annie-47 Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 So I have a friend that began as a coworker and we've been friends for a few years now. We've always gotten along pretty well even though we differ a lot in some personality/interests. Anyways, she's borrowed money from me a lot, even when we still worked at the same place, but she has always paid it back in full, and it usually was within the range of $100 or so. She's always been very adamant about making sure I'm paid back. Fast forward to present time, I am a senior at my university, and I don't have a job because school keeps me extremely busy, so I live off of my student fin-aid. I'm very fortunate to still live with my family, so I don't owe rent. My friend is not so fortunate, since she is an international student studying nursing, and she was forced to move to a new city (still in the same state) because the house she was renting was sold. Well, moving costs a lot of money, and she borrowed it all from me ($2000), promising to pay it back plus interest (which I thought was unnecessary) when her mother visits the states and gives her money (her mom is very very rich but a horrible person if you know what I mean) and a credit card. Since she's always paid me back, so I of course believed her. Well her mom brought the money, but spent it all (yes $2,000) on clothes while she was here, so my friend couldn't pay me except for $400 while I house-sat for her, which frankly doesn't go towards what she owes me. This was several months ago. Since then she has been dealt a crappy hand from life and has needed to borrow a couple more hundred from me for various reasons like unexpected bills & not receiving enough fin-aid. She uses the credit card for emergencies. She also has borderline PD, and has quite the issue with impulsive spending - several times I have given her money and she turns around and spends it on luxuries, then apologizes, and asks for more money. As of today she owes me about $2,600 (I do not expect interest), and the last couple of times she has been very quiet about promising to pay the money back, which is out of her character. Like I mentioned before I don't have my own income, so really I am loaning her loaned money. It's a really unfortunate thing to say, but I could really use that $2,000 for when I graduate. She's going to see her mom again soon, and presumably she'll give her money, but who knows how that will go or how long the money will last. I feel so bad for her because I know all of the things she has been through in the past couple years, and I really want to help my friend. I think her mental health has been really suffering lately, and she even owes her psychiatrist money too. She obviously needs the money more than me, so I'd feel really selfish and guilty if I say no. I honestly even feel awful for writing all of this, it feels like I'm betraying my friend who needs me - I'm really the only friend she has right now. But the money thing is really starting to make me feel resentful and I don't want to ruin our friendship because she's a great person. tl;dr: My friend is in a rough spot and has slowly been starting to use me as a bank, and even though I really want to help her I am beginning to feel burdened by this friendship. Link to comment
Jibralta Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 Stop lending her money. Link to comment
thornz Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 If you feel bad next time you want to say no, just remind yourself that lending money to someone with poor impulse control is like giving alcohol to an alcoholic. You might find it easy to be firm if you realise that lending money you don’t want to is damaging your self esteem, your friendship and enabling your friend with her mental health issues. Say you can no longer lend her money and that you need her to pay you back. If her mother is so rich she can help out with her financial woes. You set up a dynamic in the beginning of her being able to borrow money anytime she wants it and now that has gotten out of control. You are not a bank, she has a credit card to use! Link to comment
superfan Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 Umm stop lending her money? Sorry this one is kind of a no-brainer. You leant her money to help her because she has always paid you back in the past, but she's unable to do that right now and loaning her more will only make it worse. Shakespeare said "neither a borrower nor a lender be" (Hamlet) and my grandmother used to say "never borrow money you can't afford to lose". I would take this as a lesson learned. If you can't afford to lose it, you can't afford to lend it. There's a good chance you won't see that money again so don't lend her any more under any circumstances. Link to comment
mustlovedogs Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 Stop lending her money. Tell her you’re afraid you’re strapped after the 2,600 you’ve lent her and you won’t be able to do anything until she pays you back. No offense, but her problems aren’t your problems. Link to comment
annie-47 Posted December 10, 2018 Author Share Posted December 10, 2018 Thanks for your reply. It would be so much easier if her mother was an actual decent person that gives her daughter money when in need. But you are right, I'm really not obligated to lend her money at this point. I think I will have to put my foot down the next time she asks for money because lets be real, she's going to. Link to comment
