Just had my first disaster date at 30 years old

[cingularity83]

Frankly I wouldn’t care if your drive is longer. Late is late. I’m glad you at least discussed it ahead of time. But the distance is irrelevant.

 

We arrived a couple of minutes apart. She got there maybe a minute or two before I did.

[cingularity83]

Oh she's a piece of work and you did dodge a huge bullet. Be glad you saw her y side and wont have contact with her again.

 

HOWEVER you acted like a jerk by retaliating with your nasty text. You did sink to her low level. You looked like a real tightwad by offering her $20 instead of the $30 the dinner cost. No wonder she was mad at you. Dont do that again.

 

You should not have forgotten your money in the car, it should be in your wallet. But you know that now. Forget her, move on, and learn from this.

 

I can't argue with you on that one. Not something I'm proud of..... NOT responding to her at all would have sent a bigger message

[cingularity83]

Wow, the lady’s bonkers. There sure are some angry people out there. Sheesh. Interesting though that she just assumed the worst with respect to you forgetting the money in the car, instead of thinking it was an honest mistake.

 

I know I’m already telling you what you’re already thinking, but, I would have just deleted her text and not responded. Sure, maybe you got some gratification by responding with a nasty message, but that feeling is only temporary. That feeling of having stooped to her level and feeling guilty about it lasts so much longer. Don’t beat yourself up over it, though. Remember this incident for future reference. Learn from it and let it go.

 

Any chance you can just focus on meeting women closer to home?

 

I’d also try and be more organized and prepared for your meets/dates. Mistakes happen, I get it. No biggie. But being prepared makes for a much better first impression (especially when the early stages of dating are so fragile).

 

If you were planning on paying, in the alternative, I think excusing yourself and running out to the car to grab your wallet/money would have been the better way to go, FWIW.

 

Don’t beat yourself up over this, OP. And don’t let this woman’s comments get to you either. She sounds absolutely miserable!

 

Yea on the date she told me about a horror date situation she had with some guy that was trying to impress with how much money he had by flashing a platinum visa card and just going overboard trying to be flashy. She said she let him know he wasn't impressing her because her dad has one of those as well and the guy and I quote said to her ("f*** your dad). So I mean this isn't her first rodeo clashing with dates I guess...... and I'm sure there are probably many others she's been although it's just me making assumptions at this point

 

In hindsight I probably should have done what you said and excused myself and ran to the car regardless of how it would've came off. I just assumed since we were on our way out I'd just give her the money while outside.

[Sportster2005]

Her reaction is out of line. Recommend blocking them in the future.

 

Why would you get her to put in on her card, then give her cash?? If I was on the other side of the table, I would find that a little odd and suspicious.

You didn't have a debit card, or credit card??

 

Anywho. There's plenty of "who should pay" threads on this forum. Some women still expect it, some don't. Some women think they're entitled to it. They like to say "I'm old fashioned". Which is usually not true. Their desire for nostalgia stops at the point you mention you're having friends over and want her to make you and your buddies some sandwiches.

 

With that in mind. Always have your money in order. It looks shady and/or incompetent to 'forget your wallet/money'. For a first date simply do something cheap or free. Or at least a casual pub meal. That way if the woman expects you to pay, you're only out a little money. Assuming you're not going to make a scene and demand she pay for her own coffee. The choice is yours. Seems like a stupid hill to die on to me.

 

If I dated a woman and she made no effort to pay, I simply paid, and never contacted them again. If they sincerely wanted to pay their half, I would usually offer to pay. Chivalry and equality are not mutually exclusive. If the woman persited and insisted on paying her half, I let her. It's rude not to, and shows you are incapable of listening. When I pay there is no obligation for the woman to do anything. PERIOD.

 

Don't judge women that expect to have their meals paid for. There's men out their that are perfectly happy to pull out their wallet and pay. These two types are a good match.

