Refuses to be forgotten? Ex and his pointless contact

[DancingFool]

OP, I don't doubt how you personally feel about this. However, how you feel and how it comes across to him are at odds with each other. Intentionally or not, you really are feeding his ego and that needs to end if for no reason other than it just needs to end. He needs to find himself another host to feed off of. People like that are really like a parasite and you actually need to take some serious steps to exterminate and clear your life of them. They will never leave what they perceive as a cushy host voluntarily.

[blitzkrieged]

OP, I don't doubt how you personally feel about this. However, how you feel and how it comes across to him are at odds with each other. Intentionally or not, you really are feeding his ego and that needs to end if for no reason other than it just needs to end. He needs to find himself another host to feed off of. People like that are really like a parasite and you actually need to take some serious steps to exterminate and clear your life of them. They will never leave what they perceive as a cushy host voluntarily.

 

How am I feeding it? I genuinely want to know. The texts are very businesslike anyway. And with the gift I simply gave him an address to send it to. I didn't even suggest a meetup. Nor did I try to hang around or go anywhere else with him. We just chatted about work and life for like 10 minutes and parted.

 

Ok so if/when he does that again. Would it be fair to just say, let's take me off your phone plan and please don't contact me again after that? idk. I have to talk to him anyway to deal with the phone thing :/ It really just sounds dumb to me to say "never contact me again" unless I'm 15 and in a yelling fight... When I could just ignore it.

[boltnrun]

Well, when you get your own phone plan just make sure it's a new number.

 

And yes, you can too do that. I did and it only took me about 15 minutes to send texts to everyone I wanted to have my new number. And yes, it is possible to do that with business contacts. Then there's no need for "petty, dumb" blocking.

 

The biggest benefit I got from doing that is my ex could no longer call or text whenever he got into a fight with the young woman he'd cheated on me with and then dumped me for. No more ego boost for him.

[itsallgrand]

All else aside, how would you feel if you were married to someone and he was paying another woman's ( his exes) phone plan? If he was meeting her at a train station to give her little gifts?

 

Do you not find it inappropriate for a married man? And do you not find it inappropriate while you are in a relationship of your own to have the ex pay your phone for you and be on his plan?

 

That you think you are 'winning' by being on a cheap tether sort of blows my mind. It reminds of one time, when I was single, this dude trying to get me to date him and his big selling point was he'd buy me a phone and whatever I wanted. Immedietly I thought this was creepy - what are you, a pimp!? Lol . I didn't say that, I just walked away from the weirdo.

[SweetGirl28]

Everyone is focusing on the phone, but the big issue is that he hasn't even had the decency to tell her he got married. And it's been months. Why you entertain any thoughts of this guy, is beyond me, except to say you're not over him completely yet and feel some sort of empowerment by not texting him back when he sends you things. Admit you're getting an ego boost from this as much as he is.

[Hollyj]

You are not ENA you are just one persons opinion on ENA and you instantly jumped to say I have no self respect, that was so rude. I literally only ever talk to him when answering directly answerable questions about work or one time, the phone plan. How very pathetic of me to reward him like that. Your idea of dignity is a bit different than mine. I see myself as dignified for walking away from this without any drama, venom, grudges, or even any real hints of emotion. And I certainly respect myself for it, although you don't have to, that's fine.

 

And please stop calling me hon, it's a bit patronizing, besides everything else you've said to me. He didn't cheat on me that I know of, didn't steal or hurt my family soooo don't you think it's a little dramatic what you're saying?

 

"Well then maybe you need some self respect hun ;)" I see. So, it is okay for you to say it, but not me. Should I say double-standard.

 

Seems that most agree with what I have written. Hmmm. When people treat me poorly, I do not continue to deal with them. Why would I. I would value myself enough to surround myself with people who respect me and treat me well.

 

Of course he cheated. He also dumped you by text after a three-year relationship. Didn't even tell you he married another. He is a class act..

[blitzkrieged]

Well, when you get your own phone plan just make sure it's a new number.

