Why do men go between women?

[figureitout23]

^Posted again for emphasis.

 

No one knows what he's caring or not carrying, or if he is knowingly risking infecting others.

 

He may very well be, or not, impossible to know.

 

Generally speaking, I think everyone should have a lawyer to call upon when necessary.

 

But I'm in the legal field so may be biased, but generally it's a good idea cause you just never know when you might need one.

 

Except in his case he had HIV (and knew it) and knowingly infected these other women,

 

Two different concepts Kat and being in the legal field, I think you know that. He hasnt been proven to have anything, it would have to be proven that he not only has something but then knowingly passed it on. Were in phase one, waiting for the results. I think its just a bit premature to seek another landmark case... and IF he has something, Im assuming it would have to be something uncurable. So if she got the clap, she'll be uncomfortable but she will have no case.

[katrina1980]

@fio, oh I agree with you, all I said (in response to your below post) was that it's *possible* he's carrying something, nothing definitive.

 

No one knows, it's impossible to know. Only possible. It happens, hence why I posted that case.

 

But yeah, certainly not another landmark case, lol, I wasn't going for that.

 

 

This isn't a man knowingly passing HIV to multiple sex partners. This is an old wannabe player who found 3 women to fall for his wack lines.

[Algos]

@algos, would that be true even when sexual exclusivity was discussed prior and agreed to? As in OP's case?

 

As yatsue posted, many FWBs will agree to sexual exclusivity for health reasons only, to decrease their risk of catching an std.

 

I must have missed that, yes is makes a big difference to me if you agree to sexual exclusivity. Then he not only led her on but betrayed her trust and lied to her, and seemed perfectly fine with it. My apologies to the OP.

[Jonagoldappl]

Well, emotionally unavailable and FWB just screams to me there are other people.

Definitely. If one is not emotionally available, how can you trust that person not to F*** around, or trust them at all? It's those exact emotions that tell you a lot about what a person is up to. The same goes for you and it has to be mutual.

[anonymous18]

I must have missed that, yes is makes a big difference to me if you agree to sexual exclusivity. Then he not only led her on but betrayed her trust and lied to her, and seemed perfectly fine with it. My apologies to the OP.

 

I agree he definitely has led me on and betrayed my trust. He continued to lie to me to get sex. If he told me he was sleeping with other women I would have been gone but he has wanted us all on the go at the same time. It is very clear he is just after sex, with the other women too, however I do not understand why he is messing genuine women around when he could get sex quite easily with women who are looking for the same thing on the swingers website he uses.

 

Definitely. If one is not emotionally available, how can you trust that person not to F*** around, or trust them at all? It's those exact emotions that tell you a lot about what a person is up to. The same goes for you and it has to be mutual.

 

He told me he was emotionally unavailable before we discussed being fwb. This was brought up in conversation when I was stating I am happy single and not looking. He split with his ex wife 4 years ago and since then he has slept around, nothing serious. I have only known him since Feb and in that time he has been on dating sites and sleeping with other women as well as me. Now he has a new girlfriend in the last month or two, she must have been on the scene at the same time as me and the other women (she will be unaware of this). An emotionally unavailable man does not just change over night and wake up wanting a relationship so he must be stringing her along too, making on he's a good man since he puts on a very good front. It was only a few weeks ago he had text the other lady asking for sex and saying he is back on swingers website, she was unaware of this new girlfriend so it seems he is still up to the same ways even when he has a new girlfriend. I don't think people like this ever change.

[figureitout23]

I agree he definitely has led me on and betrayed my trust. He continued to lie to me to get sex. If he told me he was sleeping with other women I would have been gone but he has wanted us all on the go at the same time. It is very clear he is just after sex, with the other women too, however I do not understand why he is messing genuine women around when he could get sex quite easily with women who are looking for the same thing on the swingers website he uses.

 

He told me he was emotionally unavailable before we discussed being fwb. This was brought up in conversation when I was stating I am happy single and not looking. He split with his ex wife 4 years ago and since then he has slept around, nothing serious. I have only known him since Feb and in that time he has been on dating sites and sleeping with other women as well as me. Now he has a new girlfriend in the last month or two, she must have been on the scene at the same time as me and the other women (she will be unaware of this). An emotionally unavailable man does not just change over night and wake up wanting a relationship so he must be stringing her along too, making on he's a good man since he puts on a very good front. It was only a few weeks ago he had text the other lady asking for sex and saying he is back on swingers website, she was unaware of this new girlfriend so it seems he is still up to the same ways even when he has a new girlfriend.I don't think people like this ever change.

 

WHYYYYYY do you care?