 

I've made the mistake of trying to impress a woman by suggesting an expensive place and then paying for it. It's STOOOPID. Don't do it. The sex was mediocre at best.

 

My fiance always offered to pay her half. I would decline. She started insisting on paying after a few dates. It all worked out well.

[cingularity83]

A handful and moody is probably where you should have left . That means she’s understating her issue.

 

yea you ain't lying.

 

I figured to not judge what she says over the phone and to at least meet her and get to know her before jumping into any kind of conclusions.

[cingularity83]

Her reaction is out of line. Recommend blocking them in the future.

 

Why would you get her to put in on her card, then give her cash?? If I was on the other side of the table, I would find that a little odd and suspicious.

You didn't have a debit card, or credit card??

 

Anywho. There's plenty of "who should pay" threads on this forum. Some women still expect it, some don't. Some women think they're entitled to it. They like to say "I'm old fashioned". Which is usually not true. Their desire for nostalgia stops at the point you mention you're having friends over and want her to make you and your buddies some sandwiches.

 

With that in mind. Always have your money in order. It looks shady and/or incompetent to 'forget your wallet/money'. For a first date simply do something cheap or free. Or at least a casual pub meal. That way if the woman expects you to pay, you're only out a little money. Assuming you're not going to make a scene and demand she pay for her own coffee. The choice is yours. Seems like a stupid hill to die on to me.

 

If I dated a woman and she made no effort to pay, I simply paid, and never contacted them again. If they sincerely wanted to pay their half, I would usually offer to pay. Chivalry and equality are not mutually exclusive. If the woman persited and insisted on paying her half, I let her. It's rude not to, and shows you are incapable of listening. When I pay there is no obligation for the woman to do anything. PERIOD.

 

Don't judge women that expect to have their meals paid for. There's men out their that are perfectly happy to pull out their wallet and pay. These two types are a good match.

 

I've made the mistake of trying to impress a woman by suggesting an expensive place and then paying for it. It's STOOOPID. Don't do it. The sex was mediocre at best.

 

My fiance always offered to pay her half. I would decline. She started insisting on paying after a few dates. It all worked out well.

 

Hi Sportster, remember you from back when I was more active on the forums. Always welcome your insights.

 

The only reason I didn't have my wallet on me was because from the moment I left the house I had full intentions of using cash to pay. So when I got there to the location of the restaurant I didn't think twice about it.

The cash I had I put inside a compartment in the car because after paying the tolls it was just a lot easier than trying to stuff it inside my pants pockets while also holing on to my phone (using for GPS).

 

So when I got there I was rushing trying to go in and that was where the error occurred on my part.

 

I have fully paid for more expensive dates before in the past so it's not like I haven't done that as well. That's why even when she turned down the money I handed to her I insisted and was firm that she took it.

[Seraphim]

Please use a dash hold for your phone. Tomorrow the fine for holding a phone in your hand while driving your vehicle for a first offence goes to $1000 and a three day license suspension .

[Starlight925]

Please use a dash hold for your phone. Tomorrow the fine for holding a phone in your hand while driving your vehicle for a first offence goes to $1000 and a three day license suspension .

 

Off topic, but a good point. The fines vary by country, and by state. But in any event, never a good idea to hold your phone while driving.

 

I have a company car and a company phone, and our new fine, starting 2019? Automatic termination. So yeah, I'm just now realizing how often I reach for my phone.

[cingularity83]

Please use a dash hold for your phone. Tomorrow the fine for holding a phone in your hand while driving your vehicle for a first offence goes to $1000 and a three day license suspension .

 

oh wowzers I wasn't aware of that..... thanks for the heads up! I'll order one right away

[BecxyRex]

Probably irrelevant at this point, but just to add my two cents, I’ve always paid for half for every early date, unless someone says they want to invite me to dinner or they insist. I think the privilege of getting a whole meal paid for comes after some time of getting to know me and wanting to invest and vice versa. I never understood how some women find it offensive if the dude didn’t pay for everything in the beginning. It’s a mutual getting to know each other so why should one give more at first?