 

And yes, you can too do that. I did and it only took me about 15 minutes to send texts to everyone I wanted to have my new number. And yes, it is possible to do that with business contacts. Then there's no need for "petty, dumb" blocking.

 

The biggest benefit I got from doing that is my ex could no longer call or text whenever he got into a fight with the young woman he'd cheated on me with and then dumped me for. No more ego boost for him.

 

Ahh that's the problem. I really wanted to at first cause I was so incredibly angry, get a new phone without saying a word. But... Then I thought about the fact that I've changed my number like 3 times in the past 2 years for various reasons and I'm kind of sick it... I have to change my contact info on a few websites, business cards (which I silk-screen print myself by hand!) etc., Also a much dumber reason is my lucky number repeats like 6 times in this one so yea a bit of a dumb sentimental attachment there. So then I settled on "someday" work it out with him so I can keep my number. I could easily just block him with the same number. But yeah, didn't back then because I didn't want him to stop paying at that exact moment while I was struggling in a new expensive city.

[itsallgrand]

Everyone is focusing on the phone, but the big issue is that he hasn't even had the decency to tell her he got married. And it's been months. Why you entertain any thoughts of this guy, is beyond me, except to say you're not over him completely yet and feel some sort of empowerment by not texting him back when he sends you things. Admit you're getting an ego boost from this as much as he is.

 

Her thread title makes it sound like an ex who won't go away even with doing what she can on her end.

Come to find out, she's done almost nothing that goes along with a split. She's still on his phone plan, she chats with him, she's met him to receive a gift, she keeps herself open to connection.

[Wiseman2]

There are plenty of cheap plans where you can keep your phone and your number, but you would have to research it if you were interested. However if he suddenly deletes you, closes the account, changes the passcodes, etc. you loose everything, including access. Hopefully you have a sim card and back up your phone. Can a friend or family help you with this?

I've changed my number like 3 times in the past 2 years for various reasons. I was struggling in a new expensive city.

[Hollyj]

"just an old friend...

Hi everyone.

 

I will try to make this as short as I can.

 

My boyfriend and I are in our third year together but have split up briefly twice this year. Both times he pretty much immediately started seeing this girl, even though he was still texting me nearly every day & seeing me every time he was in town, wanting to do special things and asking me to sleep over... He only told me about her the second time we split, where I was pretty much the one chasing him, and since then I'm trying to work through whatever issues I have, which is all I can do, and I know I'm not perfect. I don't want to fight over anything. But I noticed to this day he still keeps this girl on all his social media and "likes" all her photos.

 

Now, I don't know if anyone would see that as suspicious right off the bat, but lets add a bit of context here. In the past year (since the first breakup) I have really been able to get out of my shell, make new friends, and have my own life. It's always female friends I hang out with by the way, unless one of them brings a guy along. I moved out at the time to a new city, got a great new job and have managed to keep a level of independence which I have not had for a while with him. And instead of just being happy for me he displays subtle signs of jealousy to even outright saying it's not easy because he used to have me all to himself. He also totally looks at who likes my photos, what I like, and who I follow on social media.

 

So back to this girl, I confronted him about the social media thing and he says "I know it's easy for you to get jealous, but you have nothing to worry about, and neither do I." Well the thing is they were intimate just a matter of months ago, and when he was at my house one night (still in the reconciliation phase) I snooped on his phone and found messages to her like: "every moment spent without you is time wasted." And basically begging to see her but she refused. The day after these texts was when he had arrived at my house. I walked out, he followed me and we had a long talk, and basically made up somehow. He really played it down and made it seem like he didn't even like her that much compared to me.

 

Now he's telling me I shouldn't worry about keeping her around because she's his friend and has been in his life since they were 16. He asked me what I suppose he should do and I said unfollow her, which he eventually did, very reluctantly, and ended up unfollowing me too.

 

So my question is: What is wrong with this picture? And how should I approach this?"

 

He had been playing you, long before he left by text. You should not allow people to treat you like this!

[SweetGirl28]

Her thread title makes it sound like an ex who won't go away even with doing what she can on her end.