annie-47 Posted December 10, 2018 Author Share Posted December 10, 2018 A stupid mistake I've done that may come back to bite me is that I've told her how much savings I have (which is like 90% student loan money) so I am afraid she'll call me out on it if I say I'm broke. Link to comment
mustlovedogs Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 Thanks for your reply. It would be so much easier if her mother was an actual decent person that gives her daughter money when in need. But you are right, I'm really not obligated to lend her money at this point. I think I will have to put my foot down the next time she asks for money because lets be real, she's going to. Her mom doesn’t have to give her money. I have only borrowed money from my parents once, and it was when I didn’t budget well and ended up with like $0.97 in my bank account until my next paycheck. She’s got poor money management skills if maxing our credit cards is how she copes. That money comes due eventually. She needs to live somewhere she can afford. Live within her means. Find a way to make more money if she’s running tight. Her mom doesn’t *have* to support her. It’s nice if she does, but she’s an adult. ETA: She spends impulsively. Stop supporting that She doesn’t need a psychiatrist. She can use FREE on campus counseling. AND. When I was in college, $2600 would literally almost cover an entire semesters worth of expenses. Housing included. Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 Shakespeare said "neither a borrower nor a lender be" blimey , all these years I thought it was my mam who said that . Link to comment
mustlovedogs Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 A stupid mistake I've done that may come back to bite me is that I've told her how much savings I have (which is like 90% student loan money) so I am afraid she'll call me out on it if I say I'm broke. See, now you have flawed logic. Loan money IS NOT savings. Link to comment
annie-47 Posted December 10, 2018 Author Share Posted December 10, 2018 Her mom doesn’t have to give her money. I have only borrowed money from my parents once, and it was when I didn’t budget well and ended up with like $0.97 in my bank account until my next paycheck. She’s got poor money management skills if maxing our credit cards is how she copes. That money comes due eventually. She needs to live somewhere she can afford. Live within her means. Find a way to make more money if she’s running tight. Her mom doesn’t *have* to support her. It’s nice if she does, but she’s an adult. ETA: She spends impulsively. Stop supporting that She doesn’t need a psychiatrist. She can use FREE on campus counseling. AND. When I was in college, $2600 would literally almost cover an entire semesters worth of expenses. Housing included. Yeah you are correct, no one has to give her anything. She says she's trying to find a job as a nursing assistant, I really hope that works out... but she is very impulsive and sometimes makes rash decisions. You're very lucky!! $2600 is just shy of covering my quarterly tuition, not including housing. Link to comment
annie-47 Posted December 10, 2018 Author Share Posted December 10, 2018 See, now you have flawed logic. Loan money IS NOT savings. Sorry I guess what I mean to say is that that money is in my savings account, its not actually MY savings. Link to comment
mustlovedogs Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 Yeah you are correct, no one has to give her anything. She says she's trying to find a job as a nursing assistant, I really hope that works out... but she is very impulsive and sometimes makes rash decisions. You're very lucky!! $2600 is just shy of covering my quarterly tuition, not including housing. Tuition was extra, yes, but I had loans or scholarships to cover that. I assumed you weren’t lending her money for tuition. Just living expenses. Link to comment
milly007 Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 Stop lending her money. Establish boundaries. Ask her when you can expect the money back. Your savings account is none of her business. She owes you money, plain and simple and it’s expected that you’d be inquiring as to when she’ll be paying you back since she seems to be avoiding the subject and not paying you back as expected. Link to comment
melancholy123 Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 This is easily solved if you grow a backbone. Tell her no, you cannot loan her any more money as she already owes you $2600 that you got from another person. This is not your savings you are loaning her. She will never learn to stand on her own two feet if she is not forced to. You bailing her out solves nothing, she keeps borrowing because she knows you'll give it to her. The first time you say NO will be hard for you, but after that it'll get easier as I bet she comes back again wanting more money. This can end with you. It should end with you. Dont lend people money! I had a friend borrow $100 from me for her "sick cat" with many promises to pay me back in one month. Five years later I am still waiting for that hundred bucks. I would not lend anyone any money again. Link to comment
1a1a Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 Personally I’d mentally write off the current debt and consider it a gift to a struggling friend (you don’t have to tell her this thoigh and she may pleasantly surprise you. Next time she asks say you are unable to (and or uncomfortable with) loaning any money at this point. Don’t give reasons why, that gives her something to argue with Link to comment
