reinventmyself Posted October 29, 2018 Share Posted October 29, 2018 You are still attached and addicted if you are hoping he contacts you. Even if you believe you are done and working towards it, the mere fact that you hope he reaches shows that you still allow him to define your self worth. As if, if he calls then you are still valuable. But here's the rub. He's garbage. You are allowing garbage to define you. You should think more of yourself than to think his attention is compliment. It's actually an insult to you. Him still contacting you states nothing more then him knowing he still has a hold on you and has an open invitation to screw with your head any time he feels like it. Block him. Put a stop to it. That's how you get your self esteem back. You put a stop to the abuse and say no to allowing anyone to use you this way ever again. It starts with you. How long did your ex contact you after you cut off contact? And how often? Link to comment
keelyflood Posted October 30, 2018 Author Share Posted October 30, 2018 He messaged me today saying “hope you’re doing better than great Keely.” I know this is a game and he is insincere and trying to lure me back in somehow. I know he does not hope I’m well but actually hopes I am nothing without him. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted October 30, 2018 Share Posted October 30, 2018 He messaged me today saying “hope you’re doing better than great Keely.” I know this is a game and he is insincere and trying to lure me back in somehow. I know he does not hope I’m well but actually hopes I am nothing without him. So, what are you going to do about it? Link to comment
keelyflood Posted October 30, 2018 Author Share Posted October 30, 2018 Abstain and block Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted October 30, 2018 Share Posted October 30, 2018 Abstain and block Atta girl :) Link to comment
Unreasonable Posted November 1, 2018 Share Posted November 1, 2018 If you're questioning if he's a sociopath, then you should be happy if he doesn't return. Link to comment
keelyflood Posted November 2, 2018 Author Share Posted November 2, 2018 I had a slip up and I am not proud of it. I ended up drinking with friends, unblocking him and getting into conversation. It started off with his saying he did miss me and still loves me. Told me I was a great gf and that he still reads the letter I wrote him and cried. He then moved onto asking if I was talking to other guys and getting snippy telling me he knew I was and to have fun with “rebounds”. Next he was telling me he never wanted to be with me again and that there was no hope, he never wanted a relationship like ours again and suddenly he’s calling me on the phone to talk. I apologized the next morning for bothering him and saying the nasty things I said and that I’d be leaving him alone to which he said “it’s ok Keely I can talk to you anytime so long as I’m not busy or at work”. He is insane but I messed up. I have since blocked him and don’t plan on drinking. Just feeling pathetic about it all. Link to comment
Honeycomb8 Posted November 2, 2018 Share Posted November 2, 2018 It's okay. We all stuff up. Just know that he does this to get sick satisfaction over the control he has over u. Also, it's just an ego thing. He likes and finds it heavily amusing you can't get over him. I suggest changing your number. Your convo seems so familiar to me. I've had something similar with a particular ex one too many times. But then I finally broke free. If I can do it, so can you. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted November 2, 2018 Share Posted November 2, 2018 Stop getting drunk and begging to get back with him if "he's a sociopath". Drunk dialing a "sociopath" is "insane". If you deleted and blocked all his contact info this wouldn't be going on. However you seem to love playing these love/hate, hot/cold, on/off games with him. I ended up drinking with friends, unblocking him and getting into conversation. he was telling me he never wanted to be with me again and that there was no hope. I apologized the next morning for bothering him and saying the nasty things. Link to comment
keelyflood Posted November 3, 2018 Author Share Posted November 3, 2018 What are some things those of you who can relate to my situation did or took part in to be proactive about healing and moving forward? Aside from therapy— which I am in 3 times a week currently and also on medication. Just looking for other outlets and ideas! Link to comment