Come to find out, she's done almost nothing that goes along with a split. She's still on his phone plan, she chats with him, she's met him to receive a gift, she keeps herself open to connection.

 

 

I agree. "Ex and his pointless contact" , yet she entertains it.

[SweetGirl28]

"just an old friend...

Hi everyone.

 

I will try to make this as short as I can.

 

My boyfriend and I are in our third year together but have split up briefly twice this year. Both times he pretty much immediately started seeing this girl, even though he was still texting me nearly every day & seeing me every time he was in town, wanting to do special things and asking me to sleep over... He only told me about her the second time we split, where I was pretty much the one chasing him, and since then I'm trying to work through whatever issues I have, which is all I can do, and I know I'm not perfect. I don't want to fight over anything. But I noticed to this day he still keeps this girl on all his social media and "likes" all her photos.

 

Now, I don't know if anyone would see that as suspicious right off the bat, but lets add a bit of context here. In the past year (since the first breakup) I have really been able to get out of my shell, make new friends, and have my own life. It's always female friends I hang out with by the way, unless one of them brings a guy along. I moved out at the time to a new city, got a great new job and have managed to keep a level of independence which I have not had for a while with him. And instead of just being happy for me he displays subtle signs of jealousy to even outright saying it's not easy because he used to have me all to himself. He also totally looks at who likes my photos, what I like, and who I follow on social media.

 

So back to this girl, I confronted him about the social media thing and he says "I know it's easy for you to get jealous, but you have nothing to worry about, and neither do I." Well the thing is they were intimate just a matter of months ago, and when he was at my house one night (still in the reconciliation phase) I snooped on his phone and found messages to her like: "every moment spent without you is time wasted." And basically begging to see her but she refused. The day after these texts was when he had arrived at my house. I walked out, he followed me and we had a long talk, and basically made up somehow. He really played it down and made it seem like he didn't even like her that much compared to me.

 

Now he's telling me I shouldn't worry about keeping her around because she's his friend and has been in his life since they were 16. He asked me what I suppose he should do and I said unfollow her, which he eventually did, very reluctantly, and ended up unfollowing me too.

 

So my question is: What is wrong with this picture? And how should I approach this?"

 

He had been playing you, long before he left by text. You should not allow people to treat you like this!

 

 

Ouch! The big guns got pulled out!

 

Well there ya go.....he married her to not lose her. Begging to see her, but she refused. So how to do you keep the one you love? You marry them.

[boltnrun]

Ahh that's the problem. I really wanted to at first cause I was so incredibly angry, get a new phone without saying a word. But... Then I thought about the fact that I've changed my number like 3 times in the past 2 years for various reasons and I'm kind of sick it... I have to change my contact info on a few websites, business cards (which I silk-screen print myself by hand!) etc., Also a much dumber reason is my lucky number repeats like 6 times in this one so yea a bit of a dumb sentimental attachment there. So then I settled on "someday" work it out with him so I can keep my number. I could easily just block him with the same number. But yeah, didn't back then because I didn't want him to stop paying at that exact moment while I was struggling in a new expensive city.

 

Yeah, I figured there'd be some "reason" why you "can't" change your number. That usually happens when the person wants the ex to be able to continue to contact them.

 

Everything you say is something that could easily be resolved but you are choosing not to do a couple of very simple things that would end the "pointless contact". You are getting something out of this contact, otherwise you would take the very few and very simple steps to end it.

 

Maybe a part of you feels like you are now "winning" after you "lost" him to his wife?

[blitzkrieged]

Ouch! The big guns got pulled out!

 

Well there ya go.....he married her to not lose her. Begging to see her, but she refused. So how to do you keep the one you love? You marry them.

 

Not the same girl. You see I appreciate a lot of the advice here but jumping to conclusions isn't helpful at all. And digging up irrelevant posts from years ago just creeps me out like I can't post here without having my whole history analyzed or used against me.

