Reconnected with this guy - Don't know what to do...

[milly007]

I understand. Why do you want to be in a committed relationship?

 

Because I love being in love, with one person in a committed relationship. I've never been one for casual relationships or serial dating.

 

Do I want marriage? Yes, absolutely with the right person.

[milly007]

You're in your own way. You're on a dating site to meet people, not to fluff around with texts. Skip that, propose a time and place to meet. Turning down the spontaneous ask was no biggie, except that you said 'soon' instead of WHEN.

 

The problem with engaging a big text-fest is that you build too much fantasy into this One Guy, and then every vowel becomes a big deal for you. Back up, recall your whole PURPOSE for messing with a dating app in the first place, and go grab a coffee or a burger with the guy to check one another out.

 

If he turns out to be unattractive to you, you will NOT thank yourself for all of this wheel spinning and time wasting and making up rules.

 

Thanks, catfeeder. You're right - so very right.

[Wiseman2]

Lol could be the fwb zone.

if he’s only been engaging with the intention to friend-zone me, I’ll eat my hat. Lol.

[milly007]

Lol could be the fwb zone.

 

Lol. You could be onto something, WM. Still, I'd eat my hat. :)

 

Just don't hold me to it.

[Batya33]

Because I love being in love, with one person in a committed relationship. I've never been one for casual relationships or serial dating.

 

Do I want marriage? Yes, absolutely with the right person.

 

Yes, the feeling of being in love is great. To me it is also -and mainly- about giving -loving is giving. What do you love about giving love and receiving love? I wanted marriage starting at around age 19 or 20. I got married when I became the right person to find the right person. I also loved being in love (still do!) and I wasn't, for a long time, motivated enough to give and receive love to someone who felt the same about me and/or to recognize who was right for me as a person. I think I was somewhat more into the thrill of the chase, men who were not available (no, not married or taken - meaning not that into me, so reserved as to be really challenging to reach in a bonding way, etc) and I also needed enough self-esteem to know my worth. And - part of it was luck, timing and me working my tail off and being proactive about meeting people and being out there and grabbing every opportunity I could to meet people. I mean people -men and women -because so often I met really good/great guys through women, and my friendships with women and friendships with men.

[katrina1980]

milly, how long have your relationships typically lasted?

 

Were you in love with them?

 

Some people love the idea of being in love and in a committed RL, but when it becomes an actual reality, their fears kick in and they either start self-sabotaging or running/ghosting.

 

What's your history/pattern?

[milly007]

Yes, the feeling of being in love is great. To me it is also -and mainly- about giving -loving is giving. What do you love about giving love and receiving love? I wanted marriage starting at around age 19 or 20. I got married when I became the right person to find the right person. I also loved being in love (still do!) and I wasn't, for a long time, motivated enough to give and receive love to someone who felt the same about me and/or to recognize who was right for me as a person. I think I was somewhat more into the thrill of the chase, men who were not available (no, not married or taken - meaning not that into me, so reserved as to be really challenging to reach in a bonding way, etc) and I also needed enough self-esteem to know my worth. And - part of it was luck, timing and me working my tail off and being proactive about meeting people and being out there and grabbing every opportunity I could to meet people. I mean people -men and women -because so often I met really good/great guys through women, and my friendships with women and friendships with men.

 

What's not to love about being in love? It's a high, basically - but in the best possible way. You get to share the highs and lows of life with someone, and if it's someone you're in love with, they're essentially a best friend (at least for me). The partnership, the camaraderie, the laughter and sharing of life stories and events, the expression of love and physical intimacy and the emotional and mental stimulation. I luv it all.

[milly007]

milly, how long have your relationships typically lasted?

 

Were you in love with them?

 

Some people love the idea of being in love and in a committed RL, but when it becomes an actual reality, their fears kick in and they either start self-sabotaging or running/ghosting.

 

What's your history/pattern?

 

Well I don't want to reveal too much personal info or details about my relationship history here. Makes me a tad bit uncomfy.

 

But I will say this, I've been in love. However, like your brother, I'm more than capable of investing in people where my emotions are not involved. That's easy. But if I'm getting the feels, I tend to get too much in my own head and I'll sometimes either back away, or come across as closed-off, not interested, etc.