[Starlight925]

I always, always offer to pay the first time. 99% of the time, the guy tells me no, that he's got it. If we are out for a while, or go on a second date, I'll excuse myself to use the restroom, and while I'm up, I'll go to the bar, or find the waitress, to send drinks to our table, and I'll leave my credit card.

 

I love chivalry, which is not the same as old-fashioned. I love a guy opening my door, etc., and a guy offering to pay is part of that. I'll bake cookies, make dinner, or yes, make sandwiches for him & his friends. I see nothing wrong with all that, plus being an independent gal.

 

I think in this particular case, this woman is ticked off at many others before you.

 

Something I heard many years ago applies here: The 90/10 rule. 90% of an over-reaction has nothing to do with the situation itself. 90% of that overreaction comes from things that happened before that event, which was only a 10% level event, happened. I think it applies here. 90% of her reaction had anything to do you with you, or your date.

[mustlovedogs]

I wouldn’t find it offensive if he wanted me to pay my half - BUT:

 

- thinking $20 “more than covers” a “probably $15” entree is naive. Tip? Drink?

- the act was strange. I would be put off of him not having cash and then deliberately only paying half. It feels weird.

 

I think she was crazy, but OP felt disjointed here.

[cingularity83]

I always, always offer to pay the first time. 99% of the time, the guy tells me no, that he's got it. If we are out for a while, or go on a second date, I'll excuse myself to use the restroom, and while I'm up, I'll go to the bar, or find the waitress, to send drinks to our table, and I'll leave my credit card.

 

I love chivalry, which is not the same as old-fashioned. I love a guy opening my door, etc., and a guy offering to pay is part of that. I'll bake cookies, make dinner, or yes, make sandwiches for him & his friends. I see nothing wrong with all that, plus being an independent gal.

 

I think in this particular case, this woman is ticked off at many others before you.

 

Something I heard many years ago applies here: The 90/10 rule. 90% of an over-reaction has nothing to do with the situation itself. 90% of that overreaction comes from things that happened before that event, which was only a 10% level event, happened. I think it applies here. 90% of her reaction had anything to do you with you, or your date.

 

great and interesting insight

 

There's some merit to what you said!

[Seraphim]

Here in Ontario, Canada it goes that high.

oh wowzers I wasn't aware of that..... thanks for the heads up! I'll order one right away

[cingularity83]

I wouldn’t find it offensive if he wanted me to pay my half - BUT:

 

- thinking $20 “more than covers” a “probably $15” entree is naive. Tip? Drink?

- the act was strange. I would be put off of him not having cash and then deliberately only paying half. It feels weird.

 

I think she was crazy, but OP felt disjointed here.

 

The food I got was $12 and the soda I got was about $1.50 at most so actually the $20 more than covers for whatever it is I got.

 

I already explained why I didn't have the cash though. She just thought the whole thing was planned ahead of time by me to do that to her rather than accepting it was a genuine honest mistake to have forgotten the money in the car.

 

I mean we live in a world where people have gotten other more important things in their cars.... like their keys, kids etc, so I don't think it's out of the realm of possibility to think that it's possible someone can forget money.

[mustlovedogs]

Op you’re missing the point.

 

I’m telling you I would’ve been put off by it. It would feel like excuses. So I’m saying you need to get it together when you have the next first date because, how you described yourself, is very unattractive.

[figureitout23]

Validation for what exactly?

 

uneasy about what? Yes I was taken aback about her overall reaction but what's wrong with feeling that?

 

People handle things differently.... sure I could have ignored and moved on but what's wrong with asking other people's perspectives? Have you never written on here asking people about things that happened to you?

 

Why don't you tell me since it sounds like maybe you know more about myself than I do.... do think there's more to this? Do you think I really like her? why so?

