My boyfriend is moving away and doesn't want me to come with him.

[Hollyj]

Hey it sounds like your man isn't being a man. Try asking yourself how you feel about that and see what thoughts come up. Creative and logical thoughts are the ones that will give you the most insight for Yourself about this situation. He needs maturity if he wants to keep you or any woman, "you" (he) can't be a boy forever (well "you" can but).

 

He has wanted to do this for a long time. He should not change his plans.

 

Unfortunately, he does not want to keep her, but is stringing her along until January. It is her choice not to continue with this and make the best choice for herself. She is not helpless. The info has been presented to her, and she has to make the right the decision.

 

I don't know what that "my person" crap is. I think a platonic friend could say the same. She needs to ditch this guy.

[Starlight925]

I don't know what that "my person" crap is. I think a platonic friend could say the same. She needs to ditch this guy.

 

LOL, I said the exact same thing in my post #6.

 

IMO, it's a way to verbally distance oneself from another. Instead of saying that they see a future, and they want to build a relationship, they use "my person". Maybe I'm just too old. I don't snapchat either.

[Hollyj]

LOL, I said the exact same thing in my post #6.

 

IMO, it's a way to verbally distance oneself from another. Instead of saying that they see a future, and they want to build a relationship, they use "my person". Maybe I'm just too old. I don't snapchat either.

 

I agree. He keeps her hanging with that nonsense. I would have asked him what the hell does that mean.

 

I don't do snapchat either.

[DancingFool]

He is very much a boy, he hasn't really experienced much of the world at all or any real responsibility. He lives with his Mum and only really moved out to go to university. I feel like he needs the time to go away and maybe one day he will come back and realise what we have. Or maybe not!

 

For this reason alone, I would end things now rather than drag things out over the holidays. It would be better for you actually to focus on friends and family and have some sense of closure and control as you said in your previous post instead of going through the holidays knowing that it's all just a show for lack of a better term because he is still leaving and moving on shortly after.

 

The other aspect of ending things now is that you can end things while you still like and respect each other. Meaning that you can part ways on the note of "once you are done with your travels and self discovery, you can look me up and if we are both still single and interested, we can reconnect and see where things take us." You can leave the door open while still moving forward with your life. A if it's meant to be it will be kind of a thing. Who knows, maybe he'll be back in 6 months a more mature man who is actually ready for the life that you want and capable of giving it to you. Then again, he might choose to carry on with his travels and never return. So very important that you wish him well and truly let go and move on with your life and dating others.

[Hollyj]

What is his current job?

[Annia]

He has wanted to do this for a long time. He should not change his plans.

 

Unfortunately, he does not want to keep her, but is stringing her along until January. It is her choice not to continue with this and make the best choice for herself. She is not helpless. The info has been presented to her, and she has to make the right the decision.

 

I don't know what that "my person" crap is. I think a platonic friend could say the same. She needs to ditch this guy.

 

I agree. Besides, though the fact that he never had a long relationship might mean a redflag, I don't think this guy did anything wrong per se like some people seem to be implying. He had this plan before meeting her, and at dating with someone 5 months, it's too short of a time to change his plans or to plan his life around her. And she always knew he had this plan. Maybe the only thing he could've been better was in not pursuing a relationship knowing he had no wishes of following through since he wants to move and not have plans and also trying to string her along until January. But besides that, he always put it on the open and the choice to have a relationship was mutual.

Nor him nor her should make life changing plans or move/don't move just because of each other. They're not at that stage, it's too soon.

 

I also don't know what "my person" means in this context. As I said, I'd treat this as a break up and I wouldn't be waiting around for him.

[thisisrichey]

He made this clear a long time ago (from the beginning) - so any "lost", "broken", etc. has been self-imposed.

All of the things you write as to why it should be any different than what your bf says is "I" "me" "i" "me" - remember a relationship and what is meant to be takes 2, not 1.

You yourself know how important finding one's self is and self exploration and self happiness is - it would be a bit selfish to knowingly NOT let him have this by letting YOUR personal needs get in the way.

 

Lastly. why does everything have to be black and white? Why must it be all or nothing? Why does everybody think this way?