 

I'd like to think I'm not as bad as I used to be and do believe I'm getting better. I don't meet many men who I'm genuinely interested in though, so it's hard to say at this point whether I'd still be up to my old tricks, to be honest.

 

Yet when I look at my relationships with family members and good friends, I'm very affectionate and open. I'd give them the world if I could.

[katrina1980]

 

 

What's not to love about being in love? It's a high, basically....

 

I'm not one to argue about how some define love, but imo the "high" you describe above is infatuation, and a sort of temporary insanity which can lead to love, but isn't "love" in the true and lasting sense.

 

JMO but believing this is love is somewhat idealistic and when that "high" subsides (which it will eventually replaced with something more substantial, nurturing and stable) many believe they have fallen out of love and break up.

 

 

You get to share the highs and lows of life with someone, and if it's someone you're in love with, they're essentially a best friend (at least for me). The partnership, the camaraderie, the laughter and sharing of life stories and events, the expression of love and physical intimacy and the emotional and mental stimulation. I luv it.

all.

 

Agree with this!

[Batya33]

What's not to love about being in love? It's a high, basically - but in the best possible way. You get to share the highs and lows of life with someone, and if it's someone you're in love with, they're essentially a best friend (at least for me). The partnership, the camaraderie, the laughter and sharing of life stories and events, the expression of love and physical intimacy and the emotional and mental stimulation. I luv it all.

 

I never said that I didn't love that. To me if you want marriage to someone then it's a good idea to prioritize loving as giving not just loving as a feeling. And that is because even if the feeling is not as strong at a particular moment, a healthy marriage requires giving love anyway even if you don't "feel like it" as much or even if you're upset, cranky, hangry, etc. Loving the feeling of being in love can tend to be a bit more self-absorbed than the giving aspect of love.

 

I'll give you an example. The religious officiant who performed our wedding required us to meet with him before the wedding so he could get to know us and pronounce us suitable for marriage lol. He said "ok I'm not going to ask you two if you love each other - (he assumed we did for one thing but he didn't find it as important as his question) - I want to know if you like each other - if you like hanging out with each other and what you like to do together." We looked at each other and smiled and I think the first thing we said was we liked watching old tv show reruns (a particular sitcom). He smiled broadly and I'm not sure what he said but he loved our answer.

 

If your focus is on finding a feeling - on feeling "in love" with a person then you might not have the tools needed to maintain a healthy happy long term marriage during those ebb and flow times -the ebb times in particular. Because the feeling can be the glue that holds you together -the memory of the feeling during the harder times, being able to reinvigorate the "spark" but you also need the front line on the ground tools to give love and kindness and compassion and care even when you really are not feeling it for whatever reason. And him too. Love is a choice at those times - it's not the car wash feeling of the "high" which is more of a passive state. A loving marriage requires far more actions of love than coasting on the high -and actions even when the high seems under the surface or simply not there at the moment.

[katrina1980]

 

... like your brother, I'm more than capable of investing in people where my emotions are not involved. That's easy.

 

But if I'm getting the feels, I tend to get too much in my own head and I'll sometimes either back away, or come across as closed-off, not interested, etc.

 

Yet when I look at my relationships with family members and good friends, I'm very affectionate and open. I'd give them the world if I could.

 

I hesitate to label you mills but the bolded is classic commitment phobe/avoidant behavior.

[milly007]

I'm not one to argue about how some define love, but imo the "high" you describe above is infatuation, and a sort of temporary insanity which can lead to love, but isn't "love" in the true and lasting sense.

 

JMO but believing this is love is somewhat idealistic and when that "high" subsides (which it will eventually replaced with something more substantial, nurturing and stable) many believe they have fallen out of love and break up.

 

 

 

Agree with this!

 

 

I just want to note that I didn't spend too much time defining this. I was just typing off the top of my head.

 

I'd like to think I have a realistic view of love. I know relationships take work and I don't expect loving relationships to be all sunshine and rainbows. I really don't.

[Batya33]

I just want to note that I didn't spend too much time defining this. I was just typing off the top of my head.

 

I'd like to think I have a realistic view of love. I know relationships take work and I don't expect loving relationships to be all sunshine and rainbows. I really don't.