 

I think you’ve got a humongous chip on your shoulder.

 

Why? I haven’t the slightest idea. I haven’t checked your posting history, but I can feel your agitation.

 

Look we all have that one disaster date story. Mine is so off the chain I can’t repeat it because all my friends and coworkers know about it, so telling it here would give up any anonymity I have. it was that epically bad.So I get telling the story. But again you seem agitated by all this. Why? Again i don’t know and like I said, I could join the bashing her bandwagon but what’s the point.

 

Why do you feel you need perspective? Serious question. It’s not a leading question and I’m not insinuating anything, I’m tgenuinly asking why so much headspace is being used for a bad date?

[j.man]

It's not about the money. The lady didn't flip her **** because you only paid for 2/3 of the bill. Even for the most entitled of women, that's an extreme reaction. She was convinced you weren't into her and she took that as license to preemptively blast you however she could because, as she even disclaimed, she's off her rocker.

 

I don't necessarily think all the criticisms of you have been fair, but folks here are doing what they can to give you some kind of workable advice rather than just pile onto some stranger we nor even you should have much or any stake in. The gossip circles don't tend to bode well even when women here do it, much less a grown man.

 

A little bit of humility probably would have kept this thread within two pages in length and garnered you a bit more sympathy. Being more late than she was late still, in effect, makes you the late party. No one could argue with "yeah, that's my bad." And while no sane person is going to judge someone else for needing to run to the car real quick to grab their cash, it is a spec shady to ask someone to go on and cover it for you right then and there with their card, especially if your justification for the cash is to avoid paying by card to afford the wait staff a cash tip. Again, it's something I'm sure you could concede to at least understanding.

 

I think given the context, it might be easy to assume people are suggesting you and she are at parity with one another in your conduct, or that your role was causal to hers going nuts-o mode. I'd certainly disagree with them if some are making that claim. But most folks are just offering generalized advice. And, yeah, you'll catch some **** from a few around here if you don't think a man is beholden to the bill on a first date, but that's life. None of this is anything to take personally.

[cingularity83]

I think you’ve got a humongous chip on your shoulder.

 

Why? I haven’t the slightest idea. I haven’t checked your posting history, but I can feel your agitation.

 

Look we all have that one disaster date story. Mine is so off the chain I can’t repeat it because all my friends and coworkers know about it, so telling it here would give up any anonymity I have. it was that epically bad.So I get telling the story. But again you seem agitated by all this. Why? Again i don’t know and like I said, I could join the bashing her bandwagon but what’s the point.

 

Why do you feel you need perspective? Serious question. It’s not a leading question and I’m not insinuating anything, I’m tgenuinly asking why so much headspace is being used for a bad date?

 

So you came here and made assumptions about me from the very post and aspect me to not respond back to you? I mean I don't really get or understand what you're saying.

Why does it matter to you so much how I choose something to handle to what happened to me personally?

 

Why does any body need any perspective on anything in life? Some times it's small some times it's something huge.... You said you're not insinuating yet everything you've posted so far has been filled with nothing BUT insinuation about my character, how I feel and what my motivations are. I mean have you re-read all your post so far to see that? If no one ever felt the need to ask anything would this place even exist in the first place? But again I'm asking you why does it matter to you sooooo much how I choose to handle the personal situation I was involved in?

[cingularity83]

Op you’re missing the point.

 

I’m telling you I would’ve been put off by it. It would feel like excuses. So I’m saying you need to get it together when you have the next first date because, how you described yourself, is very unattractive.

 

Alright I get it now, thanks for the input and I will take that into consideration in the future.

[purplepaisley]

You showed up late and you didn't have any money. I understand your plight, but this is just not a good start. Understand, this lady has dealt with a lot of jerks in her dating quests, and you just demonstrated exactly the same crappy behavior as the past men she has tried to date. Add to that, you fully blew her off, afterwards, instead of sending a text that you enjoyed the evening and getting to know her.