DanZee Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 Oh, Lord. Giving money to someone with a personality disorder is like pouring gasoline on a fire. And you should never tell anyone how much money you have in your bank account ... or even in your pocket! Since she knows how much money you have, you have to tell her that YOU need it and she can't have it. You really shouldn't pay people to be your friend. And it's not like your friend even tells her mother about the loan. She just hopes to get enough money from mom to pay you off. I'm sure you have the fear that she's going to stiff you and leave you hanging. I think there's a good chance of that happening. You've got to stop loaning her money. I don't think she's capable of handling money. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 I'm going to guess you didn't write a formal loan with Botha your signatures on it? Unfortunately, it sounds to me like you were conned. A tough pill to swallow, when you think of this person as your friend. I only mention it so you can stop the bleeding from your wallet and hopefully learn a lesson from it for the future, even if it does cost you over two grand and some of your innocence about people. Personally, I learned this lesson over 25 bucks. And I did eventually get that back - happened to catch him right when he had cash in his literal hands. She hustled you. That's what you need to understand. She hustles her own mother- that should have tipped you off right there. Link to comment
Starlight925 Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 I don't care if you have 4 million dollars in your purse right now. It's not your friend's right to have the money. Nor is it your responsibility to loan it to her. You don't owe her any explanations. The word "No" is a complete sentence. Link to comment
annie-47 Posted December 10, 2018 Author Share Posted December 10, 2018 thanks all for being so blunt. I feel like I needed that tbh. Last week or so I gave her $200. A few days later she got really emotionally distraught because of something said to her at school and blew $100 on a piercing. Sent me a photo and then asked me for more money like: "I'm so sorry. I was just so upset". I find myself dreading house sitting for her next week... and actually, spending time with her in general... as horrible as that makes me sound. Link to comment
mustlovedogs Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 Back out of house sitting. Or tell her you’ll have to be compensated. Link to comment
milly007 Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 thanks all for being so blunt. I feel like I needed that tbh. Last week or so I gave her $200. A few days later she got really emotionally distraught because of something said to her at school and blew $100 on a piercing. Sent me a photo and then asked me for more money like: "I'm so sorry. I was just so upset". I find myself dreading house sitting for her next week... and actually, spending time with her in general... as horrible as that makes me sound. You’re enabling her, OP. Every time you give her money, you feed her careless need to spend. She’ll also keep coming back to you, asking for money, every time you give in. Stop giving her money! Agree with Mustlovedogs too! Don’t housesit unless you get paid. Link to comment
saluk Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 Nothing you've said sounds horrible. You tried to help out someone in need, but you've done more than you should be expected to. If you were rich, maybe, but you aren't in the position to be spending all you have to try and save this one person - especially when she keeps taking it and using on things that aren't actually helping. It may have been reasonable at first, but this has become a one-sided relationship and she's using you. If you don't want to spend time with her, don't. Tell her you can't lend her money any more, period. Maybe after you cut her off, she will still want to be friends, and you can get back to something that isn't toxic and one sided. If she wont be friends with you without you paying her, she's not a real friend. But if things stay as they are, you can't be a real friend either. Link to comment
annie-47 Posted December 10, 2018 Author Share Posted December 10, 2018 I agree, its like I didn't see it as enabling her because I was blinded by my pity for her situation. I realize it now that she probably doesn't *need* the money when she asks for it. It's really really hard for me to imagine my best friend conning me since I feel like I know her so well, but its very possible that's the case. Also she is going to pay me for house-sitting, or at least she says she is going to. Link to comment
mustlovedogs Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 I agree, its like I didn't see it as enabling her because I was blinded by my pity for her situation. I realize it now that she probably doesn't *need* the money when she asks for it. It's really really hard for me to imagine my best friend conning me since I feel like I know her so well, but its very possible that's the case. Also she is going to pay me for house-sitting, or at least she says she is going to. Ask for the money up front. Say you need it for groceries. Link to comment
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