[SweetGirl28]

Not the same girl. You see I appreciate a lot of the advice here but jumping to conclusions isn't helpful at all. And digging up irrelevant posts from years ago just creeps me out like I can't post here without having my whole history analyzed or used against me.

 

I didn't look, so when it's from I've no idea, but the same thing still applies--he married her to not lose her.

He has a wife. You're not friends. He can't even find a minute to tell you he's married? He does not care about you.

I never, ever say that to anyone, but he doesn't. What he does care about though, is himself.

[blitzkrieged]

The question was why is HE doing this. I think I got the answer but I also feel so attacked with people talking about my self respect and "entertaining" someone who sh*t on me. The only ounce of truth there is maybe getting an ego boost when he reaches out. I seriously don't care if his wife finds out, has nothing to do with me, not my problem. She didn't care that he was fresh out of a relationship did she? And so what if he looks at my call logs... All it has it date/time/phone number, do you think he will go through all those numbers and call to find out who each one is???

 

But still that was not the question, and there is no pain at all when he does reach out so who are you all trying to save? I dont treat him better or worse than I would any stranger.... because I'm indifferent. I have no evidence he cheated on me and yea I know it's ed up what he did which is why we don't have actual conversations and I DIDNT work on the project he was about to throw money at me for. But I don't need to dramatically cut someone out of my life and act like they never existed to move on. I have already moved on, and happy, don't want to go back to my old life. And yeah convenience is actually a factor that people make real life decisions on.

[SweetGirl28]

If you were totally over him, you wouldn't ask why. It would have zero affect on you.

 

Own the ego boost you get, and work through it. You have defended him to the gills here. That's a sure sign of still being hung up . Most of us have been feeling what you do. There's no shame in it. But defending him and getting annoyed to hear truth is hurtful when you've still got an attachment.

 

You're not indifferent. You are stuck and will be until you work through it. Do. The. Work.

 

Look at your comment about his wife. That's revenge you seek. A person who's over it can wish the other well and be done.

[blitzkrieged]

If you were totally over him, you wouldn't ask why. It would have zero affect on you.

 

Own the ego boost you get, and work through it. You have defended him to the gills here. That's a sure sign of still being hung up . Most of us have been feeling what you do. There's no shame in it. But defending him and getting annoyed to hear truth is hurtful when you've still got an attachment.

 

You're not indifferent. You are stuck and will be until you work through it. Do. The. Work.

 

Look at your comment about his wife. That's revenge you seek. A person who's over it can wish the other well and be done.

 

So I'm not defending him... I defending myself from being called someone with no self respect, or someone who thinks they're "winning" something, or that I'm desperately pining for my ex somehow, or trying to look like a strong woman in his eyes. No. I'm on a tight budget and it's been really nice to not have to worry about the phone too. And yes that is the only reason I haven't blocked him from the IG creeping, or even respond to the professional emails at all. But I would really need to get the phone first before I do that because obvious reasons.

 

And I didn't ask the first couple times... But I'm genuinely wondering why it might be continuing 7 months later. And it's not revenge, I honestly never even thought about it until like 5 people here brought up what she would think. Don't know, don't care, but she will never find out unless he tells her anyway. I never asked my bf who was on my phone plan that is so random lol.

[SweetGirl28]

So I'm not defending him... I defending myself from being called someone with no self respect, or someone who thinks they're "winning" something, or that I'm desperately pining for my ex somehow, or trying to look like a strong woman in his eyes. No. I'm on a tight budget and it's been really nice to not have to worry about the phone too. And yes that is the only reason I haven't blocked him from the IG creeping, or even respond to the professional emails at all. But I would really need to get the phone first before I do that because obvious reasons.

 

And I didn't ask the first couple times... But I'm genuinely wondering why it might be continuing 7 months later. And it's not revenge, I honestly never even thought about it until like 5 people here brought up what she would think. Don't know, don't care, but she will never find out unless he tells her anyway. I never asked my bf who was on my phone plan that is so random lol.