 

I agree that your date flew off the handle and was cruel, and this was completely uncalled for.

[cingularity83]

It's not about the money. The lady didn't flip her **** because you only paid for 2/3 of the bill. Even for the most entitled of women, that's an extreme reaction. She was convinced you weren't into her and she took that as license to preemptively blast you however she could because, as she even disclaimed, she's off her rocker.

 

I don't necessarily think all the criticisms of you have been fair, but folks here are doing what they can to give you some kind of workable advice rather than just pile onto some stranger we nor even you should have much or any stake in. The gossip circles don't tend to bode well even when women here do it, much less a grown man.

 

A little bit of humility probably would have kept this thread within two pages in length and garnered you a bit more sympathy. Being more late than she was late still, in effect, makes you the late party. No one could argue with "yeah, that's my bad." And while no sane person is going to judge someone else for needing to run to the car real quick to grab their cash, it is a spec shady to ask someone to go on and cover it for you right then and there with their card, especially if your justification for the cash is to avoid paying by card to afford the wait staff a cash tip. Again, it's something I'm sure you could concede to at least understanding.

 

I think given the context, it might be easy to assume people are suggesting you and she are at parity with one another in your conduct, or that your role was causal to hers going nuts-o mode. I'd certainly disagree with them if some are making that claim. But most folks are just offering generalized advice. And, yeah, you'll catch some **** from a few around here if you don't think a man is beholden to the bill on a first date, but that's life. None of this is anything to take personally.

 

 

Right on point J Man, I think that's the underlying issue here. The fact that she denied taking the money gives this some credence. In fact during the date she mentioned that she hates what happens after dates occur and that's why she usually lets the guy take the lead as far as reaching out after date to re-assure her that he's interested in meeting up again, and in my mind I was like okay, nothing wrong with that, most women tend to be that way. Then she also kept asking me about how I would rate our date and what I would go tell my friends about her and the date and the whole time we were just laughing and I didn't really think much of it besides her coming off as just tad bit insecure.

 

I understand.... It's the way world works. I didn't think for a second that I would be absolved of any criticism in the matter, but there's a difference between someone asking me something since I'm here and can answer rather than insinuating and, making assumptions and conclusions.

No matter what one does there'll always be someone to criticize. Hence why I made sure to write everything as it happened and not omit anything so people can gauge accurately what happened. And there are also some people that will project themselves into things based on their past experience whether good or bad into their response as well.

 

Yea I can concede to understanding that. Like I said I should have just not worried about things, ran out to the car at the moment I realized I didn't have my money on me and said I'll be right back. I only had a split second to think while my mind was processing course of action to take.

 

I don't mind constructive criticism like that because you at least provided some logical reasoning I can follow and understand. I try not take things personally but nothing grinds my gears more than when people make generalizations, insinuate, or assume... especially when I'm here and can respond to questions for further clarifications.

 

Thanks J. Man

[cingularity83]

You showed up late and you didn't have any money. I understand your plight, but this is just not a good start. Understand, this lady has dealt with a lot of jerks in her dating quests, and you just demonstrated exactly the same crappy behavior as the past men she has tried to date. Add to that, you fully blew her off, afterwards, instead of sending a text that you enjoyed the evening and getting to know her.

 

I agree that your date flew off the handle and was cruel, and this was completely uncalled for.

 

There's a difference between saying I forgot my money in the car and saying I'd immediately give it to her and saying I don't have any money at all. That's not accurate.

 

I didn't blow her off afterwards..... unless if she feels like I didn't text her as soon as she wanted me to, besides I told her to text me when she made it home as well. Did I send her a text bashing her just because she didn't at the time frame I expected her to? No

[figureitout23]

So you came here and made assumptions about me from the very post and aspect me to not respond back to you? I mean I don't really get or understand what you're saying.

Why does it matter to you so much how I choose something to handle to what happened to me personally?