 

Oh I can tell you don't. I learned a long time ago that it was important to differentiate between loving as a feeling and loving as giving. My mother helped me a lot with this. She had a very difficult and challenging 62 year marriage (ended because my father passed away). So I credit her for that and others guided me in this way too. It's not about "all sunshine and rainbows" or going from one extreme to another and pronouncing your expectations normal because you don't expect all bliss -it's far more subtle and IMO requires a lot of humility and self-honesty of what you as an individual are willing to give up in exchange for commitment and marriage - because it does require a level of compromise, sacrifice, humility and often those things have nothing to do with the "high" you mentioned about being "in love".

[milly007]

I never said that I didn't love that. To me if you want marriage to someone then it's a good idea to prioritize loving as giving not just loving as a feeling. And that is because even if the feeling is not as strong at a particular moment, a healthy marriage requires giving love anyway even if you don't "feel like it" as much or even if you're upset, cranky, hangry, etc. Loving the feeling of being in love can tend to be a bit more self-absorbed than the giving aspect of love.

 

I'll give you an example. The religious officiant who performed our wedding required us to meet with him before the wedding so he could get to know us and pronounce us suitable for marriage lol. He said "ok I'm not going to ask you two if you love each other - (he assumed we did for one thing but he didn't find it as important as his question) - I want to know if you like each other - if you like hanging out with each other and what you like to do together." We looked at each other and smiled and I think the first thing we said was we liked watching old tv show reruns (a particular sitcom). He smiled broadly and I'm not sure what he said but he loved our answer.

 

If your focus is on finding a feeling - on feeling "in love" with a person then you might not have the tools needed to maintain a healthy happy long term marriage during those ebb and flow times -the ebb times in particular. Because the feeling can be the glue that holds you together -the memory of the feeling during the harder times, being able to reinvigorate the "spark" but you also need the front line on the ground tools to give love and kindness and compassion and care even when you really are not feeling it for whatever reason. And him too. Love is a choice at those times - it's not the car wash feeling of the "high" which is more of a passive state. A loving marriage requires far more actions of love than coasting on the high -and actions even when the high seems under the surface or simply not there at the moment.

 

Hey B, I wasn't implying that you didn't love these things. I was only replying to your question, "What do you love about giving and receiving love?". That's all.

[Batya33]

I'm not one to argue about how some define love, but imo the "high" you describe above is infatuation, and a sort of temporary insanity which can lead to love, but isn't "love" in the true and lasting sense.

 

JMO but believing this is love is somewhat idealistic and when that "high" subsides (which it will eventually replaced with something more substantial, nurturing and stable) many believe they have fallen out of love and break up.

 

 

 

Agree with this!

 

I don't argue with how an individual person defines the feeling of love. If to that person the focus of love is a feeling rather than giving then in my opinion that person will have a hard time finding a happy long term committed relationship. But that's not about how that person defines "love". Milly -you wrote that you questioned why I didn't think being in love was great. That's why I responded as I did.

 

For me personally love can feel like a high and so can infatuation. The high of love is not limited to romantic love. It can be hard to differentiate between the two. Some people I am sure would not consider the high feeling to be love -just my personal opinion.

[milly007]

I don't argue with how an individual person defines the feeling of love. If to that person the focus of love is a feeling rather than giving then in my opinion that person will have a hard time finding a happy long term committed relationship. But that's not about how that person defines "love". Milly -you wrote that you questioned why I didn't think being in love was great. That's why I responded as I did.

 

For me personally love can feel like a high and so can infatuation. The high of love is not limited to romantic love. It can be hard to differentiate between the two. Some people I am sure would not consider the high feeling to be love -just my personal opinion.

 

Oh sorry, B. My "what's not to love about being love" was more of a comment. Didn't mean to pose it as a question to you. Sorry! Should have left that question mark out.

[katrina1980]

 

I don't argue with how an individual person defines the feeling of love.

 

 

I wasn't suggesting you did or were B, my response was to milly.

 

But thanks for clarifying!

[milly007]

Oh I can tell you don't..

 

Batya, are you saying that you can tell that I don't have a realistic view of love? Just want to make sure we're not getting our wires crossed.

[milly007]

I hesitate to label you mills but the bolded is classic commitment phobe/avoidant behavior.

 

I know. I've honestly often wondered about this, so it's nothing new to me, tbh.