 

That's not how it's coming across. But okay, I don't think you're desperately pining but I do think you're wanting some validation that his motive is out of love for you. And I don't think any of us reading this would say that it is. As for the phone, work on getting off his plan. Don't you want that freedom and release?

[Hollyj]

Not the same girl. You see I appreciate a lot of the advice here but jumping to conclusions isn't helpful at all. And digging up irrelevant posts from years ago just creeps me out like I can't post here without having my whole history analyzed or used against me.

 

Not "years ago" and the same guy. It should creep you out that you put up with his garbage.

[Hollyj]

If you were totally over him, you wouldn't ask why. It would have zero affect on you.

 

Own the ego boost you get, and work through it. You have defended him to the gills here. That's a sure sign of still being hung up . Most of us have been feeling what you do. There's no shame in it. But defending him and getting annoyed to hear truth is hurtful when you've still got an attachment.

 

You're not indifferent. You are stuck and will be until you work through it. Do. The. Work.

 

Look at your comment about his wife. That's revenge you seek. A person who's over it can wish the other well and be done.

 

Spot on, Girl!!!

[blitzkrieged]

Seems that most agree with what I have written. Hmmm. When people treat me poorly, I do not continue to deal with them. Why would I. I would value myself enough to surround myself with people who respect me and treat me well.

 

Cool, I'm not sure if I'm one of those people so why do you keep circling back here to take jabs at me?

[blitzkrieged]

That's not how it's coming across. But okay, I don't think you're desperately pining but I do think you're wanting some validation that his motive is out of love for you. And I don't think any of us reading this would say that it is. As for the phone, work on getting off his plan. Don't you want that freedom and release?

 

Closer, but I know he doesn't love me. That part is pretty obvious. I was hoping people would say because he doesn't value his marriage, maybe a sense of guilt, confusion, ego boost, loneliness. Or maybe something I hadn't even thought of. It's genuinely confusing to me because the contact is so dry yet he keeps doing it.

[itsallgrand]

So I'm not defending him... I defending myself from being called someone with no self respect, or someone who thinks they're "winning" something, or that I'm desperately pining for my ex somehow, or trying to look like a strong woman in his eyes. No. I'm on a tight budget and it's been really nice to not have to worry about the phone too. And yes that is the only reason I haven't blocked him from the IG creeping, or even respond to the professional emails at all. But I would really need to get the phone first before I do that because obvious reasons.

 

And I didn't ask the first couple times... But I'm genuinely wondering why it might be continuing 7 months later. And it's not revenge, I honestly never even thought about it until like 5 people here brought up what she would think. Don't know, don't care, but she will never find out unless he tells her anyway. I never asked my bf who was on my phone plan that is so random lol.

 

Taking this at face value, you are saying it is worth it to you in terms of having a puddly phone bill paid, to overlook someone behaving terribly and inappropriately to others. You are saying you do not care if you act with integrity, you are more concerned with convenience and ego boosts.

 

You can't control his choices. Why does he keep contacting you - only he knows , but it could be as simple as he can because you allow it and he enjoys having a few ladies at his disposal at once for fun.

 

What you can control is your choices. They do not reflect very kindly on you right now, see above.

[SweetGirl28]

Closer, but I know he doesn't love me. That part is pretty obvious. I was hoping people would say because he doesn't value his marriage, maybe a sense of guilt, confusion, ego boost, loneliness. Or maybe something I hadn't even thought of. It's genuinely confusing to me because the contact is so dry yet he keeps doing it.

 

You're right. The contact is dry. Because it's meaningless. There's nothing here to read into. Honestly you're probably nothing more than a possible back up plan should his marraige fail. And you don't want to be that person. Your best revenge is to get off that phone plan and disappear. You owe that to yourself. Him, you owe nothing. Absolutely nothing.

That's why people are saying you're not showing self respect. He has zero for you. He doesn't feel guilty. A guilty person would have manned up and told you he was getting married. He still hasnt told you. Because he doesn't care. He's out for himself. Lonely, no. A lonely guy texts to get you to engage with him. An ego boost, he will only get if you reply and you initiate contact.