Reconnected with this guy - Don't know what to do...

[milly007]

Yeah, I knew of someone whose job was to counsel others in their relationships. Her relationship, however, was an absolute mess. I witnessed her absolutely insane behavior with my own eyes. One of my good friends was a client of hers. When I told my friend the things this "counselor" was doing my friend was appalled. Really crazy stuff.

 

I know the way I behaved in my past relationships was completely and totally wrong. I'd like to see others not go through what I put myself through.

 

Milly, I recommend you go forward with your plan to casually suggest a date and place to meet up. I bet you'll have a great time.

 

Interesting. Well I'm going to give it a go, boltnrun. I predict a great time as well. Thanks!

[Jellybean9]

It's is so easily to suggest for someone else to do something when outside of the situation.

 

When it's a friend running to me asking for advice I can easily sit back and share my perspective.

 

But when it comes to my own situation my head is a mess.

 

Which is why when I posted on here for the first time it was great to share and get out of my own head. Also have it out of context from friends that know me too.

 

Gives you a chance to really think.

 

I stand by what I said Milly - Go and suggest that date and go from there.

 

Sounds like a sweet story after 6 years. You'll probably regret having the chance to meet and not follow through with it (well I would personally).

 

Good luck and please keep us all posted :)

[catfeeder]

But if I'm getting the feels, I tend to get too much in my own head and I'll sometimes either back away, or come across as closed-off, not interested, etc.

 

I'd like to think I'm not as bad as I used to be and do believe I'm getting better. I don't meet many men who I'm genuinely interested in though, so it's hard to say at this point whether I'd still be up to my old tricks, to be honest.

 

You're already up to them. You're being perfectionistic about offering someone a simple time and place for a hamburger. You'd rather stagnate in rumination and spin yourself into anxiety awaiting an invitation that must come perfectly presented and wrapped in a bow.

 

You dropped the ball on setting a better time and place when he asked you to meet him. I'd skip the spinning and pick up my phone to ask the guy if he's free on X night to meet you at X for that burger.

 

I hope you'll let us know how it goes.

[milly007]

It's is so easily to suggest for someone else to do something when outside of the situation.

 

When it's a friend running to me asking for advice I can easily sit back and share my perspective.

 

But when it comes to my own situation my head is a mess.

 

Which is why when I posted on here for the first time it was great to share and get out of my own head. Also have it out of context from friends that know me too.

 

Gives you a chance to really think.

 

I stand by what I said Milly - Go and suggest that date and go from there.

 

Sounds like a sweet story after 6 years. You'll probably regret having the chance to meet and not follow through with it (well I would personally).

 

Good luck and please keep us all posted :)

 

I agree, Jellybean. It's always easier to look at someone else's situation and see it more clearly than our own. I have a feeling most people feel this way. Hence why ENA exists. Lol. We all need that more objective feedback.

 

Thanks for your input. Will keep you posted.

[milly007]

You're already up to them. You're being perfectionistic about offering someone a simple time and place for a hamburger. You'd rather stagnate in rumination and spin yourself into anxiety awaiting an invitation that must come perfectly presented and wrapped in a bow.

 

You dropped the ball on setting a better time and place when he asked you to meet him. I'd skip the spinning and pick up my phone to ask the guy if he's free on X night to meet you at X for that burger.

 

I hope you'll let us know how it goes.

 

I will definitely keep you all posted, catfeeder. For sure.

[Batya33]

Ok, people seem to be focusing too much on this quick definition of love that I typed up. Please don't. I'm very much aware of what it takes to be in a loving relationship and realize that it isn't always peachy. To me, this is just common sense, tbh. This goes for all relationships, imo - whether between family members and friends, couples. They all have their highs and lows. If I expected love to always be sunshine and rainbows, I would not have stuck around in various relationships where boyfriends were struggling with stressful life events or when the relationship hit a snag.

 

Meanwhile, one of my brothers is always telling me to look after myself, because he knows I'm a giver and always looking out for everyone else. I'm there for all of the people I care about in my life, particularly during the tough times. I want the people that I care about to be happy and feel supported.

 

I also want to note that when experiencing lows and stressful situations in any relationship, I find it can make the relationship stronger and if anything, more loving.

 

Sorry, just don't want anyone to put words in my mouth.

 

Please know that I appreciate everyone's input here though on ENA. I know everyone here has good intentions and I cannot thank everyone enough for taking time out of their day to help me out.

 

It means a lot!

 

I agree with all that you said! All I can do is read what is typed. Typed words can have limitations. I hope you really enjoy and have fun meeting him!