boltnrun Posted November 3, 2018 Share Posted November 3, 2018 Don't get drunk and contact him. Don't contact him again when sober to "apologize". Don't invent excuses to contact him. Delete his info from your phone and block his number, his email, etc. Delete him from social media and "unfollow" him on social media platforms. Don't ask his friends or family for info on him and stop them when they tell you what he's doing or saying about you. Expect to "miss" him. Realize that just because you miss him it doesn't mean you should go back for more abuse. Lean on your friends, family and therapist for support. Realize that he is bad for you. He will never stop abusing you because he likes to abuse you. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted November 3, 2018 Share Posted November 3, 2018 Block and delete him and all his people from all your devices, messaging apps, contact lists and social media...and stop chasing him. Get a restraining order if he has a habit of showing up, stalking, etc. You can journal and reach out to associations which specialize in abusive relationships. Also go online and start researching "abusers red flags" and "signs of abusive relationships". Order some of the many excellent books on abusive relationships and some books on what healthy relationships look like. Use this time to educate yourself.Aside from therapy— which I am in 3 times a week currently and also on medication. Link to comment
smJackson Posted November 5, 2018 Share Posted November 5, 2018 Keely, My heart goes out to you because just a few months ago, I was sick over a man that i KNEW didnt give a damn about me. He had been distant and wouldn't answer my calls at night, and I knew he had met someone else at his new job. His fluctuations of anger, wrath then love--the push/pull all kept me off balance. In a moment of brutal honesty, he told me he didnt give a f*** about me and never did. Then he rejected me harshly by telling me to get the f*** away from him and get out his personal space. Then he drew his fist back like he was going to hit me. I figured that abandonment was coming soon, or a punch in the face, or both, and I wasn't going to hang around for either. He had reopened a childhood abandonment wound in me--because my own mother & father hadn't given a f*** about me to raise me or stay in my life--and abuse was all I had ever known-- from foster homes & other lovers-- and that's what pushed me clean over the edge- and gave me the strength to leave him forever. He had wounded me too deeply this time. I could never trust him with my heart, body or emotions EVER again. He wont ever have to worry about getting a phone call from me again in this lifetime. I wiped him out of my life, as if he never existed, just like I did my parents and anyone else that has deeply wounded me. This is my story Keely. Your story is still being written. We understand that leaving isn't easy. And you will one day reach your breaking point Keely. You will one day break free. You will one day be happy again. Keely, I also agree that you should stay off of Tinder. There are supportive groups on Facebook that will provide moment to moment support like those of us here at enotalone. Hang in there!! Link to comment
keelyflood Posted November 5, 2018 Author Share Posted November 5, 2018 Keely, My heart goes out to you because just a few months ago, I was sick over a man that i KNEW didnt give a damn about me. He had been distant and wouldn't answer my calls at night, and I knew he had met someone else at his new job. His fluctuations of anger, wrath then love--the push/pull all kept me off balance. In a moment of brutal honesty, he told me he didnt give a f*** about me and never did. Then he rejected me harshly by telling me to get the f*** away from him and get out his personal space. Then he drew his fist back like he was going to hit me. I figured that abandonment was coming soon, or a punch in the face, or both, and I wasn't going to hang around for either. He had reopened a childhood abandonment wound in me--because my own mother & father hadn't given a f*** about me to raise me or stay in my life--and abuse was all I had ever known-- from foster homes & other lovers-- and that's what pushed me clean over the edge- and gave me the strength to leave him forever. He had wounded me too deeply this time. I could never trust him with my heart, body or emotions EVER again. He wont ever have to worry about getting a phone call from me again in this lifetime. I wiped him out of my life, as if he never existed, just like I did my parents and anyone else that has deeply wounded me. This is my story Keely. Your story is still being written. We understand that leaving isn't easy. And you will one day reach your breaking point Keely. You will one day break free. You will one day be happy again. Keely, I also agree that you should stay off of Tinder. There are supportive groups on Facebook that will provide moment to moment support like those of us here at enotalone. Hang in there!! Thank you so much for putting time into reaching out and telling your story. I have not been in contact (and do not plan to be) since my drunken mess last Tuesday night. Something in my gut tells me he has found someone new and they are his new target. My therapist told me he has confirmed my never ending thoughts and fears and told me my ex has antisocial personality disorder. She told me much of out sex life was him sexually assaulting me (I’d be asleep and wake up to him inside of me or my mouth) and when I would say no, many times he would not stop. I am on my path to breaking free. It is hard, I have my up days and my down days; my up moments and my downs. But I know for sure I do not want to end up with him. Friends, family and my therapist tell me that although he is blocked and has not reached out in almost a week since the cycle repeated, he will try to return through any outlet he can— even through unknown numbers. Should this happen, I will cave changing my number. I’m working on it! I appreciate all the help and support and hope to continue on this forum with you lovely people to further progress! -Keely Link to comment
