grab his $20 rather than having a total stranger put complete faith in him giving her the money for his dish but for her putting it all on her card first, I completely agree with folks who have been critical of the OP.

 

But at the end of the day, he was [at least by his account] a handful of minutes later than her, and he ended up disproportionately paying toward the bill. While, again, in as far as being responsible for arriving at an agreed upon time, I completely concur with folks that distance is irrelevant. But that goes out the window once that time has elapsed. If you live 10 minutes closer than he does and he's only 5 minutes later than you were late, that means you were the one who sucked more and aren't in a position to throw stones or take offense. And maybe it's because I'm a guy and it's against the norm that I'd be humbled for someone to pay for any portion of my meal or their meal + tip regardless if they didn't pay the entire bill, but I'd call that a pretty safe wash if they did happen to show up a couple minutes later than my own late arrival. Still, if you want to argue it'd leave a bad first impression, there's not much to argue against that and I'd call it understandable.

 

And while I think the thread and the OP would have been better off swallowing some difficult pills, taking up a single sentence, after an edit no less, to call someone's behavior atrocious after spending like six paragraphs rationalizing it is what I'd likewise call "reality" for the OP to find himself reacting a bit defensively.

 

And not a direct response to you, purple, but I'll withdraw my calling her crazy. Speaking colloquially, I do separate "broken" and "crazy" by whether someone takes their hurt and insecurity as license to act in a way that harms or intends to harm others. That would go just as well for men as it would women, but I understand the sensitivity around the pejorative. I've got nothing but love and sympathy for anyone who suffers internally but who doesn't seek or take an opportunity to extend that suffering onto others. Having a pretty thick skin, a woman sending me a series of insults after a first date would be a source of humor. For many others, it understandably is not.

[figureitout23]

 

And not a direct response to you, purple, but I'll withdraw my calling her crazy. Speaking colloquially, I do separate "broken" and "crazy" by whether someone takes their hurt and insecurity as license to act in a way that harms or intends to harm others. That would go just as well for men as it would women, but I understand the sensitivity around the pejorative. I've got nothing but love and sympathy for anyone who suffers internally but who doesn't seek or take an opportunity to extend that suffering onto others. Having a pretty thick skin, a woman sending me a series of insults after a first date would be a source of humor. For many others, it understandably is not.

 

I agree with you wholeheartedly jman, with most of your post but especially this part.You know my posting style, I probably say, 'you don't need to be dating right now', at least once a day.

 

With time Im realizing, this is dating now, people are trying to fill voids and fix themselves instead of finding partners, and the whole process is completely unnatural for many people. I think years from now researcher will find out just how damaging online dating is to society.

 

This isn't me projecting, for the most part online dating has been 'successful' for me, its me observing from this board how accepted dating as a coping mechanism is today, I think someone else said it before, you're not getting the cream of the crop.

 

The irony is, hes is as much of a product of this damaging atmosphere as she is, like purple said, him texting her most likely would have eased her uneasiness and maybe things would have smoothed out, but he made a point to let it be known that she was supposed to text him too. I think purple made an excellent point that many would be so jazzed after a great date that they probably wouldnt have thought twice about texting while in line at frys. For me, after great dates, theres typically been a flurry of texts going back and forth, theres usually another date planned before the next date ends etc. but then there are situations like this where two people are so afraid of showing anything that they're playing a game of who cares less, I have no doubt part of the reason he didnt text her is because she didnt text him, that's what constant dates and rejections and missed opportunities and uh oh they like me more than I like them breeds, again, its unnatural, so it gets to some people and dating becomes a game of strategy rather than an organic event and dont get me wrong dating does have some degree of strategy but when it take over, this is what you get, random angry texts about your shirt being too tight.