 

Edit - But like I mentioned, I rarely meet guys I'm genuinely interested in, so I'm not sure if my behavior is any different these days.

[Batya33]

Batya, are you saying that you can tell that I don't have a realistic view of love? Just want to make sure we're not getting our wires crossed.

 

Nope, never wrote or meant that. I simply gave my opinion about your apparent focus on the feeling and high of being in love and how that might affect your pursuit of a committed relationship/marriage. That is how I interpreted what you wrote about love. FWIW I think it's completely realistic to view love as a feeling. It is a feeling. I was commenting about committed relationships and specifically marriage. Love is part of a committed relationship of course, but not the whole thing.

[milly007]

Nope, never wrote or meant that. I simply gave my opinion about your apparent focus on the feeling and high of being in love and how that might affect your pursuit of a committed relationship/marriage. That is how I interpreted what you wrote about love. FWIW I think it's completely realistic to view love as a feeling. It is a feeling. I was commenting about committed relationships and specifically marriage. Love is part of a committed relationship of course, but not the whole thing.

 

Ok, people seem to be focusing too much on this quick definition of love that I typed up. Please don't. I'm very much aware of what it takes to be in a loving relationship and realize that it isn't always peachy. To me, this is just common sense, tbh. This goes for all relationships, imo - whether between family members and friends, couples. They all have their highs and lows. If I expected love to always be sunshine and rainbows, I would not have stuck around in various relationships where boyfriends were struggling with stressful life events or when the relationship hit a snag.

 

Meanwhile, one of my brothers is always telling me to look after myself, because he knows I'm a giver and always looking out for everyone else. I'm there for all of the people I care about in my life, particularly during the tough times. I want the people that I care about to be happy and feel supported.

 

I also want to note that when experiencing lows and stressful situations in any relationship, I find it can make the relationship stronger and if anything, more loving.

 

Sorry, just don't want anyone to put words in my mouth.

 

Please know that I appreciate everyone's input here though on ENA. I know everyone here has good intentions and I cannot thank everyone enough for taking time out of their day to help me out.

 

It means a lot!

[milly007]

If any of you are interested, please check out a video on Facebook by Steve Bartlett. It's called "The Biggest Killer of Relationships in 2018".

 

I tried to find a link to post in this thread, but this particular video is only available via Facebook. He has other shorter videos posted on YouTube, but this particular video seems to be only available via FB.

 

I found it interesting and somewhat on par with some of the discussions that have come out of this thread (Re: online dating, how easily disposable relationships can be these days, expectations, etc.).

 

If you google Steve Bartlett and the name of the video, it should take you directly to the video via your FB account.

 

Please watch! Would luv to hear your thoughts.

[figureitout23]

I don’t have anything to add, I just find regular posters posts more and more fascinating as time goes on. It seems we all wear masks but when asking for advice those cracks shine bright like a diamond don’t they?

[milly007]

I don’t have anything to add, I just find regular posters posts more and more fascinating as time goes on. It seems we all wear masks but when asking for advice those cracks shine bright like a diamond don’t they?

 

So true, figureitout. Plus, I find it's easier to look at someone else's situation and see things more clearly and give advice.

 

However, when it comes to my own experiences, it isn't always so clear. I'm assuming it's because I'm too much in my own head. Plus, it's hard to look at things objectively when you're directly a part of the situation.

 

An acquaintance and I were actually discussing this last week and I said exactly what I mentioned above. I can see the issues in other peoples situations, just not my own.

 

She told me about problems she was having with this guy she met and asked for advice. It was easy for me to say, "hey, why don't you try .......". Yet, I couldn't see the forest from the trees in terms of my own situation. Could she? Of course.

 

Interesting to hear your perspective though, FIO - about the mask statement. I guess I never thought of myself as masking.

[boltnrun]

Yeah, I knew of someone whose job was to counsel others in their relationships. Her relationship, however, was an absolute mess. I witnessed her absolutely insane behavior with my own eyes. One of my good friends was a client of hers. When I told my friend the things this "counselor" was doing my friend was appalled. Really crazy stuff.

 

I know the way I behaved in my past relationships was completely and totally wrong. I'd like to see others not go through what I put myself through.

 

Milly, I recommend you go forward with your plan to casually suggest a date and place to meet up. I bet you'll have a great time.