 

You keep insisting you do not care about this man nor have you ever and it was purely physical, yet the indignation you feel towards him, its almost like even though you didnt care about him, you expected him to care about you???

 

Dont get me wrong two people should stick to an agreement made, you already know my feelings on this, he set the tone of this whole situation, he told you some pretty words about you being his one and only f*ck buddy and you agreed to the terms. You want to call that a mutual agreement, ok, I'll give you that. He lied. No question about that. Pretty gross, no question.

 

What else is there?

 

Tell your ego to chill out. Forgive yourself for falling for his lies and move forward.

 

Dont worry about his girlfriend. Emotional unavailability can mean all kinds of things. It can range from your emotional unavailablility meaning you dont want a relationship to I want a relationship, just not with you. I mean lets be honest, he lied about everything else, why would he be telling you the truth about being emotionally unavailable? Maybe he got all the emotional pain out running around with you three women and now hes ready to settle down. I have male friends who went from woman to woman to woman, not at the same time, until they met that one, then they settled down. It happens, but what do you care? Hes not relationship material to you, remember? Again, tell your ego to relax. It happened, nothing can change it. What good is a bashing session going to do? Temporary fix. Better to just start moving forward.

[anonymous18]

WHYYYYYY do you care?

 

You keep insisting you do not care about this man nor have you ever and it was purely physical, yet the indignation you feel towards him, its almost like even though you didnt care about him, you expected him to care about you???

 

Dont get me wrong two people should stick to an agreement made, you already know my feelings on this, he set the tone of this whole situation, he told you some pretty words about you being his one and only f*ck buddy and you agreed to the terms. You want to call that a mutual agreement, ok, I'll give you that. He lied. No question about that. Pretty gross, no question.

 

What else is there?

 

Tell your ego to chill out. Forgive yourself for falling for his lies and move forward.

 

Dont worry about his girlfriend. Emotional unavailability can mean all kinds of things. It can range from your emotional unavailablility meaning you dont want a relationship to I want a relationship, just not with you. I mean lets be honest, he lied about everything else, why would he be telling you the truth about being emotionally unavailable? Maybe he got all the emotional pain out running around with you three women and now hes ready to settle down. I have male friends who went from woman to woman to woman, not at the same time, until they met that one, then they settled down. It happens, but what do you care? Hes not relationship material to you, remember? Again, tell your ego to relax. It happened, nothing can change it. What good is a bashing session going to do? Temporary fix. Better to just start moving forward.

 

I think I stated in one of my previous replies that I get the impression this man is just going along with women to get what he wants (sex). He knew I didn't want a relationship, not with him or any other man, he knew I wasn't looking. And I believe this is why he told me he is emotionally unavailable. If I said I was looking to date and lead to a relationship, he would have gone along with me about that too (like he did with the other women) just so he could get sex.

 

This man came across to me like he had many issues, possibly from his broken marriage. He has gone from woman to woman for at least 4 years and had a few on the go at once. He seemed insecure and needed reassurance that I wasn't with anyone else. I even had to send a photo to prove it. He has trust issues but he makes on it's 'you' with the issues, turns it around all the time. He did not seem capable of love, the other women said the same so he is probably right when he says he is emotionally unavailable. He does not seem to care that he has upset or hurt anyone, so when he says he is emotionally unavailable he probably means he does not care if his actions or words hurt anyone. I know he was not relationship material for me and I do not care about him or expect him to care about me. The only person I am mad at is myself. I need to forgive myself for falling for his lies.

[figureitout23]

I think I stated in one of my previous replies that I get the impression this man is just going along with women to get what he wants (sex). He knew I didn't want a relationship, not with him or any other man, he knew I wasn't looking. And I believe this is why he told me he is emotionally unavailable. If I said I was looking to date and lead to a relationship, he would have gone along with me about that too (like he did with the other women) just so he could get sex.

 

This man came across to me like he had many issues, possibly from his broken marriage. He has gone from woman to woman for at least 4 years and had a few on the go at once. He seemed insecure and needed reassurance that I wasn't with anyone else. I even had to send a photo to prove it. He has trust issues but he makes on it's 'you' with the issues, turns it around all the time. He did not seem capable of love, the other women said the same so he is probably right when he says he is emotionally unavailable. He does not seem to care that he has upset or hurt anyone, so when he says he is emotionally unavailable he probably means he does not care if his actions or words hurt anyone. I know he was not relationship material for me and I do not care about him or expect him to care about me. The only person I am mad at is myself. I need to forgive myself for falling for his lies.

 

Honestly I think you're 100% correct, he probably knew exactly what to say to get you to let your guard down.