[milly007]

I agree with all that you said! All I can do is read what is typed. Typed words can have limitations. I hope you really enjoy and have fun meeting him!

 

Thanks, Batya!

[bluecastle]

Dang—didn't this thread get wonderfully existential!? Y'all know you've hit my personal sweet spot when a text-y, app-y, emoji-heavy purgatory can metastasize into an inquisition on the definition of love.

 

Milly, I wouldn't get too much (more) into your head about all this. About what it means about your approach to love, to romance, to your independent nature, about what thorny commitment issues are simmering beneath the surface here. Yeah, there might be something to that simmer—but keep it on the back burner, low heat. Get that burger first. Burgers are tasty. Burgers are forever, regardless of who picks up the tab.

 

I think these situations are pretty common in app-land. We're all out there seeking connection, searching for feelings, clumsily and klutzily trying to make contact that sticks while fearing that very stickiness. Texting with a semi-stranger can feel "sticky" in an intoxicating way, much the way jumping into bed with one can, without the hassle of potential STDs and metaphoric cattle prods to the emotional equilibrium. It's kind of the digital version of the boyfriend/girlfriend experience—but, alas, limited. The pixilated high fades without IRL fuel, which I think is the lesson here.

 

In my early days on the apps (5 years ago) I remember getting into a few of these things. Kinda fun, kinda boring. Somewhere in there I just lost the ability to get genuinely excited about anyone I haven't met, regardless of what story I could tell based on five well-curated photos and/or the degree of wit and intelligence showcased in digitized bubbles. Coffee, a drink, a burger, a walk, a fling, a friend, a fun chat, a boring chat, a life partner: the only reason for the screen time is to see what lies outside the screen, you know?

 

Whatever happens when you meet him—even if it's, like, totally meh emoji, leading to a few hours of feeling sad face emoji—it's actually closer to the thing you want, the thing you're seeking. The dealbreaker is never going to be something that happened over the phone, save for the inexplicable breed of male who uses dating apps to send pics only a doctor or serious partner should ever see—a category that, thankfully, does not include this fine, shy dude.

 

Let us know how it goes. Sending stardust to burger joints across the land, hoping it reaches the one where you two meet up.

[Wiseman2]

He sounds too cheap, daft or cheeky to date normal adult women.

"Hey, go get a burger!". He says, "Only if you come with me. I'll eat anything if you come. Lol". I jokingly said that he should feel free to send me some recommended pizza restaurants. He responded, "Sure Milly, I'll send you some great recommendations. Be sure to invite me when you go, though. My treat!".

[Batya33]

He sounds too cheap, daft or cheeky to date normal adult women.

 

He's not asking her out on a date and he was joking. He's just being vague about setting a time and place to meet in person for a first meet.

[SherrySher]

This could be a book on "How to make a first date or meet as complicated as possible".

 

Someone has to say something on just meeting up. 11 pages worth!! My goodness. More talk than action and it's gotten no where.

 

I hope you just ask him to meet, see how it goes and then go from there.

[katrina1980]

One also has to wonder since it's this difficult simply scheduling a first meet, how much more difficult it will be actually dating and developing a relationship!

 

milly, at this point going against my earlier advice.

 

Just abort mission, clearly there is something (other than anxiety - we all feel anxious at this stage in the game) preventing you from doing something as simple as scheduling a first 'meet' with a man you know is into you, which is not a good sign.

 

Firm believer in following your gut; your gut is screaming something at you, perhaps something you don't want to admit cause you feel you "should" like him and want to meet.

 

While at the same time, that "something" feels off.

 

Listen to that voice milly, jmo.

[milly007]

Hi Guys,

 

Well, to be fair, a lot of the posts in this thread include me thanking everyone for their advice (because I really, really appreciate it), and it seems to have evolved into general discussions as well.

 

Seems a fairly solid consensus was reached a ways back in this thread.

 

I'm currently spending time with friends who are in the city for the next week.

 

I haven't been spending too much time thinking about this because, let's face it, we know what needs to be done.

 

I'm just taking a step back right now because although I know what I need to do, I have lots on the go currently and just need time to clear my head.

 

Your most recent post Katrina came at a good time - as if you're reading my mind!

[SherrySher]

I kind of am thinking the same thing, if it's this hard to just text him and make a date for this week or next week, then something's not right.

You're either not as close as you thought, you're scared of him, you're not as into him...whatever the reason.

 

But I think me, (like most others), thought you would have at least texted him by now and made a date, even if its a week away.

 

Good luck to you. If it doesn't feel right at this point, probably best to leave it.