 

You need to let him go to do what he needs. You can agree or try to keep in touch and keep a connection (or atleast try) and be SUPPORTIVE of his venture (yes.. mutual SUPPORT is extremely important and needed in a truly healthy and lasting relationship). Why can't and haven't you ever once thought of maybe being supportive of this?

 

It won't be easy no.

but it's possible yes

But it takes strong people and a connection where both people find that it's worth it to make it happen.

 

Your reaction to this point does not show that you are that person - you've been far too immersed in your needs and wants and what's convenenient for you. Turn that around and support him, be the person who can - and you never know.

 

OR. you can just move on b/c you already know you can't be that person.

 

Good luck.

[Nauruan]

I really appreciate all this input and has really given me a lot to think about. I don't want him to change his plans and have always been clear about that, I would hate for him to stay and I know the resentment that would bring. I suppose I just got swept along with it all, it was an almost perfect summer and the memories shall never leave me of that. He told me he loved me first as I was insistent not to say it as I was trying to keep things light and casual (with the impending departure), but I don't think he has done anything wrong and don't think it is in his character to do anything to intentionally hurt or take advantage of others. I do think he has been very confused about it all, as he said it is a massive thing for him to be moving to another country let alone also be moving away from someone he loves.

 

I'm definitely consumed with fear at the moment of loss, but I do want to support him. That may mean not being with him though. I want more than anything for him to have the experience he is hoping for and more, I want him to develop and learn and not feel trapped by me.

 

Re the my "person" thing.. I did ask what he meant and he said the person to share your life with, he then said "Do you not think we're each others person?" At which point I was just crying. I did ask also the other day when he told me about not being sure about being in a long term relationship, what he meant by the "person" thing, and he said the same thing. The person to share your life with. (But that could be like a friend or anything right?)

 

Job wise, at the moment he does admin sort of stuff and hasn't taught English before.

[DancingFool]

Well...he is 28 years old, still living with his parents, has no real career, is moving away to find himself and get on his feet, aka grow up. This is not what you call a catch or the love of your life. He is not in a position to build anything with you as harsh at this sounds. You seem very stuck on his sweet whispering and romantic language....but his reality doesn't support his words.

 

Let him go. No strings. Leave him to explore and grow up. His desire to get away is actually a positive in the sense that he seems deep down aware that his situation in life is not what it should be and that he needs to challenge himself to be more. Right now he is a manchild, but seems like he is actively seeking to finally grow into a man. Leave the door open for him to reach out to you later, but let him go today. No strings, no attachments, no hindrance. Set him free and if he matures and seeks you out again, it will be worth it to you.

[Poppy1]

I know of a couple who were in a similar position. One of my best friends got a scholorship to study overseas for a year, but she'd been dating this guy for about 6 months. In the end, she gave up her dream to live overseas, and instead, she stayed to see how their relationship played out because she just had a feeling he was pretty special. They ended up falling deeply in love, got married and now have three kids. She doesn't regret it one bit. Yeah, it was her dream to live overseas and be 'free' and 'independent', but he was also her dream.

 

I don't think following your boyfriend to Japan is a great idea when you haven't been dating very long, best option is for him to stay. If he doesn't, well... there's your answer. And like you said, long-distance is not a good idea for you. I tried it once, and it was awful. I read somewhere that you need to treat a LDR not as a relationship, but as the promise of one.

[Realitynut]

lol....I'm so old, I don't even know what snap chat is!!!!!! lol

[LotusBlack]

I have to say, Nauruan, that the other posters are right - as much as it hurts, you should cut this off. I have experience both making the choice you want to make (moving to another country to be with someone) and living in Japan. I just moved from Japan to England after having lived there for the past 3 years (and I only withstood it there because I had a financial goal that allowed me to overcome the many, MANY obstacles I faced and the mental/emotional abuse I sustained). It is not an easy country to live in, especially for women. It is socially isolating, the work culture is challenging to the point of it causing a suicide epidemic in adults (though, to be fair, that effects men more than women), the amount of discrimination a foreigner faces when they wish to be a resident rather than a tourist is unfathomable, and even more so when you come from a very liberal culture and find yourself forced to conform. They have a proverb there that the nail that sticks out gets hit. Any form of independence or individuality is not welcome on a whole.