 

Why does any body need any perspective on anything in life? Some times it's small some times it's something huge.... You said you're not insinuating yet everything you've posted so far has been filled with nothing BUT insinuation about my character, how I feel and what my motivations are. I mean have you re-read all your post so far to see that? If no one ever felt the need to ask anything would this place even exist in the first place? But again I'm asking you why does it matter to you sooooo much how I choose to handle the personal situation I was involved in?

 

It doesn't.

 

You posed a question.

 

Do you not want an answer?

 

Or do you just want one that bashes your date?

 

Shes awful, she acted mean.

 

Ok problem solved, I'm to assume, yes?

 

You say you dont like generalizations and assumptions when youre here to clarify, ok, when are you going to start clarifying without the snark? Again, serious question.

 

Look dude, Ive got no skin in this game. My focus right now is on a bag of cheetos and HBO's free weekend. To be fair youve got no skin in this game, it was a bad date, neither one of you wants another, doing a date recap is normal but at some point, there becomes no point, especially if you dont care one way or the other.

 

Dating is supposed to be fun, light and happy, theres just so much negative energy, why do that to yourself? I am truly not comprehending it.

 

FWIW

 

You showed up late and you didn't have any money. I understand your plight, but this is just not a good start. Understand, this lady has dealt with a lot of jerks in her dating quests, and you just demonstrated exactly the same crappy behavior as the past men she has tried to date. Add to that, you fully blew her off, afterwards, instead of sending a text that you enjoyed the evening and getting to know her.

.

 

I think this has a lot of truth in it. I think she liked you and was a bit put off by the events at the date but still liked you. I think you not texting to say you got home came off as rejection to her and instead of handling it in a normal way, she put walls up and lashed out, essentially rejecting you before you can reject her.

 

That doesnt mean shes crazy.

 

It means she, like SO many doing online dating, needs to work on her self esteem and coping mechanisms.

[cingularity83]

It doesn't.

 

You posed a question.

 

Do you not want an answer?

 

Or do you just want one that bashes your date?

 

Shes awful, she acted mean.

 

Ok problem solved, I'm to assume, yes?

 

You say you dont like generalizations and assumptions when youre here to clarify, ok, when are you going to start clarifying without the snark? Again, serious question.

 

Look dude, Ive got no skin in this game. My focus right now is on a bag of cheetos and HBO's free weekend. To be fair youve got no skin in this game, it was a bad date, neither one of you wants another, doing a date recap is normal but at some point, there becomes no point, especially if you dont care one way or the other.

 

Dating is supposed to be fun, light and happy, theres just so much negative energy, why do that to yourself? I am truly not comprehending it.

 

FWIW

 

 

 

I think this has a lot of truth in it. I think she liked you and was a bit put off by the events at the date but still liked you. I think you not texting to say you got home came off as rejection to her and instead of handling it in a normal way, she put walls up and lashed out, essentially rejecting you before you can reject her.

 

That doesnt mean shes crazy.

 

It means she, like SO many doing online dating, needs to work on her self esteem and coping mechanisms.

 

Check out the way J Man did it..... he provided some criticisms towards me without making any off the wall assumptions, jumping to conclusions or putting words in my mouth in regards to things I didn't say or do.

 

 

What you think of her is for you personally. I don't really care...

If I wanted people to bash her I could've easily manipulated my initial posts by leaving out details that makes me look bad but I didn't do that did I? I could have wrote I had a date and afterwards she did X Y Z and know one here will ever know any thing else that happened. I provided all the little details so I can get more accurate responses.

 

If you think I was at fault and caused everything then that's fine, say it that way I can handle it, but when you come in trying to analyze my mind, feelings and motivations then that's where I have to step in and defend myself because you can't possibly know all those things unless I state them explicitly.

 

I'll start giving clarifying without the snark when you stop trying to act as if you can read my mind and intentions....