keelyflood Posted December 9, 2018 Author Share Posted December 9, 2018 Hi all. It’s been a month and what do you know, I let my narcissist suck me in yet again and here I am, back on this forum because I have been discarded “out of the blue” after all the reassurance and lovey dovey bull he fed me day in and day out. I am on day one of recovery again but this time I am not just sad, moreso angry and more motivated to be the strongest most confident me yet. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 Why call him a narcissist or sociopath when you yourself have not dealt with this issue? Either break up or stay in this. What other options are you looking for?he has a hold on me and somehow I just find comfort when I hear from him. Link to comment
Starlight925 Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 Hi all. It’s been a month and what do you know, I let my narcissist suck me in yet again and here I am, back on this forum because I have been discarded “out of the blue” after all the reassurance and lovey dovey bull he fed me day in and day out. I am on day one of recovery again but this time I am not just sad, moreso angry and more motivated to be the strongest most confident me yet. Now's the time to focus on you, and why you keep allowing this. I'm not going to "yell" at you, lol, because I've been there. I have a huge thread of my own from a year ago, if you'd care to check it out. My exBF has tried to get back in contact with me as well, even a year later. It's. What. They. Do. Yes, even after he was blocked/deleted/removed, he found a different way around, like that game whack-a-mole. The difference for me now is, I don't play the game anymore. Instead of trying to whack the mole, I unplug the game. Therapy, books, friends, whatever you need to do to get you through to where you believe you are above this bullish*t, and you deserve more. Don't you feel you deserve a nice, loving partner who you can count on? Or, no partner at all, but a lovely life filled with friends, family, work, hobbies? Please don't fall for one more of his hoover suck-ins. You are not alone, and you are not to be chastised. You need to find the help that you need to dig you through to the other side, to stop this cycle. Link to comment
keelyflood Posted December 9, 2018 Author Share Posted December 9, 2018 Now's the time to focus on you, and why you keep allowing this. I'm not going to "yell" at you, lol, because I've been there. I have a huge thread of my own from a year ago, if you'd care to check it out. My exBF has tried to get back in contact with me as well, even a year later. It's. What. They. Do. Yes, even after he was blocked/deleted/removed, he found a different way around, like that game whack-a-mole. The difference for me now is, I don't play the game anymore. Instead of trying to whack the mole, I unplug the game. Therapy, books, friends, whatever you need to do to get you through to where you believe you are above this bullish*t, and you deserve more. Don't you feel you deserve a nice, loving partner who you can count on? Or, no partner at all, but a lovely life filled with friends, family, work, hobbies? Please don't fall for one more of his hoover suck-ins. You are not alone, and you are not to be chastised. You need to find the help that you need to dig you through to the other side, to stop this cycle. I needed this kick in the a**! Thank you, I plan to continue reaching out through this thread along my journey of ridding myself of the toxicity that he was. Thank you!! Link to comment
katrina1980 Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 Keely so was this latest incident with him your "rock bottom"? Hope so. Be prepared to experience withdrawal literally. Reach out for support if you need it, many of us have been through it. It will be very difficult but you need to be strong and muster up all the self respect you can. Like I said it took me a year to "kick" my ex, went through so many emotions, I cried every night for the first two months and contemplated suicide, even. I've been though a lot but two years later I am in a happy functional relationship and in love. I wish you the best on your journey to happiness and peace! Link to comment