 

I worked as a very well-paid university lecturer and even so, I was not allowed to do a single thing on my own in terms of setting myself up. I never ended up getting a phone plan in that whole time because I was discriminated against despite having all the necessary documentation to support opening an account. I was denied the right to even APPLY for rental properties in an entire prefecture simply because I'm not Japanese. I was only allowed to sign a lease if the company I worked for went guarantor on my behalf.

 

I was chastised publicly (in front of other colleagues) because I wasn't "genki" enough in the staff room the day after my mother died. They have a collective mindset, which means that your business will not remain private regardless of whether or not you have told your boss to not disclose particular information to others - colleagues or clients). And the list goes on. I wish I could say that living in Japan is easy, but it isn't, it's soul crushing for many men and women, including Japanese citizens. It has amazing history and so many beautiful and wonderful aspects. The culture in a lot of ways is fascinating and you can learn so much from being there. For the most part, people are friendly and caring, but living there is not the same as visiting and the level of red-tape is insane. In addition, if things don't work out with your boyfriend and you hope to remain in Japan, the very reality is that you may find yourself very socially and romantically isolated.

 

As for the relationship side of things. My ex and I were together for 8 months when we moved back to his country. We met when we were in university. He was there on exchange for 1 year. We were both a bit older than the average student (we were 24 years old) and we fell in love. The problem was, we met just 8 months before his time there would conclude. At about 6 months we had to decide whether to end the relationship or see if we could make it work. We decided to make it work. We planned for me to move back to his country with him. And, unlike in your situation, we were both on the same page with that. We both looked at what kind of responsibilities we'd have to each other and ourselves. We knew what we were getting into and were prepared to make the sacrifices we needed to in order to make it happen. And still, with all that love and commitment, we couldn't make it work and it hurt like hell when I realised that fact. And it hurt even more when I knew what I would have to do. I couldn't remain in Germany and not love him and want to make things work, so I had to walk (or fly) away from him. He was a good man and a decent person and that made it harder. It was so hard, that I couldn't even warn him I was leaving otherwise I wouldn't be able to follow through with it as I'd tried several times already, without success; I kept cancelling my flight, hoping that if I just gave it more time, it'd be alright. But it wasn't. And I can tell you, it was the most emotionally painful thing I've ever been through. The truth is, I should never have gotten on that plane from my home country to his in the first place. And it took me 2 years to get over it and we were together only 1 year. Don't do this to yourself. Japan is not a country that is easy to live in unless you have your wits about you and you can handle the racism, discrimination, isolation, mental/emotional/professional exhaustion, etc. And unless you believe you can come out of this relationship without needing time to recover (because that will be what you're expected to do) and still withstand life in Japan, this is not the right choice for you.

[Honeycomb8]

I really wouldn't be moving continents or be willing to shift my whole life for someone I've known only 5 months, nor would I be giving up my dream of living in another country. He'd be silly to stay and I think it's completely normal for him to focus on his want to go.

 

The member saying love is more important than an amazing opportunity or career must have never been offered that fantastic opportunity...? Giving up on a dream leads to resentment. Let him go, if it's meant to work out eventually it would.

[Wiseman2]

Stop worrying. He doesn't "feel trapped by you" because his plans were set before he met you and he is pursuing them regardless of meeting you and sharing a romantic few months. Neither of you need to feel guilty or hurt or anything negative for that matter. You met, had a great time and a nice chapter in both your lives. Now life goes on to the next chapter. His in Japan and yours in wherever you want it to be. It is actually all very positive.

not feel trapped by me.

[Honeycomb8]

^ as blunt as that is, that is truly the reality of things.

[Awanderer]

It sounds to me like he wants to keep his options open to do whatever piques his interest when he gets there, but he doesn't mind keeping you on the back burner as a backup play thing. I think you should accept that he does not want to commit to you and move on. Don't get caught up in him saying you're his "person". For God's sake, he couldn't even call you his girlfriend, but made it very generic "person". Don't waste a bunch of time waiting and hoping he'll figure out he wants you after all. You deserve someone that is TOTALLY in to you and KNOWS they want to be with you, not someone who does NOT want you to move with him and doesn't think he ever wants a long term relationship. As long as you hold on to this guy, you might be missing out on a guy that really is THE ONE.