 

It sucks that there are men and women who do this, but they do, it happens SO often. You fell for it. You aren't the first person to ever fall for a wannabe players lies. It happens. Forgive yourself.

 

Going forward, the only way to combat it is to stay away from these types of men. Know your boundaries, know who you are and what you are and are not ok with.

 

Me personally? I can't handle having sex with someone I don't care about, so I know I can't handle FWB, but I know there are men and women who are able to compartmentalize and at least for a short while pull off FWB. Statistically speaking through, they aren't the best situations to be in, so it might be best to wait until you are ready for a relationship.

 

Whatever you choose. I wish you luck.

[anonymous18]

Thank you

 

I usually can't handle FWB as I always think I will start to like them or vice versa. However I knew from the beginning that he was not for me although I found him attractive so was able to have sex with him. I did not think anything would go wrong with getting involved in a FWB situation since we are both adults and knew what we wanted. We both did not want a relationship (so neither of us would catch feelings) and if we met someone else we would tell each other and end it. I wouldn't have minded if he told me he met someone else, I would have walked away, maybe even still spoke to him as friends, but as you know he kept me around whilst seeing others and told me many lies. I think this is the main reason I posted here, as I can't understand why people go from one to the other (for sex) and back again, keeping them all around for added attention.

 

If I wanted to be with a man that sleeps around, I would have stayed with my ex boyfriend. He was another that was addicted to sex and dating sites, needed the attention off many women to make him feel wanted. I don't know how I am falling for these men's lies. These men are so hard to filter out as they do come across so honest and genuine. It's not that I am not ready for a relationship, I am just so happy on my own and I am scared of being hurt or messed around again. I couldn't handle another FWB situation, now knowing that they are most likely sleeping with others even if they sat otherwise, this one has put me right off.

[Honeycomb8]

If it was a fwb situation. To expect loyalty is expecting way too much.

[anonymous18]

If it was a fwb situation. To expect loyalty is expecting way too much.

 

Even though this was mutually agreed before? If anything changed (we met someone else) then we should let one another know so we can decide whether to end it or keep it going. Not lie to get sex and continue to lie to keep getting it.

[purplepaisley]

This guy...what can you do? No guarantees you'll never run into someone of his ilk again. Hopefully you see some warning signs faster, though.

 

What I see happening: You met this guy through mutual friends you trust. While the environment was a bar, it was a few friends gathering for some drinks and social time, and no one was getting plowed and it was not a hookup scene. You trust your friends and by extension, this guy had to be a descent guy. You met this guy who intrigued you and there was definite mutual attraction. He's not someone you can see being with long-term, and you're not interested in pursuing anything serious right now, and he seemed like a good guy and you could pursue something casual...the FWB. You expected that at least as far as the sex is concerned, you would both limit the sex to just each other. If either one of you met someone that could go the long haul or you were interested in pursuing, you would break off the sexual part and only sleep with one at a time. Of course necessary precautions and testing are part of the plan.

 

Because your goal was casual, and your relationship was more sexual, you failed to notice certain red flags...sex dominating most of the conversation. Ghosting didn't hit your trigger point. If in a serious relationship (or pursuing one), if someone drops off the planet or is too busy or has excuses not to see you, it holds more water...you worry more...what's going on? Is he still interested? Is there someone else? Do I want to continue on with a man who is this busy? Do I deserve a guy who can at least call when he's busy? Try to carve out a little time? When you're really only in it for the casual hookup, you worry less about these things...missed sign. It's crystal clear now, but at the time, I can see where you got snowed. This guy is good at his deception. I feel worse for the women who were seeking something more serious and being led to believe he wanted the same.

 

In an answer to your question...no one knows. Women pull the same crap. Maybe he is consciously saying what he needs to say in order to keep a plethora of sex partners available, or maybe he genuinely, at the time, thinks this could be "the one" or this could be a good "FWB arrangement," but it only lasts as long as the woman is in his presence.

 

Live and learn. I can't say you'll never find yourself in this place again, ever, if you pursue a FWB situation again. You have no guarantees even if you are in a serious, committed relationship...people cheat.

 

I think a high prevalence of sex talk early on and sending naughty pictures to someone you barely know are early red flags to pay attention to.

[anonymous18]

Fab reply, thank you.

 

I never entertain that kind of chat or exchanging nude photos. If a man came across that way to me, I would know he is not in it for anything serious. These were all overlooked, and the other red flags (ghosting etc) - that was because I wasn't in it for anything serious either and thought well isn't this how the casual/fwb supposed to be, all about fun/sex.