keelyflood Posted December 9, 2018 Author Share Posted December 9, 2018 Keely so was this latest incident with him your "rock bottom"? Hope so. Be prepared to experience withdrawal literally. Reach out for support if you need it, many of us have been through it. It will be very difficult but you need to be strong and muster up all the self respect you can. Like I said it took me a year to "kick" my ex, went through so many emotions, I cried every night for the first two months and contemplated suicide, even. I've been though a lot but two years later I am in a happy functional relationship and in love. I wish you the best on your journey to happiness and peace! This latest incident wasn’t my rock bottom with him, but in every aspect of my mental/emotional health, it absolutely is. That’s why it was easier for me to give in and let him back in because I sought some type of comfort anywhere I could get it and I just know he will never be the person I need or deserve. What happened during that year that you “kicked” your ex? Were you no contact the whole time and it just took you that long to emotionally and mentally get over him and the past? Or did he continue reaching out and trying to sneak his way back in? I am curious. Link to comment
katrina1980 Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 What happened during that year that you “kicked” your ex? Were you no contact the whole time and it just took you that long to emotionally and mentally get over him and the past? Or did he continue reaching out and trying to sneak his way back in? I am curious. So so much keely but in short, we were no contact the first 6 months, he was in rehab and I changed my phone number. He contacted me after six months at my work wanting to get back but the trust was gone (for me). The next six months were better and there were periods I thought I was even over him! But I wasn't, and I had a series of dead end relationships because of it. I'm a very strong girl though and remained no contact and after about a year, I still had my moments but I had pretty much moved on emotionally. We had a very intense relationship, much of it was based on sex, we were together six years and had even gotten engaged. It ended when I discovered he was a drug addict (meth and coke). Link to comment
Honeycomb8 Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 Stay strong. I had a very intense relationship years ago and my ex continues to message me sporadically. He emailed me a few days ago (cos his last 3 attempts at messaging me ended with me not responding). I have blocked him on everything (except email cos I didn't think he'd email at all). It was a huge addiction and I was entangled in the drama for around 5 years. I was with him for 3. You just need to get to a point when you truly make a decision and stick with it. I haven't talked to guy in months and it feels really good. I used to keep in touch and felt relief too. But that's just temporary and a pointless waste of time. I even came across one of the last letters he'd sent me whilst spring cleaning the other day, and it didn't bother me at all-I just threw it away lol. Link to comment
figureitout23 Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 Currently am, I just don't know if he has discarded me or I should expect him to try to creep up on me sometime and see what I'm up to at some point based on how things ended. I didn’t read it all either. I’m sorry, I just can’t get with the psychobable when it comes to these relationships. Was this guy a jerk? Absolutely but the truth is he did absolutely nothing to liken himself to you, and like you said after 5 DAYS he has you hook line and sinker, but we’re supposed to psycho analyze him and go through the professional analysis of someone who is a narcissist and tell you if he’s ‘discarding’ you? You are complicating things because it helps you stay attached to him. Your focus need to be completely on you because men like this wouldn’t be able to get in if you didn’t not only allow them but practically beg them to act in such a manner. Take care of you. Like Kat said this is a literal addiction and I have no doubt this is how most of your romantic relationships go. It’s time to see someone professionally if you’re able. I wish you luck I really do. I have been there. No, I’m not going to tell you my story. Not because I’m truing to be cold to you but because it doesn’t seem to be helping, infact it seems to be doing the opposite and giving you hope. I swear reading your responses, I imagined a junkie getting a hit with each story you were told, him contacting you gave you that high that strength the mania stilled. The focus right now needs to be on you, not him, not other peoples relationship dynamics but what led you to this point. You can get out of this hole. Get yourself a support system,post here, get out of the house, just take things one day at a time. Again, I wish you luck Link to comment
figureitout23 Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 Why do you think "he's a sociopath"? If you believe this, you would have deleted and blocked him long ago, no? If you think you "were dating a sociopath", why hope he comes back? This literally needs to be a stickied post. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 A good check up from and doctor and a referral to a therapist would serve you and your happiness much better than reuniting with what you call "a sociopath/narcissist".This latest incident wasn’t my rock bottom with him, but in every aspect of my mental/emotional health, it absolutely is. That’s why it was easier for me to give in and let him back in because I sought some type of comfort anywhere I could get it Link to comment
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