 

Looking back at it all now, it's all crystal clear what he was up to. However he constantly made me think I had trust issues but my gut instinct was spot on with everything. One time he took a whole day to even open my message, never mind reply. I knew then there must be someone else but couldn't just accuse or bring this up because we aren't committed. It would have been nice to know the truth then though so I could have ended it much sooner or not got involved at all. He would often ask me to prove I am not with anyone else, now that is a sign that he is doing wrong too, guilty conscience.

[lostandhurt]

Not all men are like this and not all women fall for these manipulative tactics. You have been given the opportunity to learn a great deal from this experience so please remember everything he pulled on you for the next time.

 

Basic rules to follow:

 

ALWAYS USE CONDOMS!!! No matter what he says always always always use condoms. FWB, F-Buddy or whatever you want to label it is NOT a committed relationship with a monogamous discussion involved.

 

Until you know them for some time they are a stranger so treat them as such. Liars come on all shapes and forms.

 

If someone is emotionally unavailable they cannot be a friend in any way.

 

If you choose to go down the FWB road again make some rules for yourself and stick to them no matter the lines or games the guy throws your way. You have what they want so make them follow YOUR rules or kick them to the curb.

 

 

Lost

[Annia]

I haven't read the whole thread yet but when someone (man or woman) has sex with you without having communicated desire for a relationship or without things going that way (you both agreed to be just fwb) always assume that they're probably also sleeping with other people or that they can get a relationship with someone else all of a sudden. I'm not saying he's a saint and be probably has his issues but you were naive and you have to own it. FWB is not a relationship or a way to one nor demands exclusivity even if he throws the line that he's seeing you and only you at the moment. Lying is not ok but he's free to be with other women if he wants to because he was not in a relationship/leading to one with you. It is what it is.

 

He told you who he was and showed you who he us even if with some lying and embellishment of the situation... you just chose to disregard the signs because you "wanted to believe" and weren't keeping your boundaries. We've all been there one way or another. We live and learn so learn the lesson here and keep going.

Analysing him or convincing yourself that he's a narcissist or a sex addict (He could or not be) is just a distraction from what you really need to learn here.

[Annia]

It wasn't that they were overlooked. There were red flags from the day he first ghosted but I chose to ignore them. Why? Because I wasn't in it for a relationship. It was supposed be loyal fwb, mainly sex. I didn't expect him to take me out for meals, drinks etc. But i expected to be treated with a bit more respect. He clearly didn't have any self respect never mind respect for me or the other women. He is a huge regret and I'm mad at myself for being involved with such a vile man.

 

What is a loyal FWB?

[annie24]

I tried to strike a deal with a FWB that we would have a weekly “meeting” and I asked him not to see anyone else. He scoffed and was like “what about the other 6 days of the week??” So, yeah, my plan was rejected and our deal was off.

[anonymous18]

What is a loyal FWB?

 

Yes, it seems those words don't fit in the same sentence. He had lied and deceived us all for his own personal gain. Had he been upfront and honest from the start, being open about others he was meeting/sleeping with then his chances of getting us into bed would have been very low.

 

What I do not understand is that he is lying and deceiving us to get what he wants - sex. He can get that off swingers website from like minded women wanting the same thing although there might not be any attraction there. However he doesn't seem to mind where he gets it from as long as he gets it.

[anonymous18]

I tried to strike a deal with a FWB that we would have a weekly “meeting” and I asked him not to see anyone else. He scoffed and was like “what about the other 6 days of the week??” So, yeah, my plan was rejected and our deal was off.

 

At least he was honest with you and hasn't lied to get you into bed. I wouldn't expect any man to be loyal with a FWB arrangement but there was a mutual agreement from the start with this man and he should have stuck to it or told me the truth instead of lying to get sex.

[Annia]

You talk a lot about "we were lied to". I hope that at this point you're not in contact with these other women and neither with him. It's better to distance yourself from all this mess. Next time you know that you can't expect exclusivity from FWB.

 

And also even if you just want sex (which is ok), try to distance yourself from "gross men" who are overly sexual. I know it's contradictory because if you just want sex a "just talk about sex" and "overly sexual" person might seem ideal... but most times it gets messy.

 

And also even if you have a FWB that you think it's exclusive with you NEVER allow not to use condom. You can get the most kind and well intentioned FWB but never assume that they are exclusive because FWB is not a relationship nor ensures exclusivity.

 

And of course he fed the "loyal FWB bullsht" because if you were out there dating other men you wouldn't be so easily sexually available to him at his whim. And also many people (men and women) like to screw around but their egos don't like that the other people are messing around with others. It's a common double standard.

 

Also don't waste time psycho analysing him. I think that's not the point. He's gross yes, but you need to have better boundaries and more careful next time and don't overlook the red flags.